To Forgive & Hold Safe (The Broken Men Chronicles Book 4) (12 page)

“I couldn’t sleep.” I kissed her forehead as she came to settle against my shoulder.  “Go back to sleep.  I’ll just read for a bit.”

She looked up and met my gaze.  “Read to me?”

She was wide awake now, and I really didn’t mind sharing this with her.  So, I opened the book that highlighted Candace’s other life…

I made a large effort tonight.  It hadn’t been all that hard, really.  I finished reading the remainder of Candace’s journals, all the way up to the very last entry, which left off a few days prior to the accident.

Upon finishing, I closed the book and rested it on my lap.

There was no other way to explain it, I was numb.

Hannah sat beside me with her head on my shoulder.  Silent.

“Well,” I cleared my throat, “I’m glad that’s over.”

Hannah sat herself up. I felt her eyes on me, studying, reading me to see what I needed next.  I’d grown accustomed to her doing that.  I liked her doing it.  She seemed to always know what it took to soothe me, calm my frustrations, or in this case, the building rage that I felt.

Her fingers grasped my chin and turned my face toward hers.  “You’re better than all of this, Ben.”

I looked into her eyes for any form of pity or sympathy. I found none.

I finally had my answers.

While reading, flashbacks of that night filled the small gaps that had been left from my earlier nightmare.  I knew what happened down to every last word.  It was clear I’d lost Candace a long time before I’d physically lost her presence on this world.

Closing that last journal was like closing the book on a never-ending chapter in my life.  Despite the anger, the resentment, and the betrayal, I felt lighter.  I felt free to do as I pleased, and I hadn’t a clue as to where I wanted to go from there, but I knew I had time to figure it out.

In the span of a night, I’d gone from being a widower and father, who had it all, to feeling like I’d never had any of it.  What I believed to have been mine over the years, I never truly possessed.  And I don’t mean my wife.

Karen wasn’t mine as it turns out, which was another reason why Candace had begun to make plans to leave me.

Gut-wrenching sobs got the better of me when I first read those words.  Hannah had simply held onto and reminded me that I’d been the only steady father that Karen had ever known, and that made me more of a father to her than her own kin.  It made me feel better.  Barely.

“I need to do something,” I told Hannah as the sun rose behind the curtains.  We still hadn’t slept.

She snuggled into me.  “What did you have in mind?”

“I need to go see her parents.  I think it’s time.” 
But…

Hannah lifted her head to look at me while my gaze remained trained to the ceiling.  “What is it?”

I let out a loud sigh.  “I can’t go there alone and I know I should.”

“How about this?” She kissed my cheek.  “I’ll go with you for moral support, but I’ll stay in the car.  I doubt that they’d be thrilled to see you with a woman anyway.”

I nodded.  “Let’s get a bit of shut-eye first.” Shuffling us down, she settled into the crook of my arm.

Later that afternoon, we jumped in my car and headed for Betty and Don’s.  I had called ahead to make sure that they’d be there, not wanting to turn one visit into multiples when I wasn’t sure what to expect.

The drive there had been silent and anxiety-ridden. Hannah held my hand the entire time and I fed off of her strength to keep me moving forward.

I came to a stop in their driveway, turned the car off and left the keys in the ignition for my companion.

Releasing a calming breath, I said, “I’ll be back as soon as I can.  Knowing me, I’ll be running out of there in the next five minutes.”

Joking might not have been the best thing in this moment, but it was the only thing I knew to do when I felt uncomfortable prior to doing something I wholeheartedly dreaded.

“No, you won’t.”  She rubbed the side of my arm. “You can do this, Ben.  You’re ready and if you need me, I’m right here.”  Her arms pulled me in for a hug.

I nodded into her neck and took in her scent, its soothing properties calming my erratic heartbeat.  Holding her face between my palms, I kissed her forehead.  “I’ll be back.”

The walk up to the door felt entirely too short before I was knocking.  I didn’t have to wait long for Betty and Don to greet me with hugs.

“I’m so glad you called,” Betty said, her body stiffening as she pulled away from our hug.  “Who’s that?”

“A friend.”

She pulled further back.  Much to my disbelief, the woman was beaming. “A girlfriend?”

I chuckled.  “Maybe someday.”

“Well she can’t stay in the car,” Betty said, waving at Hannah to join us.  “There’s a reason she’s here with you, and that makes her special.”

Don put a hand on my shoulder.  “We know this decision of yours to visit wasn’t easy.”

I hadn’t heard the car door open, so I turned and motioned for Hannah to join us.  I just hoped that Betty and Don were sincere about their acceptance of Hannah’s presence because I knew I needed all of them in my life, regardless of circumstance, and I couldn’t help but want Hannah in whatever capacity she was willing to be present.

Hannah got out of the car with the keys and locked it.  She walked up to us with a shy smile.  I winked at her when she looked up at me from my side.

After introductions were made, Betty and Don took us around to the back patio.  Candace’s mother served us some lemonade before she sat down to discuss the proverbial elephant in the room.

