Tim (25 page)

Pulling his chair closer to the table, he sat down again with hands outstretched. The old house was so quiet, Mary found herself thinking while Ron got himself together. Just the ticking of the old-fashioned kitchen clock and the sound of Ron swallowing. No wonder he hated it when he had known it so different.

"So you see, Mary," Ron continued, "if a cat can have feelings, so can a dill-brain like Tim, and more feelings, because Tim's not all that bad. He mightn't set the world on fire with his ideas, but he's got a heart, Mary, a great big warm heart just full of love. If he started in with a woman he'd love her, but do youse think she could love him, eh? He'd just be a piece on the side to her, that's all, and him just brimming over for her. I couldn't take it.

"Tim's got a real pretty face and a real pretty body, and there's been women-and men!-after him since he was twelve. After he was dumped, what do you think would happen to Tim? He'd look at me the way that poor bloody little cat did, as if he expected me to get his girlfriend back and couldn't understand why I wasn't even trying."

A silence fell. Somewhere inside came the noise of a door slamming; Ron looked up and seemed to remember that Tim was in the house with them.

"Excuse me a minute, Mary."

She sat listening to the loud monotonous clock until he came back, grinning to himself.

"Typical Aussie, that boy. Can't get him into more clothes than necessary, and if he has half a chance he'll wander around mother-naked. He has a bad habit of coming out of the bathroom after his shower and walking all over the place without a stitch on, so I thought I'd better make sure he didn't come out here for something." He looked at her sharply. "I hope he behaves hisself when he stays with youse? No complaints?"

"He behaves himself perfectly," she answered uncomfortably.

Ron sat down again. "You know, it's a real blessing we're just working-class people, Mary. It's been easier to shelter Tim than if we'd belonged with the likes of Dawnie's man Mick. Them stuck-up snobs is harder to spot, more cunning like, men and women, but men especially, I reckon. Instead of drinking with dinkum blokes in the public bar at the Seaside, he'd be sitting in some pansy lounge with all the idle women and all the lisping fairies in the world. Our class has things better organized than that, thank me lucky stars. Black is blacker and white is whiter, and there ain't so much gray in between. I do hope youse understands, Mary, why we did it."

"I understand. I really do. The trouble is that Tim's woken up, courtesy of the television set. He watched the love scenes and decided it was a good way to show me how much he liked me."

"Oh, God!" Ron sat down abruptly. "I thought we'd frightened him off it, I thought we'd scared the living daylights out of him so much he'd never try it."

"You probably did a good job of scaring him off, but you see, he didn't really associate what he was doing with what you scared him away from. It didn't start off in his mind as a carnal thing. He just wanted to show me how much he liked me. In the process, unfortunately, he also found out how much he liked it."

Ron was horrified. "You mean he raped you? I don't believe it!"

"Of course not! He kissed me, that's all. But he liked it, and it's been preying on his mind ever since. I managed to convince him that between us it was forbidden, but he's awake, Ron, he's awake! It only happened once, I wouldn't ever let it happen again, but how can you or I blot it out of his mind? What's done is done! While there was no truth to what Dawnie or Emily Parker or anyone else thought it didn't matter, but ever since Tim kissed me I've nearly gone crazy wondering what on earth I'm going to do with him if anything happens to you."

Ron had relaxed again. "I see what you mean."

"Well, I didn't know where to turn, who to talk to about it. That was why I took Tim to see John

Martinson tonight, I wanted him to meet Tim and then to give me his frank opinion on the whole situation."

"Why didn't you talk to me, Mary?" Ron demanded, hurt.

"How could I possibly talk to you, Ron? You're Tim's father, you're too close to everything to be detached. If I'd talked to you first I would have nothing to offer you this moment beyond the facts, I'd have no direction to go and no solution. If I'd talked to you first we'd probably have come to the conclusion that there was nothing to be done save separate Tim from me. I went to John Martinson because he's had a great deal of experience with mentally retarded people, and he's genuinely concerned for them. I thought that out of all the people I know he was the only one capable of thinking of Tim first, and that's what I wanted, someone capable of thinking exclusively of Tim."

