Ties That Bind (9 page)

“But then I realized I was pregnant. At
first, he wanted to get married. He was really mad when I didn’t
say yes right away. And my mom,” Kate closed her eyes to the pain.
“It was like I’d ripped her heart right out. The next couple of
months were a blur. I called San Francisco and told them I couldn’t
take the job. Then…I lost the baby. She was gone. ”

Kate stopped for a moment, her arms
instinctively pulling free to wrap around her stomach. It had hurt
so badly. The memory of the physical and emotional trauma seared
her like a branding iron and it took her a minute to regain her
composure.

“Peter left me after that. Maybe he’d been
hurt because I wouldn’t marry him in a shotgun wedding. Maybe I’d
changed too much. Either way, he was gone. My mother couldn’t
believe I’d lost the baby. She was convinced I’d had an abortion
and she was so… livid. Absolutely furious. It nearly tore us apart.
In fact, I don’t know if things were really right again between us
until the day she got the diagnosis. Everything else seemed to melt
away then.” Kate finished her story with a faraway look of sadness.
It had been a long time since she’d really thought about all of
that pain.

“That’s when you stopped playing.”

“The music was just… gone after that. I can’t
explain it.”

“I understand,” he reached for her.

“Don’t,” she shook her head. “I don’t think I
can keep it together if you do that.”

“Then let it go,” he urged, pulling her to
him successfully that time. And so, after all of those years, she
did let it go. Ever-so-gently he lay back, bringing her with him as
he went. Curled in his arms on her couch, she buried her face in
his chest and cried herself to sleep. His protective embrace
shielded her from the cold of the world and that night she dreamt
of warmth and sunshine.

Kate peeked up at Gavin from her cozy spot.
She was careful not to move much so she wouldn’t wake him. She
liked watching him sleep. She liked doing so from his arms. Part of
her wanted very badly to wake him with a kiss. Part of her was even
more resolved to repair the barrier between them.

If last night taught her anything, it was
that she was still very broken and in no place for a relationship.
As she lay there listening to the even cadence of his heart, she
realized he had already worked his way into hers. It was too late
to keep that from happening. But she could perform damage
control.

She could tell when he woke up by the subtle
change in the rise and fall of his chest. She peered up at him,
suddenly nervous and very aware of everything she had shared the
night before.

“Hi,” she was afraid to move.

“Hello,” he gave her a lazy smile that eased
her fears. “I’m a little hesitant to ask, but where do we go from
here?”

“What do you have in mind?” Kate pulled
herself up and he frowned at the obvious withdrawal.

“I don’t know. Why don’t you let me sweep you
off your feet? We can fall madly in love – this could be the
beginning of our story.”

“Everything is happening so fast,” Kate shook
her head. “I can’t even begin to process it all. I just don’t work
that way.”

“Anymore,” he amended.

“That’s right, anymore. Not since I grew up.”
She winced at her own words.

“Right then.” His face darkened as he
stood.

“Wait, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.
I just need more time to figure things out… maybe a little
space.”

“Time? Space? Do you have any idea how bloody
excruciating this is for me? I do work that way, Kate. I want to
spend every waking minute of every day with you – not be your yo-yo
on a string.”

“I don’t mean to treat you like a yo-yo,”
tears sprang into her eyes, making her even angrier at herself. “I
want to spend every waking minute of every day with you, too. But
then I sort of panic and I can’t explain it but I need more time to
process.”

“Don’t do that,” he dropped to his knees
before her. “Don’t cry.”

“I…can’t...help...it.” Kate buried her face
in a pillow to avoid his worried eyes. She hated herself for doing
this in front of him – twice no less.

He sat beside her, pulling her back into his
embrace and stroking her hair as he crooned nonsensical words of
comfort. His voice was a soothing balm and the flood of tears soon
subsided.

“I’ll do my best to give you time. And even
as much space as sharing an office will allow. But I can’t promise
I’ll like it or always be good natured about it.”

