To the Sea (Follow your Bliss) (5 page)

Chapter Six

After
a refreshing shower, Kira returned to the kitchen where Nicole sat facing the
window having a hushed conversation. Nicole spotted Kira and quickly hung up.

“I
hope that wasn’t insensitive. I didn’t want to draw attention to my
relationship, all things considered, but that was Nate, he sends his love.”

“Oh,
Nicole, I’m so sorry to pull you from your life and have you tangled up in this
mess.”

“Don’t
be silly. You’re my best friend. I’d do anything for you. Including figuring
out some way to get closure on what appears to be a rash of crazy cheating by
your late husband. Nate is fine, and he wants me to be here, to help you.”

Nate’s
kindness heartened Kira, despite her present questionable take on men. Nate was
an amazing person, a committer. Though they hadn’t married yet, he’d asked
several times. Even though each proposal was unique and more outrageous than
the last, she’d declined each one. She claimed she was assessing her belief in
marriage, maybe even more so after this.

Kira
glanced at the sheet of notes Nicole took from Jeremy’s laptop.

“I’ve
taken a good look at the emails, the IM’s, the texts, and cell phone messages.
I’ve devised two plans that can work independently or together. It’s your
choice to do either, both, or none at all

Kira
nodded, relieved by Nicole’s take-charge attitude.

“I
have to head home tomorrow. I want to leave knowing you’re feeling good, better
than you have been, and you’ll be able to go back to work. This world needs
you, sweetie. Although Jeremy was the worst sort, you’re lucky, your life goes
on, and well, he—” She glanced toward the living room where the urn sat. “He’s
gone.”

Her
words never felt truer, although somehow the loss still stung, deeply. Kira
wasn’t sure she wanted to face any of it, but she remained open to Nicole’s
ideas. Almost anything would feel better than the daytime lows and by night,
the even deeper depression she’d been experiencing.

“Here
it is, Plan Alpha—we contact each of the women on Jeremy’s Ivy League Singles
page and have them meet him at tonight. An evening tryst in an empty office,”
she said conspiratorially before continuing. “We explain what’s happened and
hope they’ll see things in a sisterly way. Perhaps in doing so, you’ll move
closer to forgiving him.”

Kira
staggered, she hadn’t even arrived at the F word.

“How
would talking to them help me forgive him?”

“You’ll
see that Jeremy’s purpose in seeking out other women was meaningless. The
flings were to make up for some deficiency he had. Not something wrong with
you. I know you’ve beaten yourself up questioning what you could have done
differently. But trust me, it wasn’t you. This was not your fault.”

She
was right, Kira knew, but Nicole’s words didn’t permeate the confusing layer of
self-doubt and sadness that lived under the anger. She picked up the general
meaning, but couldn’t carry them to her heart.

“Not
ready for that, huh?”

Kira
closed her eyes and shrugged.

“Maybe
it won’t help now, but it might in the long run. We aren't going to yell at
them and call them a bunch of dirty bitches, but meeting them will confirm what
the computer is telling us, and then later on there will never be speculation.
Someday you’ll be able to put a very traumatic and unpleasant experience to
rest. So you can heal.”

Kira
understood, but in an abstract way. Nicole had her on the fast track to getting
well, when in reality she felt as if the world moved slower than ever, and
she’d reached a standstill.

“If
we can determine who the woman in the car was, well, I know it might sound like
a tall order, but you may have questions, and it might be helpful to have
someone who can answer them. They might not be ones you want to hear, but it’s
better to know the truth.” If Nicole ever went into politics, she’d have Kira’s
vote. Yes, she was biased, but Nicole served as the enemy of ambiguity.

“Plan
Beta is Blain.”

Kira
retracted at the sound of his name. Her face twisted into a scowl.

“I
know you two tolerated each other. Okay, hated each other, but maybe he has
something to say, something we don’t know about Jeremy. Who knows, maybe he’ll
tell us Jeremy was a sex addict and had been in a treatment clinic and this was
a relapse.”

Kira
cracked smile. “Sex addiction is real and it’s a painful disease. I should
know; sometimes I watch reality television,” she said.

Nicole
laughed. The conversation changed course as Kira revealed the secret pleasure.

“Really?
Reality TV? I never pegged you for that. Seems beneath your high-brow
cleverness and discernment.”

