To Have and to Hold (17 page)

Lois shrugged. ‘All right,’ she said, ‘but why all the secrecy? To be honest, you are a born dancer. I suppose it was all those years at the reels, jigs and hornpipes. Anyway, you know as much as I can teach you now and you can give Paul a run for his money, so why not tell him?’

‘I will, the same time I break the news to his sainted mother at that fancy hotel they are taking us to on New Year’s Eve,’ Carmel said. ‘I would like to see her face when I take to the floor with Paul.’

From the corner, Jane chortled. ‘And so would I.’

‘Maybe we’ll all come and have a peep at the old buzzard
and see how she is taking it?’ Sylvia said.

‘You dare,’ Carmel said, though she was smiling, ‘Anyway, aren’t you both working?’

‘Yeah, worse luck.’

‘Well, I am working all through Christmas and so is Paul,’ Carmel said. She couldn’t wait to get the Christmas festivities out of the way and move on into the year when she would become Paul’s wife. On more that one occasion that autumn, Carmel had come perilously near to losing her virginity and each time they had pulled back just in time, but it had got harder. She was eager for the day when they wouldn’t have to do that and she could give herself totally to Paul.

Paul seldom mentioned relations with his parents to Carmel, but things between he and his mother were still strained. His father was more amenable and accepting of the situation, certainly when he and Paul were alone, but he had seldom stood against his wife where the boys were concerned for he liked a peaceful life.

‘We hardly ever see you these days,’ Emma had complained to Paul in mid-November. It was true: Paul saw his parents only in his rare free time when Carmel was on duty. This is what he told his mother and he saw her lips purse in annoyance.

‘No need to look like that,’ he said sharply. ‘Carmel is my fiancée and it is obvious that I would spend as much time with her as possible.’

‘Well, surely you will have time off at Christmas?’

‘Actually, no, Mother,’ Paul said. ‘It is thoughtless, I know, but you see, people still get sick at Christmas and I have to work, and so does Carmel.’

‘All over the festive season?’ Emma asked plaintively.

‘I am afraid so.’

‘What about the New Year?’ Emma said. ‘Surely if you are giving up the whole of Christmas they won’t expect you to work over the New Year as well?’

‘I…we haven’t been given the roster list for the New Year yet.’

Jeff, watching his son, knew he was lying and later, after a strained meal, when Paul was taking his leave, he went outside with him. Paul threw his leg expertly over the machine his mother hated to think of him riding, much as he tried to point out the practicalities to her.

Jeff said, ‘It would mean a lot to your mother if we got to see you over the New Year.’

‘I know, Dad, but—;’

‘Don’t tell me about the roster, son, because I know that isn’t the truth.’

Paul smiled ruefully. ‘How well you know me,’ he said. ‘The point is, Dad, Mother hates Carmel and you know as well as I do how vindictive she can be when she wants. I don’t want to subject Carmel to that. She doesn’t want to come here and I don’t blame her.’

‘I’m not talking of here,’ Jeff said. ‘The golf club are having their annual bash—dinner and dance, you know—at the Westbury Hotel in town and your mother would love to see you there. Matthew is going too and it would be nice for us all to be together for once.’

‘All right,’ Paul said. ‘All I am agreeing with, mind, is to talk it over with Carmel. I will be guided by her.’

When Paul told Carmel and asked her if she wanted to go, she knew this was her chance to show Paul and, more importantly, his mother how well she could dance in advance of the wedding so she told Paul she would love it.

‘It’s a dinner dance,’ Paul explained, thinking maybe she hadn’t understood.

‘I know.’

‘I mean, you won’t feel awkward?’

‘No, not at all.’

‘You sure?’

‘Quite sure,’ Carmel said firmly. ‘Tell your parents I am looking forward to seeing them there.’

The girls really went to town getting Carmel ready for that most important dance, pooling resources to make her look, as Jane put it, ‘the business’.

Lois was as generous as ever, but she was careful to loan Carmel nothing that her aunt might have seen her wearing. She knew, however, that Emma hadn’t seen the midnight-blue velvet ball gown, which was floor length and had flowing sleeves. When Carmel pulled it over her head and stood before the mirror she couldn’t believe the image looking back at her.

‘Bloody hell!’ Jane exclaimed. ‘Will you just look at yourself? Don’t you just look a million dollars?’

