To Live Again (16 page)

The aisle after that was…

Whoa.

I gulped as we turned down the aisle, and suddenly, instead of being surrounded by plastic dicks or gaudy DVD covers, we were in a jungle of stainless steel and black leather.

Floggers. Harnesses. Whips. Spreader bars. Cuffs. Paddles. Ball gags. Why were ball gags always red? I swore, every one I’d ever seen—in real life or in a porno—was red for some reason. As if they—

Something jingled, shaking me out of my feeble attempt to distract myself, and I turned to see Sailo pulling a long black whip off the rack.

My tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth as he ran his fingers along the braided leather.

Then his eyes flicked up and met mine.

“What do you think?” He held it up, grinning wickedly. “Ever tried something like this?”

“Um…” The truth was, I’d never given much thought to anything kinky besides the occasional playful swat on the ass or hands loosely tied to a bed frame. Now that I was diving headlong into sex with a man, I was suddenly curious about
everything
. What would it be like to use some of these toys?

What
would
it be like to bring something like that long, coiled whip into one of our bedrooms?

“Well.” I coughed to get the air moving. “That might be a bit much, but…” I gestured at some of the other implements. “Maybe someday?”

He smiled and hung the whip back up. “Actually, I think that would be a bit much for me too. Some of these, though…”

“Maybe. They’re certainly, uh, interesting.”

He glanced at me and seemed to pick up on my nerves. Stepping away from the rack, he said, “We don’t have to get anything tonight. It’ll all still be here.” He winked. “We can always come back if we want something.”

I nodded, and as we continued down the leather-and-metal aisle, added, “Maybe they’re one of the shops that does home delivery.”

Sailo halted. “Wait, that’s a thing?”

“Mmhmm. I, uh, had a few things delivered from The Oh Zone. When I was trying to figure out if I really wanted to bottom.”

“Smart man. And what a genius idea. Sex toys delivered right to your door. Why aren’t more people doing this?”

“I don’t know, but they must be making a fucking mint.”

“No kidding.” He put his hand on my back and kissed me softly. “Well, if we get really adventurous one night, we can either come back here or order something.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“Want to head out for now?”

I nodded. As fun as it was to fantasize about the things we could do, I decided I was ready to get out of here for the moment. As he said, it would still be here. We could always come back.

For now…air.

We stepped out of the sex shop, and I took in a deep breath of air that didn’t taste like leather and a few flavors of lube. What the hell was wrong with me? I’d been in sex shops before.

Never with a man, though.

But as much as I’d had sex with him, it shouldn’t have bothered me to—

“You okay?” Sailo touched my arm.

“Yeah.” I gestured over my shoulder and forced a laugh. “I, uh…haven’t been into one of those places in a while.”

He smiled warmly. “Well, if you want to get desensitized to them, we can go back
any
time.”

I studied him and smirked. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to subtly encourage me to come back so we could make a few purchases.”

He shrugged. “I don’t know about subtly, but okay.”

We both laughed. Then we continued up the gently sloping sidewalk. As we walked down Pike, strolling past bars and bistros and wandering across the occasional rainbow-painted crosswalk, I didn’t feel conspicuous in the slightest. There were other same-sex couples out here, and no one gave us a second look like they would’ve in other parts of Seattle.

And it was funny—after going into a sex shop together, I was certainly turned on, but not so much that I needed to drag him down on the nearest flat surface. Oh, we’d definitely have sex again soon, but for now, I was content just to walk beside him. Maybe someday, I’d even work up the courage to hold his hand or put and arm around him—things I’d never think twice about with a woman—but I couldn’t complain about this.

So I didn’t. I just walked alongside Sailo and enjoyed every second.

* * * * *

Eventually, we made our way to his apartment. It wasn’t far from where we’d had dinner, so it would only be a short walk back to my car.

As we strolled into the parking lot, a mix of disappointment and giddiness swept through me. Yeah, I was a little bummed that the evening was coming to a close. But at the same time, I was thrilled about the evening we’d had. It had been relaxed and fun, and I hadn’t even thought about my divorce all night. I hadn’t once thumbed the place where my wedding ring used to be. And even thinking about it now, my mood didn’t dim.

I felt better tonight than I had in ages. We’d had a lovely dinner. We’d goofed off in a sex shop.