“I
dabble from time to time.” Kira sighed. “But I’m afraid I recently lost the
rights to the titles, clever and discerning.”

“No
way.” Nicole shook her head. “That’s not the Kira I know. Anyway, then there’s
Gamma—which would be a combo of the two.”

Kira
gazed out the window thinking each through.

“What
will it be? It’s only ten o’clock. We could go all in.”

Urged
by her friend and weighing the other option, endless torment and tears, Kira
felt a rare jolt of courage. She glimpsed her future self, free from the ache
of loss and the burn of anger. Nicole opened the path to forgiveness, however
hard the journey might be.

“Okay.
You contact those lusty ladies online and I’ll call Blain.”

“Sounds
good. Call me in for back up if you need it.”

After
fortifying herself with a deep breath and a couple squares of the dark
chocolate Nicole kept on hand for emergencies, Kira scrolled to Blain’s number
on Jeremy’s cell, and then tapped it into her own. It rang. She imagined him
hesitating when he saw her name.

“Blain
here, what?” he said answering.

“Hi
Blain, this is Kira.”

“I
know.” Cold. So cold. What could she expect; he didn’t even approach her at the
funeral.

“I
was wondering if we could meet later. I want to talk.”

“About?”
Kira looked to Nicole, but she clicked away on the laptop tricking Jeremy’s
list of women into a rendezvous.

“Jeremy.”

He
made a sound of irritation, but then said, “Sure, I’ll meet you at Café 101.”
Kira remembered this being a popular study spot near their alma mater.

“Is
three okay?”

“Fine.”
He hung up.

Kira
steeled herself for seeing him in person. Over the phone proved difficult
enough.

Nicole
clapped her hands together. “Done and done. How’d that go?”

“What
is it with people who don’t say goodbye at the end of a call? Do they just
assume the conversation is over?”

“You
know what I think about people who assume.” Once again, a small smile crept
over Kira’s lips. Nicole did her best impression of their monotone junior year
history teacher. “When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.” They
laughed again.

Tragedy
aside, with Nicole there, it was the first time the walls of the house had
heard laughter. She and Jeremy hadn’t spent much time together there, and like
a pendulum that swung her back into his arms, she thought about all they could
have been. Kira stared in the direction of Jeremy’s urn.

“Earth
to Kira,” Nicole said, snapping her back. “The second you let yourself
experience a bit of lightness, you dive right back into despair. It’s like when
we used to visit the lake, you’d be sweating in the summer sun, then dip your
toe in the cool water, rush back up to the deck, and sit there, sweltering
while I swam. You’re not that little girl anymore. It’s okay to smile and
laugh. There’s no decree stating widows must be somber at all times or you’re
not properly honoring the deceased.”

Kira
nodded. Vague recollections tumbled out of the past: Nicole’s comment about how
she stuck to dry land during the summer, distancing herself from her friends to
spend more time with Jeremy when they started dating, and late nights waiting
up for him.

“Wouldn’t
Jeremy want you to be happy?”

Kira
raised her eyebrow.

“Okay,
maybe not. Who knows what he wanted, but do you see what I mean? Kira, you
lived, you’re still alive. So laugh, live.” She punctuated the last word with
such strength that it echoed in Kira’s mind, bouncing off the memories when
she’d short-changed herself.

“So
Blain,” Nicole said continuing.

Kira
didn’t hear because a darker memory crashed into her mind. She cleared her
throat.

 “Back
in college, freshman year, during rush week, Jeremy and Blain’s frat and my
sorority had a mixer— it was early on in the school year and I didn’t know
Jeremy yet at all.”

Kira
remembered telling Nicole when they met, finally able to match the boyfriend
stories Nicole had over the years.

“The
theme was high school hotties and heroes. The idea was to introduce the frosh,
and humiliate us. From the start, Blain was flirting with me. I swear he was
already drunk by the time they tapped the keg. He tried to kiss me. I didn’t
want anything to do with him. He didn’t like that. Then he told me I was trash
and that there were other, better girls.”

Nicole
listened wide-eyed, her lips tight with anger.

“Then
I met Jeremy. Blain was arrogant, mean, but I was just happy not to be
rejected, I guess. It sounds pathetic. But does that make sense?”

Nicole
sighed. “No, but I get it. I’m just sorry you never told me.”

“You
grew up with brothers. You know how to handle guys. I was embarrassed, and then
later, just happy someone like Jeremy paid attention to me, liked me, even.”

