To Love (7 page)

Kelsey breathed in and out to calm her nerves. Wiping her brow, she climbed out of bed. But as soon as her feet touched the ground, she felt the same pain again, the one she’d had in the nightmare in which someone had stabbed her in the stomach. Unless it hadn't been a dream. In sudden panic, she grabbed her stomach.
Oh God. No. Please no.

Just as she sent up that little prayer, she felt the dampness on the sheets under her and looked down in horror. She couldn’t see much through the darkness, but switching on the night light confirmed her fears. She was bleeding.

Not knowing what else to do, she picked up her phone from the bedside table and called Maeve, who sounded annoyed. "It better be good...your reason for calling."

"The baby." Kelsey’s heart raced. "I think something happened. I'm bleeding."

"Stay put. I'll be there in ten minutes. I'll bring my doctor with. Don't panic. It could be nothing." The phone went dead.

Less than ten minutes later, Maeve arrived, followed by a bald man Kelsey remembered seeing at Brian and Sarah's Christmas party the year before.

After a quick exam, he delivered the news in a gentle, serious tone. Kelsey had lost her baby.

"I'm so sorry," Maeve said after the doctor left. Kelsey was crying softly, grieving for the life that never had a chance to live. "Maybe it's a good thing you didn't tell Shaun about the baby yet."

"Maybe." Kelsey dabbed at her cheeks with a tissue. The pregnancy might have been short-lived, but it had changed everything for her. It made her think about where she was headed, and whether, after all that had happened, she could still see Shaun in her future. She needed time to heal now, to really think.

The escape she needed came two days later, in the form of a phone call at one a.m.

"Come home, Kelsey," Maria, the longtime housekeeper, pleaded with her. "Your father had a heart attack."

A panic like Kelsey had never known before chained her to the spot. She couldn't move, couldn't speak. When she recovered from the shock, she tossed clothes into a bag without folding them and practically ran to the car. She was about to get in when something occurred to her.

She went next door and knocked on Shaun's door.

He opened it with a smile spreading across his face. A flicker of hope.

"I need to go away for a while," Kelsey said before he could open his mouth. "My father had a heart attack."

Shaun pulled Kelsey into a warm hug. "I'm sorry, Kelsey. I'm so sorry."

Kelsey swallowed the lump in her throat and stepped back. "Thank you." She managed a bitter smile. "I don't know how long I'll be gone. We should talk when I get back."

Shaun nodded and pushed his hands into the pockets of his pajamas. "Please keep me updated on how your father's doing."

"Okay." Kelsey turned to leave. Somehow she felt this was a goodbye without words.

Next, Kelsey dropped by Brian and Sarah's and told them in as few words as possible what had happened. She also promised them she would return, even leaving money for the next month's rent.

Kelsey's heart thumped as she entered her father’s house with her own key. The drive to Saulery had felt like a trip around the world, and had left Kelsey exhausted with nothing but her terrified thoughts for company.

She found Maria sitting in the kitchen, her eyes red and swollen, her hair a broken nest on top of her head. The Maria Kelsey had left behind not so long ago had constantly worn a smile. Now she looked much older than her fifty-eight years.

"Where is he?" Kelsey asked as they hugged.

"At the hospital."

"Let's go and see him."

"It's too late. Visiting hours are between two and six. We can only go tomorrow."

"How bad is it?"

Maria sat back down. "The doctor said we'd know more in the morning."

Kelsey shook her head. "What happened?"

It was no surprise that her father had been in his home office when it happened. He spent most of his time there. Maria didn't know why or how it had happened, so Kelsey went to his office, hoping to find the answers Maria couldn't give. She sank into his leather seat and tried to think about what he might have been doing before the attack. Had he been upset? She eyed the phone. Had he just received news too awful to handle? Had he been thinking of how the two of them had drifted apart, and had it broken his heart?

During the next few hours, Kelsey and Maria huddled up in front of the blazing fireplace, waiting for tomorrow to come.

***

The man lying unconscious in the ICU, connected by tubes and cables to various machines, didn't look like the demanding, angry father Kelsey had known all her life.

He looked fragile and pale as he slept, and unaware of her. Unaware that she had come back to him after all.

From just beyond the doorway, Kelsey and Maria watched. A nurse was inside with him, jotting down notes on a pad.

Kelsey longed to enter the room, but at the same time, she was frightened of her own emotions. The doors to individual rooms slid open and closed, bringing with them the whoosh of life-support machines and the rattle of papers on clipboards. Every sound was like a statement. There was a possibility he wouldn't make it—and they would have no second chance to make peace with one another.

