Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself: 40 Ways to Transform Your Inner Critic and Your Life (19 page)

But I was very connected to these students long before I even knew I was. They eventually got to keep their senior project, but I received something so much greater. I learned what vulnerability looked and felt like. And I was the recipient of all its rewards.

Over the years, I have continued to experience that place of vulnerability. I cannot say that all my experiences have come through choice, but I do try to enter that state as much as I can. While I am far from being an expert on this subject, I have come to some conclusions that I hope will be meaningful to those who want to choose vulnerability.

First, vulnerability is so much easier when you love yourself. Think about it. When you don't love all of you and are afraid to show people the less-than-stellar parts, the space between you and vulnerability is like the Grand Canyon. You will need all the courage you can get to make the leap across. But when you love yourself, and I mean all of you, you don't worry so much if someone else doesn't. And when you're less afraid of rejection, you step right into that place of openness.

Second, vulnerability takes practice. You don't just learn it once and then—ta-da!—you're easily open to everything and everyone. My experience at the high school was very profound, but even now, many years later, I still have moments where I'm more guarded and less willing to share the real me. Thank goodness life continues to
give me opportunities to consciously choose openness. And most times, I do.

Third, the rewards of vulnerability are immeasurable. When I have chosen to be open, to show my authentic self, my students have met me there. And once we've formed that connection, there's nothing they can't accomplish.

With vulnerability you experience true connection—true love for yourself and for others—and you begin to attract people to you who are inspired by your openness. While it's not easy to be vulnerable, you'd be surprised how loving all of you and then sharing it with another can help you to connect with anyone.

In my own life, I'm continuing to open up to my students. I've been showing them a little more of the complexity that is me. They now know the ugly truth that I don't do math. They know that whenever I need to halve a recipe, my twelve-year-old nephew does the fractions for me. Shameful? Perhaps. But you know what? I like that girl—and in the end, so do my students.

by Julie Hoyle

Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it's dark
.

—Z
EN
P
ROVERB

There was once a man who loved to complain and find fault with everyone and everything. Nothing pleased him, so he moved from one town to another, declaring as he left each place, “I am going to another town, where the people are friendlier.”

A wise man perceived what the problem was, and as the angry man began striding along the dusty road to yet another destination, the wise man compassionately called out, “Oh brother, moving from place to place does not serve you well. Wherever you go, there you will also find yourself. Your shadow is
always
with you.”

It took me a long time to understand that, in part, this was my story too. In early 2001, after taking a leave of absence from my job and arriving at an ashram in India, I anticipated the months there would be filled with experiences of light, peace, and expansion. However, within days I was assigned to work with a young woman who could be charming one minute and explosive the next. I was shocked and began pondering, “How could such an angry person be in this sacred place?”

Finally, after an episode of her screaming, purple with rage in response to the way I had handled a project, I realized it was time to take a deeper look at myself. Self-reflection took little time to reveal that there was anger, oodles of it, bubbling under the surface of my calm demeanor. Safely kept in check for as long as I could remember, the rarified energy of this meditative environment was revealing my long-lost friend, the “shadow.”

For the first time, I began to recognize that this woman's anger belonged to me, and what's more, what I was seeing was just the tip of the iceberg. With this acknowledgment every hidden nuance of anger, in many glorious forms, began to surface. Frustration, despair, irritation, disappointment, and depression all came up for air after being hidden underground for so long.

During my time in India, I wrote in my journal, contemplated each experience, and asked the shadow to be revealed in dreams. I was also led to experiment with self-inquiry exercises.

One simple exercise went like this: write down the names of at least five people (living or dead) who inspire you. Beside each name, identify one positive quality they embody. For example, Mother Theresa: compassion. Acknowledge that in order to recognize these qualities, they must be in you. They are already “yours.” Next, assume the direct opposite of each quality. For example, Mother Theresa: cold/uncaring. Take a moment to recognize and acknowledge that each “negative” quality must also be yours. Now ask, “How do you serve me?” and “What must I learn from you?”

When I gently asked questions to the cold/uncaring qualities, the responses were enlightening. I heard, “I serve you when you are not clear about your boundaries and take on too much. You must learn to honor your needs and know when to say no.” In that moment, I realized that the shadow
also
contains positive qualities, and in order to be authentic, I needed to take ownership of both positive and negative projections.

Though simple, shadow exercises should not be underestimated. They are very, very powerful. They allow us to tap into energy that has formerly been repressed. Once released, a dynamic force initiates immediate changes in our consciousness and in our lives. What we are actually doing when we practice shadow exercises is re-establishing the studied qualities and the energy inherent in them in our psyche. Because of the power of the energy, this work is transformational. It can also be unnerving.

At its very core, the shadow is the collective name given to aspects of ourselves we are not taking ownership of because of fear. On a subconscious level, we are afraid that if people (or the community) “knew the truth,” we would be judged, reviled, rejected, or worse, thrown out. As a consequence, we try to hide what we believe is unacceptable.

