Till We Rise (10 page)

“But I do, Theodore,” I admit and sigh deeply “I am just nervous,” I add.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“SEE.”

“I am kidding Theo,” I say at laughing at the top of my lungs. His face is like a rock, it seems he doesn’t find it funny but I know he does.

“You’re so funny you make my face ache,” he says sarcastically.

“You’re always making me jokes and I don’t say anything about it so we are even,” I say a little bit hurt. He always makes jokes, this is true, and I am not sad about it. What I dislike is the fact that he doesn’t realize now that his jokes sometimes make me feel out of place.

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“We should definitely go somewhere,” he speaks directly after me.

“Now I truly don’t get it,” I say astonished, making my eyes look as big as plates.

“Let me tell you something. Calypso… Calypso.” I am scared as hell. He sounds sarcastic but real at the same time. Again: What is wrong with him?

I wait for him to tell me what he is up to and meanwhile I remain speechless, looking at him with the best of my I-don’t-know-what-is-wrong-with-you face.

He is staring back at me, crooking his smile and closing his eyes slowly. Fact: he is handsome as hell, haven’t I told you?

“I’ve been thinking about what you, uh, told me earlier,” he stops for a second waiting for me to give him a response but I can’t express what I am feeling right now. “Okay and I… Think that it would be a great idea to uh…” I am probably looking like a monkey that has just lost its banana. He takes a deep breath and adds: “Go somewhere together, Cal”. Warning: Theodore-style smile is appearing and I should not faint or die or start screaming or do something stupid.

He wants to run away with me.

“Say something, please,” he tells me while grabbing my hands. “Please”.

“Um, yeah. It’s just that you told me before that it was not a good idea and I don’t get it now,” I tell him. I can’t believe I actually did it. I find it absolutely difficult to express what I am thinking and I did it. I was afraid and it’s done now.

“Do you want to run away or what?” Again. Oh my God, I am so proud of myself I might be smiling because of both things; mostly about what Theodore wants to do but also because I could finally speak.

“Do you?” he inquires raising just an eyebrow.

“Yes,” I answer rapidly.

It’s like a marriage proposal with the
I do’s
and stuff, I believe my life is finally becoming something. Something I’ve never imagined but dreamed. I should ask myself “
what is air?”
But now that I am starting a journey I don’t need to quote that blog stuff anymore. I need to hit maturity even though I think I am pretty mature but I kind of make my life funnier and less mature than it should be because if not, I get bored.

I am scared because I don’t know what he wants from me and I do know what I want from him. I am scared our
wants
are not the same, because if they aren’t, I’ll collapse and I won’t know how to cope with my life anymore.

This kind of thing that is happening is like a dream and I shouldn’t be scared because the only think that will ruin this dream and make myself fail is not doing it, so I shouldn’t be scared, not anymore. I ought to finally grow up and start living the moment without being scared.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

“Where are we going?” Theodore asks curiously.

“Firstly, to my place so I ca—“

“NO! They are gonna stop us, are you mad?” he interrupts my speaking with a high tone of voice, seeming worried.

“Who?”

“Whoever is in there.”

“It’s not fair,” I start complementing. “You had the chance to fetch your stuff in your room and I can’t go to look for mines,” I sigh and accelerate making him a little nervous. I crook my smile because that’s what I meant. “And besides, mom’s never home,” I add.

“Okay, but do it fast, Calypso,” he says like he is demanding something.

“Excuse me?” I giggle as if this is like a joke; he can’t talk to me that way, least when we’re on my car; I am the one who gives the orders right now.

“Just saying,” he says after me, tapping some fingers on the surface of the car. He seems pretentious and I like when he pulls that worried look. It’s not that I want him to suffer, obviously I don’t, but I love the way he frowns his forehead and tenses up his cheekbones. It’s pretty sexy. I want to see him at the moment but I am driving as fast as I can so I can’t look at him, I mean, I can but I can’t observe him, like seriously staring at him.

I know another reason why he is probably acting like an asshole, because I am driving shotgun and nobody likes being in a foreign car while a girl is driving her ass off. I understand. I am so sorry, this is my car and I am going to drive it all the way through.

“Where are we going?” he stops for a second and add nervously: “I mean, next,” he adds.

“Who knows,” I say excited. “You’d better get used to it, to my driving.” I try to turn my gaze to the right to look at his expression.

