Time to Let Go (11 page)

“I’ve had a lot on my mind lately,” Hanna said. “It is not just about my mother.”

“You can talk to me,” Karim said. “Trust me, I’m a doctor.
Almost.”

“I hoped I could get away from it all but I guess there is no hiding from it. I
don’t want to be dramatic but I could only tell you if you, as a paramedic, were bound by something like a doctor’s oath of patient confidentiality.”

“I can promise you that I will treat any information you share with me as confidential,” he said very seriously. “Are you ill? Have you had some bad news? You know I can pull some strings if you needed a second opinion, or some special treatment?”

“I am bound by a non-disclosure document. If I told you and the information got out I would face serious consequences. There is an investigation going on.”

“A legal matter?” he asked.

“Yes. Medical and legal. You see, I tried to resuscitate a passenger. She had collapsed in a First Class toilet, but I could not bring her back to life when I found her. All that training was for nothing. She just died, Karim. I might as well not have bothered.”

“Now, now,” Karim said.

“The husband kept shouting at me that it was my fault. He is threatening to sue the airline and me personally. He went raving mad on the aircraft.”

Karim looked at her with compassion.

“I remember the first time I lost a patient. It took me a long time to get over the guilt. That drama you had from the husband is awful. Was there no one to take care of him and control his rage?” Karim asked.

She shook her head dismissively.

“There were people to deal with him all right. But he had said more than enough before they got me away from him. We stopped the C.P.R. after about forty minutes, which you probably know is longer than any standard procedure. The woman felt cold and rigid to me but I couldn’t give up and let go. I was looking into her empty eyes and thought ‘She must come back!’ I was very upset and I cried when they made me stop. I don’t know why but I kept apologising to the husband, maybe he saw that as a confession of guilt. It was all so messed up. She had died under my hands. I can’t help but feel that I failed her. My crying was playing into his hands. He claims now that we must have made a mistake.”

Although Hanna was still not crying she took out a tissue and blew her nose.

“Very nasty,” Karim commented. “But I am sure you have nothing to worry about. He would find it very difficult to prove that you made any mistakes. There is not that much you can do wrong with resuscitation that your colleagues would not have picked up on while you were doing it. Trust me he will never win, unless for example he could prove that you were drunk or untrained; I take it the company did a blood and drug test on you after you landed?”

Hanna put the tissue away and straightened up.

“Yes, they did. I am positively in the clear when it comes to all that and in any case, I believe the airline is insured for this kind of thing. Maybe the problem is me and my silly attitude. The company has removed me from flying duties for the time being so I can sort myself out. I have their support but can anything ever take away the doubt in my own mind that maybe I could have saved that woman, or if someone else had found her maybe they could have and she would have lived?”

She let out a big sigh.

“I understand. I am sure you did your best, just the way I always do. We are not gods to save their lives and we did not put these people in to the situation where they needed our help. Some people just die and the best medicine and treatment cannot save them. It is not your fault,” Karim reassured her.

“Thank you.”

Hanna smiled briefly but then her face froze again in a frown.

“I know that but I cannot make myself feel it. Whenever I think about it my stomach churns. I can’t sleep at night and if I do I keep dreaming about it.”

“I am truly sorry. If I had known how much you had on your mind I would have kept the conversation a bit more light hearted. Call me any time if you need someone to talk to, confidentially of course. Here is my card.”

“Thank you.” She took the card and put it in her purse.

“You should also go and see a doctor. Get something for the sleep and the worries. It will do you good. I could recommend a good counsellor. I can pull some strings so that you won’t have to wait.”

“Why would you do all that for a total stranger?” she asked, bewildered. “I am a good ten years older than you and the state that I am in now, please don’t expect me to get involved with anyone.”

“That’s fine,” he said. “You see, my helper complex is bigger than my God complex,” he said with a grin. “And my help is not conditional on anything.”

“Thank you,” she said, relieved. “I just don’t want to lead anyone on.”

“Now start from the beginning and tell me everything that happened on that plane,” he said.

So Hanna told him, and Karim asked her questions and took notes throughout.

“As a professional I can assure you that you haven’t done anything wrong,” he summed up.

“
Thank you.”

It was late by the time they left the restaurant together and Karim pushed his bicycle until Hanna had reached her car, then they parted ways, without any awkwardness between them over the rejection. She felt a lot better about everything.

Back home her parents were already asleep. Walter had left the lights on in the kitchen and as she went in to switch them off she saw a note on the kitchen table. Her heart sank as she read it:

Hanna,

The phone rang off the hook for you tonight. What is going on? Why are these people calling here? Please call them back and make sure they do not use the landline again. We mustn’t disturb your mother!

• Your manager Martin Shah
  
• A solicitor by the name of Richard Lewis
  
• A union rep called Nicky Markus
  
• Constable Derek Young!!!!
  
• And your brother Henrik in Wales
  
• (Tell him to call more often!)
  
• Sleep well!
  

