Too Busy for Your Own Good (26 page)

Within two weeks, I will _______________ .

Within one month, I will _______________ .

In six months I will handle my work stress this way: _______________ .

Lowering your stress allows your body and mind to work more efficiently—making you less busy. Using these stress-relief methods and changing your attitude about your stressors, you'll be preventing future stress—and busyness.

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed
.

—C. G. Jung

What does dealing with difficult people have to do with your busyness? They take up a disproportionate amount of your time and sap your energy, and you will be around them for the rest of your life. If you start coping with them, you'll save time and energy in the long run. Even in small doses, difficult people have the same effect as water rushing over a stone. Over time the constant friction will eventually wear you down.

You've been allowing these jerks to take up your time, or you might even be trying to outlast them. After all, if they would just go away (move, quit, transfer), that problem would be solved. I've heard clients say, “I'm just going to hang in there
until
the children are out of school (the holidays, the weekend, I get my bonus).”
Until
is dangerous because little by little you are worn smooth by compliance with jerky behavior. Each infraction adds up so at the end of your day, year, or life, you have allowed someone else's bad behavior to triumph over your soul.

Do you sometimes feel like your job is perfect except for some of your clients, customers, or patients? Do you work with a few people who range from unpleasant to downright mean? I call the difficult people in my life “lions.” Some of them may act like pussycats, but you need to think of them as lions. From a distance, lions and difficult people are impressive and charismatic, but up close,
if you're not vigilant, they are stress-producing and can rip you apart.

When you decide to tame the lions in your life, the crazy busyness in your life can't help but improve. This chapter will show how you can take your life back and tame that person—or persons—who leaves you feeling frustrated, manipulated, or stressed. If your lion is a direct supervisor or an immediate coworker,
Chapter 8
will help you broaden and fine-tune your skills when dealing with him or her.

You are not alone. Many studies have cited that most folks shut up, buckle down, and take it. In 2005, researchers Charlotte Rayner and Loraleigh Keashly reported that 25 percent of victims of bullies at work leave their jobs (compared to the average rate of 5 percent). The remaining 75 percent just stay and cope with it. It is noteworthy to mention that nasty people affect more than their intended target—in the same report, 20 percent of witnesses to bullying left their jobs.

Here is your big, grown-up, mature awakening
:
you
are going to have to be the one who changes, because your
Devil Wears Prada
boss probably got (and keeps) his or her job by conducting him- or herself that way. They are not going to “see the light” no matter how clever, smart, or manipulative you are in trying to change them.

So your job is to COPE with difficult people.

C
Find your own
character
and
craving
. Who are you, and what do you want to happen in this situation? (This saves you time and lowers your stress.)

O
Stay
open
to alternatives to what you've done in the past.

P
Make a
plan
and work it, based on knowledge and understanding of yourself.

E Exit
, if necessary, the situation or the relationship.

Cecelia loves her job as a radio producer. She was living and working her dream as she was getting her master's degree in communications. She lives in her dream city, and the size of its radio market helps to confirm that she has “made it.” She describes her coworkers as “high-energy, unfocused, artistic, and more than a little egomaniacal.” At first she was impressed by some of these qualities, but now they drive her crazy. Basically Cecelia is even tempered and unruffled, but she realizes that if she wants to change the culture of “ultra-busy” at her station and lower her stress, it's up to her to make the first step.

I believe that one of the greatest inventions of the twentieth century is Teflon. In the kitchen, it allows you to cook with high heat, yet it makes cleanup easy. Oh sure, you can burn the baloney out of something, but it
won't stick
. When you discover your communication style, it's like your very own personal Teflon: when the heat's on, people's bad behaviors don't stick to you. It's a cleaner way to operate.

My students have found that in most interactions between people, the person who is most
self-aware
will be in command of the conversation—“If I know more about myself than you know about yourself, I will be in control of the conversation.” Taking this knowledge further to include awareness of others will help you have great influence over their behavior—“If I know more about you than you know about
yourself
, I can control you.”

Since you have spent your entire life developing your style and perfecting who you are, the following exercise will help you know more about you and your personal communication style. Later on in this chapter, you will discover how to know more about your lions and other difficult people.

Pick the following words that apply to
you
most of the time (i.e., “I am more lively than quiet.”). Don't think too long about your answer—go with your first thought. Check one word from each pair.

1
. Total the checks in
Column B
. On the horizontal line that follows, find this number and draw a vertical line through it.

2
. Total the checks in
Column C
. On the vertical line, find this number and draw a horizontal line through it until the two lines intersect.

3
. Circle the word in that quadrant. Read about this communication style in the following chart and see how well it describes you.