To Love and Protect (26 page)

"I'll get my gloves ready," Shelley said in an unconvincingly threatening tone of voice.

"I'm rooting for you, Shelley," Emily laughed.

"Who's going to help you out when you get home?" Matt's sister-in-law, Nicole, asked.

"We're going to stay a few more days just to make sure everything's okay," Emily said.

Shelley could tell by Matt's exasperated look that he wished otherwise. She knew how much he loved his family, but she also knew how much he treasured his independence. It was something they had in common.

"You don't have to do that, you know," he protested mildly.

"Matt, you know it's useless arguing with your mother," Ralph said, as though he had been on the receiving end of her "help" many times before. "Don't worry − we won't get in your way. Your mother just wants to make chicken soup for you for a few days. You know how it is."

Matt grinned. "I think I do."

"Carly will be glad to go back home, that's for sure," Sergeant Rinaldi said. "That's another thing you can look forward to."

"I am. In fact, I figure we'll be back patrolling together next week sometime and−"

"Next week!" Sergeant Rinaldi exclaimed. "Now hold your horses there, boy!"

"He's not very good at that," Shelley said. "Ask Mutt."

Matt laughed. "Never mind," he said to the numerous inquisitive looks. "It's a long story."

"The doctor said three weeks recovery time," Sergeant Rinaldi explained.  "That means sitting on the couch eating bon-bons and listening to the birds sing. That's all. Got it? Don't worry, your job will be waiting for you when you get back."

Shelley felt her stomach knot up. It was an uneasiness that just wouldn't go away. She had been there for Matt all week, encouraging him, helping him, listening to him, just being close to him. But in the back of her mind, another voice was creeping towards the forefront. It was the voice of fear, asking her once again how much longer she could stay in a situation that would only cause her endless anxiety and grief. Even if nothing bad ever happened to Matt again, could she ever truly stop
expecting
something tragic, day after day? And more importantly, could she simply even live that way? What kind of life would she have if she was always wondering whether she would see Matt again after kissing him goodbye in the morning? Wasn't that her last memory of Ted?

"You look a million miles away," Emily said as she put her arm around Shelley's shoulder. "I imagine this past week must have been pretty overwhelming for you."

"I guess it has been. At least the worst is over."

But was it really?

Later that day, after seeing Matt home and leaving him under the too-watchful care of his mother, Shelley stopped over Diana's.

"What do I do?" she asked, appealing to her sister for advice. "I just don't know if I can live this way."

"What way? Being crazy about someone who makes you happy?"

"That's only half the equation.
That
I can live with. What I can't live with is this constant feeling that something bad is going to happen to him. Look at this past week. It's really a miracle that he's even alive."

Diana sat beside Shelley and hugged her. "I wish I knew what to tell you. Only you know what you can and can't live with. I guess you have to decide whether you're happier with him or without him − anxiety and all."

Shelley nodded. "I just feel right now that I can't make that decision. For one thing, Matt just got back from the hospital. I don't want to cause any more emotional upset after what he's been through."

"Maybe you can tell him that you just need some time to think about things. That's the truth, isn't it?"

"I suppose it is."

Shelley drove home numbly, her emotions in flux. When Matt called her the next night, she immediately sensed concern in his voice. "I kind of thought you'd be stopping by after work," he said quietly.

"I was going to, but I know your parents want to spend time with you and everything."

"Sure, but that doesn't mean I don't want to see you, too. Believe me, I love my parents, but I'd rather you were the one staying with me right now."

Shelley buried her head in her hands and closed her eyes. "When are they leaving?"

"The day after tomorrow. I think my mom has finally accepted the fact that I can get around fine on my own. The last thing I'm going to do is just lie around in bed feeling worse."

"I hope you're not back to jogging yet."

"I figure I will be by Friday."

Shelley sighed. "I was only kidding! I can't believe you're pushing yourself so much."

"You'd be doing the same, and you know it."

Unfortunately he was right. But she wasn't about to admit that.

"So when am I going to see you again?"

"I don't know. I’m pretty busy at the clinic."

"You're
always
busy at the clinic. But that never stopped you from seeing me before. Sounds to me like you're looking for an excuse not to come by."

Please, Matt, Shelley thought. Don't make this harder than it already is …

"Well?" he asked impatiently.

"Matt," Shelley began, realizing she had to be honest with him. He deserved at least that. "I
need some time to think about things." As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she wondered what she had just done. Would he ever understand? Or did she just ruin things indefinitely?

"If that's the way you feel then," he said, his voice barely registering.

"It's not that I don't love you. I
do
love you − so much. That's why I just don't know if I can stay with you and get closer to you, if one day it's all going to end."