Dad

Hanna took the note and went upstairs to her room. Confiding in Karim had helped to calm her, temporarily, but now reality was catching up with her in her hiding place. The list of callers from her father’s note suggested that the airline had tried her ‘in case of emergency’ number, which was actually her brother Henrik and they must have persuaded him to disclose her current location. Switching off her mobile phone and sticking her head in the sand had not stopped the world from turning. She was puzzled how the union had got hold of her parents’ number as well, even though she was actually quite grateful for that. It all pointed to Henrik, since he had called here at the same time.

After a few hours of tossing and turning in her bed without getting any sleep she decided to get up and do something. It was too late to return those calls now so she decided to switch on the computer and read some of the emails waiting for her. Maybe the bereaved husband had already withdrawn his complaints and the whole affair was being put to rest?

She went to her father’s study but as predicted the computer took an awfully long time to warm up. Hanna took out her mobile phone and switched it back on to see if Henrik had left her a message.

The phone vibrated excessively, announcing continually missed calls, text messages and new voice mail. Amongst mostly personal messages
from colleagues and friends were the important ones. Her manager Martin had left a few of them, asking her with increasing urgency to call him back. He had not said anymore. How on earth had he got hold of her mobile number as well? She had gone to considerable lengths to keep it out of the company records and successfully resisted all pressure for it after the plane had touched down in London two days ago.

Constable Derek Young sounded very friendly and relaxed and informed her that he would have to meet her to go over the preliminary statement she had given. It was nothing unusual and no cause for concern, but she was naturally entitled and invited to bring a lawyer.

The lawyer had informed her that a call from the police regarding her statement was imminent. The union rep, Nicky, was just trying to see if there was anything they could do and gave her private number, to make sure Hanna had 24/7 care if needed. What a darling, Hanna thought, taking her job that seriously.

At last, the all explaining message from her brother Henrik who confessed to disclosing her location and their parents’ already phonebook listed number to everyone.

He was concerned for her and wanted to know if she was okay? Was there anything he could do for her and could she please call him when she got this – day or night.

She noticed the professional tone
in all of the communications: no accusations, but also no absolutions.

Her friends wanted to help but they were not helping. The attention was making the whole thing only bigger than it already was. She dreaded having to call all of
these people back. She sent a text to Henrik to at least put him out of his misery:

All OK.
Don’t worry your pretty head, bro. I will call you tomorrow. Hx.

She wondered what he had told their father. That was the ultimate drama: to tell her dad and it was now only a matter of when, not if. She could already imagine his speech. He had been waiting for something like this all of his life and always blamed her for the accidents and dramas that kept happening in her life.

The mobile phone announced a new text:

What is going on?
Henrikx

Since the computer was still not ready to use Hanna went back downstairs into the living room and called him.

“Ah, so you can operate a phone,” he said cynically. “Hanna, what is up with you? Why have you switched your phone off for days and what are you involved in that you need help from the union?” her brother started on her. “Have you lost your job?”

“You sound just like Dad. There is no problem. I was involved in a medical emergency on my flight. Someone died while I performed CPR on them. There is a lot of admin for me right now,” she replied sharply.

“Oh, that sounds terrible. What did the guy die of?” Henrik said, almost sounding disappointed.

“I don’t know. It was a woman and she just collapsed in the
First Class toilet.”

“Dad obviously knows nothing about it.”

“Yes, and I would prefer to keep it that way,” Hanna said quickly.

“So what exactly happened?”

“I did my regular toilet checks between meal services and I noticed that one of them was engaged for a very long time. I knocked a few times and waited for a response, but nothing happened. I unlocked the door briefly, which is usually when the people inside panic and hold the door closed, so you know it is all ok. But nothing stirred, so I started to slowly open the door. It wouldn’t open properly because the body was slumped against it. We unhinged the door and there she was: Mrs White, unconscious and lying on the floor. I immediately started compressions to revive her but I never got her back.”

“That is terrible, sis.”

“You can say that again. We had to undress her for the procedure, and to get her jewellery out of the way. I was terrified of robbing her dignity, but there was no other way. One of the passengers even stepped right across the body during the resuscitation. He complained that we were blocking access to the toilets and he had to go. I guess he probably had to. We were all in shock but at the time we were still in the air and we had to feed a plane load of hungry passengers.”

“Jesus. So that is why you are at home? You are having a stress related holiday?”

“Yes, that’s right. It is a ‘holiday’. A present from the company for your lazy sister,” she said half-jokingly.

“Are you alright, though? Why is your phone switched off?”

“If it were not switched off I would be spending all day long talking about it. I just want a little peace.”

“Fair enough.
I am relieved though.”

“Why, relieved?
Someone died. What did you think had happened? What could be worse?”

“I thought maybe you had been drunk on the aircraft or something silly like that,” Henrik volunteered. “I thought you had lost your job!”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” Hanna said. “You can stop worrying now and go back to bed. Your sister is fine.”

“OK, good night then!” He rang off.

