Together Apart (9 page)

13.

12 October 1998

L
ast night was bloody
amazing
!! I wish I could bottle it up and keep it forever.

I spent the pocket money I’ve been saving and bought a new denim miniskirt and purple tights and teamed them up with my favourite vest top and Converse trainers. Hannah did my makeup for me when I got to her house. She’s really good at it, and she plucked my eyebrows too. All I can say is,
Ouch!
But it was totally worth it. I looked at least seventeen, and I felt great.

As soon as we got into Corporation, I felt the adrenalin rush. I was so worried we’d get ID’d, but thanks to Daniel’s brother, they just let us straight through. Richard was already there with some of his friends, and when I saw him standing by the cloakroom, I thought I was going to pass out there and then.

In the few seconds I looked at him before being dragged through the club by Hannah, I took in everything – the way his cheeks dimpled when he smiled and how the UV light bounced off his teeth, and how he strummed his fingers against his leg in time to the music as if he were playing a guitar. He was wearing baggy, dark jeans and a brown Airwalk T-shirt, and his hair kept falling into his eyes. I wanted to run my fingers through it. Every single thing about him just screamed sexiness, and my heart thumped in my chest so hard I was sure he’d be able to hear it. Thank God he was talking to someone, or he would have seen me gawping at him like a total lunatic!

After a while, I went to sit in the chill-out room. I was hot and knackered out from jumping around to Greenday and Foo
Fighters
. The room was dark, with a few sofas dotted around the edge, and I could just about make out a couple fooling around on one of them. All I could think was,
Wow.
Corp was undeniably cool. Everyone wore what they wanted, danced how they wanted and didn’t seem to give a toss what anyone else thought. There were Goths and girls dressed like Fifties pin-ups, and there was even a half-pipe where the skaters whizzed up and down. It seemed like the more outrageously dressed you were, the better. My vest and skirt combo felt a bit lame in comparison. It was nice to be surrounded by people who were into the same things I am.

At school, unless I’m with my friends, I always feel self-
conscious
. I’d shed my pedal pushers and Reeboks in favour of baggy jeans, dog collars and Vans trainers more or less overnight, and it sometimes feels like I’m seen as a bit of a circus freak. I never realised it before but I guess it all started when Dad died and I started listening to his old music tapes and CDs. He was into classic rock, which I found a bit lame, but it made me feel closer to him. I guess it was just a natural progression for me to start listening to the harder stuff. Now I like everything from grunge to metal. I do listen to the chart stuff sometimes. It’s hard not to when Claire belts it out from her stereo all the time. After the music, the dress sense followed, and I started hanging out with Hannah and her group of friends. We’d hardly ever even spoken before, apa
rt fro
m in English, where we sit next to each other. I always thought she and her friends were a bit weird, but they’re actually the nicest
people
I know. Not once have I been made to feel like I don’t fit in.

So anyway, I was thinking about how lucky I was to have such a great group of friends, when Richard came in. My heart literally skipped a beat, and I prayed that he’d sit down next to me. He did, and when he spoke, I swear, it was like eating a massive bar of chocolate and having my throat stroked with a feather at the same time. I could feel myself tingling all over. We talked about music, films, everything. He’s so easy to talk to.

I didn’t dance for the rest of the night. I didn’t move at all. I was scared that if I did, I’d turn around and he wouldn’t be there anymore. I couldn’t believe he was giving me the time of day when there were so many pretty girls around. I nearly had to pinch myself to check I wasn’t dreaming. I was in Corporation, finally having a night out with my friends, and I was talking to the fittest guy I’ve ever seen. He’s only a year older than I am, but he’s so mature, and he was genuinely interested in what I had to say.

I could have sat there talking to him all night, but we had to leave to go back to his house. We ended up walking because we missed the last bus. It must have taken an hour or so to get there, and it was freezing cold. Usually, I’d have bitched and moaned, but I didn’t even care. He was walking beside me, talking to me, and then he held my hand! Just like that! Like it was the most natural thing in the world. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling when he did but it was
amazing
. His hands were so hot against my cold ones, it felt like they’d burn right through my skin, and he didn’t let go the entire way.