"Okay, Mary, I see your point. What did he say?"

"He offered me a solution, and the way he presented it made me see that there's no doubt of it being the wisest thing to do. I told him that I thought you'd agree after you heard it, but I confess I'm not so sure in my own mind about that as I sounded when I reassured John Martinson.

"Whatever you say or think about it, I assure you I've already said or thought it, so nothing you can say will surprise or hurt me." She held out her cup for more tea, anxious to have something to do. "I'm forty-five years old, Ron, old enough to be Tim's mother, and I'm a plain, dowdy woman without any sort of physical attraction for men. What Tim sees in me is totally beyond me, but he sees it all the same. John Martinson says I ought to marry Tim."

"Does he?" Ron's face was curiously expressionless.

"Yes, he does."

"Why?"

"Chiefly because Tim loves me, and because Tim's a man, not a child. When he told me what he thought I should do, I was flabbergasted, and believe me I argued against it. It's like mating a thoroughbred with a mongrel, mating Tim's youth and beauty with me, and I told him so. Forgive me for saying this, but he answered that there were two ways of looking at it, that mating my intelligence with Tim's stupidity was just as bad. They weren't his words; he said, 'If you're no fit partner for Tim, he's no fit partner for you.' His point was that neither Tim nor myself is any marital prize, so what was so appalling about it? I still opposed the whole idea, chiefly on the grounds of the big difference in our ages, but he threw that aside too. It's me Tim likes, not the girl next door or the daughter of one of his workmates.

"What convinced me that John Martinson was right was something that hadn't occurred to me at all, and I'm sure it hadn't occurred to you either. We're both too close to Tim to see it." She shook her head. "Tim's a grown man, Ron, in that respect he's perfectly normal. John was quite brutally frank about it, he took me by the shoulders and shook me until my teeth rattled because he was so angry at my lack of insight and sympathy for Tim. What was the matter with me, he asked me, that I could deny Tim his right to be a man in the only way he can ever be a man? Why shouldn't Tim get as much out of life as possible?

"I'd never looked at it that way before, I'd been so concerned with what other people would think, how they'd laugh at him and tease and torment him because he'd married a rich spinster old enough to be his mother. But I'd completely overlooked the fact that he's entitled to get as much out of life as he can."

Again she fell to exploring the chipped cup with her fingertip: Ron was concealing his reactions well; she had no idea what he thought, and as if to confuse her more he picked up the teapot to refill her cup.

"We've all heard of reverses. I remember once being very angry because one of the girls in our office fell in love with a paraplegic who refused to marry her. Archie knew the girl well enough to be sure she was a one-man woman, that there'd never be anyone for her but this man. He went to see the fellow, told him not to throw their chance of happiness aside because he wasn't a man in that one sense. And we all agreed that Archie had done the right thing, there was no reason why the girl shouldn't have married her man in a wheelchair. There's more to life than that, Archie told him.

"There is more to life than that, Ron, but what about Tim? How much is there to Tim's life, and how much could there be? Now that the opportunity has presented itself, have we any right to deny Tim everything he's entitled to as a human being? That's the crux of John Martinson's argument."

"He really laid it on the line, didn't he?" Ron pushed his hands tiredly through his hair. "I just never thought of it that way."

"Well, I admitted the truth of his argument, I had to. But why me, I asked? Surely Tim could do better than me? But can he? Can he really? Whatever I am, Tim loves me. And whatever Tim is, I love him. With me he'll be safe, Ron, and if in marrying him I can round out his life as much as it can ever be rounded out, then I'll marry him in everyone's teeth, including yours."

Her feeling of teetering on the brink of a precipice had gone entirely as she talked; Ron watched her curiously. Several times he had seen her shaken from habitual calm, but never quite like this, so ringingly alive. One could not call her mousy in any mood, but mostly her plain good face was distinguished only by her strength of character. Now she seemed lit with a fleeting beauty that would disappear the moment her zeal died; he found himself wondering what marriage to Tim would do for her. Older and infinitely more worldly than Mary, he knew there was never an easy answer.

