Tormented (4 page)

While we waited for our coffee and dessert, Jade pushed to her feet. “The pressure on my bladder is terrible today. I need to go pee again.” Harrison pulled her chair back, and we both watched as she disappeared into the ladies bathroom.

“I hope this pregnancy goes smoothly.” Harrison’s face was serious, and he wore a small frown between his brows. Just like that, his mood had flipped. “I couldn’t bear if something happened to her again. This time I’m going to be a better brother.”

Silence fell between us before he turned to me and grabbed hold of my hand, catching me off guard with the sadness clear on his face and in his eyes. “Will you help me, Eva?”

His plea was simple yet so genuine that my heart squeezed as it ached for him. How could I refuse such a heartfelt request?

“You have to help yourself first.”

He looked at me with a perplexed expression. “How?”

Twisting a lock of hair between my fingers, I thought for a long moment before I answered. This wasn’t easy, and I wasn’t really sure exactly how I could help. I pulled my hand form under his and laced my fingers together on my lap.

“I always wished for siblings. It’s tough being an only child with two parents who worked as hard as mine did. It hit me especially hard when my mother died.” I paused, thinking about my losses. My heart still ached whenever I let my mind wander to my past. “You and Jade are lucky to have one another, and I was lucky to gain a new brother, even though it didn’t happen during my childhood, when having a brother would have been amazing.”

“I know I don’t always show it, but family is the most important thing to me. But when my darkness overwhelms me, I become a little crazy. I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for what happened to Jade’s baby.”

I let out a long, slow breath before I spoke. “It was Ryder’s baby, too. I will help you, but only if you can be mature enough to accept that they are a couple, and that you hating Ryder kills your sister.” My mouth went dry, but now that I’d started I couldn’t stop talking. “That stress alone is bad for her. If you can handle me telling you the truth and then do something about it, I can help you. Otherwise I’m afraid you may just repeat the pattern. Maybe not in the exact same way, but as long as there is tension, it poses a risk to Jade and her pregnancy.”

Harrison brushed his hand through his hair. “What you say makes perfect sense. I never thought of it like that. Fuck, I’m a mess.”

I smiled at him. “I wouldn’t go that far . . . there is hope for you. Just being aware of the problem and looking for a solution is a great start.”

“You’re a smart woman, Eva Ryder.”

“Most of the time. Sometimes I can do dumb things too, just like everyone else.”

“It takes a brave person to admit that.”

I chuckled and took a long sip of my smoothie. “How did this conversation become about me? I thought we were talking about you.”

“Ahhh, I’d much rather talk about you. You are far more interesting.”

Jade returned to the table, rubbing her hand over her stomach as she sat down. “That feels better. Now I have room for the next course.”

E
va was the smartest and sexiest woman I’d ever met. She wasn’t afraid to speak her mind, and she didn’t sugarcoat her opinions, either. The fact that she could pinpoint my problem so accurately didn’t really surprise me, although her words hit me hard.

How I was going to make peace with Ryder being a part of my future and family was a problem tougher than I was willing to admit. It wasn’t a switch I could just turn on at will. Granted I didn’t hate him as vehemently as when I just met him, but it was unlikely I’d ever become friends with the biker. We were just too fucking different.

“I turn my back and you become all serious again.” Jade was sharp. As usual, she could read me pretty well. There wasn’t much I could hide from her.

“We were just discussing something important.”

“What? Is it about me? I noticed how you both went quiet when I returned to the table. That’s usually a dead giveaway that people were talking about you.”

Eva quickly spoke up. “Oh no, it’s nothing like that. Harrison just asked my opinion on something and I—”

God, this woman was more than amazing. She was trying to bail me out, and I loved her for it, but it was time to tell Jade the truth. I cleared my throat before I started. “Sis, I worry about you. I don’t know where to begin to apologize for what happened before.” I choked on the words, so I took both her hands in mine while I composed myself. Rubbing circles on her icy-cold hands, I was aware of her shallow breathing as she sat frozen.