She wanted to grab him by the shirt collar
and beg him to never leave her. She wanted to immerse herself in
the feel of his touch and his scent and the sound of his voice for
the rest of her days. But she knew that sometimes leaving wasn’t a
person’s choice. The harsh reality was that one way or another he
would leave her and Kate wasn’t sure she was strong enough to love
him more only to lose him. So rather than appeals to stay, she
stood and brushed herself off with a small nod.

“I can’t ask for more than that.”

He nodded his response, and strode out of her
apartment without another word. And just like that, she felt winter
descend anew in her soul.

It was an odd kind of truce they seemed to be
negotiating over the next couple of weeks. They spoke few words
between them. And although polite, it was always superficial. She
wanted to tell him that she’d had her violin restrung and the bow
re-haired so she could begin playing again but he had a certain
distance in his eyes; it was almost as if he’d given up trying to
scale the walls she’d erected between them. So there was no one to
hear the tentative music she was creating with her violin. It was
excruciating and a little bit of a relief.

Kate had begun taking the reporters to lunch.
Her lunch calendar was booked solid as she endeavored to get to
know the San Francisco media-makers. She knew their opinion of her
would make or break her events. More than that, she enjoyed getting
to know people outside of the little circle of friends she’d
developed. There were a few she’d even venture to call friends. She
enjoyed the easy camaraderie and at least their questions about
Gavin Nichols were limited to his ability as a photographer… for
the most part anyway.

The launch party and the wedding were coming
together. She couldn’t avoid taking Gavin with her for the
occasional photo shoot, but they always rode in silence and were
usually accompanied by Tara or Jessica. There were times Kate
wanted to reach out and touch Gavin so badly her hand almost ached
because of it. If he felt the same, he didn’t show it.

But sometimes she did feel his eyes on her.
Or at least she thought she did, she never caught him at it. Trying
to keep her distance meant she was always fully aware of his
presence. Trying not to think about him meant he was always
somewhere in her mind.

When she played her violin at night, his face
seemed to drift before her. There was no escaping him. To make
matters worse, he’d started getting calls several times a day and
his response to them was always the same – he’d ask the caller to
hold on a minute then take the call outside. Kate was burning with
curiosity. Had he found someone else that quickly? She had asked
for space and time. Most men would take that as a green light to
look elsewhere.

The more calls he got, the more masked his
face became. The more guarded his expression, the more certain she
was that he was seeing someone. She didn’t want to ask Jessica or
Liz. It wasn’t fair to put them in the middle like that. But she
really wanted to.

“Invitations are in,” Liz broke the silence
one afternoon.

“Really?” Jessica perked right up at the
announcement.

“Can you guys still help me assemble
them?”

“I’d love to.” Kate meant it wholeheartedly;
that was one less night to fill.

“Great, come by after work. I’ll feed you
dinner.”

Having something to do for the evening that
wouldn’t entail a stony silence between herself and Gavin was
exciting. Kate found that for once, she was looking forward to the
evening. Liz’s apartment was adorable, although Kate did think it a
little odd that the front room was a vibrant orange spice while
every other room was stark white.

“Derrick doesn’t like color on the walls. I’m
working on him one room at a time,” Liz explained, accurately
reading Kate’s expression. “Next I think I’m going to shoot for
eggplant in the dining room.”

“Oooh, that sounds pretty.”

“I know, doesn’t it? I mean who’s ever heard
of a creative designer with no color in their home? It’s just not
right.”

“You have a point,” Kate smiled, tempted to
go home and paint her walls because she could.

Derrick had gone out with friends for the
night, leaving the three women alone in the apartment. The
invitations were spread out on the living room floor and each
friend took a stack to work on. Liz had very specific instructions
for them and Kate got the impression it pained her to not be able
to see to each and every detail completely herself. If she could
have cloned herself, Liz probably would have. Kate was genuinely
looking forward to the wedding. From what she’d heard of the
planning, it promised to be an event to remember. That, and Kate
was dying to see who won the invitation wars.