The nurse came out of the room, closing the door behind her. "Are you relatives of Mr. O'Neil?"

"I'm his daughter. Will he be all right?"

"The doctor will be here in a minute to explain everything."

After the nurse left, Kelsey braced herself. With a deep breath, she entered the room, leaving Maria waiting outside.

Kelsey walked up to her father's bed and stroked his hand, but he didn't react to her touch. The room was so sad and sterile, and full of humming machines. She'd forgotten to buy flowers. They would have softened the atmosphere.

The doctor arrived a few minutes later. He wasn't much older than Kelsey. He squeezed her hand. "You must be Miss O'Neil. I'm Doctor Brown." He had an Australian accent.

"Thanks for coming, Doctor."

"Your father had a heart attack caused by a blood clot, which blocked one of the coronary arteries. But he will be fine."

"Why is he still in the ICU then? What are all these machines?" She gestured at one of the humming things.

"That’s a heartbeat monitor, so we can make sure his heart is beating regularly. We're also giving him oxygen so his heart doesn't have to work too hard."

"But he will be fine, you say?"

"Absolutely. He was lucky. No major damage was done. Tomorrow I'd like to talk to you about how your family can help him recover fully."

Sometime after the doctor departed, Kelsey's father woke up. He managed to say Kelsey's name.

The next day, Kelsey brought her father clothes, as well as tulips to brighten up the room. She adjusted the soft pillows behind his head and smoothed the sheets around him.

"Don't worry, Daddy, you'll be out of here in no time. I'll take good care of you." She searched his face for a sign that he was glad she had come, but like yesterday, his eyes were devoid of emotion—no joy, tenderness, or even anger.

Whether or not he was still angry didn't matter. She would be there for him no matter what. Until he was well again. If he asked for her to leave then, she would. She had pushed her own problems out of the way for his wellbeing.

When he fell asleep again, she slipped outside to get a coffee from the machine. She needed something stronger than weak tea to keep her awake. The coffee tasted burned and old, but she swallowed it anyway.

She'd hardly slept at all since her return to Saulery. She'd spent the previous night at her best friend Delia's, because there were too many reminders of her past at her father’s house. They stayed up all night talking about the baby Kelsey had lost, her father, and Shaun, while eating chocolate chip ice cream out of the carton.

Before going back to her father's room, Kelsey slipped into a quiet waiting room to call Shaun.

"How's your father doing?" he asked, his voice full of genuine concern.

"Much better. They said I can take him home tomorrow. He should recover completely."

"That's great news. I'm glad to hear that." He paused. "You'll stay for a while to care for him?"

"Yes...a while." She still wasn’t sure how long her father would need her. Or how much time she herself needed to heal. "I'll let you know when I'm coming back."

She called him periodically, purely to fill him in on her father's progress, as he'd requested. She wasn't in the mood for complicated conversations.

But she still had Shaun on her mind when she returned to her father's bedside. In an attempt to distract herself from worrisome thoughts, she brushed his hair, but he moved his head away. At first it pierced her heart, but later, when she was back home, she thought about it and realized it probably had nothing to do with her. He had always been an independent man. Relying on others for small and simple things would have been unbearable for him.

The next day, Kelsey arrived to pick her father up and take him home, and found him sitting on his bed, wearing the clothes she had brought him. For the first time since she’d arrived, he smiled.

EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

Three days before they planned to celebrate their wedding anniversary, Shaun came home early. Carmen had no doctor’s appointments, classes, or therapy sessions today, so she'd probably be in the bedroom listening to music with Jack curled up next to her on the big bed, while her mother, Nora, did something around the house. She said keeping busy distracted her from thinking about her daughter's impending death. Like Shaun, she was ignoring the cancer. And Carmen got depressed when they even mentioned it. So they suffered silently. At least Nora was a devoted Christian, and that held her together.

To Shaun's relief, though, Carmen had come to find comfort in Jack, who followed her everywhere. Last night, during dinner, before he'd left for his shift, she’d told him all the funny things Jack had been up to. For a brief moment, she'd smiled and her blind eyes sparkled. Shaun had to hold back the surge of emotion at seeing a glimpse of the true Carmen. Before he left for work, she gave him a passionate kiss, one he’d wanted to drown in. It had been hard leaving her after the first time in almost a year that he'd felt he’d reached her.