“I
think we need to reassess what ‘guys like Jeremy’ means. And give your
self-esteem a little massage.”

“My
experience with men was so limited. I hardly allowed myself a breather from
books. During the senior year crunch, I let Jeremy in to take some of the
pressure off.

“I’m
just planting a seed, something to think about now, when you feel yourself
getting sad about Jeremy dying, and something to think about later, when you’re
feeling like yourself again, what kind of person do you want to be in a
relationship with? Surely not the first guy that gives you the time of day, but
one that treats you with respect, is honest, romantic, and certainly won’t
cheat on you, for starters.”

Nicole
inadvertently planted another seed in Kira’s mind, feeling like herself again,
but in the last weeks, she wasn’t even sure that was anymore. 

“As
for meeting Blain later,” Nicole hesitated. In the pause, Kira suddenly
realized Nicole had questioned her relationship with Jeremy from the beginning,
and again at their engagement. She recalled Nicole asking, right before they
left for the church, if marrying Jeremy was what she really wanted.

“What
are you thinking?” Nicole asked.

“I’m
remembering all the times you asked me if I was sure Jeremy was a good fit. If
he was the right one for me, if I was happy with him and all along I said, yes,
yes, yes.”

Kira
dissolved in tears as she saw clearly the ways she’d fooled herself. Nicole’s
hug soothed her, accompanied by an ever-increasing glow of truth with each step
she took toward honestly viewing the past few years. It was the same feeling
she’d had when she left the commune the summer after graduating high school,
and when she was behind the lens of her camera, taking photos for the Harvard
Crimson, before Jeremy came along. It felt like alignment and like moving in
the right direction.

“I
hate to say I told you so,” Nicole said playfully. “But now back to Blain,”
Nicole said grudgingly.

Kira
rolled her eyes.

They
discussed their game plan while Nicole bustled around the kitchen, unpacking
lunch. Kira didn’t remember Nicole having such an appetite as she dug into a
tuna melt, chips, a salad, and some browned butter double chocolate cookies she
picked up from the bakery down the street.

“How
did you know I seriously needed some chocolate?” Kira asked.

“Lucky
guess.”

Chapter Seven

As
they entered Café 101, the smells of roasted coffee beans and pastries brought
back grief-free days spent studying. When she spotted Blain’s tall figure and
shortly cropped blond hair, the nostalgia sank like a dead weight in her
stomach. As Kira neared, she noticed his hairline had thinned. He raised his
eyebrows and smirked.

“Well,
well, well. You brought a little friend. Hi, Nicole.”

Nicole
disregarded the comment about her petite stature. “Listen, I’m sure losing your
best friend must be burning a hole in your black heart, but Kira lost not only
her husband, but her sense of who she thought he was. We’re hoping that now
that he’s just a memory and can’t speak for himself, you can fill in some
spaces.”

Blain
smiled with narrowed eyes. “You’ve come for the truth, huh?” he said, lacing
his fingers behind his head and rocking back on the wooden chair.

Nicole
and Kira sat down opposite.

“Jeremy
had what some people call a wandering eye… and a wandering cock.”

Kira’s
sense of propriety made her inhale sharply, hoping no one overheard.

“He
was never faithful to you.” This made Blain smile widely and his eyes grew even
narrower. “He only asked you out because of a frat dare. Remember that first
party he brought you to? It was themed, ‘blokes and jokes’. You were the joke.
Still are.”

Kira’s
eyes moistened. She knew she wasn’t a joke, but the idea that he’d say their
relationship started as meaningless burned.

“Blain,
that’s unnecessary,” Nicole said, looking sharply at him.

“She
wants the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts. Like your hippie parents are too
poor to send you to college so you have to get financial aid? Or that your
boyfriend went out with you because of a dare?”

Kira
already heard enough, but couldn’t will her legs to walk away.

“Though
I suppose now that you’re single and back on the market,
I
could find
out if there was a reason he followed through with the whole thing.”

Kira’s
stomach churned as he eyed her, but anger burst through her discomfort and
disbelief. “Or that a freshman girl wasn’t interested in you, wouldn’t kiss
you, wanted nothing to do with you and still doesn’t,” Kira said.

Blain
shifted in his seat and snorted. “That? I could’ve had any girl in that
sorority. In fact, I did. I didn’t need you. What was her name? Stacy? We
fucked that night. Oh, and there was Anna and Winona and Gia. Should I go on?
Anyway, I was drunk, what’d you expect from me?”