‘God, you will knock them dead tomorrow,’ said Sylvia in agreement. ‘And you flush crimson every time someone gives you any sort of compliment. There will be plenty of those thrown your way, I would have thought, and each blush makes you even more attractive. Paul won’t be able to keep his hands to himself, I should think.’

‘Don’t be silly,’ Carmel said, and she spun around in front of the mirror, feeling the dress swirl about her legs
before saying, ‘Why wouldn’t I blush, listening to the rubbish the pair of you give out? It isn’t me, it is the dress and that really is gorgeous. Are you sure about this, Lois?’

‘Of course I am. Daddy bought me this for the pre-Christmas dance at his firm, when I sort of stand in for my mother, and I know for a fact that none of Paul’s family have seen this dress on me.’

‘It needs something else,’ Jane said with a slight frown. ‘Oh, wait!’ she cried after a moment’s thought. ‘I have just the thing.’ She rummaged in her drawer and found a pair of long white gloves.

‘Where on earth did you get those?’ Lois said with surprise.

‘Where d’you think?’ Jane said. ‘Where we buy everything—the Rag Market.’

‘But why?’ Sylvia asked, perplexed.

Jane shrugged. ‘They were cheap enough and, don’t laugh, but I thought they might come in if I was to net me a toff, like we always reckoned we would. Remember?’

‘I remember,’ Sylva commented wryly, ‘like I remember the only one among us who didn’t want to do that is the one who has done it.’

‘Oh, not that old chestnut again?’ Carmel said. ‘And, anyway, Paul isn’t a toff.’

‘His parents are,’ Jane said. ‘From the way you and Lois described it, there is real money there.’

‘There is,’ Carmel admitted. ‘But that’s hardly his fault.’

‘We’re not saying it’s anyone’s fault,’ Sylvia said. ‘All Jane meant is that after Paul’s parents’ day, all that lovely
lolly will, I should imagine, be divided between him and his brother.’

‘Maybe not,’ Lois said. ‘Maybe Paul’s share will be donated to the local cats’ home because he had the audacity to marry Carmel. Anyway, my aunt and uncle look remarkably healthy to me and are likely to go on for years yet, and this is contributing nothing to Carmel’s outfit.’ She turned to Carmel and asked, ‘Have you something for your neck?’

Camel nodded. ‘The rope of pearls and pearl earrings Paul gave me for Christmas.’

‘Perfect!’ Lois declared. ‘They will look lovely against the blue. Now what about a handbag and shoes…?’

Carmel usually didn’t have a high opinion of how she looked, but as she descended the stairs the following evening, after Sister Magee announced that Dr Connolly was waiting for her, she didn’t need to see the openmouthed appreciation of Paul to know she looked good. The only thing she felt uncomfortable about was the long white gloves. Never in her life had she worn gloves indoors, but Lois assured it they were ‘the icing on the cake’ and what many people would be wearing at such a prestigious do.

She decided to see what Paul’s opinion was. If he said he didn’t like them or that they looked out of place, then she would take them back to the room. But for a while Paul didn’t say anything at all, just stared at her until she cried, ‘Say something, for goodness’ sake? How do I look?’

‘Breathtakingly beautiful,’ Paul said. ‘Lovely. Tremendous. There aren’t the words…’

‘Stop all that blathering nonsense,’ Carmel commanded, though she was smiling, her eyes sparkling. ‘I’ll do then?’

‘Oh, my darling girl,’ Paul cried, catching her by the waist and swinging her around, ‘you’ll more than do.’

‘Even my gloves?’

‘Your gloves?’ Paul repeated, surprised.

‘They don’t look stupid or anything?’

‘Of course not,’ Paul said. ‘Why should they? They make you look sophisticated, if you must know—older, no, not older, more sure of yourself.’

‘They must have tremendous power, those gloves, if they make me look like that,’ Carmel said. ‘For I am not a bit sophisticated and the only thing I am sure of is that I will probably make an utter fool of myself tonight.’

Paul laughed. ‘Of course you won’t, you little goose. Don’t worry, it will be nothing like last time. I will not leave your side all night.’

‘Oh, that will delight your mother and all the other female admirers you seem to have.’

‘They can go to hell, the whole lot of them,’ Paul said with determination. ‘You are the most important person in the world for me, Carmel, and the sooner that is realised, the better it will be for everyone. And now, madam,’ he said in a bantering tone as he took her arm, ‘your carriage awaits.’

