Toad Triumphant (8 page)

“But I think we may take some comfort from the fact that so far as I know there are no obvious suitors of Toad’s hand in marriage hereabouts, and even if there were they would surely have the sense to refuse one of such profligate, self—centred, and unreliable character as he.”

The Mole stared now at the Badger and then rose up to his full height and looked each of his friends boldly and courageously in the eye, like one who wishes to make a final confession before going to the gallows.

“There is still more?” said the Rat in a low and terrible voice.

“There is,” said the Mole. “It is the nature of the artist whom Toad has commissioned to create the bust.”

“Is he disreputable? Is he a marriage broker? That would certainly be bad,” said the Badger.

“I understand not,” said the Mole. “I understand the artist is of the female persuasion.”

“Female!” said the Rat, aghast.

“And a female who has claimed some distant connection with Toad himself,” said the Mole, making a clean breast of it, “if only at some very considerable remove.

“You mean this female artist is a distant cousin of Toad’s, and herself a toad?” said the Badger gravely. “And it is upon the eve of the coming of this — this
Toadess
that you, Mole, of whom we might have expected something better, have put the idea of matrimony into Toad’s head?”

The matter could not have been put more bluntly than that, nor the crisis more plainly stated.

The Mole bowed his head in shame. He had brought a grave crisis to the River Bank, albeit unwittingly and the very expedition of which he had been so proud, so flattered, to have been leader, must now be threatened with postponement or even cancellation.

“May I ask,” said the Badger in a voice made more dreadful by its measured calm, “what Toad’s response was to this notion of yours?”

How slowly the River flowed by them then, how deep and dangerous its depths, how inevitable its coming, and its going.

“He thought,” confessed the Mole finally “that it was a very good idea indeed. In fact he —”

“Say no more, Mole,” said the Badger, putting out his pipe at once, “for it seems you have already said too much. We must go to Toad Hall immediately.”

“I shall go by boat, Badger, for to leave them here unattended with all our gear and provisions would be an open invitation to the weasels and stoats,” said the Rat with a fierce glance at the Mole.

“I did not mean — I mean to say — I am sure that —”spluttered the downcast Mole helplessly.

“Enough of words,” said the Badger, “reconnaissance of the situation and determined action to avert a disaster whose implications are quite unmentionable is what is needed, and needed immediately Otter, you come with me.”

With that, and without any further discourse, lest further delay bring the impending disaster all the nearer and more likely the Badger and the Otter set off on foot, and the Rat got into his boat, leaving the disgraced Mole all alone and feeling as unhappy and as wretched as he had ever been.

“Shall I come with you, Ratty?” he said in a most pathetic voice.

“Humph!” said the Rat, grudgingly making room for him.

“O dear!” said the poor Mole to himself as he cast off the painter and the Rat began to row upstream on what the Mole still hoped might be the first leg of the expedition. It seemed a poor way to begin so noble an enterprise.

“Ratty — ?” he essayed a short while later.

“Better not say a word, old chap,” said the Rat. “Best to stay silent for a while, for it distresses me to think of matrimony and Toad. Why even the River seems nervous and fretful at the prospect. Best to stay silent till we see what damage has been done.”

“Yes, Ratty,” said the Mole in a very quiet voice, wishing they were already far, far away from the trouble and unpleasantness that he seemed to have created.

· IV ·

The Madame

The exertion of sculling upstream, and the calming flow of the River all about them, soon put the Water Rat into better humour.

“We shall not let this matter delay our trip, Mole, old fellow, so please don’t look so miserable, for it upsets me,” said he, before adding a trifle grudgingly as he guided the boat to the landing-stage by Toad’s boat-house, “I suppose any one of us
might
have made the same mistake.”

The Mole accepted this olive branch gratefully and without further comment.

“I am not quite sure I understand why Badger is
so
upset,” the Mole dared venture after due thought. “I mean to say is matrimony really so terrible a thing? Might not Toad benefit from having to think of another, once in a while?”

“Now, Mole, be careful what you say” rejoined the Rat. “These are deep and difficult matters, about which neither of us knows nearly enough. You lightly mention, for example, ‘having to think of another once in a while’. From the grim warnings I myself have received in the past I can assure you that matrimony involves thinking of another a good deal more than that, and the effort would certainly cause Toad trouble and stress and lead him to do something silly We all know how much he dislikes gaol, do we not?”

“Yes, but surely —”

“Well, my dear chap, many have said that marriage is much like gaol, only worse, especially where a female is involved.”

“I should think a female is generally involved if a fellow is to get married,” said the Mole sensibly.

“Exactly my point,” said the Rat as if to clinch the argument.

The boats rocked gently and for a time neither ventured to get out, for the matter they were pondering troubled them and needed much thought.

