To Love Anew (31 page)

Lydia stepped into the room. “Ye’ll make a beautiful bride.” She crossed to the gown and lifted it off the rack. Draping the dress over one arm, she moved to Hannah and held it up to her. “The color is perfect.”

“Do you think John will like it?”

“I doubt he’ll be able to keep his eyes off ye.” Lydia returned the gown to its stand. “Ye nervous?”

Hannah nodded. “I don’t know what kind of wife I’ll be. What if I’m terrible at it?”

“Of course ye won’t be. Ye can cook and clean and ye love him, right?”

“I do.”

“Then ye’ve nothing to worry ’bout.”

“I can’t wait to be his wife and at the same time I’m frightened.”

Lydia grinned. “Then I’d say yer like most brides.”

Hannah touched her mother’s necklace. She’d worn it every day since her death.
I wish she were here.
An ache swelled at the base of her throat. “I miss my mum. She should be here.”

Lydia put an arm over Hannah’s shoulders and squeezed gently. “She’s here in yer heart. From what ye’ve told me ye have fine memories.”

“I do. But it’s not the same.”

“Course not.” Lydia hugged her. “Nothing will be the same now. Not even for me. This little place will feel big without ye sharing it with me. I’ll miss ye.”

Hannah had to smile. “We’ll see each other nearly every day. I’m still working here.”

Lydia’s eyes shimmered. “Right. I’m being silly.” She blinked away tears. “I’m happy for ye.” Her expression turned tender. “It’s just that we’ve shared so much, the two of us.”

“That we have.”

Lydia glanced out the window. “I suppose I ought to go. Perry’s waiting for me.” She let out a sigh. “I don’t know that I ought to see him anymore. I like him well enough, but not the way he wants me to.”

“He loves you.”

“I know. But I don’t love him, anyway not the way he needs me to. He’s a fine man, but . . . I want to feel about someone the way ye do ’bout John.”

“You’ll find the right man some day.” Hannah hugged Lydia. “But you should be honest with Perry. Let him know how you truly feel.”

A knock sounded at the front of the cottage.

“Now who might that be?” Lydia moved to the door and opened it to Mrs. Atherton. “Good day, mum.”

She greeted Lydia and then her eyes settled on Hannah. “I was hoping to have a word with you, dear.”

“Certainly. Please come in.”

“I’m looking forward to seeing you in your gown tomorrow. I’m sure you’ll be absolutely stunning.”

“Only because of your generosity. I never dreamed of wearing something so elegant on my wedding day. Again, thank you.”

“You’re quite welcome. I’d say you’ve a right to it. Especially after all the dresses you’ve made for others.” She glanced at Lydia and then back at Hannah. “Would it be possible for us to speak privately?”

Lydia moved to the door. “I’ll be on me way. I’m supposed to meet Perry.” She stepped outside.

Mrs. Atherton moved to the tiny table in the kitchen and sat down. She clasped her hands in front of her. “Please do sit, dear.”

Hannah couldn’t imagine what her mistress wanted to speak with her about, unless she felt a responsibility to offer advice to a young bride. She sat across from her. “If you’re here to tell me about the ways of husbands and wives, I already know
too
much about that.”

“I do have something to say about it.” She smiled. “But I doubt you know much in regards to it at all. The intimate bond between a man and woman is not what you’ve experienced. When two people love each other the way you and John do, the union is much more than physical. Although that part of it is a blessing and it can sometimes be bliss. It’s not at all ugly. And it’s my prayer that what’s been perpetrated against you will not spoil what ought to exist between you and your husband.”

“I pray not. I must admit to being afraid. But not about what you might think.” Hannah clasped and unclasped her hands. “What if John should realize . . . that I’ve been defiled? What shall I do?”

“You’ve not told him, then?”

“No.”

“It would be best if you did. There should be nothing hidden to cast darkness upon your marriage.”

“I couldn’t bring myself to tell him. I’m afraid.”

Mrs. Atherton reached across the table and grasped Hannah’s hands. “I’m certain you’ve no need to fear. John is a fine man. And he loves you deeply. Go to him. Tell him.”

The thought of it made Hannah’s stomach do flips. “You’re certain he’ll understand?”

“I am.”

Hannah didn’t want to think about it. She’d made up her mind not to tell him. He’d never have to know. God loved her no matter what had happened. He’d forgiven her. Isn’t that all that mattered?

“Not telling him would be deception.”

“Why must I? I’ve told no one but you.”

“You’ve said nothing to anyone else?”

“Lydia knows about Judge Walker and she helped bring the child into the world. But I didn’t tell her that I asked God to take the baby from me.”

Sadness and concern touched Mrs. Atherton’s eyes.

“God has forgiven me,” Hannah said. “It was a horrible sin, but I understand now that I’ve been rescued from my offenses by my Lord.” She looked straight at her mistress. “I don’t want anyone else to know. They may not be as forgiving as you or my heavenly Father.”

“It’s your decision, of course. Either way, I’m sure you and John will find happiness. And there will be more children.”

Mrs. Atherton reached into her reticule. “There is another reason I’ve come.” She withdrew a document and extended it to Hannah. “This is yours.”

Hannah stared at the paper. “What is it?”

“Read it.” Mrs. Atherton smiled slightly as if holding on to a pleasant secret.

Hannah unfolded the official-looking paper. She scanned it and then sucked in a breath. She looked up at Mrs. Atherton. “My freedom? You and Mr. Atherton have given me my freedom?”

