To See You Again (32 page)

When I arrive home Reba is there.

"Hey, Collin," she mutters, not bothering to look
up from her celebrity magazine.

I stare at her for a minute. "You're not going to
move in with me again, are you?" I've been coping pretty well with Mom's death,
I think. I've even resumed counseling, not that I would tell her that. She
doesn't need to be worried, so I'm not sure why she's camped out here so often these
past few weeks.

She shuts her magazine and smiles at me. "Already
sick of me?"

I shake my head and extract a water glass from the
cabinet, filling it from the tap.

"Yuck." Reba makes a sour face. "I don't know how
you drink it straight from the sink. I can only do filtered."

"Well you've always been fancier than me." I shoot
her a sarcastic smile. She rolls her eyes and I stare at her for a beat, and
then it occurs to me, this doesn't have anything to do with a potential
Collin
meltdown, this is about
her
. "Boyfriend woes?"

She picks up the magazine and covers her face with
it. "Ugh! Yes!"

"Don't you have a girlfriend or someone else you
could talk to about this stuff?" I sit down next to her, knowing I'm in for a lengthy
tirade, no matter what. Reba has come a long way in her adulthood, but she
still really struggles with relationships. Given what our childhood was like, I
would be amazed if it were any other way. I can't help but feel bad for her.
Beneath all of her make-up, designer clothes, and vanity, there's a girl with a
big heart, who always chooses the wrong guy and gets hurt because of it.

When she's finally through, she looks over at me,
tapping her lip with her index finger. "So, what about Raven?"

"Rachel," I correct.

"Fine.
Rachel
. I'm never going to remember
that. Are you guys talking?"

I give her a disgusted look. I don't want to discuss
this with her. "You're welcome to crash here Reba, anytime, but don't mistake
this for a sleepover party."

"Oh come on, Collin. Throw me a bone here. One of
us has to get our romantic lives in order. I'd vote for me, of course, but I'm
still rooting for you to pull your shit together!"

I give her a half smile, but it doesn't seem to suffice.
She's quiet, waiting for me to respond, and when I don't, she sighs irritably,
rolling her eyes. I'm being a jerk—something I've tried
really
hard to
be less of recently. We're both silent. I sort of want to talk to her about it,
to maybe get some advice, because boy, do I need some, but I don't really know
where to begin. Reba turns her attention back to her magazine, flipping through
the pages aimlessly.

 "What
is
it you see in that girl, anyway?"
She huffs.

 I'm completely thrown by Reba's snotty and
condescending tone. I thought she
liked
Rachel? What the hell? Fueled by
confusion and anger I shoot back at her.

"
That girl
? That girl is goddamn amazing,
Reba! She's creative, talented and passionate about things that
matter!"
I
shout. I yank the celebrity gossip from her hands, underscoring my point. Reba's
mouth falls open. "She's always worked really hard at everything, even though
no one expected it of her—let alone encouraged or supported her!" Suddenly, it
all just pours out of me.  "She manages to make me feel like I could be better
at everything in my life without
ever
judging me—even when I'm at my
worst." I feel my heart pound. Holy shit—I'm worked up. I run my fingers
through my hair, and suddenly realize Reba's wearing her I-told-you-so-grin.
Wait.
What?

"Hell yeah, Collin!" She cheers. "Way to get all
caveman crazy!" My face is flushed. I reach up and touch it, feeling the heat,
while I try to think of something to shoot back at her, but she just rattles
on. "Do you know what you told me when I asked you about Leighton? You said you
liked her energy and then
barely
added that she was cute and smart, like
the rest of her personality was just an afterthought. You've got it bad for Raven."
She smiles her enormous toothy grin. "And frankly, Collin, I don't think you
could've picked anyone more perfect for you. I've got no clue what's held the
two of you apart all of this time and neither of you jerks will tell me, but
you," she points a long, manicured finger at me, "better fix it!"

I hold my hand over my heart. Reba, of all people,
just bamboozled me into sharing my emotions. I'm not sure what's more pathetic?
The fact that Reba tricked me so easily, or that apparently that's what it
takes for me to share something personal.
Jesus.
She giggles at the
stupid look on my face.

