TIMBER: The Bad Boy's Baby (12 page)

W
e drive
into the city without hitting any speed bumps, and I reach for Jaxon’s hand as we walk into the clinic. The appointment with Doctor Vance starts off rocky. First, she gives Jaxon a once over, and I realize that, in the fluorescent light of the office, he looks even burlier than he does out in the woods. His beard and tattoos, his rugged clothes and edgy eyes, give off a don’t-mess-with-me vibe. Which isn’t exactly inviting.

Doctor Vance regroups quickly and professionally, greeting us both with handshake, though she’s quick to explain that she was disappointed with me for never following through with a counseling appointment. But I don’t need a counselor anymore. Because I’m in love with Jaxon and we are going to have a life together, and my family can hate me, but it doesn’t matter.

Because Jaxon can be my family now.

Which I know is maybe setting myself up for disappointment ... but surely once we find out the gender of the babies this will seem more real to him—cause him to realize we need each other to get through his next part. He thinks I need my parents, but I don’t. He will be enough.

“All right, Harper, if you’re still feeling well, then we will stay the course. Your blood pressure reads normal, and your weight gain is steady. I couldn’t be more pleased with this. So far, it’s best-case scenario. So now we need to start talking about any screenings you’d like done for the babies.”

“I don’t want any testing done.” I shake my head. Even being here with a doctor, instead of a midwife, goes against my first choice.

“But what if it helps?” Jaxon asks.

“No,” I say. “It’s not even up for debate. I want everything as natural as possible.”

“Even the delivery?” Jaxon asks.

“Of course. I don’t believe in medical intervention. What will be, will be.”

Jaxon and Doctor Vance exchange a look.

“What?” I ask. “Don’t do that ... that thing where you look at one another and judge me.”

“No one is judging anyone,” Doctor Vance says, reaching out to pat my arm.

“That’s not true,” Jaxon says, scoffing at the doctor’s words. “I think it’s insane to not find out everything we can about the babies before they’re born. And I also think it’s ridiculous to think you’re going to deliver them without any medical assistance. What if there’s a problem, Harper? You would just let the babies die?”

Flustered I answer, “Of course not. But. I don’t know. I want to trust that everything happens for a reason.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” Jaxon crosses his arms, shaking his head at me. “Happens for a reason? You think there’s a reason we’re here, having three kids? There is no reason for that. No bigger meaning. It was a one-night stand that went wrong. Way wrong. It was nothing but a huge mistake, Harper.”

Tears fill my eyes. He thinks, after the last month we spent together, that this is wrong?
Still?

But I see it as so right. I see him and me, opposites in so many ways, but I thought maybe our differences are what could make us great. Make us a family.

“Should we schedule an appointment with a mediator?” Doctor Vance asks, a finger hovering over her tablet as she listens to our fight. “Often times pregnancy becomes a very large stressor in a relationship. And this is a multiples pregnancy, which could have even more triggers for heated conversations.”

“I don’t think this is a relationship, Doctor,” I say. Sniffling, I refuse to look at Jaxon. Not if everything we just experienced together, sleeping in the same bed, sharing meals, and sharing ourselves, was meaningless. “And I don’t think we’re going to be needing the ultrasound, after all.”

She cocks her head to the side in confusion. “Harper, besides determining the gender, we’ll be able to get a good look at the babies’ organs to make sure everything is as it should be.”

“No. I don’t want that today. It’s too much, too intrusive. I didn’t even think about the fact that the ultrasound was a way of playing God, but it is.”

“This is a God issue now?” Jaxon asks, incredulous.

“Maybe it always was, Jaxon. Luke broke off our engagement because he didn’t think I was holy enough, devoted enough. And at the time, I was so angry at that assessment of me. But was he so far off? Look at me—at who I’ve become since I met you.”

“Fuck this,” Jaxon says, hands raised in defeat.

“Okay, Jaxon, let’s give Harper space to dress.” She opens the door and shoos him out. Then, turning to me, she says, “You okay? Is there someone you’d like me to call?”

“There’s no one for you to call,” I tell her.