“Yes, we have. We want you and John to begin life together without encumbrances.”

Hannah read the document again. “How shall I ever repay you?”

“You’re dear to me, Hannah. Just remain as good-hearted as you are.”

Remembering what Mrs. Atherton had said about the women in the prisons being like daughters to her, Hannah thought she understood why she had done this kindness. Her heart swelled with gratitude and devotion. She stood and reached across to Mrs. Atherton, hugging her. “I shall be forever grateful.”

Smiling kindly, Mrs. Atherton gently pressed her hands against Hannah’s cheeks and kissed her forehead. “I’ll pray for you.” She moved to the door. “If you need me, I’ll be up quite late.”

With her document of freedom pressed against her chest, Hannah closed her eyes and focused on slowing her breathing.

Her stomach churned. Her emotions were a jumble. She was ecstatic about being free and at the same time terrified, because she knew she must tell John about her past.

He’ll understand. He loves me
, Hannah told herself as she walked toward John’s cottage.

She approached the front door. Tomorrow this would be her home too. She liked the cottage. It was small, but she was used to that. She’d already planned on some of the flowers she would plant in the front and had looked at drapery material at the mercantile. She’d start with the front windows first.

At the foot of the porch, Hannah stopped. What if John rejected her? Her plans and her heart would be shattered. She didn’t know if she could bear to lose all that she’d hoped and prayed for. For so long she’d given up on ever having a husband or a family. To lose the dream now would be a profound and unbearable sorrow. At the thought, a spasm of pain burrowed into her chest. She felt the sting of unshed tears.

Taking a deep breath, she thought,
You must compose yourself.
Trust the Lord. He is with you.

With trepidation, she made her way up the steps. So beset by thoughts of what she must do, Hannah had forgotten the document in her hand. She stared at the door. Tomorrow was supposed to be a glorious day. Was she about to ruin it? Ruin everything?

Perhaps I should wait. God sees me as pure, so what does it
matter?
She lifted her hand and knocked.

A moment later, John opened the door. “Hannah. This is a pleasant surprise.” He stood in the doorway. “What is it? Something’s wrong.”

“No. Nothing’s wrong.” She searched for the right words to say, but all she could think of was that when he knew he’d see her as contemptible. “Everything is right,” she finally said, holding out the document proclaiming her freedom. “I’m free—no longer a prisoner. It’s incredible! Utterly unbelievable! We’re both free!”

John looked at the paper. “This is astonishing.” He smiled broadly and pulled Hannah into a jubilant embrace. “My life is full to overflowing.”

“Yes. It’s wonderful good news.”

A shadow touched John’s eyes. “I asked Mr. Atherton to rescind my pardon.”

“No.”

“Don’t worry yourself. He refused. He and Mrs. Atherton want us to begin our lives anew without burdens.” Hannah smiled up at him. “God has blessed us.” She withdrew a step and wet her lips. She needed to tell him. No need to put it off longer.

“There’s something else I wanted to speak with you about.” She moved down the steps. “Perhaps we can walk. I don’t think it appropriate for me to go inside with you.”

“Of course.” John closed the door and joined Hannah. He took her hand and the two strolled toward the river.

“There’s something about me that you need to know,” Hannah said softly.

“I know all I need to,” John said, pulling her into his arms and smiling down at her. “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted.”

Hannah took a deep breath. “I love you, John, but there is something more . . . I’m not the person you think I am. And when I’m finished, you may change your mind about marrying me.” “It’s not possible.” Hannah couldn’t keep from trembling. She gazed into John’s trusting eyes. She imagined the hurt and disgust she would see in them when he learned the truth. “There are things that have happened to me—ugly things . . . ” Hannah felt dizzy and nearly fell. She grasped his arm.

“Hannah, are you all right?”

She tried to clear her thoughts.

“Luv, if what you have to say is so distressing to you, please don’t say it. Nothing you can tell me will change how I feel about you.”

Hannah pressed her hands against his chest. “But I must tell you.”

“What I know is that I love you and that you love me. Have your feelings changed?”

“No. I do love you. I always will.”

John’s hazel eyes searched Hannah’s. “That’s all that matters to me. We’re free to do with our lives whatever we wish. We can begin again, together. It will be splendid, just the two of us.” He smiled down at Hannah and enveloped her in his arms.

Resting her cheek against his chest, she could feel the thump of his heart. Not so long ago her life had been in ruins. Now it was complete. There was no need to tell him about her past. He’d said it didn’t matter. What good could come of telling him now?

She looked up at him. “I can scarcely wait for our wedding.” John kissed the top of her head and then gently pressed his lips to hers. “Tomorrow my life will truly begin.”

Hannah remained in his arms.

“We can do anything we want,” John said. He looked out across an open field. “We might even have our own farm. We could grow wheat. Or we could have a station and raise sheep.” He smiled. “How would you like that?”

“It would be splendid.”

He stepped away from Hannah but kept hold of her hands. “Shall we discuss our life together, then?”

“By all means.”

Bonnie Leon
dabbled in writing for many years but never set it in a place of priority until an accident in 1991 left her unable to work. She is now the author of several historical fiction series, including the Queensland Chronicles, the Matanuska series, the Sowers Trilogy, and the Northern Lights series. She also stays busy teaching women’s Bible studies, speaking, and teaching at writing seminars and conventions. Bonnie and her husband, Greg, live in Glide, Oregon. They have three grown children and four grandchildren. Visit Bonnie’s website at
www.bonnieleon.com
.

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