“We’re fine Theo,” I add tenderly.

It’s like we are a couple going on vacations, he is afraid of her girlfriend’s driving, she is afraid of her boyfriend’s thoughts. I know something about this; it may not end well but it
will
be good. I can feel it and I know that regarding my feelings I am always correct.

We are not close now, we are not close enough but for some reason this is happening, things always happen for some good reason. Life had sucked for me for about all my life so now it’s time to pull some kind of turn and be better. At least I am not alone.

After minutes of driving, I park my car on the driveway.

“Here it is, I’ll be back in less than two minutes,” I declare convinced that I’ll actually be back in less than a pair of minutes. Firstly, because I am that determined and secondly, because I have not a lot of stuff to grab, all I really want to do is leave my mom a note and that’s it.

“Do you want help? I can help you if you wa—“

“No, thanks,” I answer cruelly interrupting his lovely offer.

I am so scared and hurried to enter home that I can’t pull my shit together and calm down. I close my eyes and breathe, taking a deep long one.

While I walk home I grab my keys rapidly without caring if Theodore was still inside the car. I try to open the door as fast as I can and when I do, I realize mom is not home and I get extremely relieved.

“What the hell is she always doing?”
I mumble to myself. I bet she is outside with an old man or something like it.

I go quickly upstairs and grab a small bag from the room where we have all the stuff we barely use –we call it basement but it’s actually not one—, like the winter clothes in summer.- In my opinion, Boston is kind of irregular regarding the weather. We have different changes of clothes for summer and winter because we can and we are girls and fortunately we have lots of clothes.

I am breathing hard and this is decentralizing me, and this state will make me grab things I don’t want to. I know Theodore grabbed stuff for about three days and then he’ll clean them while he’s not using them, like use, clean, use, clean, use, clean method. I am not keen on washing my own clothes or doing my laundry at all, so I will have to learn to do it because if not I’ll have to live with dirty sweat pants and big loose shirts; that’s what I’ll get. They are not really fashionable but I’ve heard and read that boys love when girls wear big clothes that don’t fit them correctly.

I’ll grab my best clothes and fuck it; I am going to make him fall for me. Wish I was a little bit more experienced with boys and stuff, but I am not and there is always a first time for everything. I guess this is OUR first time.

I get out of my head the idea of going with loose and big clothes and grab two denims, three t-shirts and one shirt, underwear —two or three bras and lots of thongs— and this is when I think I am the most indecisive person in the world because I believe now that it is a good idea to take another type of clothes. Never mind, I am great this way. Ugh, I need a therapist right now.

I put everything inside my bag and make my way downstairs. The fresh air is freezing my face, especially my nostrils. I need to write down the note for my mom, I am glad I remembered but all I need is a pen.

Where the hell would I be if I was a pen? Mmm… Right, kitchen. I run directly from the living room to the kitchen and look for it over the fridge because mom always leaves something to write the grocery list so it’s pretty possible I will find one there. I am right; I get it and then grab a napkin.

Rapidly I write something legible, something that is supposed to mean
Mom, don’t call me. I am okay. Xo, Cal.
I place the note on the coffee table from the living room and rush again, grabbing my stuff on the way and then leaving home, half sweaty, half dry.

I make sure I close the door and go directly to the car. Theo is looking at me with a smile on his face, laughing as if he is on a circus or something of the sort. I admit I am probably looking funny but there’s no need to laugh at someone when they are trying to do something in a matter of minutes.

By the way, I can’t be mad at Theodore, he was probably laughing about other stuff, and if he wasn’t and he was literally laughing at me it’s okay, at least he didn’t run away from the car.

Concentrate Calypso, this is it.

I open the passenger seat door from behind and place my stuff gently on the seat.

“Don’t laugh at me, Theodore,” I say giggling and close the door directly after, without hearing if he has said something.

I get on the car and fasten my seatbelt, of course, I know I am not a safe driver but at least I try to be. I like to be cautious, that’s a quality I have since the age of 7, so I am cautious about fastening my seatbelt, among lots of other things I am cautious about.

I remember once when Sarah told me whenever I get in the car the first thing I have to do is fasten the seatbelt because otherwise the car isn’t going to start. So now it’s a habit and I do it every time. I think she made me be cautious about myself really. I usually don’t care what people do with themselves. If they don’t want to put the seatbelt on it’s okay with me.