When she shuts the door, I fall apart. I’m not strong enough to cry with anyone; right now I am weak. Right now I am nothing but alone and it is all my fault.

I’ve been upset with women. Plenty of them. And even just coming back into this city reminds me of what I was doing down here,
who
I was doing down here.

I was tense before I walked into the doctor’s clinic. And then when Doctor Vance scanned me head-to-toe, telling herself I was everything she didn’t want—when we both know I am exactly what she wants—I wanted out of the appointment, stat.

But I wasn’t looking to get out of whatever-the-hell Harper and I are. I admit, I’m head-fucked about how to proceed. Do I just marry her to make her happy? Because part of me thinks that would be easiest. Maybe we get a house back here, I get a respectable position with whatever Dean’s new enterprise is. Work nine-to-five and come home to my wife and kids.

I mean, do I want that? Hell, no. But I’m not an asshole. I got this woman pregnant. A woman who happens to be fucking hot in bed, adorable when she cooks me dinner, and a dick tease when she slinks around my cabin in my tee shirt and nothing else. It’s not that I don’t want to keep banging Harper—I just know at the end of the day she wants more than a good screw. She wants forever.

And, fuck, that isn’t something I’m prepared to give. But maybe I’m just being a stubborn fool. Fact is, it’s not gonna get much better than Harper. She is more than a solid ten, she gets my cock hard without trying, she’s the mother of my children—and I may not be religious, but I swear she’s heaven on Earth.

But then that shit went down in the doctor’s office, and I have no clue what Harper wants. It’s like she wants it both ways: to have me, but also keep her morals. I can’t fucking offer her Jesus Christ. I can only give her myself. And if she really wants a life with me, I think that should be enough.

In the hallway, Doctor Vance speaks more candidly than she did in the room with Harper.

“Jaxon, I’ve only met Harper once before,” she says. “But I wonder about her level of support ... if maybe there is someone else in her life she can rely on?”

“I don’t know,” I say, swallowing. “I don’t know her that well. I’ve never met her family. Every time I mention support she gets all tense, and I hate to see her that way.”

“I know there is no easy answer, especially when a pregnancy occurs in a new relationship. Regardless of her decision for the ultrasound, I will see her in a month, and hopefully I’ll be seeing you again as well.”

I
n the car with Harper
, I want to tell her everything is going to be okay. Somehow. My parents will be arriving soon, and I’m not a mama’s boy by any means, but I do know my parents are solid and will help however they can.

Shit, after I sent them an email letting them know about the triplets, my mom convinced my dad that they needed to spend the winter in Idaho.

And I know it’s a bad time to propose, after our biggest fight, but I need to settle this with her, so we can make a fucking plan. The babies are coming whether or not we have one, and I may have a history, but I have no intention of being a deadbeat father.

“Harper,” I say, facing her in the car. “We need to talk about what happened in there.”

“Stop,” she says. “I just want to go home.”

“Harper, we drove all day, we need to eat and grocery shop. I’ve gotta talk to Dean. I’m not driving back to the cabin right now.”

“Not your cabin. Home. I want you to take me to my parents.”

“You were dead set against it.”

“Things change, Jaxon. I need to be with people who understand me.”

“I thought the problem was they wouldn’t understand. Wouldn’t accept.”

“I have to give them a chance to accept me, okay?”

“They could have come all month to see you, check on you and the babies. They chose to stay away.”

“No,” Harper says, shaking her head. “I never told them about the pregnancy. I told them not to come to the cabin.”

I sigh, frustrated that Harper would be so ... so .... Looking at her, I know exactly what she was. What she is. So scared.

“Fine, I’ll come with you, introduce myself, and help you explain.”

“Explain what, exactly, Jaxon? Explain that I broke all my covenants? All my promises? That I am exactly the girl Luke accused me of being? Tell them that I’m with you, a man who doesn’t even want to do the honorable thing and marry me?”

“We’re talking about honor, now?” I pound my fist on the steering wheel. The horn blasts, and I want to scream. “I’m doing everything I can to take care of you, Harper. Just fucking give me a chance.”