For tonight, it had just been us. Just Sailo and me, without all the baggage and drama I’d been dragging around recently. We’d strolled through Capitol Hill, two guys out together—in more ways than one—with nowhere to be except wherever we were at that moment.

At the entrance to his building, we stopped.

“Well.” He smiled. “I guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

I nodded. “Looking forward to it.”

We held eye contact. I resisted the urge to rock from my heels to the balls of my feet, not sure what was prompting this sudden nervous energy.

Then Sailo glanced around us before meeting my gaze with uncharacteristic shyness. “I know we’re kind of out in public, but…” He lifted his eyebrows.

“Aside from you, there’s no one around whose opinion I care about.” With that, I pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “You’ve been so amazing through all this. I’m sure it’s not easy being with someone who’s dealing with a divorce, and kids, and…”

“It’s okay.” He rested his forearms on my shoulders and held my gaze. “Everything you’re going through is hard. Being with you?” He smiled as he shook his head. “That part
is
easy.”

“Are you sure? Even with—”

“Yes.” He grinned, gently cupped both sides of my neck, and kissed me again. “Everyone’s going through something. I like being with you. The fact that you’re dealing with a divorce doesn’t change that.”

“But if it does, or you get sick of hearing about my latest chaos, just say so.”

“I will. Promise.” He kissed me once more, then drew back a little, and his smile fell. “It’s getting late. I guess I should let you go, since you have to be up early tomorrow.”

“I know.” I touched his face. “I wish I didn’t, though.”

“Me too.”

“A few more minutes won’t kill me.”

His smile came back to life in one of those grins that weakened my knees. “You know a few more minutes is going to turn into…longer than that, right?”

“I’m willing to risk it.”

“Do you want to stay longer?”

I hesitated. I was already getting into that window where every half hour I stayed awake was going to be costly tomorrow. But I could also be in bed with Sailo, his warm body against mine, our legs tangled beneath the sheets.

“Yeah.” I grinned. “I can stay a little longer.”

“Good.”

“And I want tonight to be about you. Anything you want.”

He grinned. “Well, there is one thing I want tonight.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmhmm.” He pulled me closer, and just before our lips met, he whispered, “You.”

Chapter Twenty

Okay, so maybe I should’ve left Sailo’s a little earlier than I did. Sitting at my desk the next morning, with three hours of sleep to my name, I was a fucking wreck. During my college years, I could handle that, but now? Not so much. Oops.

But was it worth it?

My body still ached, and I swore I could still feel his lips and goatee tickling my neck while we’d fucked just
one
more time before I’d left. Despite the fatigue, I grinned to myself as I reached for my coffee.

Oh yeah. It was worth it. And hell, I was getting used to working on less sleep than I needed. My coworkers didn’t seem to notice. My work wasn’t suffering. As long as I wasn’t dozing off during meetings or fucking up paperwork, well, the only harm was a little extra yawning throughout the day. Totally worth it.

As I always did, I made it through the day, still functioning and still grinning like an idiot. Counting down the minutes until I saw Sailo again? Absolutely.

I was on my way home when my phone buzzed. Traffic wasn’t moving, so I quickly glanced at the message. It was from Becky.

Have some papers from atty’s office—come by or I can mail?

It was tempting to have her mail them. One less awkward face-to-face encounter. On the other hand, if I went over and dealt with it now, that would take us one step closer to things being finalized and over with. The sooner this was all over and behind me, the better.

I waited until I was home to text her and let her know I’d be there shortly. After a quick cup of coffee to wake myself up—
still worth it
—I drove the familiar route to the street I used to live on.

It was still weird and a little painful coming back to this place, but it was getting easier. The further I moved on, the more time I spent with Sailo and the new life that was feeling more like mine every day, the less I struggled to accept that this chapter was over.

I parked in the driveway and walked up to the front door. Before I could knock, Becky opened it.

Our eyes met, but only for a second. She stood aside and gestured for me to come in. “It’s in the dining room.”

“Okay.” I ignored the unfamiliar jacket hanging by the door, and the hiking boots next to the Birkenstocks. She was moving on. That was good. So was I. Without saying a word about him, I followed her into the other room.

“Sorry to have you come over for something this small.” She pulled the papers out of a manila envelope. “We both forgot to sign one of the pages, and my attorney said it would delay things if we sent it in like this.”

