T.J. Klune - Bear, Otter, and the Kid 1 - Bear, Otter, and the Kid (34 page)

I snort. “Sin? Come on, Mother.” I sit down on the couch and glare up at her as she paces back and forth in front of me. “Youve never been one for religion, so its probably not a good idea for you to start now. Youll only embarrass yourself more than you already have.”

She stops in front of me, looking incredulous. “Youre worried about me embarrassing myself? Look at you! I didnt raise you to become Otters bitch!” she yelps at me. “Youre not a
fag
, Bear! What the hell has he done to you?” She starts wringing her hands again, and I think that soon theyll fall off.

“He hasnt done anything to me,” I say, frowning. “Well, not anything I didnt want him to do.” Its a cheap shot, I know, but I cant help feeling a sweeping sense of glee as I see her eyes widen, and she pulls back. “And dont say fag. Ty says that word is crude, and I believe him.”

I narrow my eyes. “Get it through your head, right now: he hasnt done anything to me that I didnt want him to do.”
“You werent like this when I was here!” she wails. “I would have never let you become this… this
thing
that you seem to think you are!”
“Then its probably a good thing you left!” I roar at her. “And if you think that youre staying would have made one goddamned bit of difference, then youre even more stupid than I thought!”
“Dont… dont even…,” she stutters. “Dont you
dare
….”
I jump to my feet, my face inches from hers. “Dare what?” I sneer, feeling my lip curl up, and I know I look like Otter did just moments ago. Savage pride rolls up through me, starting at my toes and kicking its way up my spine. “Dare what?” I say again, low and hot.
“The bible
says
—”
“I said drop that bullshit!” I shout at her. “Who the hell are you, coming into my house, telling
me
whats right and wrong? Just who the hell do you think you are?”
She attempts to pull herself up to her full height, which was never very impressive. “I know who I am,” she shivers at me. “And I know who you are… or who you were. You used to be my son, and now all I see is—is this
queer
standing in front of me.”
When she says this last, it takes all of my strength to keep from reaching out and knocking her across the mouth. Even that is almost not enough. I picture it in my head: my fist would bash into her face and the blood would fly as her mouth breaks, and her nose shatters. She would reel back and trip over the low coffee table that is resting at the back of her legs. She would fall backward, and her head would bounce off the table, and it would crack open, and she would lay there and not move. This shakes me more than her presence here. It shakes me to know that I could do this and not feel a single ounce of remorse. I close my eyes and try to rid myself of the dizzying sense of vertigo that threatens to take over my mind.
“What do you want?” I say, trying to keep my voice even.
“Ill tell you what I didnt want,” she sniffs. “I didnt want to come home and find this—”
“This isnt your home. Answer the question.”
“Bear,” she cries, her voice high and whining, like I remember it being. “I told you, I just wanted to see my boys!”
“I know thats what you said,” I tell her, my eyes still closed. “But you were lying. What do you want?”
“I dont have to stand here and let you talk to me like this,” she says, and I can feel her step away. “I dont deserve to be treated like this,” she mutters, almost to herself. “I am still your mother, and I know whats right for you.”
My eyes flash open, and Ive had enough. “
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
!” I scream, my throat tearing as the words burst out of me. I swim further out to sea. In the distance, the sounds of thunder ripples through the sky, and in my mind I look to the horizon and see enormous thunderheads building. Wind slides gently over my hair, bringing with it the promise of rain.
Bear
, it whispers.
Bear, you need to get to shore. You need to get to shore before the storm gets here. If you don’t, you’ll be pulled out and not even I can follow you there.
My mother eyes me fearfully, and for the first time in my life, Im glad that she left when she did. Oh, Ive felt some things that could border the relief I feel now, but never in the last three years has this overwhelming sense of rightness been so prevalent in my mind. She said that if she had stayed, Otter and I would never be Otter and me, and as much as Id like to deny it, I have this horrible feeling that shes right. Otter would have stayed here, and I would have gone away to school, and the chances of Otter and me aligning the way we did might never have happened. And to make matters worse, I would have left the Kid here with her. Sure, I would have kicked and berated myself every day for doing so, but I think I would have done it anyway. If she had stayed, so many things would be different, so many things would be out of place in the world. I would have never found the last pieces of the puzzle to fit together to make everything complete. I would have never been able to see the Kid become what he is today. I understand now that I can never truly hate her, because she gave me the ultimate gift: she gave me my family.