I will marry her. And it isn’t about honor. It’s about wanting to be with her. Her smile and laugh and love. I want Harper, but now she won’t hear me, hear any of it. She’ll think its a last-ditch effort. And maybe it is. Maybe I needed to get to this place, rock bottom, to realize that I want her.

“Let me be the man you need.”

“I don’t want that. Not now. I just want to go home.”

Jaxon pulls up to my parents’ home, and I see him move to unbuckle. I put my hand on his.

“Please, stay in the car.”

“I have to come in with you, to explain this.”

“I think my stomach will explain enough.”

“Fuck that.”

“Stop it, Jaxon. You can’t force your way in there.”

“For you I can.”

“No. I don’t want to be with you. Not like this. Not anymore. Just listen to me. Believe me. Just go,” I say, my words forceful and direct.

A shadow crosses Jaxon’s face. I’m breaking him.

“We’re too different,” I tell him, trying to ease him away. I see tears fill his eyes, and they fill mine too, and I can’t believe I am doing this. “You will always see me as inferior, as stupid and naive. And I will always wonder if I trapped you in a relationship you don’t want. Be honest with yourself, be honest with me. You don’t want this.”

“Your dad might do something crazy. He might hurt you. Or throw you out. I can’t drive away not knowing if you’re fucking okay.”

“I’m not asking you again. I need to go,” I yell at him, pushing open the door of his truck.

“Harper, don’t leave like this. This isn’t a game. This is our life. Harper!” Jaxon screams my name. He gets out of the car, runs toward me. I take off for the house, needing familiar. Needing my family. Praying they will be comforting and not condemning. Praying they will accept, not deny.

Tears stream down my cheeks. The front door opens. My parents walk outside just as I run toward them. I am desperate to feel safe. Feel known.

But before I take another step, I trip on the rockery. Fall. Clutching my stomach, I tumble to the ground.

The world spins. Then it stops.

And everything is black.

W
hen I wake up
, an IV is connected to my arm; a fetal monitor is strapped to my stomach. I’m in a hospital gown, and a screen records the
thumpthumpthump
of the babies’ heartbeats.

They are alive. I am alive. Oh, my heart—I’d thought, as I fell, it was all over.

I blink back tears, press my hands to my growing belly. We’re okay. My babies and me, at least. Because I don’t know if there is anyone else left.

Jaxon’s rumbling voice, calling out my name, asking me to stay with him in the car, rings through my head as I remember what happened before I tripped and fell.

I told Jaxon we were done. We fought at the doctor appointment. We’re too different, from different worlds, with different dreams—and he never asked for me to stay, to be his. He agreed to let me live at his cabin after I pushed my way in.

This housewife-game I’ve been playing at all month was a one-sided daydream that ended with me in a hospital bed, waking up from a nightmare.

“Harper, you’re awake.” A nurse in pale pink scrubs, her dark hair tied back, enters the room. She walks over to the monitor tracking everything happening within my womb. “You’ve been here several hours, but we had you sedated to let you recover in your own time from the trauma.”

“I see the three heartbeats,” I say, pointing to the monitor where three heartbeats are being tracked. “That means all three babies are okay, right?”

“You are a very lucky mama,” the nurse says, repositioning a monitor on my stomach. “All three are doing very well. Look at him, there, he is just happy as a clam.”

“He?”

“Mmmhhmm,” the nurse says absently as she prints some records off the machine that’s tracking the babies’ and my heart rate. “I’m sure everyone says it, but you will be such a busy mother. Three babies is one thing, but three boys? You are a saint!”

“Three boys?” My voice catches, and I don’t hide it. “I’m having three boys?”

“You didn’t know? Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry. I assumed you knew. It’s routine with a multiple pregnancy that everyone involved has a very clear picture of the babies.”

I felt overwhelmed before ... but now? Now I need what I was looking for when I fled Jaxon’s car. Comfort. Familiar. I need family.

“Is anyone here for me?”

“Yes, there are quite a few people waiting. Looks like you come from a big family yourself. Your parents are here, along with quite a few children. And the father is here too.”