“Respect.”
Kira shot him her fiercest look.

“That’s
nice. The thing about me, ladies, is I do what I want and say what I want. That
isn’t going to change. ‘Kay?” Nicole rolled her eyes and Kira knew she’d agree
that they were dealing with an overgrown toddler.

“Your
nasty attitude is not why we’re here. We want to hear more about Jeremy,”
Nicole said.

“Right.
So what would you like to know? The number of times he was with other women,
the strippers, the bachelor party? Yeah, we still rocked the college parties
too. The getaways and business trips and ladies we’d have to our hotel rooms,
the clubs. How about the dating service, which seemed like a reach even for The
Hammer? But oh, I don’t know, I’d say he slept with a couple dozen of those Ivy
League grads.”

The
casual way Blain threw these figures around incensed Kira, doubled by the fact
that after their wedding and trip to Nantucket, she and Jeremy had slept
together exactly once. A flurry of anxiety about STD’s made her dizzy, the room
tilted.

“You
see, doll,” he said smugly, “You started dating as a dare, and then it became a
bet. Jeremy’s family was pressuring him to marry this girl—old money, family
connections, but she was a dog. D-O-G. So, I suggested you. You were already
dating, sort of, and aren’t hard to look at—that would get his family off his
back. Since you hadn’t caught on to his philandering in college, he figured you
wouldn’t after he moved you to the ‘burbs.”

Kira
broke out in a cold sweat. It was one thing to read about it online, another to
hear Blain confirm it.

He
smiled wickedly before continuing. “First, I bet him he couldn’t pull off the
engagement without you figuring it out. Five grand. Then the wedding. Ten.
Then, well, you didn’t make it to the honeymoon, did you? That would have been
fifteen-thousand dollars if he could stand to keep his dick in his pants for
two weeks out of the country with you. See why he put off the honeymoon?”

“You’re
messed up,” Nicole said.

Blain
ignored her. “You started as a joke and ended as a joke,” he said to Kira.

She
sat there, speechless, trying to wrap her head around what she’d just learned.
Moments ago, she doubted herself sexually and as a girlfriend, a wife, and as a
human being. Now, with absolute certainty, she knew something was wrong with
both Jeremy and Blain.

“Why?”
Nicole asked.

“Why
not? For shits and giggles. You see, Jeremy wanted to please his family, so
when the time came he’d get his inheritance, but he also wanted to please
himself. Win, win, Annandale.”

“Yeah,
except he’s dead,” Nicole said bluntly.

“Well,
he’d had a lot to drink that night. I tried taking his keys. But he was in a
hurry to get back to the condo and get laid. She was super-hot. Big tits,” he
said motioning with his hands around his chest.

“Unfortunately
for her, she was also in that car accident.”

“Yeah,
well, thems the risks. I always say, practice safe sex. Call a cab. That way we
can do it twice, once in the back and once in the bed.”

Kira
steadied her breath. “Jeremy kept the condo as a place to bring women?”

“Yep.
The lair. Man cave. Sex den.”

“Do
you know the name of the woman who was in the accident with him?” Nicole asked.

“Hmmm…
Jeremy had been with so many; it’s hard to keep their names straight. Let me
think, Court or Cori. Something like that. If I recall, she went to Yale. He
wanted to hit one from each of the Ivy Leagues, except Harvard, that’d be like
pissing in your own beer.”

 “Do
you miss Jeremy at all, Blain?” Kira asked.

“Of
course, stupid bitch,” Blain spat. “Not a day goes by I don’t think about him,
the Hammer. He was my best friend. But he went out probably the best way a guy
can, buzzed, getting a blowjob, and about to fuck a hot chick. Win, win
Annandale.”

“You
disgust me,” Kira said, standing to leave.

Kira
didn’t expect flowers and a box of chocolates from Blain, but she never
imagined he’d reveal the disturbing way in which Jeremy had gambled with her
heart.

 “Ah,
come on, I was just getting warmed up. There’s more to tell—hot tubs, sailing
trips, surfing. Ha! That was a good one. You never wondered why he didn’t bring
home sand?” he called after them.

Whatever
else he said, Kira didn’t hear it.

She
sat in the car, stunned.