"Shelley,
everything
ends at some point or other."

"But not everything ends prematurely. And in just the month or so that I've known you, you've barely missed being shot once, you came close a second time except the bullet went into the guy you were holding instead of you, and I don't think I have to go over the latest incident."

"I'm a police officer. This is what I do."

"I know that. And I'm telling you that I don't think I can be in a situation like this. Not again."

"Well, if you decide you want to talk to me again, you know where I'll be," Matt finally said after nearly a minute of silence had elapsed.

The phone went dead before Shelley could respond. She curled up on the couch to cry as Toodles hopped in her lap to comfort her.
What did I just
do?
she wondered. And yet, deep down, she knew her decision was inevitable. Since Matt's shooting a week ago, she had barely had a full meal. The stress and anxiety was just too much for her handle. She was concerned more than anything about Matt's health and well-being, but at the same time, she realized it couldn't be at the sacrifice of her own.  No one would win in that situation – her life would be a fraction of what it once was … and she would no longer be the same woman that Matt had fallen in love with.

Matt hung up the phone and stared at it for several moments, then turned away. He was more numb than surprised. For hadn't he seen this moment coming from the day he had met Shelley? Her fear had come true. He had been shot, and though he survived, the wound created was far too deep for there to ever be a full recovery. His body would heal, but he wasn't concerned about that. Because the open sore that had defined the doubts about their relationship had only deepened, and there simply was no cure.

So, yes, Shelley had her fears, but he had a few of his own. Not about bullets or bandits or any other job-related dangers. Was he concerned about his safety in certain situations? Sure. But he was immune to the biting tentacles of fear because he was in control of his actions and he knew how to think on his feet. No − his fear was that Shelley would never fully accept the implications of his job as a police officer. He saw it in her eyes when she had first spotted his badge that morning in the treatment room with Carly. Saw it in her eyes every time since. So in a way, this moment was inevitable. He carefully slid back on the couch, wincing as new scar tissue tugged at the seams of his skin. Somehow knowing that it was meant to be this way did little to anesthetize the sting to his heart. He had never felt about another woman the way he felt about Shelley. But it couldn't have lasted. Not this way, at least. Not with Shelley looking over her shoulder every time he left for work, and he looking over his own shoulder at her every reaction.

He loved her. That much he knew. Loved her boundless compassion for all living things, her beautiful sea green eyes, her warm, easy smile, even her mile-long stubborn streak. And he would always love her. But he had to let her go. What once had the potential to be beautiful between them would only become toxic. He couldn't give up police work − not without being miserable and eventually resentful − and she couldn't let go of her darkest fear that one day he would leave for work and never come back.

What was that saying, he reminded himself?

If you
love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours; if they don't they never were.

He shook his head. Another one of those damn, silly greeting-card sentiments. But, oh, how it rang true now.

FOURTEEN

The next morning, as she started out the door to work, Shelley spotted a police car pulling into her driveway. Her stomach fluttered. Was Matt back on patrol already? But what struck her most was how the spontaneous thought of seeing Matt again had lit up her whole being with a jolt. Her feelings for him certainly hadn't diminished. If anything, they had only intensified with her longing.

"Morning, Shelley," Sergeant Rinaldi said as he stepped out of his car. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're disappointed to see me."

Shelley smiled wearily. "Of course not, Dan. I was just surprised to see a police car coming down my driveway, that's all."

"Thought I was Matt, didn't you."

Shelley wanted to reply, but no words seemed appropriate at the moment.

"I stopped by to see him last night," Sergeant Rinaldi continued. "He told me how you decided you don't want to see him anymore."

"I never said it that way."

"What way did you say it? Maybe it's none of my business, but Matt thinks you're through with him."

"I told him I needed more time to think things through."

"How much time does it take to realize you really care about someone?"

"You don't understand. Of course I care about Matt. I don't need time to convince myself of that. But I don't think I can be seriously involved with another police officer." She paused, growing more frustrated in the realization that no one seemed to fathom her anguish. "Is it really that hard to understand, especially after what happened to Ted?"

Sergeant Rinaldi was silent for a moment. "No, of course not, Shelley. And I'm sorry if it seems like I came by here to pass judgment on you, because that's definitely not what I intended to do. It's just such a shame, that's all. I don't like all that many people you know..."

Shelley smirked, knowing well that his bark was worse than his bite.

"But I'm mighty fond of both you and Matt. And to know that you both care about each other, but you're not together. I don't know. It makes about as much sense as a bull with an udder."

"Can't you assign Matt to a desk job or something?" she asked, only half-kidding.