“My father?”

“No, I’m pretty sure the man, Jaxon, is the father of your children. He’s been pacing the hospital for three hours, signing releases on behalf of the babies. He’s a nervous wreck, to be honest.”

“Can I see them?”

“The doctor is on her way. So first I need you to speak with Doctor Vance, then you can see your family.”

As if on cue, Doctor Vance walks in, tablet in hand.

“Harper,” she clucks. “I should never have let you walk away today.”

“I’m just glad the babies are okay,” I say quietly. “And I hear they’re three boys?”

She smiles softly, pulling up a chair and then sitting beside me. The nurse leaves the room, and I release a deep sigh, sure I am about to be reprimanded, and with good reason. I’ve been irresponsible in thousand different ways.

“While you were recovering, we did ultrasounds on the triplets, and are so relieved to know they sustained zero impact from the fall. And you’re in perfect health, which is helping tremendously as you carry three babies.”

“But…?” I frown, knowing there is always a but.

“But your stress levels are too high. You can’t continue to term if you’re so unsettled, so up in the air. It sounds like the family doesn’t know about the high-risk pregnancy, and you and the triplets’ father don’t appear to be on the same page.”

“High-risk pregnancy?

“A multiple birth pregnancy is inherently high-risk, Harper. I know having triplets can appear exciting, but there’s a huge responsibility added to this situation.”

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Well, first thing I suggest is make a plan with your support. That seems to be your parents and partner. After that, we can debrief on the plan and I will need to determine if, as the health care provider, it sounds feasible before I can discharge you. I think a good step would be conversations with both parties, and then everyone together.”

I nod, knowing that what she suggests happens next is the scary part. Talking to Jaxon. And my parents. In the same room, at the same time. The thing I put my children at risk to avoid.

I will never be so selfish again.

Even if it means I’m doing this next part—raising these sons—all alone.

I watched the Doctor walk in Harper’s fucking room. That tells me she’s awake, and it also tells me that the hospital bullshit I’ve been fed all day is just about over. They told me I’d be able to see her once she was awake.

I fought them on that; I should be able to sit in there with Harper and the babies. My children. My motherfucking family. But they said no.

Granted, Harper decided she doesn’t quite see me that way. Which is just another piece of bullshit red tape I have to cut through to get what I want.

What I fucking need.

Harper back in my arms, our children growing between us.

I need to make her understand that, yeah, this started as a one-night stand. And yeah, I don’t want to be a father right now. But I am, and I can be more. I need to show her that.

A nurse walks past me—a nurse I know I screwed in the bathroom at Mo’s Bar downtown. Twice. Of course I have to see that shit at the same time I’m pacing the halls alongside Harper’s father.

Did I mention her entire family is here? And yeah. They are pissed.

But, honestly, I fucking get it.

Their oldest daughter ran away a month ago, not telling them shit besides she was off screwing some guy in the woods.

I’m glad her father never showed up to try and chew me out, but, shit—I know he has a few choice words for me. He’s been stewing for hours, his wife looking at me from head to fucking toe. Probably judging me on all the ways this situation is messed up.

Her siblings, all nine of them, are sitting quietly with heads bowed, whispering. Not one is running around or arguing or fighting. Her family may be leaning toward the crazy side, but they’re sure as hell well-behaved.

I need to man up and go talk to her parents. Because the last thing I want is to get in a room with them—with Harper—and fight. Harper doesn’t need that, and neither do the babies.

I run my hand through my hair, over my beard. Nervous tics that are boyish bullshit. I need to be a fucking man.

I pull back my shoulders, swallow hard. Crack my neck. I can go over there and introduce myself. This isn’t fucking rocket science.

“Hey,” I say to her father. “I’m Jaxon.”

He nods his head stoically. “I’m Reverend Robert. This is my wife, Shelly.” He pauses, then offers me his hand. The handshake is weak, but at least it’s a fucking handshake. An olive branch or whatever religious bullshit this guy is gunning for. Whatever. I’ll take it.

For Harper, I’ll take anything.