“Mom,” I sigh, the fight draining out of me, “I think you should go. I dont want to do this with you anymore. I think you need to just go and not come back again.”
“Bear,” she says, shuddering, “I cant leave you here like this. Not when I know now that you need your mom the most.” She shakes her head. “I need to be here for you.”
“I dont need you,” I tell her as gently as I can. “I havent needed you for a very long time. You said you came here to see how the Kid and I were doing. You have your answer. You saw it with your own eyes and can go back to where ever it is you came from knowing that we are both doing fine. And we will always be that way.”
She looks like she is going to reach out and grab my shoulders, and for a moment, I think I will let her. I think I will hug her back. I think it will be the last contact that I will probably have with her. If Ty wants to try and find her someday, then thats his choice. This will be the last time I see my mother, and however sad that sounds, its going to be for the best. Ill leave here and go to Otters house, and Ill let my boys wrap me in their arms, and maybe Ill cry a little, but goddammit, I think Ive earned it. Creed will be there, probably already filled in on the goings-on of the McKenna household, and Ill look him in the eye and tell him that I am in love with his brother. Hell look at me funny for a moment and then turn to Otter, who I know will be wearing that lopsided grin of his, and then hell look back at me, and a smile will split his face in half. Hell laugh and shake his head and chide me for not telling him sooner. Ty will tell him thats why he cant say fag anymore, and Creed will walk over and hug the Kid until his back cracks, and then well all go out to the living room and spend the rest of the night talking. Ty will fall asleep on the couch between us, and Creed will carry him up to his room, and Otter will look at me sleepily and hold out his hand. Ill take it, and he will lead me to his room, and Creed will chuckle and tell us that he better not hear anything gross, and well all laugh at that, and Otter will close the door behind me.
The lights will be off but the early gray dawn that can only be found on the Oregon coast will be streaming softly through the window. There will be shadows on the walls that play and dance against Otters skin as I lift his shirt slowly over his head. The neck of the shirt will catch on his nose, and his eyes will be hidden and his arms raised above his head, and Ill lean in and kiss him gently. Ill feel him smile into my mouth and pull his shirt off the rest of the way. Hell take me into his arms, his biceps flexing and warm and hard against my body. The rest of our clothes will melt away, and when he enters me I know, I just know, the ocean will once again dry up and the clouds will fly away and there will be stars shooting across the sky, and I will cry out against him, and hell groan something back that sounds suspiciously like
I love you
, and Ill know it to be true. The slap of skin against skin will ring throughout my head, and I will be taken to an edge that Ive never been to before, and then well both go over, and well be flying. Afterward, hell play with my hair, and Ill fall asleep in my spot on his shoulder, hearing him say, “The fight for you is all Ive ever known,” and when I dream, it will be of him because
she
gave him to me.
She
gave me the chance to find him, and for that, I will never truly hate her.
I smile at my mother and start to raise my arms.
“Im taking Ty with me,” she says.
“Youre… what?” I say, sure I have heard her wrong.
“Tyson, Bear,” she says. “I am taking Tyson with me. I can see that you are not going to go back to the way you were, the way you
should
be, so I have no choice.”
“You cant,” I whisper.
She eyes me evenly. “I can and I will,” she says stonily. “I am his mother, and he is only eight years old, and he belongs to me.”
“Hes nine, you stupid bitch,” I say. “And you will never take him away from here. This is his home, and Otter and me are his family.”
“You just try and stop me,” she says and pokes me in the chest. “I told you already, Bear. Who do you think people are going to believe? Who are they going to trust? I am his mother and you… you are a disgrace. Youre barely able to take care of yourself, much less a child.”
“Ive done it well enough for the last three years,” I pant, blood pounding in my ears. “Or have you forgotten already? Have you forgotten how you were a coward and left everything behind? You dont think that people are going to ask questions about you?”
She shrugs, and the feeling to hit her comes rising back up. “They can ask all they want, Bear. Ill say I was sick and needed to go away. Or that I had to leave for work and left you in charge. Or any number of things that I can think of. I will not have my son being raised by you. Youre too late for me to save, but it will not happen to Tyson.”
“You would never do that,” I say incredulously. “Youre not that coldhearted, to do that to him. If you take him away from here, you will destroy him, and I swear on everything I have that I would die before letting you do that.”