His house is huge. It’s detached, and his room in the loft is bloody massive. His parents must be really cool to let him have all his friends back to their house. There were about eight of us there, and everyone paired off before passing a couple of spliffs around. I’d never smoked before. I was always too afraid it would make me feel sick, and I didn’t want to become some loser stone-head, but I didn’t care. It was obviously something Richard did all the time, and I didn’t want to look boring. So I took a toke and held the smoke down, trying to make it look like it was something I did all the time and not cough. Of course, I did. I couldn’t help it, but instead of laughing at me, he just smiled.

I’ll be honest: I didn’t really like it. It tasted really gross, and I didn’t like the way it made me feel all light-headed, but when he leaned over and kissed me, it didn’t matter. I couldn’t believe it. It still feels like a dream, thinking about it now. It was perfect. I’ve kissed a couple of guys before, but they weren’t even in the same league. I could taste the weed on his tongue, which wasn’t so great I guess, but it didn’t matter.
He
was kissing
me
! I felt like I was on top of the world. We kissed all night in between smoking and
listening
to music.

I’ve never had such a perfect night, and I doubt I ever will again. My skin is still buzzing. For the last few hours, I’ve had him kissing me, stroking my arms, my stomach and running his fingers through my hair. It feels like I’m being starved now that I’m home. I need to shower, but I don’t want to. I want to savour this feeling before I have to wash it all away. I’m so glad I started this diary. If I wasn’t able to read back on it, I’d convince myself I dreamt it all. But I didn’t. It really did happen.

I hope he’ll be at City Hall tomorrow. I have no idea if this means we’re going out or not. I really hope so.

13 October 1998

Richard was out today. My legs turned to jelly when I walked towards City Hall and saw him sitting on the steps, speaking to Tom. My mind went totally blank. I had no idea what to say to him. I’ve heard before how everyone pulls each other when they’re out, but it doesn’t mean they’re together. It’s just seen as a bit of f
un. I’d
have died if it had all turned out to be nothing more than a fumble. I sat with Hannah and forced myself not to turn around and look at him. I didn’t want to look desperate, just in case. When Daniel turned up, she went off with him (as usual), and within seconds Richard was there, right next to me.

We’re together – there was no doubt about that when he kissed me there and then for everyone to see. Hannah can keep Daniel. Richard trumps him in the cool stakes, and he’s better-looking t
oo. I ca
n’t bloody believe it – Richard Stone is my boyfriend!! I’m so happy! I wonder if it’s too soon for it to be love?

14.

A
dam closed the gate behind him and made his way through the neat front garden. His parents had lived in this house all his life, and it was comforting to know it was a constancy he could depend on. Once he closed the gate behind him, he would be at the front door within eight paces, and come next summer, the exterior walls would be repainted in the same creamy colour they had always been. The house was repainted every two years, whether it needed to be or not. The three-bedroom semi contained all of his childhood memories, and when he put his key in the door and flicked his wrist with just enough force for it to open, he instantly relaxed.

‘Adam?’ His mum, Angela, appeared by the kitchen door, holding a roasting tray in her hands. ‘I was wondering where you’d got to. Come on – everyone’s waiting.’

Rubbing his hands together to thaw out the cold, Adam looked around, and a smile played on his lips. No matter how many times he came through this door or what mood he was in, it always made him feel better. Walking past the stairs and family photos hanging on the wall, he remembered the time when he’d slid down the banister too quickly and fallen, chipping a tooth. Every room in this house had a memory in which he or his brothers, David or Joe, had hurt themselves. They were typical boys growing up, forever scraping knees, bumping heads or splintering themselves on the rough blocks of wood their dad would bring home.

‘Here he is.’ His dad, John, smiled, lowering the corner of his newspaper. ‘So nice of you to join us. We’re all starving here,
you know.’

‘Sorry, Dad.’

Adam kissed his mum on the cheek, and after slapping both of his brothers on the back of the head, slid into the empty chair at the table. His stomach rumbled loudly. Now that he was sat in front of the table piled high with food, he realised just how hungry he was.