I should have fucking told her that back at my cabin, or in the doctor’s office. In my car. I should have stopped being such a pig-headed fool, and never let her run away from me. She’s here right now in a hospital bed because I was an ass. A real man would never have let it come to this. Sure, she’s having my kids, but she’s also the only woman I ever fucking want.

She’s soft in the ways I’m hard, and curious in the ways I’m cold. She’s resilient in the ways I run, and I’m strong in the ways she’s scared. We fucking belong together. And I need her to know that.

“Good to meet you both.” I cough as a way to pause, wanting to make sure I get it right. “Obviously, Harper has been at my place all month. I assume you got the letter from Dean?”

Robert nods again. “Dean came by a month ago, yes. Seemed like a nice fellow.”

“And the letter? He gave you that?”

“He did. Did you read it first?”

“No, sir,” I answer, suddenly a fucking diplomat. Since when did I fucking care about being polite?

Oh, right—about the time Harper was admitted in the Emergency Room. About the time I nearly lost everything.

That fall in her parents’ front yard could have been so much worse. She could have landed face down. She could have lost all the babies. Instead, everyone survived.

She calls this pregnancy a fucking miracle?

I call
her
a miracle. And I call her mine.

“She wrote some pretty disappointing things, Jaxon. Questioned her entire faith, her values. Her moral integrity. She questioned them, and—at the same time, apparently—hid a pregnancy from us.”

“I thought you knew,” I tell them.

“We didn’t.”

Robert looks at Shelly, whose eyes are rimmed in tears. I hope—shit, I’m not a praying man, but I pray he redeems himself right about now, for Harper’s sake. She ran from the car today hoping this family of hers would give her what she needed, something familiar and something safe.

I pray they can fucking deliver.

Robert speaks again, “This afternoon has been shocking. Losing our daughter to the sins of the world, to a man like you, is one thing. But to know she is bringing life into a life of sin? It’s unbearable to accept that she would choose such a deplorable future for her offspring. That she would choose a man of this world over eternity with her family.”

“That is fucking bullshit, sir,” I tell him, not able to hold back. “You think Harper is a sinner? A fucking disgrace? She’s a fucking angel. So don’t stand here and talk about her like she’s dirty. Because she’s not. She’s as pure as a doe. She is nothing to be ashamed of. And to say that here, when she’s in the hospital, is goddamned crazy.”

Robert clenches his jaw, disgust written on his face.

“Don’t speak such vile words to me,” he says, his lips pursed in hate. “Don’t say such filth in front of my children and wife. Harper has chosen to live the life of a whore. She has chosen a man like you, with a reputation like you have, over a pious life in the church.”

“My words are vile? You’re the one calling your daughter names—a woman who is brave and strong. You’re the one calling a woman who is fucking beautiful something dirty. Fuck you—fuck all of you,” I shout.

I want to punch him. To bruise him. I want to hurt him, because he’s a fucking pig. A man I never want to see again. A man I never want my children near. I need Harper. And I need her now. I need her to know the truth. That I’m not going anywhere.

Not now, not ever.

“Excuse me, everyone.” Doctor Vance materializes as I’m neck-to-neck with Robert.

I step back, trying to calm the fuck down. But, damn, it’s hard. I want to punch that asshole until he spins.

Doctor Vance speaks again, “Harper is ready to see you all. I think, at this time, it would probably be best if you go in two separate groups. I know you’re all anxious to see her, but she and I have just spoken and made a tentative plan. She needs to speak with everyone separately, and then hopefully everyone together.”

I step forward. “Can I go in now?”

“Actually, Harper has requested to speak with her parent first,” Doctor Vance says. “How about you go get some food from the cafeteria and come back in, say, an hour?”

I want to scream, fight, say no. But I need to let Harper be the woman she is, speak with who she needs to speak with. It’s not like her fucking father’s true feelings are going to be masked.

I’ll be here when she’s ready.

If she needs an hour, fine. I know exactly how I’m going to spend it.

I leave the hospital, leave her parents, because I want nothing to do with them. And I pray Harper doesn’t either.