“A
monster,” Nicole started. “A beady eyed, balding, nasty, atrocious, vile person.”

“And
filthy, sick, twisted—” Kira added.

“I
can’t imagine what women see in him.”

“I
have no idea,” Kira said, letting out her breath and letting the truth seep in.
“Jeremy wasn’t much different than Blain—he just revealed all the dark parts of
Jeremy. I only saw what I wanted to see.” She sighed.

“Or
the parts he wanted you to see.”

The
raking despair that had consumed Kira for so long made room for disappointment,
disenchanting clarity, and disgust.

“You
know how badly I wanted to get away from the commune? Out with the macramé and
flow-y skirts and in with high fashion, and by extension an upgrade to my
entire life, my career, my house, my car—when I think about it, I wasn’t much
different from my parents at all. I just chose preppy, mega-organized, and
Pottery Barn. And they chose bell-bottoms, incense, and tie-dye. It was
something to hide behind, an identity to create when I wasn’t sure who I was.”

“Yeah,
but you didn’t exactly agree with your parent’s lifestyle, their free-love
mentality or any of that. I’ll never forget the time they tried tie-dying their
skin.”

Kira
couldn’t will herself to smile. “They were stoned. But, isn’t free love
essentially what Jeremy practiced?”

“No,
that would be called deceit and infidelity.”

Kira
felt herself cracking wide open.

“Wasn’t
I somehow complicit in what he was doing? By overlooking all his time away and
the fact that we hadn’t had sex since we moved to Newton, wasn’t I ignoring the
truth?” Kira imagined everything she believed about herself spilling in chewed
up chunks onto the city streets.

“We
all want to be loved. There’s nothing wrong with that. But we don’t want to be
lied to.”

“Do
you remember he never came back the night before the wedding? He was probably
out getting laid, stomping all over what I held sacred. Blain probably dared
him.” The gears in Kira’s mind turned as she wiped away a screen of deception
and ignorance that had clouded her sight.

“I
can recall nights when he didn’t even bother to call. I chalked it up to his
commitment to his job, which I took to mean his commitment to our financial
future. Moving to Newton, I thought was us settling down, someday having a
family together, but it was so he could use the condo and wouldn’t have to get
a room at a hotel. I bet the reason we stopped going out into the city together
was so we wouldn’t run into any of the women he dated.”

On
the other side of the car’s windshield, pedestrians shuffled by on the
sidewalk, going shopping or nabbing street food, oblivious to the fact that
Kira’s entire world continued to painfully and slowly fall to pieces before her
eyes. All she could do was watch it happen. No amount of planning, organizing,
or her usual approach to problems would fix it. But deep down, she hoped to
find something redemptive in the ruins. She wanted to find herself there, but
feared, as the sun, filmed in clouds, dipped behind a tall stone building,
she’d only find more sorrow.

“And
the rowing trips, the surf-trips, the travel for work, how do I know what was
true and what wasn’t? How could he? And he had the audacity to say ‘married’ on
his dating profile. What kind of scum—”

 “It
was a game to them. Nothing more. A big boy’s game of how many women they could
have sex with, without the grown-ups finding out. I’m so sorry you had a role
in it. I never imagined they were that awful.”

Kira
simmered, replaying promises Jeremy had made, excuses he’d given, and nights
spent alone.

“It’s
okay to be angry.”

“Damn
right. But the thing is, part of me says I really loved him. That I still love
him. I can’t explain it, but there was the Jeremy I thought I knew and loved.
Or maybe I just made up a version of him to match nicely with my perfectly
planned life.” Kira looked desperately at Nicole.

“I
think you’re getting somewhere,” Nicole said softly.

“It’s
all so confusing now. Becoming a widow in my twenties, at least before my pain
was normal, expected. This new information adds another element. I haven’t
quite wrapped my head around how I feel. How can a person feel angry, sad,
frustrated, despair, lonely, and broken all at the same time?”

Sudden
fear flashed in Kira’s mind. She squirmed in her seat. “I should be tested,”
she said. “We weren’t intimate much, but still.”

“I
know a clinic that’ll take you right away. My cousin, well, anyway, long
story.”

“Yeah.”
The gravity of it all hushed Kira.

Later,
as they left the spotless clinic housed in a non-descript brick building, Kira
plummeted even further.

“We
still have some time before enacting plan alpha. I’m starved, but first, why
don’t you and I do some retail therapy?”