The
thing
about this is not that we are running away together but the trust we have created in a matter of days.

I believe God really sent me a gift. I mean, he’s the one who’s supposed to be a gift, but now that I am beside him and I know I can trust him is the truly gift.

There is something bothering me, like an odd feeling, a troubled one. And it’s kind of scaring me, because this is the only thing that matters to me at the moment and I don’t want to screw it up. I don’t know how things are going to end up but at this point I don’t want to think of any possibilities because every good thing has a black side somehow, isn’t that right? And I don’t want to think about that black side either.

It’s hard to explain where is it we are going to since I don’t even know what is happening right now. I know I’ve said it a thousand times but I can’t believe what’s occurring. Like, literally, who would ever knew I would be capable of leaving everything for a person I met less than a week ago.

I didn’t care about anything but him at the moment I thought about escaping. My mom and Roth were left behind as trash and that is not how I am supposed to act when they were the only ones I ever had in my life. Especially mom, it’s not easy to express my feelings towards her, but I know I would literally give my life for her, but certainly I am not acting the way I should.

It’s me and him the only thing I care about. Me and him.

“Cal,” I suddenly hear Theo speak and I come back to planet Earth. I can’t believe I could manage to drive while thinking (and having these profound thoughts). This
thing
of going away with my mind and thoughts and leaving reality is happening a lot lately.

“Calypso,” he says again.

“Yeah?” I say as if I don’t know what happened.

“Answer me,” Theodore looks at me kind of mixed-up. “Where are we going?” he adds several seconds later. I never heard him asking me that question.

“You decide,” I finally answer.

“No. You’re driving. Your choice.”  And turning the gaze to the window he adds, “You’ve been driving down the same place for about five minutes straight.”

Of course I didn’t realize because of my earlier flight to the
thoughts country
. It’s my fault, I know, but I can’t stop overthinking every situation. I need to analyze and overanalyze them until I reach a conclusion and maybe then I start to feel confident about it.

“Sorry,” I say.

“Stop saying sorry,” he chuckles.

“Oh,” I open my mouth speechless. I can’t say a word, but an idea comes into my mind. We are going first to the city downtown; maybe we can walk a little bit and talk about things outside instead of having arguments inside my car.

I believe Downtown Boston is not a place where people tend
to run away together
but then we are going somewhere else, somewhere unexpected, I promise.

“I have an idea, Theodore,” I speak crooking my smile.

“What?” he asks pretty excited looking directly at me. I know he looks excited. I can’t look at him because I am driving, obviously.

“Downtown,” I say, “Then we are leaving,” I add smiling and accelerating. It’s not the best place on Earth or the most exciting one to go but as he is on campus, I figure out that maybe he doesn’t have a lot of time to go outside UNI to go on a walk once in a while. Maybe he does, however, I have never understood the campus thing and I think I’ll never do.

I park my car on an available place, which was hard to find, and turn off the engine.

“Have you ever been here?” I ask looking with joy at him. Now I can
stare
him correctly and it’s lovely to look at someone as handsome as he is.

“Once or twice,” he states, “The first time I came to Boston I kind of, uh, traveled around the whole city. But I am– was,” he corrects himself and continues, “So into college I never had the time to go again. To the city, I mean.” Theo looks a little bit disappointed about it but the ultimate decision is his.

College must not take so much time of your life, there is no good in spending the whole day studying plus going to college. It’s not healthy at all, but that’s how education works in the States. You have to spend your years of high school studying nonstop and being responsible about everything regarding school and homework and your brain explodes and all you want to do is lie in bed blogging.

That’s not it. You also have to get good grades so then you can get into college and stuff. When you are in college you have to do it all over again to form yourself and then graduate and, finally, get a job and have lots of new responsibilities.

That’s why I believe that you don’t have to live based on something. Studying all day is not living at all. Enjoying your daily basis is living. Doing what you love is living. Having fun is living. Studying all day long… Nah, I don’t think so.

I wish I could
live.

I look at him perplexed about what he has just said, fasten off my seatbelt and sigh. “Theodore,” I mumble.

“Yes?”

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” I approach him and now our faces are closer than they have ever been.

Shivers down my spine.

Heart beating hard.

Breathing fast.

“I’m sure,” he answers.