‘Then lead on, sir,’ Carmel said, matching his mood, and Paul led her to the waiting taxi.

It was no distance to the Westbury Hotel, but Carmel thought anywhere could seem a distance when the ground crackled with frost, the icy wind would chill a
body in minutes and she was dressed in an evening gown and high-heeled shoes. She was glad that Paul had insisted on coming for her in a taxi.

Paul felt so proud as he escorted Carmel into the foyer of the hotel for that New Year’s Eve ball. There had been a babble of noise for there were a lot of people gathered there, but many of the men grew silent at the entrance of Carmel on Paul’s arm, and Paul saw the envy in their eyes.

Carmel was unaware of the men’s interest in her and instead noticed the wistful glances many girls were throwing at Paul and the looks of jealousy and sometimes sheer dislike when their eyes slid to Carmel.

Jeff came forward smiling, arms outstretched, a look of appreciation on his face, and in his eyes a genuine smile of welcome. He shook hands with Paul and then took Carmel in his arms and kissed her on both cheeks. ‘My word, my dear,’ he said. ‘How wonderful you are looking tonight. You have gladdened many a man’s heart and lightened a room just by entering it.’

Carmel’s cheeks lightly flushed with embarrassment at his words, making her even more entrancing. Matthew was standing behind his father, waiting his turn to greet her, and yet Carmel went into his arms reluctantly. She
didn’t know why it was that she could submit to Jeff’s embrace so readily and yet feel herself stiffen when Matthew touched her. She always felt uneasy being near him.

When she caught sight of Emma, however, Carmel saw that her whole face was filled with malevolence and there was such loathing in the eyes she had fastened on Carmel so fixedly that she was quite shaken. And then Emma came closer and put out her hand as she said in flat, insincere tones, ‘I’m glad you could join us.’

Carmel knew she was not glad at all and any who had watched that exchange and the formal handshake knew that, while the men in the family approved of Paul’s choice, his mother certainly did not. Most would also know who wore the trousers with regards to family matters.

‘Look for high jinks, at the very least,’ one woman said to her companion as the party was being led into the dining room.

The other woman laughed. ‘Oh, yes,’ she agreed. ‘I wouldn’t be totally surprised, though, if the whole thing isn’t called off eventually, despite that ring Paul’s pretty young fiancée is sporting.’

‘Many a slip, so they say.’

‘Indeed, indeed…’

Paul and Carmel, though they hadn’t heard what the women said, knew they would be the subject of some speculation. They had even discussed it. ‘It will be a seven-day wonder or whatever the phrase is,’ Paul had told Carmel. ‘It will be like a baptism of fire, something we have to go through.’

‘I know.’

‘I really can’t understand why people are so interested in one another’s lives,’ Paul continued. ‘I think that they must have too much time on their hands.’

‘I think that too,’ Carmel said. ‘And don’t worry, Paul, with you by my side I can tackle anything.’

That wasn’t exactly true, and Carmel felt so nervous her stomach was churning as she took her place at the table, grateful that Emma hadn’t had a hand in the planning and so she was sitting by Paul. The meal was just as lavish as the one Carmel had endured with Paul’s family, and the array of cutlery and glasses just as confusing. This time, though, Paul was very attentive, showing her what to use so unobtrusively that she began to relax, even though she caught sight of Matthew’s leering and slightly mocking eyes on her. She was able to ignore him enough to make polite conversation with the man to her other side, who seemed to like talking to her a great deal and who a little later described her to his friends as ‘a damned fine filly’.

Carmel didn’t hear him and probably would have found it amusing if she had. Unfortunately for the man, his wife did overhear and didn’t find it the slightest bit amusing.

The diners had reached the coffee stage when they were informed that the band was setting up in the ballroom, if any wanted to make their way there. Carmel caught the look of malice flitting across Emma’s face as she got to her feet. And so, when she reached the ballroom on Paul’s arm to hear ‘The Blue Danube’ playing, knowing Emma was just behind her, it gave her immense satisfaction to say, ‘I love this. Shall we dance?’

Paul stopped, stared at her and repeated, ‘Dance?’

Carmel laughed at the incredulous look on his face. ‘Yes,’ she said. ‘Dance. You know the kind of thing—you sort of move your feet across the floor to the music.’

‘But you can’t dance.’

‘Can’t I?’ Carmel asked, almost coquettishly. ‘Try me.’