“What we can safely say” said the Rat eventually “is that the arrival of a female personage at Toad Hall brings matrimony nearer than if that person had stayed away. We can also be sure that Toad, who is weak and vain and capable of anything if he sees some advantage to himself is likely to be vulnerable to the snares that someone of the female gender might set him.”

“Are females
very
dangerous then?” the Mole asked nervously The Rat climbed out onto the landing-stage and pondered the Mole’s question as he tied up the boats.

“They are not dangerous in themselves,” he said finally “but I have heard it said that they have a capacity for causing trouble and dissension. I mean no disrespect to them in any way of course.”

“Of course not,” said the Mole, adding ingenuously “why your own mother was a female, was she not?”

“I believe she was,” conceded the Rat, a shade irritated to be reminded of the fact.

“Mine as well,” said the Mole confidentially glad to have discovered some non-contentious ground in territory that seemed so riddled with danger and difficulty.

“Perhaps it is enough to say that we along the River Bank have no need of females and have lived happily without them for a large number of years,” said the Rat judiciously as he finally led the way into Toad’s garden. “They are perfectly all right in their own place but perhaps they would feel uncomfortable here.”

“I see,” said the Mole, doing his very best to sound as if he did. For the Mole had fond memories of the female members of his family and often, in his quiet and gentle way regretted their passing. Life had brought him many blessings and many pleasures, but it was no good pretending that occasionally he did not remember his mother’s touch with fondness, or that he did not feel wistful when he remembered the sound of his sisters’ laughter in childhood days. Naturally from the confidential conversation he had when he had been recuperating at the Badger’s house, he had not forgotten that the Badger was not without a soft spot for a particular female he had known many years before and had never quite forgotten. So the Rat’s seeming dismissal of all female virtues did not entirely convince him.

But perhaps the Rat recognized the fact and felt that some final statement was necessary to keep the Mole upon the narrow path, for as they approached the terrace steps up to the Hall, and heard the sound of their friends’ voices, he stopped and put a hand upon the Mole’s shoulder.

“Mole, old friend, you would be well advised to put out of your mind such dangerous thoughts as these, and desist from mentioning matrimony to those of your present friendship and acquaintance.”

“Even my Nephew?” persisted the Mole.

He had some hope that one day Nephew would settle down and raise a family and that he, Mole, might have some little use and value still to a new generation. Not that he had ever said so bold a thing to anyone, least of all his Nephew, but it was no good pretending he did
not
have such simple, harmless dreams.

“Especially
your Nephew, if you want him to remain happy and content,” said the Rat firmly. “You must warn him against such impulses, Mole, should they ever present themselves. Keep him busy and occupied with things that matter, that’s the best approach. Now, let us see how badly Toad is infected with this new idea.”

The Mole judged it was best not to pursue his enquiries further, and they made their way up the steps, across the terrace, to join the others in Toad’s conservatory.

From the warning glance that the Badger immediately gave them, and the air of weary good humour that came from the Otter, it seemed that they had arrived not a moment too soon. It was all too plain that Toad was in an advanced state of excited exhaustion and might not get through the hours ahead without yielding to a crisis of some kind.

He was propped up on cushions on a carved oak settee and constantly sighing and mopping his brow, which was scarcely surprising since the conservatory was very warm indeed.

“Pray close the door, Ratty there’s a good fellow, for the draught may give me a fever. ‘‘

“I should say the temperature in here will give you that,” said the Rat shortly “if it has not done so already.”

“Please don’t vex me,” rejoined Toad, sitting up a little, “for I have a very great deal on my mind and need a period of calm so that I may prepare myself for the ordeal ahead.”

“Ordeal?” said the Water Rat. “I thought we had come for a preliminary sitting before an artist of some kind —”

A look of exasperation crossed Toad’s face, and resignation as well, such as passes across the face of a parent who must explain something to a child who seems likely to have difficulty understanding it.

“This afternoon an artist, a world-famous sculptress no less, will commence an important undertaking in this very room, or possibly on the terrace outside. I cannot say. We do not put fetters upon such people.”

“Certainly not,” said the Otter heartily winking at the Rat.

Toad thought he was sincere and declared, “You are a good fellow, Otter, and I will put a good word in for you so that you too might find some role, albeit a small and inconsequential one, in the great enterprise which is shortly to begin.”

“That’s very decent of you, Toad,” said the Otter with a broad smile.

“Humph!” said the Badger and the Rat almost together, for both felt that Toad was making a great deal of fuss about nothing. Both regretted that they could not be more blunt on the point, but with Toad there was always the very real risk of provoking precisely the opposite reaction to that intended. Who could be sure that the wrong word said now, or too harsh a handling of their errant friend, might not provoke so volatile a seed as the idea of matrimony which the Mole had so unfortunately sown here at Toad Hall, into escalating and unstoppable growth?