It was at that moment the waitress brought our coffees and desserts to the table. Dropping Jade’s hand, I sat back and waited for the girl to set it all down in front of us. She must have sensed that something was going on because she didn’t flirt with me like she had done before. I thanked her and gave her a small smile. The tension at our table was thick, and I couldn’t wait for her to leave so I could talk to Jade.

Why I’d chosen this moment to apologize I wasn’t sure. I only knew I couldn’t let another minute pass without at least trying to fix things between us. Although Jade had always been polite since she’d lost her baby, she was definitely more reserved when she was in my company and certainly a little cautious. It dawned on me that when Ryder was around, she made a point of hiding from me and placing him between us.

Christ, was I that much of a monster that my own sister was wary of me? How had that happened? Her adoration had turned into fear, and I hadn’t even realized it until this moment because I was too fucking wrapped up in my own head.

“Jade, I know words are empty and hardly adequate to express how sorry I am for all the pain I caused you.” I caught a glimpse of Eva’s face. She wasn’t happy with me either. Fuck.

“And?” Eva said, her voice nearly a whisper. At first I didn’t understand what she meant. I stared into her stormy eyes for a long moment.

I got it. Finally.

“And for the pain I caused Ryder losing his daughter.”

Jade’s eyes filled with tears that brimmed on the edges of her lashes. She swallowed hard and blinked a few times, but still didn’t say a word.

“Can you ever forgive me? I don’t deserve it, but for your own wellbeing, if you could find it in your heart to forgive me . . .”

Jade sat motionless, hardly breathing. Was I getting through to her? I’d never seen her like this—unresponsive and cold. Panic set in, making my gut roil as my heart sank into my shoes.

Eva spoke softly, her voice vibrating with emotion. “Jade, honey, I can attest to how much Harrison regrets what happened. It’s eating him alive. But he’s a stubborn asshole and until today he hasn’t been able to admit it out loud. You don’t have to say anything right now. But I can assure you it comes from a good place.”

Jesus, fuck. Eva cut right to the core of it.

I nodded. “It’s from the heart, Sis. If I could undo it, trust me I would. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m deeply sorry and regret being so . . . um, such an asshole, as Eva put it.”

Tears streamed down Jade’s cheeks. Fuck, I hadn’t meant to make her cry. One hand rubbed her stomach and the other the space above her heart. I hated that I was making it worse.

“I love you so much it hurts. I’m so sorry I’m such a prick.” I swallowed the thick lump in my own throat.

Through her fresh avalanche of tears, a small smile twisted Jade’s lips. She placed her hand on my arm and studied my face for a long moment. I held my breath, praying to God that she’d understand where I was coming from. I wasn’t used to apologizing, and I wasn’t sure my words were enough.

How can simple words undo all the pain I’ve caused?

Yet I had to try. Try, because it was important to me and Jade and Eva.

Jade’s bottom lip trembled when she spoke, yet her voice was strong and filled with love. “It was an accident. I’ve known you all my life, and in my heart I’m convinced you’d never do such a thing purposely. The past can’t be undone. All we can do is learn from it and move forward—wiser and with more compassion.”

My gaze flitted from Jade to Eva and then back to Jade again. How did I deserve two such strong and extraordinary people in my life? It could only be my angels looking after me. I wasn’t a religious man, yet I could be convinced otherwise just by the virtue of these two women.

I pulled Jade into a hug and rubbed her back while closing my eyes. I sensed that most of the people in the restaurant had kinda stopped talking so they could observe the craziness going on at our table, but frankly I didn’t give two fucks about what they thought.

This was what Jade and I needed, and there was no better time than at that moment. Who knew what the next minute held for all of us? Since Amy’s death, that was the one thing I was acutely aware of. One minute we breathed,
we lived
—the next we could be bleeding and dying, our lives ripped from us. There were no fucking guarantees, and I wasn’t taking chances any longer with Jade.

When I opened my eyes and searched for Eva’s face, her expression blew me away. She’d leaned forward and placed a hand on each of my and Jade’s thighs, smiling through her tears. Eva was as much a part of this cathartic experience as Jade and I.

God, she’s beautiful.

Jade leaned back and framed my face with her hands. “I forgive you, Harrison. For the sake of the life I carry inside of me, I think it’s time to move forward and forget the past. Thank you for telling me how you feel. It means more to me than you will ever know.”