“I’m presuming that you’re here because of what we dropped off.” The pain on Don’s face was obvious.

I nodded.

“You being here means-” Betty said.

“I’ve read them,” I said.

I saw the look of relief cross their faces.  They knew what their daughter had been up to.

“We tried so many times to give you her stuff,” Don said.

“I know.  I’m sorry I never gave you guys the opportunity, but, three years?”

“It’s my fault,” Betty was quick to say as she reached for Don’s hand.  “Her office called about a month after the funeral.  Her boss had the box dropped off here.  I knew that you weren’t ready to deal with more of her belongings, so I got Don to put them away in the attic.”

Six months ago, they’d been cleaning the space when they’d stumbled upon it and decided to take a look.  It was right around the same time that their appearances grew in frequency.  They wanted me to know.

“I never meant to read them, but as I leafed through the pages, it became evident that Candace had another life away from you,” Betty confessed.  “So I packed everything up and left it in the car until the next time we saw you, to pass it on.”

“You needed to know,” Don said.  “We love you like you’re ours, Ben.”

“I know.” I swallowed the lump that had formed in my throat.  “And I love you both, too.”  The reality was heart-wrenching, but it was a fact.  Betty and Don were great people and had taken me in as one of their own.  “I need to ask if you’ve read everything?”

“We have an idea, but I felt it best that we didn’t pry more than we already had,” Betty said.

I nodded and took a deep breath.  Hannah grabbed my hand.  “She wasn’t just having an affair.” Both Betty and Don looked down and nodded their heads in understanding.  “Chris,” Betty’s head snapped up, “he was her boss.  And Karen,” Don matched Betty’s stunned gaze, “she wasn’t mine.”  I took a deep breath.  “Candace was planning to leave me.”

I answered as many of their questions as I could handle, which – to my shock – ended up being all of them.

The couple was rendered to tears of sadness as I spoke. Their faces gave away the guilt they harbored for the shit their daughter had put me through.

Now that they knew about their daughter, I had one more thing to discuss.

“I never talked much about the night of the accident, and that’s because I couldn’t remember everything that happened.”

“Oh, Ben!” Betty reached out for my hand.

I presumed that my grief and the trauma of my loss had caused me to block out certain things about that night.  I explained that up until last night, I hadn’t a clue as to why it was that my attention was diverted from the road, why I’d lost control of the car, what had been happening that led us down the road that led to where we were today.

“We’ve never blamed you, Ben.” Betty squeezed my hand. “All we ever wanted was to make sure you knew that we were here for you.  We want you to be happy.”

I caught both her and Don eyeing Hannah and smiling at her.  The woman was blushing from their attention.

Squeezing Hannah’s hand, which had yet to let go of mine, I said, “I think I’m on my way there.”

Hannah and I left Betty and Don’s a few hours later.

“Do you have somewhere you need to be?” I asked her.

“Nope, not really.  What do you have in mind?”

I drove us back to her place so she could change into something more appropriate for what I had planned.

As I waited for her, I walked around the living room and found that all the framed photos of her and Lee had disappeared.  Those of her and her parents, and some with who I assumed were friends of hers, had remained.  Hannah was making her house her own, and those were great signs of her forward progress in moving on.

“How’s this?”

I turned to see her in a tight pair of skinny jeans and a tank top that hugged her chest and flowed loosely around her waist.  “Perfect!”  I smiled at her.  “Now let’s go.  I don’t want to be late.”

Holding my breath, I parked in the drive.

“Ben, why are we at my parents’ place?”

“This is where I’m taking you to dinner.” I grinned.  “Your mother invited me over as a thank you, and there was no way I was coming without you being here.”

“What is this?  Parents Day?” she asked.  “Should I be on guard that we’ve got other parents to meet, for dessert perhaps?  Or maybe it’s for a late night tea?”

I laughed.  “No, this is it.  After this, you’re safe from anyone’s parents, including mine.”

I wish I had been right about that one.  As we opened the door to leave after dinner, I found myself face-to-face with two familiar faces.

“Mom… Dad,” I said. “What are you-?”

“Roz… Doug,” Adam said.  “Come in!”

“Ben?” my mother said, then looked over at Hannah who stood at my side.

“Hannah, honey…here.  I meant to give this to you the other day.” Anne handed her an envelope.

“Hannah?” Dad asked.  “As in-?”

“I knew it!” Mom clapped her hands, and that’s when I clued in.  Those curious looks my parents had shared during my last visit with them.

Hannah looked at me and then back to my Dad.  “Roz and Doug are your parents?”  I nodded and she started to laugh.  “I’ve heard so much about you! I feel like I know you guys already.  I’m Hannah.”  She stuck her hand out and shook my parents’ hands.  “Mom and Dad talk about you two all the time.”

Dad grinned.  “This is a small world.”

“How are you feeling, dear?” Mom tucked a strand of Hannah’s hair behind her ear.  “Your mother told me about the accident just the other day.”

“I’m getting there.” Hannah looked up and smiled at me.  “Thanks in large part to your son.”