‘Look at you,’ John said, folding his paper in half. ‘You’re so thin, I could pick you up by those collarbones like a suitcase.’

He looked at his dad’s hand. He was sure the tremor hadn’t been there before. It seemed like every time he came to see his parents, he noticed something new. More liver spots, more grey hairs. They’d always been fit and active, and they still were, but they moved much more slowly now. The idea of them losing their mobility and getting older . . . He didn’t like it.

‘Hardly,’ Adam replied, reaching into the bowl of roast potatoes and popping one in his mouth.

‘Now, Dad, we all know how much care and attention our Ad puts into his physique,’ David said, flicking a pea in Adam’s
direction
.

David and Joe were short and stocky like their dad, whereas Adam was tall and lean, taking after their mum. It was a running joke that, next to them, he always looked underfed.

‘Leave him alone, John,’ Angela said as she placed the gravy boat on the table and sat down. ‘He’s fine just as he is. Now, let’s eat. It’s been sitting on the table long enough as it is. You know I like to have Sunday dinner at three o’clock on the dot, Adam.’

Adam, David and Joe mimicked their mum in unison before tucking in and bickering about who had the most food on his plate. Adam looked at his brothers and smiled. It was nice for them to all be together. Nowadays, they only saw each other for family get-togethers and the odd Sunday dinner, and while they didn’t always get on, their family unit was tight. What was Sarah like with Claire nowadays? Since he’d never heard Sarah talking about her, they obviously weren’t close. When was the last time Sarah had seen her, or her mum?

‘How are Deina and Celina? Still in Rio?’ Joe asked, pushing his glasses further up the bridge of his nose. David’s wife had gone back to her native Rio for two weeks and taken their daughter with her.

David nodded. ‘Fine, considering. They fly back tomorrow.’

Joe shook his head. ‘It’s awful. The first time Deina goes home in ages, and it’s for a funeral.’

‘What can you do? People are killed every day in that shit heap.’ David shrugged.

‘Language, David.’ Angela frowned, and he raised a hand apologetically. ‘And you should have a little more compassion. I have to say, it looks terribly hard from what I’ve seen on the telly. All those poor people living in – oh, what were they called again, John?’

‘Favelas,’ John mumbled.

‘Yes, favelas. She’s lucky to have escaped that place. Poor girl.’ Angela pursed her lips. ‘And I’m not happy about little Celina being somewhere so hostile.’

‘I have plenty of compassion,’ David replied. ‘Yeah, they’re my in-laws, but it’s not like I can do much from over here, is it?’

As the eldest, David had asserted his authority over Adam and Joe when they were younger. It was always a case of what David said went. He could be bossy, selfish and cocky, but he was also funny and loyal, and he stood up for what he believed in. It was to him that Adam and Joe would go for advice growing up, and he was far more approachable than their dad, who preferred knocking things up in the shed to dealing with the raging hormones of teenage boys.

‘What about you? Still shackled to your kitchen sink?’ Adam asked Joe, swiftly changing the subject. David was always defensive, and Adam could feel his frustration emanating across the table. He had always hated being told what to do.

‘Ha, funny,’ Joe replied, deadpan.

Joe was the wild one, or at least he used to be. If there was a party going on, he would be there, and if there was some coke or pills doing the rounds, that was even better. Adam would go out with him sometimes and was always amazed at the sheer amount of narcotics Joe could get through. He’d take cocktails of uppers, downers and all-rounders like it was nothing. If their parents ever found out, they’d have matching coronaries. Adam had always been sure Joe would be dead before he reached thirty, convinced he’d be found overdosed in a pool of his own vomit in a crack den somewhere. Until marriage tamed him.

Once again, Adam felt a weight in the pit of his stomach, and it wasn’t the food that he’d so hastily eaten. Sarah had slotted in so easily with his family. His dad had liked her in his quiet, reserved way, and his mum had welcomed her with open arms. As the only unmarried son, it was no secret that his parents wanted him to follow in his brothers’ footsteps. Then, the Thompson set would be complete – all married off and settled down, leaving his mum and dad to enjoy their retirement without worrying about their wayward bachelor son. They’d probably thought it was a dead cert wi
th Sarah.