Paul, wondering if Carmel was about to make a fool of herself, if she had perhaps drunk deeper of the wine than was sensible, took her in his arms almost gingerly. He soon found that she was a dancer almost in a class of her own and he began to relax and enjoy himself.

As they swept seemingly effortlessly across the room, Carmel feather-light in his arms, Paul asked, ‘How did you learn to dance like this?’

‘The normal way,’ Carmel said. ‘I took lessons.’

Paul shook his head. ‘I know that isn’t true. With the hours and shifts you work it would be impossible to go to a dancing class. You even said as much to me.’

‘Ah, but I didn’t say I went to a dancing class,’ Carmel said with a smile. ‘And I didn’t, of course. Lois taught me. The others helped, but it was mainly Lois.’

‘And you kept it quiet. You little minx.’

‘I wanted to surprise you,’ Carmel said. That wasn’t strictly speaking true, of course. What she had really wanted was to astonish and possibly disturb Paul’s mother, and from the stricken look on Emma’s face she had succeeded. That gave Carmel a feeling of elation and she stored it all away to tell the girls later.

After that, it should have been marvellous, and at first it was just that. Paul did do a few duty dances with others but Carmel wasn’t left sitting alone at those times. She was claimed by many, mostly far worse
dancers than Paul and she had her feet trodden on more than once. Jeff, on the other hand, was surprisingly light on his feet and a good and amusing partner as well. She had just finished dancing with Jeff for the second time when she was approached by Matthew and asked for the next dance in front of both of his parents.

Carmel didn’t know how she could refuse, what excuse she could give, though she saw that Matthew was far from sober and she went into his arms with grave misgivings. She found that he too was a good dancer, despite his inebriated state. She was coping with his nearness, which had previously made her so uncomfortable, when suddenly she felt his hands trailing down her back and across her buttocks.

‘Stop it,’ she hissed in his ear.

‘Stop what?’ Matthew hissed back. ‘Showing a lovely girl how I appreciate her body?’

‘Stop this. You have no right to talk to me or touch me in this way.’

‘Even though you are enjoying it?’ Matthew said, holding her even tighter.

‘I am not enjoying it,’ she said through gritted teeth. And she wasn’t, but she was trapped, especially when she saw Emma’s narrowed eyes fixed on the two of them. How could she stamp on Matthews’s toes or pull herself out of his arms and tell him what she really thought of him here, in this sort of place?

Anyway, she knew he was the type of man who would blame it all on her, say she was asking for, lapping it up. Even if Paul believed her, it would bring about an impossible situation between him and his brother. Though Paul
never spoke of it, Carmel knew she had already caused enough consternation in that family.

So she contented herself with steering Matthew to the opposite side of the dance floor to where his family sat and told herself to put up with it, until the dance was over. When the strains of it eventually drew to a halt, she sighed in thankfulness as she pulled herself away. Before she had reached her seat, Paul came out to claim her on the floor and she went into his arms gratefully.

She said nothing about the way Matthew had danced with her, but resolved to keep out of his way for the rest of the night. She doubted that he would be in any fit state to dance for much longer anyway, for out of the corner of her eye, she saw him watch them morosely for a few minutes and then return to the bar.

She resolved to put Matthew out of her mind and gave herself up to the enjoyment of the dance. Eventually, she was exhausted and hot. Paul steered her to the tables by the terrace, while he fetched her a drink. Sometime earlier, the door had been left ajar and the curtain drawn back to let some air into the room. Paul and Carmel sat and looked out at the stars twinkling in that sharp and clear night, and Carmel thought she had never felt as happy as she was at that moment.

Suddenly the band began playing, ‘Let’s Face the Music and Dance’ for the quickstep. Carmel, who loved the tempo of the dance, was just deciding to get to her feet again when they were approached by a buxom and matronly woman, who had obviously known Paul from infancy and fawned a little over him. She was also interested in Carmel and sat at the table with her while Paul fetched them all more drinks.

When, a little later, the mood changed and the band began playing ‘Rhapsody in Blue’, a slow waltz, the older lady said to Carmel, ‘Would you loan your husband for a little while, my dear? My old duffer of a husband only uses these occasions to get blotto and is in no fit state now to get to his feet. On the other hand, I love to dance, though I believe the tango and quickstep are beyond me now.’