He'd wanted to soak up the love she was offering, the love he needed to go on. He wanted to lift her off her feet and take her to their bedroom. He wanted to make slow love to her, to tell her she was more beautiful than ever. He wanted them to fall asleep together, clinging to each other. But then the doorbell had rung, and her mother had come in. And he'd left for work. Now he was back, carrying a bouquet of sunflowers, hoping she was still in a good mood, and they could continue what they'd started in the morning.

But the bedroom was empty. No Jack, no Carmen. Even her mother was nowhere to be seen. His breath caught in his throat. Carmen never left the house except for an appointment or class. She’d distanced herself from all her friends, refusing to see anyone who wasn't family.

He searched the whole house, then scrambled for his phone inside his pocket and dialed her number. She had a cell phone with text-to-speech functionality that was easy for her to use without her sight. He pressed his phone to his ear and heard an odd double ring. Pulling it away from his ear, he noticed something peeking out from underneath Carmen's pillow. Her phone.

Damn
. He spun on his heel and headed for the door.

Unsure of where to go first, Shaun wandered the streets, in case they’d gone for a walk. After ten minutes, he returned home. If they were still not there, he'd call the hospital.

But, sure enough, they were home. They had just taken Jack to the vet. Shaun held Carmen tightly to him and exhaled. The fear of losing her ate at him constantly. Sometimes he felt it might kill him.

For two weeks, Kelsey hardly left her father's side. She took care of him, but was careful not to make him feel weak.

His condition improved daily; he was getting his strength back. Although he still spoke very little, he let her read to him, take him for walks, and cook for him. The first day he tasted her food, he had hesitated before eating. Kelsey didn't blame him. The last time he'd seen her in the kitchen, she didn't even know how to use a potato peeler. But after she told him about her cooking course, he nodded meekly and lifted his fork.

One evening, Kelsey told her father about Shaun. She braced herself, sure he would disapprove. But she was ready for anything. The control he'd had over her life had been shattered, and whatever he said now wouldn't change anything. She was a grown woman, and she didn't need his approval in order to make her choices. She just wanted to be honest with him about her life.

To her astonishment, he asked her a question: "Do you love him?"

Kelsey smiled. "Yes, I do. I love him." And she missed him terribly. They had only spoken twice in the last two weeks.

Her father simply nodded, and Kelsey breathed out slowly.

Maybe the attack had changed something in him.

***

In the morning, Kelsey woke to find her father in her room, sitting on the edge of her bed, gazing down at her. She couldn't remember the last time he'd done that.

"Morning,” she said with a yawn. “What time is it?" She stretched and looked at the clock. "Should I make you some breakfast?"

He placed a hand on her shoulder and smiled. The type of smile she'd known as a child—when she’d built her first sandcastle, walked in her mother's shoes, won an award at school. Not her father's smile, but her daddy's smile.

"No, Maria already made breakfast."

"Okay, then let me take a shower and we'll go for a walk. I heard the weather will be milder today."

"You did enough, Kelsey. You don't know how much it meant to me to see your face when I woke up in the hospital."

Kelsey pulled herself up in bed. "Of course I came, Daddy. In spite of what happened, I love you. I always will. I'm sorry it took me this long to come back home."

"I love you too." His eyes moistened.

Kelsey had never seen him cry, not even when her mother died. At least, he had never cried in front of her. She moved closer and embraced him. She had almost forgotten how good it felt to be in his arms.

He hugged her back as if he never wanted to let her go again. "I don't blame you for not coming back. I drove you away. I felt when you walked away from the family business, you walked away from me. I was angry. But I had no right to be. It's your life."

Kelsey wanted to protest, to make him feel better, but the words wouldn’t come. He was telling the truth.

"Why didn't you call? Why didn't you ask me to come home?" Kelsey whispered as she let go.

"I don't know. I was foolish, proud...both."

She wiped a tear from his cheek. "It's all right, Daddy. I forgave you a long time ago. Let's look forward."

"I'd love that more than anything. But right now, I want you to spread your wings. I'm fine now. You should return to Dreara, if that’s what makes you happy."

"Are you sure? I can stay a few more days."

He shook his head. "You've done more than enough for me. Go and be happy with Shaun. You love this man. So, go and be with him."

With her father's blessing, Kelsey felt the last piece missing from her love for Shaun slot into place. She'd had enough time to think. If she loved him, she would have to take him as he was; she would have to be patient, to allow her love for him to heal him over time. Rushing him would only end in heartbreak. And she couldn't take any more of that.