“No problem.”

She set the page on the table. Sure enough, two blank lines were marked with bright yellow sticky notes. She’d signed one already, and handed me a pen to fill in the other.

I uncapped the pen. “Not sure how we missed that, but glad he caught it.”

“Yeah, he’s pretty thorough.”

“He is. Nice guy too,” I said as I scrawled my signature across the highlighted blank. “Doesn’t seem like the snakey lawyer type.”

“No, he’s not. That’s exactly why Jase recommended him.”

I tilted my head. “Jase?”

“Yeah, my—” She stopped abruptly and swallowed. “The, um, the man I’ve been seeing. Recently. Since you left.”

Since I
left
? Since you kicked me out.

I capped the pen and set it on the form. “Anyway, I’m glad he caught it. Do you need me to take a copy to my lawyer?”

She shook her head. “He said he’ll send it over once we took care of this.”

“Great. Perfect.” I chewed my lip. “Well, I should go.”

“Right. Um. Thanks for coming by. I’ll take it to his office first thing in the morning.”

“Okay. I’ll see you later, then.”

With my ex-wife on my heels, I headed out. The jacket by the door, the Birkenstocks, the hiking boots—they were more conspicuous now. Throbbing at the edges of my peripheral vision, needling me and demanding that I turn and
fucking look at them
.

I kept my gaze forward, though, and got the hell out of there. On the porch, we exchanged quiet good-byes without eye contact, without touching. Then I walked away as she closed the door behind me. I got in my car, relieved that the awkwardness was over, but as I drove away, that taut, uncomfortable feeling—the one that usually followed me
to
my old house—set up shop in the middle of my chest.

Her
boyfriend
recommended her attorney?

My stomach tied itself in knots. Becky’d mentioned this attorney the day she’d told me we were getting a divorce. But she’d never mentioned this Jase. Not as a coworker. Not as a friend or a neighbor or some guy she knew from the gym. But they’d been close enough for him to recommend a lawyer before I even knew we were getting divorced?

I shifted uncomfortably. The pieces were falling into place whether I liked it or not. Mentally, I tried to push them apart, but it didn’t work.

The man living in my old house wasn’t a new addition like Sailo.

My wife cheated on me.

And as those pieces cemented themselves to each other, and the truth could no longer be denied, more questions emerged.

How long had it been going on? Was he the only one?

Did the kids know?

God,
please
, tell me the kids don’t know.

No. She wouldn’t have let the kids find out. She’d done a damn fine job keeping it away from me, and she wouldn’t have been careless where they were concerned.

Oh, but now I knew. And holy shit, it hurt. Moving on had been difficult, but now it was like being dumped all over again. As if we were back to that moment when she’d said the words that threw my life off-kilter, only this time, there was someone standing behind her. A quiet, male presence. A reassuring hand on her shoulder while there was none on mine. Everything she said suddenly had new meaning.

“I want a divorce…so he and I can start our life together.”

“I’d like you to move out…so he can move in.”

“It’s over, and it’s been over for a long time…and you’ve already been replaced.”

Wow. I laughed bitterly into the silence of my car. And I’d felt guilty about hooking up with Sailo so close on the heels of the divorce. Jesus Christ. At least I’d waited until we’d signed the papers, even if the ink wasn’t dry yet.

At the end of our—her—road, I pulled over and put the car in park. Swearing into the silence, I rubbed my hands over my face. It was like the moment she’d pulled the rug out from under me in the first place. Suddenly I was running through the last twenty-five years, searching for signs and writing I should’ve seen on the wall. Was I blind? Stupid? Oblivious?

Not that it mattered. The divorce was still happening regardless of what had led up to it. In theory, I could bring this to my attorney and use it as leverage to get more from the divorce, but why? What would really be gained? The divorce would drag on longer. The bitterness would run deeper. The kids would probably find out, and they didn’t need that.

So I’d let it go. I wouldn’t bring it up to Becky. I wouldn’t put this out there where the kids would find it. I’d tuck it into the bitter recesses of my memory, put it behind me, and just remind myself that the divorce was, in fact, for the better.

But goddamn, I wasn’t happy about it.

Cursing under my breath, I shifted back into drive, pulled onto the road, and continued toward home as home faded in the rearview.