Carmel had no objection. In fact she was quite glad because the unaccustomed drinks had made her quite dizzy. As she watched them take the floor, she slipped out on to the terrace, hoping the night air would clear her head. In the light seeping across from the ballroom she could see the balustrade at the end and, knowing she would see more stars the darker it was, decided to make for there, but had only gone a few paces when she smelled cigarette smoke.

She thought perhaps a courting couple had come out on the terrace for some privacy and was backing into the room again when she felt her hand suddenly grabbed. She gave a little yelp and then she was swung round to face her assailant.

‘Matthew,’ she cried in alarm.

A very drunk Matthew ground out the cigarette he had been smoking beneath his foot and encircled his arms around Carmel almost in one movement, saying as he did so, ‘What’s your little game, eh? So prissy on the dance floor and then slipping out to meet me here?’

‘I didn’t know you were here. I came out for air.’

‘Don’t give me that,’ Matthew said. ‘I had to pass right by your table to reach the door.’

Carmel knew he must have done and yet she hadn’t noticed him.

As she started protesting again, he went on, ‘I always knew that a nurse would be a little goer. It’s a well-known fact, and it is always a good idea for brothers to share things.’ Then his lips were on hers, and his teeth were grinding against hers as he forced her mouth open. She felt his other hand on her breast and for a moment she was frozen in panic. Then white-hot anger surged through her and she fought like a wild cat, raking Matthew’s face with her nails while she struggle to release her lips, and stamping on his toes. Then, finding this was not dislodging him at all, and feeling him rolling one of her nipples between his fingers, she powered her knee into his groin. He let her go with a cry as he fell to his knees and Carmel looked down at him coldly.

‘Do you know something, Matthew Connolly?’ she said. ‘You are not fit to fasten your brother’s shoes. You are nothing to me and never will be. You try anything like this again and I will tell your brother. Let’s see what sort of a man you are then.’

She didn’t wait for Matthew to reply, but after adjusting her clothes she returned to the room to find the dance over and Paul taking the older lady back to her table.

‘Oh, darling,’ he said, catching sight of her. ‘You really are flushed. Are you feeling all right?’

Carmel felt far from all right. Her insides were jumping all over the place. She felt defiled and dirty and her lips were bruised, but she smiled at the concerned face of her beloved Paul and said, ‘Never better, my darling, and longing to dance with you.’

After that she danced every dance with Paul, and was with him as they danced the last waltz and shared the
last kiss of the old year, then another to welcome in 1935. But for her the evening was tainted and spoiled, and although she knew she would regale the girls with the glitz and splendour of it all later, and her satisfaction about getting one over on Emma, she knew she wouldn’t mention any encounters she’d had with Paul’s brother.

Jeff had spent the night in the guest room. The reason was that when he had eventually got to bed that night, tired, replete and not entirely sober, he had been treated to a tirade from Emma about Carmel, and for the life of him he couldn’t see what the girl had done that had caused such vitriolic abuse.

Years of marriage had taught Jeff it was far more sensible to keep quiet and let Emma have her say. That way his path was an easier one to tread. However, alcohol and common sense seldom go hand in hand, and so he tried to say a few words in the girl’s defence. It was a mistake and he realised it as soon as the words were out of his mouth.

The tantrum that his intervention brought on was frightening in its intensity and when he retreated to the guest room, the words Emma flung after him would have shocked a fishwife.

He spent a fitful night, and when he woke the next morning he lay in bed and surveyed the state of his marriage. He didn’t like what he forced himself to see. When he had first got to know Emma, she had been a devastatingly beautiful but spoiled young lady. Little had been
denied her in her life from her doting parents, and she had wanted Jeff and had gone all out to get him. He’d been unable to believe his luck. Her parents had been all for the match too. Jeff was heir to the engineering works that his father owned and they thought he would be able keep their daughter in the manner to which she’d like to become accustomed.

However, Jeff’s father was a drinker and a gambler, and had gambled with the firm’s assets, a fact that Jeff hadn’t been aware of straight away, so that by the time he had married Emma the receivers were panting at the door.

Neither Emma nor her parents ever knew how bad things were and how hard Jeff had toiled, not only to save the firm but to turn it round. It had worked, but it had taken its toll on him. Jeff had adored Emma as much as her parents had, and had given in to anything she wanted, both because he wanted to please her and because he was often too bone weary, with the crippling hours he was having to work, to argue with her.