"Women normally live longer than men," she continued eagerly, "so there's every chance that I'll be with him for many years to come. I'm not so much older that my predeceasing him is a major consideration. He's not going to go off looking for some pretty young thing because his own wife is old and faded. I'm old and faded now, Ron, but it doesn't worry him at all.

"I thought about simply living with him, because in the eyes of most people that would be the lesser sin. But John Martinson is right. Marriage is better. If I marry him I have full legal authority over his life; Dawnie can never take him away. You see, Dawnie's been worrying me for some time. I don't think it's occurred to you how easily she could remove Tim from my custody the moment anything happened to you. Why should it occur to you? She's your daughter, and you love her dearly. But she doesn't love me at all, and she would never admit to herself that I'm better for

Tim than she is. Your letters to her and Mick, your power of attorney, all those things mean nothing if Dawnie really wanted to make trouble. Upon your death Dawnie would become Tim's legal guardian in the eyes of any court in the land, no matter what sort of directives you left. I'm no relation, I haven't even known Tim very long, and our association is highly suspect.

"When you first asked me to take Tim, I didn't think beyond the fact that you trusted me so magnificently, but I think you're detached enough to see Dawnie in her true light. She loves Tim, but she hates me just that much more, and Tim would become the victim on her altar. John Martinson wasn't aware of the magnitude of Dawnie's enmity, but he hit on the only feasible solution in spite of it. I
must
marry Tim."

Ron laughed wryly. "Ain't life funny? You're right about one thing, Mary. People would understand it if you just lived together much quicker than they will your marrying. It's one of them queer situations where marriage is a crime, ain't it?"

"That's exactly the word I used to John Martinson. Criminal."

Ron got up and walked around the table to put his arm about her shoulder, then he bent his head and kissed her. "You're a fine person, Mary. I'll be real glad to see you marry my son. Me and Em couldn't have wished for a better answer, and I reckon she's cheering youse on.

"But it had better be soon, Mary, real soon. If I'm there to see it and I leave a testament to the fact that I approve, there's very little Dawnie can do. Leave it until after I'm dead and you don't have a leg to stand on. I oughta seen it for myself, but a man's always a bit blind about his kids."

"That's why I had to bring the matter up tonight. I'm going to have to go into the hospital for a few days to see to it that it's impossible for me to have children, but I think the marriage ought to take place as soon as possible."

"Right you are! We'll go into town next Monday to get the license, then youse can be married at the end of the week, I think."

She stroked his scratchy cheek lovingly. "I couldn't have asked for a nicer father-in-law than you, Ron. Thank you so much for understanding and consenting."

Twenty-four

In the end they decided not to tell Dawnie anything about the wedding until after the deed was done, but the day after Mary and Ron agreed on it she told Archie Johnson.

"Sweet suffering rock oysters, you're joking!"

It took some time to convince him that she was serious. And after the initial shock wore off he rallied and congratulated her sincerely.

"Mary love, I couldn't be more pleased for you. It's the oddest match since Chopin and Georges Sand, but if anyone on this old ball of mud knows what they're doing, it's you. I'm not going to make your life a misery by raising all sorts of objections because I'm bloody sure you've already thought of them for yourself. The only thing I'm sorry about is that after all these years of thinking I was safe I'm going to lose you. On that head I could cry."

"Why on earth should you lose me?"

"Well, won't you have your work cut out looking after your Tim?"

"Heavens, no! I do need to take three months off almost immediately, no notice or anything, for which I'm very sorry, but I'm not going to give up work, nor is Tim. I think we'll both be better off getting out into the world among ordinary people. If we stopped working and saw no one save ourselves we'd both deteriorate."

"I'd like to come to your wedding, Mary. I'm very fond of you, and though I've never met Tim I'm very fond of him, too, because he made such a difference to your life."

"I'd like you and Tricia to come to my wedding."

"When is it?"

"Next Friday afternoon at the Registrar General's offices."

"Then why don't you begin your leave right this moment? If I have to put up with Celeste Murphy for three months I may as well face the music as soon as possible."