He thought about Joe, stuck with a woman who practically held him hostage and demanded all of his attention, all the time, and David, married to a woman so out of his league it was like watching a five-a-side team taking on Manchester United. Sarah had always let him do his own thing, and he’d never felt any pressure to keep her living in a superficial, materialistic bubble.

He hadn’t told them that he’d proposed because he couldn’t imagine telling them how she’d turned him down. It just wasn’t working out, he’d told them. They weren’t stupid. He knew they could all see how much he loved Sarah, but he refused to budge, and when they saw that he wouldn’t offer up a legitimate reason, they let him be.

Feeling eyes on him, Adam looked to his right. His dad was smiling at him. He wasn’t big with words, but he always seemed to know when something was up with one of his boys. The smile was as if to say, ‘I know you’re not doing so great, but everything will be okay.’ His dad had a way of making him feel better without saying anything at all. Adam returned the smile and tuned back into the conversation that was now centred on Mrs Betts, the lady who’d lived next door since the dawn of time and was now moving into a nursing home after having a nasty fall.

‘Can you believe it?’ Angela asked as she gathered the plates from the table. ‘She has two children, both earning disgusting amounts of money in the City, and she has to go and live in a poxy nursing home. I’m telling you right now, I’ll never forgive any of you if you do that to me or your father.’

‘Mum, she’s almost ninety years old,’ David said. ‘She can barely walk. She can’t be rattling around in that house forever.’

‘That is not the point, David,’ she said, standing by the archway between the kitchen and the dining room. ‘Young ones today just don’t want the responsibility of looking after their parents. When I get to the stage where I need someone to wipe my bottom for me, I’d rather it be flesh and blood than a faceless, temporary nurse who couldn’t give two hoots.’

‘Mum! Would you stop it?’ Joe said, and Adam laughed at the horror etched into his brother’s face.

‘Come on now, Ange. We’re hardly decrepit, and my bottom is fine, thank you very much.’ His dad rose from the table. ‘I’m going to the shed.’

David and Joe looked over at Adam and nodded upstairs. Even now, they couldn’t resist heading up to David’s old bedroom and smoking out of the window. It was stupid. As if his parents didn’t know that they smoked. They knew everything. All the times they’d sneaked into the house drunk after a party and thought they’d got away with it, his mum and dad would pull them up on it the following morning, when they were in the grip of cider hangovers. When Adam used to steal a glance at the porn magazines he had stashed in the bottom of his drawer, his mum would come knocking on the door. His parents had a radar for everything that went on under their roof. Adam signalled that he would be up in a minute and picked up the rest of the clutter from the table.

His mum smiled as he put the plates and cutlery on the
worktop
next to the sink. ‘Thanks, love.’

‘How’s things, Mum?’

‘Oh, fine,’ she replied, rinsing a plate before putting it in the dishwasher. Adam frowned as she held the small of her back when she straightened up.

‘Here, I’ll do it.’

‘I’m not past it yet, you know.’

‘I never said you were.’ He held his hands up in mock defence. ‘How’s Dad?’

His mum wiped her hands dry on a tea towel. ‘He’s fine. Happy in that shed of his. You don’t need to worry about us – we’re fine.’

Adam nodded. ‘I’m not. It’s just . . . well, you know.’

‘We’re getting old?’

Adam looked at his mum, seeing past the ageing woman she had become to recall the fresh face from his childhood. He shrugged.

‘We’re only going to get older, God willing.’ Angela smiled. ‘Go on. Your brothers are waiting for you.’

Adam laughed and kissed her on the cheek. She’d never say it, but he knew he was her favourite. She’d always let him get away with more than David or Joe.

How had Sarah coped being estranged from her family? Sure, his parents nagged and got on his nerves at times, but he knew how lucky he was to have them. It was a shame that Sarah didn’t have the same, and he intended to find out why.