“Oh, get this,” Liz shook her head. “She
totally went off on me yesterday for not having kids.”

“You’re not having kids?” Kate wondered. No
one had to ask who she was; the tone of voice implied Liz’s
mother-in-law.

“No, we’ve decided we’re too selfish to have
children. We kind of want to keep it all about us.”

“Makes sense to me,” Kate thought about it
for a second. “I can think of a lot of couples who should have made
that decision.”

“I don’t know how you can say that,” Jessica
frowned. “You don’t want babies even a little?”

“Anything that needs its diaper changed is
not my idea of fun.”

“So Derrick’s in trouble if he winds up in
diapers before you?” Kate pointed out.

“Ew. I don’t want to think about that.”

Kate shrugged.

“Well I, for one, am looking forward to
having children,” Jessica declared.

“I can see that,” Kate nodded. “I think
you’ll be an amazing mom.”

“Really? You think so?” Jessica seemed to
light up at the compliment. Kate couldn’t fathom why her opinion on
the subject mattered.

“I know so,” she emphasized her words with a
smile.

“So what are your plans for the Fourth?” Liz
asked Kate, changing the subject.

“You know, I hadn’t really thought about it,”
Kate paused. Time was moving so fast.

“Figures,” Liz shook her head, counting Kate
as a lost cause. “Some of us are going to check out a local Irish
punk group that’s playing at the Mezzanine that night then we’re
watching fireworks over the bay. Wanna come?”

“I don’t know—are you going to ditch me with
Gavin again?” Kate eyed her warily.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Liz promised, her
face the picture of innocence.

“Mmm-hmm. Jessica, is Gavin going to be
there?” Kate was skeptical.

“I’m hurt.”

Kate didn’t take that statement to heart.
They all knew Jessica was the moral compass of their little group.
And she was the one person you could always count on to tell the
truth. So when she confirmed it wasn’t a set up, Kate happily
agreed to go.

That night, she called Gaston and he agreed
to be her “date” for the evening. He was a very convenient friend
to have in many respects. The day after they’d seen him at the
symphony, he’d made use of the business card she’d given him and
called her for the scoop on Gavin. He’d also offered up the juicy
tidbit that Peter had been crazy jealous all evening. That
knowledge alone had been enough to soften the blow of seeing
him.

By the time the Fourth of July rolled around,
Gavin was out of the office more than he was in. Jack seemed
unperturbed by that fact and Kate told herself she should be
grateful for it. Jack took off the day before to spend a few days
with Tara’s parents, who apparently had a rather large estate in
Malibu. Knowing the price tag that must have entailed, Kate
wondered if maybe she’d been wrong about where the money came from
in that relationship.

The more she was around Jack the more she got
the feeling he wasn’t from money the way Tara was. She was rich,
she was pretty and she was talented. There was no earthly reason
for her to be with Jack – except that maybe she really did love
him. And because of that, Kate was glad she seemed to be making the
wedding plans go more smoothly for Tara. She wasn’t quite the pit
viper Kate had assumed. Sometimes it was good to be wrong.

Kate was nearly ready when Gaston knocked on
her door. She let him in and ran back to her makeup case.

“Almost done. Sorry,” she called behind
her.

“No problem,” he smiled at her. He was
devastatingly handsome with his sandy blonde hair and bright blue
eyes, but she noticed his looks the way one would admire a pretty
sunset. They were hard not to admire, but didn’t have the power to
render her senseless the way Gavin did. But then, Gaston was like a
brother, always had been. “Where’s the guy?”

“Don’t ask,” Kate frowned a little, giving
herself one last inspection in the mirror.

“What did you do?” he demanded.

“How do you know it was me?” She scowled in
earnest now.

“Kate,” he crossed his arms and waited for
her response.

“I said I needed space,” she hung her
head.

“What is wrong with you?” he threw his hands
up at that. “I liked this guy.”

“I don’t know,” she turned her light off with
more force than necessary. “I liked him, too.”

“Then call him up, see if he wants to come
tonight.”