Hanna was pleased that he had not questioned her any more. Her brother had always been a bit of an emotional nerd and easy to distract. As supportive as he could be, this kind of thing was out of his league. He was the man to call for tax returns and business plans but not for effective emotional support. There were moments when she did not feel like part of this family at all; apart from her relationship with Biddy, the ties were stiff and distant. Hanna was the only girl, easy to placate and easy to neglect. She was neither strong enough for the manly sports activities, nor clever enough for a distinction in any area. Over protected by her father and her brothers she had grown up to feel rather useless and inept, in everyone’s shadow. Only in her late teens had she transformed herself into a more outgoing and confident young woman and made good friends outside the family. Yet every time she came back home she was edged into the role of the clumsy and unskilled girl - it was demoralising and tiresome.

By now it was already 2am and she decided to try again for some sleep.

In the hallway she bumped into a slightly agitated Biddy.

“What are you doing up?
” she asked her mother.

“The bathroom,” Biddy said.

“Here,” Hanna said and opened the door for her.

Biddy sighed with relief.

“Thank you.”

Hanna waited for her mother to come out of the bathroom again and then she directed her to the marital bedroom, just in case her mother could not find her way back. Biddy took a few steps into the room but then she quickly backed out onto the hallway.

“There is someone,” Biddy told her daughter with an alarmed tone. “There is a stranger sleeping in my bed.”

“Oh that would be Walter. You remember Walter?” Hanna asked suggestively.

“I don’t think so. I was too scared to look,” she said.

Hanna opened the door to her parents’ bedroom a little and pretended to examine the scene closely and thoughtfully,
then she turned back to Biddy.

“That is Walter. I know him. He is all right. You can go back to sleep.”

Biddy hesitated. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.
Go, get some sleep. Good night.”

Biddy reluctantly went back to bed while Hanna waited by the open door, then she waved and closed the door. That had gone surprisingly smooth
ly, but it was a little worrying.

Hanna went to her room
and managed to catch a few hours’ sleep. Over the years as a stewardess she had learned to function perfectly on just a little rest and her somewhat insomniac state over the last few days had not really impacted on her as yet. There were shift patterns when a plane crew had several night flights in a row and could only get rest during the day, in a hotel where often other guests or cleaning staff were too noisy and made it almost impossible to shut your eyes for long. When she returned from those flights she still had to make her journey home and then do mundane things like the washing, visiting the dentist or going to the bank to pay bills. Hanna could go to extreme lengths in sleep deprivation before exhaustion finally set in. She felt lucky she had not become one of those insomniacs who had to rely on heavy prescription drugs to sleep or need entire days in bed to recover. Her body worked best if she just got on with it and fell back into the rhythm of her own making.

She woke up before 6am and
decided to kill more time by going for a run until her father was up. She could do with an endorphin rush; that should help get rid of her subdued mood.

During the run she was taken back to the days of her childhood and teenage years, so many memories were waiting for her on the familiar path by the canal. She passed the little bridge where she and her teenage girlfriends had spent hours lusting after the rowers that passed back and forth underneath it. As young children she and her brothers had played a g
ame they called Poohsticks, which just involved throwing sticks over one side of the bridge, then watching whose came out first on the other side.

H
owever, her brothers had always won those games and none of the rowers ever looked back at her and her friends: this was not a place of great triumph for her, but it was familiar, and the disappointments were ‘water under the bridge’ now.

Old teenage angst overcame her when she ran past the bicycle track, which had only been recently added to the area, and which, during her
youth, had been a place of overgrown trees and bushes. As children they had used it for hide and seek games. Growing up with two older brothers she had been exposed to her fair share of dare and scare games in there as well and did not particularly like the eerie feel that the place still had for her. She remembered all the exaggerated warnings from their parents that it was a dangerous place where homeless people slept, and where children could come to harm.

But Hanna had also had her most romantic kiss in there. One night she had been to a friends’ house for a party, the first o
ne in her life where alcohol had been freely available without parental supervision. Over protected by her parents she had little experience with the stuff and was immediately tipsy, just on the little that she had drunk. One of the lads offered to take her home. With the help of her Dutch courage she grabbed his hand and then they kissed. She would never forget that moment. Nothing would ever come even close to the feeling of that evening. She had to laugh about the memories. How pure and intense teenage passion was.

The kiss was everything that mattered to her for weeks. She lay awake at night remembering it, still feeling it and even the fact that it had taken place in such a horrible and haunted location did not matter then.

When she realised how far she had run with her thoughts lost in the past she turned round immediately. It was almost seven by the time she got back and her parents were already up. She could see Walter pottering about in the kitchen and the light in the upstairs bathroom indicated that Biddy was in there. Hanna picked up the paper and let herself in through the front door.

“Well done
Pumpkin!” Walter said. “You were gone for so long. Did you run all that time? That’s impressive! How far did you go?”

“I got all the way to the draw bridge on the canal.” Hanna said, while regaining her breath.

“I am proud of you. At your age and with such a demanding job as yours - well done! But do you think that you should be running in the dark by yourself? It must be quite dangerous doing that. You could have fallen and injured yourself. Not to speak about the homeless people.”

“The moon was quite bright, and the homeless were all asleep,” she said evasively.

Walter took her hand and looked at her seriously.

“Whenever you want to tell me what all the phone calls are about I would be very happy to listen.”