This pattern of behavior begins from the moment we are born. A normal aspect of growing up is that we are taught what constitutes appropriate social behavior and what does not. However, on a subtle or not-so-subtle level, we might also learn from our parents or
caregivers that being creative is unacceptable, or that expressing moderate anger or frustration is going against the norms of society. When we internalize these messages, we form beliefs about what is “wrong” with us and repress them so deeply that they become unconscious. What we do not realize is that these aspects of who we are must find expression, and so we project them onto other people, organizations, or the world at large. This is how and why the shadow includes both all that we determine we dislike about ourselves and all the wonderful creative potential we are blind to being gifted with.

In addition, when we begin taking ownership of the shadow, we must also understand that this work is not about becoming someone else, or an “improved” version of who we think we are. Some people become addicted to becoming spiritual athletes, believing that if they meditate for longer and longer periods each day, endure fasts, and chant nonstop, they will attain enlightenment. While these practices are beneficial and supportive for stilling the mind, entering presence, and becoming aware of resistances, they are not “it.”

Indulging in long hours of practices as a way of trying to fundamentally change who we are is often a camouflage for lack of self-worth or even self-hatred. What we must do instead is wake up to what we are repressing, own what we are “putting out there,” and reclaim our inherent gifts, skills, and talents.

In support of this we can also ask: which gifts have I been neglecting? How can I start to make life choices in support of what I have to offer?

Ultimately, shadow work marks the beginning of the end and is a turning point on the spiritual path. In essence, we are electing to grow up and stop finding fault with everyone and everything “out there.” Then, as if by magic, our natural state of unity consciousness begins to break through like the light of a new dawn, and we discover there is no longer a desire to keep running. We have simply, joyfully, and gratefully come home to who we really are.

1. See yourself beyond your roles
.

Ask yourself: Who am I? Then write a response stream-of-consciousness style that focuses on your gifts, strengths, interests, priorities, and passions. Resist the urge to list roles, like writer, mother, brother, runner, or yogi. Your roles in life will change—and the roles you currently fill may not be ones you chose based on your authentic wants. The goal isn't to define yourself; it's to get to know yourself—what you enjoy and value—as this is the first step in accepting and sharing who you really are.

2. Take a tiny step to move beyond your mask
.

You might be wearing a mask that conceals your true feelings, fears, and insecurities; or it could be a mask that reflects who you think people want you to be. Take a tiny step to move out from behind it. That might mean sharing something with a friend that you usually keep to yourself, or participating in an online discussion about something you formerly felt a need to hide. Once you experience that fulfilling sense of connection that comes from being authentic, you will likely be inspired to continue on this path.

3. Challenge yourself to be vulnerable
.

It can feel safe to be guarded, since other people can only really reject us if they fully see us. Being guarded can also give us the illusion of control—if we believe showing emotion is a sign of weakness, then concealing it becomes a sign of power. But we never really connect with people when we try to manipulate their perception. Instead, we come to each other as shells of our real, multifaceted selves. Challenge yourself to be a little vulnerable. Admit if you feel uncertain. Reveal how much you care about something. When you release the façade and show up as you are, you reinforce to yourself that who you are is worth sharing.

4. Ask yourself, “What is my shadow side trying to tell me?”

Jot down five positive traits you wish to possess and then their opposites. Now ask yourself what the negative attributes might be teaching you when they're present in your life. For example, rudeness might be teaching you that you need to get more sleep so you're not so irritable; dishonesty might be teaching you that you need to value your needs, instead of giving people excuses about why you can't meet theirs. When you face your darkness head-on, you show yourself compassion, learn from the feelings or traits you're tempted to repress, and reduce your shadow's power over you, minimizing internal conflict.

W
E DON
'
T HAVE THE TIME
. W
E HAVE TOO MUCH TO DO
. O
THER
people want and expect things from us. We make all kinds of excuses to avoid taking care of ourselves, oftentimes because we feel guilty or selfish putting our needs first. Particularly for women, we feel a strong instinct to put others ahead of ourselves. In her book
Revolution from Within: A Book of Self-Esteem
, Gloria Steinem suggests that we can become “empathy sick”—we can spend so much time trying to be there for others that we lose touch with what it means to be there for ourselves. We end up neglecting our needs, partly because we have no idea what they are.

But self-care is not just about overcoming guilt and fostering self-awareness—it's also about respecting ourselves, as we generally only protect and nurture the things and people we value. We have to believe our needs are important or else we won't prioritize them. We have to know that we don't have to overextend ourselves,
sacrifice our interests, or prove that we're not selfish in order to be good people. And we have to know there's nothing wrong with having the specific needs we have. Until we stop judging our requirements for happiness, we will not be able to honor them.