Holy fuck.

Words turned out to be exactly the right thing. They had the power to heal. With time and a fuckload of help from these amazing women, I might be able to be set free once and for all from the torment that had taken over my life.

I smiled. The glimmer of hope I’d seen for myself was something I never thought I’d experience.

Eva waved the waitress over. “Our coffees are cold. Can we please have a fresh round?”

The waitress smiled. “Sure, I’ll be back soon.” She removed our cups and left our table.

It was the strangest lunch I’d had in my entire life. What had started out as a reason to see more of Eva had turned on its head and given me what I really needed—more time with Jade.

But I was far from out of the woods. Ryder was still an integral part of this, and I pushed down the uneasy feeling that sooner or later I’d have to face him, too. It was easy to apologize to my sister—after all, I’d always loved her. But Ryder? He was part of the problem and part of the reason I carried hatred and vengeance in my heart.

I’d lived with rage for so long that it had become part of my DNA. Who I was as a person had been shaped by events beyond my control—I was possibly so damaged that I was beyond saving. I wasn’t sure if I could ever let go on my own.

I need Eva.
I needed
her
to save
me
.

Before the waitress returned with the coffee, I had an overwhelming urge to get out of there. It was as if the walls were closing in on me. My chest tightened as I pushed back my chair and with a quick goodbye, I turned on my heels and left as fast as my legs would carry me.

H
arrison never failed to surprise me. He was shutting me out, and it hurt more than I cared to admit.

“Damn it, Harrison,” I cursed under my breath as I watched Jade’s face pale. All the good he’d done was close to being wiped out with his sudden departure. I could fucking strangle him.

His darkness had won. Again.

“I’m sorry, honey.” I pushed my dessert away and rubbed my temples. Harrison gave me whiplash with his change of moods. As soon as I thought he’d made a breakthrough, he disappointed the fuck out of me by reverting back to the old Harrison.

“It’s okay. I’m kinda used to it by now.” Jade placed her hand over mine. “I have no choice but to live with it because he’s my family. And since I’ve moved out of the house, it doesn’t affect me as badly any more. But you . . . Eva, you don’t need to put up with his shit. If Ryder found out, he’d be mad as hell.”

“Ryder doesn’t need to know.” I studied my nails while I organized my thoughts. “I’m a big girl, Jade. I appreciate your concern, but somehow I’m in this whether I like it or not. I’m . . . fuck, I think I’ve fallen for your brother, and I don’t know how to handle it.”

Jade sucked in a breath. “Don’t get hurt, Eva. Harrison is damaged, and he’s just going to break your heart. I don’t want that to happen to you, even if I love my brother.”

I spoke my thoughts out loud. “It may be too late already.”

I’m screwed
.
So fucking screwed.

“I care about you. Be careful.”

“I know, and that means a lot to me. Without you and Ryder to keep me sane, I’d have given up on Harrison a long time ago.”

Jade managed a smile. “How does that work?”

I laughed, although it sounded hollow. “Harrison needs help more than any one of us. You and Ryder have one another. I have both of you. Harrison . . . well, he only has himself. I’ve never met a man as complex and damaged as him, and that’s what first drew me to him. I’ve always had this strange urge to try to help fix broken people. So far I haven’t had much luck with him, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m wasting my time.”

“Oh, Eva. I’m so sorry. Harrison is lucky that you come to his defense in spite of everything.”

Finishing the last of my coffee, I signaled the waitress for the check. I was tired, and I wanted to go home. I was over shopping and over trying to understand men.

“I’m okay, don’t worry. Listen, honey, you must be really tired. I know how exhausted I am. So how about we go home?”

“Yeah, I’m totally drained. Harrison is so damn intense. But I have a better idea. Let’s go for a manicure and pedicure. I can’t reach my feet these days, and I really just need to relax and be pampered.” Jade surprised me with her answer. I expected her to want to go and put her feet up at home, and I was pleased that she wasn’t abandoning me. My spirits lifted and I was ready for the next round. Pampering sounded exactly like what we needed.