“Were you guys leaving?” Dad asked.  Hannah and I nodded.

“I hope we see you again really soon, Hannah.” Mom surprised her with a hug.  It was a slightly longer-lasting one, and when I caught Hannah nodding in the embrace, I could only imagine what my mother had said to her.

They shared a look as they backed away, Mom cupping her cheek and then turning to me.  I wasn’t escaping from one of her embraces.  I’d missed the large punch the tiny woman generated.

“Thanks for dinner, it was delicious,” I said to Hannah’s parents.

“You’re welcome, Benjamin,” Anne said.  “I hope we keep seeing you around.”

“Yes, ma’am.” She gave me a mocking glare, chasing it with a wink.

With a few extra hugs and kisses to her parents, I did the gentlemanly thing and helped Hannah to my car.  She rolled her eyes at me, but didn’t move.

“Just get in, will you.”  I chuckled.  “They’re watching.”

“I know.”  She waggled her brows, which made me laugh loudly.  Kissing me on the cheek, she then dipped into the passenger seat quickly, while our parents giggled.

After a great and very entertaining dinner at the Donners’, and the unexpected run-in with my parents, I’d invited Hannah over, not wanting our time together to end just yet.

“Well, that was an interesting day,” I said.

“It’s hilarious, really,” she said.  “Like kismet.”

I gave her an inquisitive look.  “Kismet?”

“Like fate, chance, destiny… That kind of stuff.  We’ve spent our lives growing up in close-by neighborhoods, own businesses that are only a few blocks from each other.  We’ve probably gone to the same schools.  And we meet in a place that couldn’t have been further from where we’d normally be.”

“If it’s fate’s fault that we’re here, it’s got one damn twisted sense of humor,” I said as I turned the corner.

“Why are we on my street?” she asked.  “I thought we were going to yours.”

“We are, but I figured that you would want to pick up a few things to bring over.”

Her lips tilted up.  “Good.  I haven’t slept this great since… Well, I don’t know how long really.”  She proceeded almost at a whisper, her expression darkening, her eyes holding a faraway look.  “I got used to sleeping in a bed alone while Lee was off on business trips or entertaining clients.  I learned to sleep lightly in case something went wrong.”

I cupped her cheek, which seemed to bring her back to the present.  “Well, the good news is that you don’t have anyone to worry about now.  You can sleep soundly.”  I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. “Go get your stuff.”

“You’re wrong, you know.”  She proceeded to open her car door.  “I worry about everyone I care for, Ben.  Especially you.”

Without another word, she shut the door and bounced up her front step before disappearing inside.

When Hannah didn’t return after ten minutes, I went searching for her.

I found her on the living room floor, crumpled and crying, looking broken.

“Hannah!” I rushed to her side.  “What’s wrong?”

“I can’t!  I can’t…
not
go!”

“Not go where, sweetheart?” I pulled her to her feet, hugging her to me.

“They don’t want me at the memorial,” she said, muffled into my chest.

“That’s bullshit!”

She nodded.  “They have no right.”

You’re damn right they don’t!

“What do I do?” she asked.

“You go anyway.” It was that simple, in my opinion.  “I’ll go and I’m sure your parents will come along.  You won’t be alone.  You need this for closure, just like I needed to read those journals.”

She pulled back enough to tilt her head up and look at me.  She shook her head.  “Why am I so weak when it comes to them?”

“You’ve said that a few times before.  What do you mean?”

It hadn’t just been his parents.  She explained that it had been the same with Lee after a while of them being together.

“When we first started dating, I thought it was weird that he let them run his life.  I tried to tell him to grow a pair, but after a few years, I understood him.  What’s worse is that he turned into them after a while, too.”

“So he controlled you?”

“Yeah, but it’s my fault. I allowed it to happen.  The thing about Lee and his family is that they’re a manipulative bunch.  By the time I realized what was happening, it was too late.  I was stuck, couldn’t get out of the cycle.”

As the years rolled on, she found herself giving more of herself to a man that ended up taking and never giving back.  He controlled everything, except for
Cake It Up
.

I confessed to how I felt when Lee’s relatives had come to fetch his stuff and I’d overheard them.  “They had no right to speak to you like that, sweetheart.  It took everything in me not to come down here and tell them off.”

“I’m glad you didn’t.  It would have made everything so much worse.”

“I figured as much.  It’s the only reason why I didn’t.” I rubbed her arms in an up and down motion.

“Can we go?”

“I’ll understand if you want to stay.”

“No!” She was adamant.  “Staying here will drive me crazy.  Plus, I’ll enjoy making you breakfast in the morning in that kitchen of yours.”

“I feel used, but a personal chef is a grand idea.” That got me the desired reaction: a small laugh.  “I could get used to not cooking.”  I bent over and picked up her bag, holding out my hand for her.

“There’s only the issue of payment.” I turned my head to look at her and arched my brow.  “I like to be paid in advance.”  She chased her words with a grin, which I matched.

“I think that can be arranged.”