"I totally dig her by the way," she adds. "As fun
as it was to tease you just now; I want to be clear about that—she's great."
She reclaims her magazine, rolls it into a tube, and smacks me hard in the arm with
it. "I totally got you!"

"You did." I elbow her. "Bitch!" She smiles
wickedly, clearly proud of herself.

I take a deep breath. "We've been having lunch on
Wednesdays," I say flatly.

"Ooooh!" She squeals. "Scandalous! What about the
boyfriend? What does
he
think of your lunch dates?"

"They broke up."

Reba slams her hand on the counter. "Collin, this
is huge!" I crack an involuntary smile and have to turn my head away from her.
"What are you waiting for?" She shoves me.

"I don't want to push too hard…you know, push her
away."

She shakes her head disapprovingly. "Well don't
wait too long, Collin. You may not be the only guy pleased to hear she's
updated her relationship status."

I give her a confused look.

I earn another eye roll. "You know, on Facebook?"

"That's a thing grown adults do, not just little
teenagers?" She nods, looking appalled at my social media ignorance. Now I'm
rolling
my
eyes, but she may have a point.

I choose a sushi place for lunch this week and we
decide to split a ridiculously large special tray, which I'm sure was intended
for a group to share, not two people on their lunch break. The idea to do it
started off as a joke, but then neither of us backed off the dare.

Collin is dressed more casually today than he's
been for any of our other lunches. He's still in work attire, but his
dress-shirt sleeves are rolled up and he doesn't have a tie today. I notice he
has his two buttons undone too, adding to his informal look. I go back and
forth in my head trying to decide which version of him throws me more now—this,
or the suits. Then I marvel at the thought that I've seen him enough lately to
think suits on him could feel like a possible norm. We sip our tea until our
no-nonsense waitress appears with our food. She presents the tray, carefully
labeling each item. She's sure to let us know she can get us a take-out box, if
we need one.

Collin leans toward me and whispers
conspiratorially, "She doesn't think we can finish this."

I lean in too, and whisper, "Challenge accepted."

I take my first bite. "Mmm…so good. You have to
try this one." I point down to the roll I just consumed a piece from.  Collin
reaches over with his chopsticks and snatches a section. He closes his eyes as
he chews.

"Yeah, that's good. Now try this." He points to a
roll on his side of the tray and I reach over and carefully extract a portion.

Just then, a BoDeans song begins playing over the
restaurant sound system. We simultaneously lock eyes and smile. "Remember that
concert?"

He leans back in his chair, grinning. "How could I
forget? What a crazy night." He looks almost wistful.

I point an accusing chopstick at him. "I was so
ticked at you for letting Reba and her little pack of crazies tag along with
us."

"I know." He laughs and I can see he's enjoying
reminiscing. "Well, as I recall, the night didn't exactly end well for her."

I cover my mouth. "Oh God…that was the night she
scratched Victor's BMW, right?"

"She insisted on driving." He smirks. "I honestly
thought Victor's head was going to pop off. He got so red in the face." He
laughs.

"I remember those veins in his neck just bulging."
I make a pulsating motion with my hands and Collin laughs harder. Remembering
more of that night, I say, "You caught most of the heat for the accident,
though. Didn't you?"

He nods and then rubs his chin, looking
thoughtful. "That was expected. I was given the keys, so whatever happened
after that was my fault."

He looks like he wants to say more, but I
interject before he can. "You don't believe that do you?"

He shrugs.

I exhale long and slow. I'm not going to let this
one go. "Collin, you can't be serious. Forgive me for speaking ill of the dead,
but Victor was an insane tyrant and that accident was one hundred percent
Reba's fault."

"True and true, but I knew the moment the first
fleck of paint scraped off his car, that I was going to be the one he came down
on. The blame would be all mine." He leans in toward me. "Besides, Reba
couldn't have handled it if he'd gone after her."

"Maybe so, but that doesn't make it OK. You
shouldn't have had to go through that." I cringe recalling Victor ranting and
raving trying to humiliate Collin in front of all of us, and I know that wasn't
even the half of it. I stayed the night and I remember hearing Victor start in
on him again, when he thought everyone else was sleeping. I'm pretty sure it
got physical, and Collin just took it, even though he could've easily crushed
Victor. All these years later, it still makes me ill.