She smiles at me, displaying slightly yellowed teeth. “I would be helping him, in the long run. Hell see. Hell hate it at first, but one day, hell understand why I did what I did. Tyson will learn that everything that youve become would have led him down the same path. Hell thank me, and hell love me, because I am his mother.”
I shake my head. “I wont let you do this.”
“You dont have a choice, Bear,” she says. “You should have thought of this before you lowered yourself to the gutter. You could have stopped this from happening. In a way, all of this is your fault.”
“No,” I say, not wanting to believe her. Shes not right. She cant be right. The storm roars deftly overhead, and I think I hear the voice screaming in my head, but I cant make out what its saying, and then its gone, lost in the wind.
“Yes,” she says. “Yes, and now, if you dont mind, call Otter and tell him to bring Tyson back here. If you dont, I will call the police, and we will let them decide.”
“Ill tell them everything youve done,” I say forcefully. “You wont get away with this. You gave me a signed power of attorney over Tyson.”
She arches her eyebrow at me, and it lifts her face, and for a moment, she looks years younger and I see my mom in this woman standing in front of me, and I almost break then, but I see that regardless of who I think she is, shes enjoying pulling the snare, trapping me until I start to choke.
“Wont I?” she says. “At the very least, the police will come, and youll say what you have to say, and Ill say what I have to say, and what do you think will happen then? All you have is an illegally notarized power of attorney that was started before you turned eighteen. Do you think they would let him stay here, Bear? Theyll take one look at you and see youre just a child yourself and that youve sinned against God, and theyll all know what it is youve become. And you can say whatever you want about me. Maybe theyll let him come with me, maybe they wont. If they dont, Bear, theyll still take him away from here and put him somewhere until all of this gets sorted out. How do you think Tyson would do in foster care? Do you think hell be placed with a family who loves him? A family whose moral compass isnt spinning out of control? Hell be taken away from
both
of us, but I can live with that. At least he wont be here. At least he wont be here with you.”
My eyes are wide and my mouth is dry, and I cant think of a single thing to say to her.
Is that what would happen?
I think.
Would they really take him away from me? She can’t be right about that! She’s just saying that to scare me! Nobody, not even
her
, is that cruel. She knows what that would do to the Kid. Somehow she knows, and I’ll be damned if I am going to let this happen.
“You cant do this,” I repeat.
She smiles again and pulls the snare complete. “I can and I will. But….” She pauses, as if considering. “Maybe it wouldnt have to come to that.”
“What?” I ask, confused.
Careful, Bear!
I hear it scream.
Oh God, don’t do this—
“If you and I can come to an agreement, maybe Ill reconsider,” she says, pacing in front of me again. I notice wildly that her tears have completely dried up, and I think that this whole thing has been a game. I think that somehow, shes planned this, down to the last detail. That somehow, shes known about us all along.
“What agreement?” I say dully.
She stops in front of me. “If I leave Ty here with you, you have to promise to do something for me. If you do this one little thing, I promise to stay out of the way. I promise to leave Seafare, and you will never have to see me again.”
“What?”
“You will end things with Otter,” she says coldly. “This has gone on long enough. I will not have my son become a faggot. I will not have you raise Tyson to be a faggot. You will tell Otter that youve had a change of heart and that you never want to see him again. Tell him to go back to San Diego.”
San Diego? How did she
know—
“You cant be serious,” I whisper.
“Im very serious, Bear,” she says. “I know more than you think I do, and I will not have my sons disgrace me like this. If you do this one thing for me, you can keep Ty here with you, and I will stay out of the way. But,” she says, shoving her finger into my chest again, “if I leave and hear any different, it will be over, and I will come back here so fast your head will spin. Ty will be taken from you, and I can promise you that you will never see him again.”
“Why are you doing this?” I mutter, feeling tears welling inside me.
She shakes her head. “Havent you listened to a single word Ive said? God, Bear, you would think you were still five. I told you: no son of mine is queer. No son of mine will ever be queer. I will not stand for this, ever.”
I blink back the stinging in my eyes. “You realize,” I tell her weakly, “that Im going to hate you forever for this.”
Her eyes soften and the wrinkles around her mouth disappear, and for a moment, just a moment, I think all of this is a dream and weve gone back in time, and shes never left, and Ty hasnt been born, and Im six years old, waiting for my mother to say something sweet to me, waiting for her to show me that she cares.