He splays one hand out on the table and gazes at
it before looking up at me. "Victor was all Reba had left. James was long gone from
the house by then. I didn't
want
him to yell at her. He was her dad, I
mean, can you imagine? At the end of the day I could separate. Victor was just
some guy to me. I could handle it." He drums his fingers on the table. "So I
did." He sighs and I detect the slightest bit of nervousness in it. "Reba and I
worked some things out between the two of us later. She paid for most of it.
When we got older we handled things behind the scenes, whenever we needed to."

I lean back in my chair. "I didn't know that."

He nods very slightly and then takes another bite
of sushi, staring at me. This revelation makes me like Reba more, but I'll
never change my mind about how I felt watching Collin be terrorized by his
stepdad, no matter how much he claims he could handle it.

"The thing that gets me, though." He briefly
places his hand to his chest and then removes it as he glances up at me. "All
the shit I tried to protect her from with Victor…all the abuse…she just went
out and found it in boyfriends. It used to make me absolutely crazy until I
realized that we all do it in some way."

"Do what?"

"Accept the shit we think we deserve. Reba's a
survivor who doesn't know she's survived. She hasn't figured out yet how
not
be a victim."

I nervously pick up my water glass, but I don't
drink. I don't know what to say back to this.

"Don't misunderstand me. I don't blame her for
anything, not even for a nanosecond. These dicks she goes out with—the shit
they pull; that's on them. None of it is her fault. I just wish so much she
could see that."

Collin is so earnest that I suddenly feel bad for
every time I was ever annoyed with Reba. I feel terrible thinking about her
with asshole guys.

"I do, too," I say quietly, maybe too quietly, he
doesn't seem to hear me.

He makes a disgusted noise. "And James? Don't even
get me started. I wouldn't know where to begin to help him. Victor never went
after him, not the way he did with me, and somehow the easier everyone went on
him, the more he just slipped away. I haven't heard from him in forever.
Sometimes I think I'll just never see him again. Maybe that's what he wants,
ya' know? To disappear."

Collin looks down at the table thoughtfully. This
might be the most he's ever discussed his stepsiblings and for some reason his
passion about helping them takes me by surprise. It shouldn't though; this is
who Collin is…this is who he's always been. It takes everything I have right
now to stay in my chair and not to jump up and fling my arms around him. I grip
the armrest with my hand, literally holding myself back.

"I'm so sorry, Collin. I'm sorry for all of it,
but you've got to know it wasn't your job to save James or Reba. You were just
a kid, like them."

He returns my comment with full-on eye contact
that causes my face to flush. A wry smile forms on his lips. "Have you been
eavesdropping at therapist offices again?"

I shake my head at him. Always Mr. Deflection. "It
just kills me to think about you taking all this shit on as a kid." I could go
on and on about all the other injustices I witnessed, or was somehow privy to,
and that's just the college stuff. Collin had it rougher than just about anyone
I've ever known, and I have no doubt there is a multitude of hidden stories
I'll never hear. What shocks me now, is to find out how responsible he felt to
protect his siblings, who, in just about every measurable way, had it better
than him.

I must look distraught because he adds, "I'm just
joking. I hear what you're saying, but it's OK." He looks away, a very serious
expression on his face, but then after a moment all of the tension seems to
fade from him, and he smiles cautiously at me. I can see he wants to lighten
the mood. He's more open now than I've ever known him to be, but this is
classic Collin. Personal disclosure time has ended and I know better than to
push. There's so much more I want to hear, or even to say, if I could find the
right words, but I play along and paddle my way out of the deep end.  

"Well, that night was full of happenings. Do you
remember that friend of Reba's who just started sobbing out of nowhere? She was
crazy." Collin takes another bite and looks confused. "You seriously don't know
who I'm talking about? She had like nothing to drink at the concert, but she
was hanging on everyone, as though she was totally wasted. She said ‘like'
every other word and was wearing ridiculously high stripper heels." I take
another bite of sushi and then raise my eyebrows at him. "She was pretty into
you, as I recall." He remains impassive.
How can he not remember this?
"C'mon,
she was really tall and had her hair all done up." I motion around my own hair.
"Before we made it to the diner she was pretending to be passed out on you in
the car." Collin takes a sip of his drink, looks around, and then finally
breaks, releasing a guilty look.

"Ew! Collin!" I ball up a napkin and toss it at him.
"Yuck! That floozy? Please tell me you didn't!" I exclaim.  

He was clearly faking the guilt, because after he
takes one look at my outraged expression, he starts to laugh. "Go easy on me,
woman. I was what, like, twenty years old?"

"How did I not know that happened until now?" I
demand.

He raises his eyebrows and looks away. "I guess I wasn't
aware you wanted a play-by-play the next day."

I shoot him an exaggerated look of disgust. Just
then the waitress passes by our table, and upon examining my expression, her
face fills with worry. I give her a little smile and she returns it, nervously
scurrying away. Then I lower my voice. "Yuck! Trust me, I didn't. I don't want
one now either." I try and fail to keep a straight face, but I just start
laughing, and he's laughing too, and it feels so good.

"Laugh it up, Rachel. I wasn't the only one who
had regrettable hook-ups."

Oh, God. Who is he gonna pull out of the archives?
Collin forgets nothing.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I was
only courted by respectable young gentlemen." He chokes on his water. And in
spite of my best efforts to control it, I start giggling again.

"So, is it
respectable
to wear a ball cap
twenty-four hours a day and talk almost exclusively in sports metaphors?"

I cover my face. "Oh, my God, he was a tool,
wasn't he? What was his name, anyway?" I stare up at the ceiling, trying to
remember.

"Chad. And you said it, not me." He examines my
face, sips his water, and then says, "It's OK. We were young."

"Does that mean we're old now?"

"Well, I spent fifteen minutes this morning
examining my property tax bill, so I think that's a ‘yes' for me."

"Shit. When did we grow up?" I shake my head.

He just smiles.

"So, um, can I ask you something?"

His smile drops immediately. "Anything," he says
with a serious and resolute tone.

I swallow and take a deep breath. "Why
were
there so many girls, before, you know, in college?" He sets his chopsticks down
and lets out a quiet sigh, pushing himself back from the table slightly. I'm
instantly filled with regret. "I'm sorry, Collin—you don't have to…I shouldn't
have asked."

Years ago, I used to think I knew the answer to
this question, but I realize the arrogance in all of that now. I want to hear
his words, see things from his view, but not at the cost of upsetting him. The
last thing he needs is more judgment.

Collin shakes his head. "No, it's fine. I said ‘anything'
and I mean that. Any question is fine. It's just a little hard to explain." He
runs his fingers through his hair and looks away before returning his eyes to
mine. "Before I answer, I feel like you should know things may have been a little
blow out of proportion back then. Yes, I hooked up a lot, but I wasn't sleeping
with everyone. I know that probably doesn't make it any better…" His voice
trails off and he exhales audibly. I apologize again and this time he rolls his
eyes at me. "Stop it. It's OK. I'm just trying to think of the right way to
explain this."

He gives me a reassuring smile that I struggle to
believe. I sip my drink nervously, waiting for him to speak, and hating myself
for asking him this. The thing is, when you really boil it all down, Collin's
behavior hardly made him an outlier. Having lots of hook-ups was normal for
both men and women around that age. I know that now, and frankly, I knew it
then, too. What truly bothered me about his behavior was it never added up with
the rest of him. Here was this guy who was so content to be alone, who was
introverted in so many ways, acting like this anytime he had a few beers in
him. It was the duplicity that alarmed me.

After a long moment, he finally speaks. "I felt like
shit about ninety percent of the time in those days. All the hooking up and
sex—it was a way to feel better, or to feel
anything
other than what I
was feeling. I know it's no excuse for being such a drunken a-hole, but it's
true. It was like a high. But the thing was, whatever
good
I felt? It
never lasted. It wasn't real."

"Maybe it could've been. If you'd given one of
those girls a chance," I say as quietly and as carefully as I can manage.