Torn (56 page)

Her hands came up to cover her face again. She was shaking her head very slowly from side to side.

‘I didn't raise the subject to hurt you, Jess. I suspected you hadn't faced up …'

She recalled the funeral and the tall, slim, fair-haired man standing beside his brother at the graveside. Repressed emotion informed every angle of his posture from the tautly folded arms, to the tilt of his head and the compression of his mouth. Maybe it was the unfamiliar black clothes, but at that moment she'd suddenly seen Danny afresh and a stunning flash of response had zipped through her body.

Now her hands dropped from her face and she stared ahead blankly, unaware if the blurring was in her own eyes or the sheets of water sliding over the windscreen. She blinked repeatedly before speaking again.

‘Is it love when you can't stop thinking about someone? When you're so frightened for their future it hurts? When you can hardly bear to leave them?' Glancing sideways she saw James pinch his fingers to the bridge of his nose. His chin puckered.

‘Do you really need me to answer that?'

Jess shook her head. ‘Of course, you're right. I do love Danny. I just hadn't admitted it to myself.' Already hoarse, her voice began to thicken and fail. ‘I love him very much.' After a moment taken to regain her composure, she added, almost reproachfully, ‘I thought love was supposed to make you happy!'

He managed a thin smile, as he slumped back into the driving seat and re-buckled the belt. ‘Whatever gave you that idea? Sadly, it has received an over-flattering press, whereas in reality it brings with it a greater potential for pain than any other human transaction. Believe me, I know.' His dark face had gone from transitory amusement to a heavy frown. He turned the ignition again and flicked on the indicator.

‘Why are you being so kind to me, Jay? Why are you telling me all this?'

‘Believe it or not I've grown fond of Dan, God knows why. I should hate the bastard. Besides which I think you'd be good for him.'

‘That's not –'

‘And I love
you
! When you love someone, you want to do everything in your power to help them achieve happiness … fulfilment … even at the expense of your own.'

‘Yes,' she said, recognising the impulse to help Danny at any cost. ‘So what about you and Serena? Why did you try to stop her going for that screen test?'

He sighed. ‘Perhaps that was an indicator of the state of our marriage by that point. Her happiness was no longer my priority. Mine was no longer hers.' The route was growing busier as minor roads became major roads, and then a dual carriageway. The car moved out to overtake a line of slower vehicles.

‘What must I do, Jay? And what about Rory?'

‘Under different circumstances I think I'd enjoy this: you asking my advice! You must do what you want to do. And children are endlessly adaptable. You're an intelligent woman. I can't believe you would want to do anything which would damage him. He needs a happy mother, and he could do with a more permanent male influence in his life. Why not Dan? They'll help each other grow up.'

The last comment elicited a smile from Jessica. Another silence stretched out while she thought. ‘It's all so complicated,' she at last said. ‘Where do I go from here?'

‘Jessica!' James shook his head in disbelief. ‘I didn't expect to have to be arguing Dan's cause on this journey, but … OK, just listen. You are financially independent, have I got that right? It was a factor put before me often in the early days by my mother. Apparently she thought it would be an added inducement to my appreciation of your charms. As it happened, I didn't need an inducement.'

She answered his first question and ignored the rest. ‘Yes, I'm secure. Provided there isn't a further cataclysmic world-wide economic slump. I've a well-diversified portfolio.'

‘So, it seems to me all this has come up at just the right time. You need to move house. Dan has a house and land, unencumbered … unlike mine. Instead of buying a house you can invest in his. It's a good, sturdy, attractive place but it badly needs modernising. And if you're going to run the farm as a business you'll need to invest in that too. Ted let it run down. But I have to warn you, you will never make much, if any, profit from that land, but you could break even, and Dan will be doing what he wants. You need to get all the grants and EU money on offer. Set aside as much land as you can get subsidy for, so that Dan can have fields of meadowsweet and wild orchids, and encourage the skylarks. Perhaps you can develop a bit of market gardening, organic of course, Dan's good at that. Keep it small scale. He's great with horses too, has a real feel for them. Get some for him to breed; he'll be in seventh heaven. You could even try your hands at a few rare breeds. Run it as a farm park so you don't have to sell so much for market … Jess? You look gobsmacked!'

‘I've no expertise in farming! And I'm planning to work myself. Apart from teaching him strategies to overcome the dyslexia, how on earth can I help him farm?'

‘No one said it was going to be easy. But listen, when it comes to husbandry Dan doesn't need help, apart from the physical load. There's Earl, his real dad, next door. And you may need to hire in extra workers for busy periods. But on the business and management side I will do everything I can to help you both. I mean it. Promise. Apart from that, you'll have to make it on love alone.'

Overwhelmed by his kindness yet still daunted by the prospect ahead, Jessica said, ‘But what do you think?'

‘What do I think?' He scratched his head. ‘Christ, Jess! This is really difficult for me. Look, I think if you can get by materially, doing something you want to do, with the person you want to be with, then your life is truly blessed.'

‘But will we make it?'

‘Love doesn't come with a guarantee. There's no way of knowing, without twenty-twenty hindsight, if you've taken the wrong or the right road in life. All you can do is your best. Even when I was deluded enough to think you just might say yes to my proposal, I realised I could be found stabbed in my bed a fortnight later with your fingerprints on the carving knife! I was still willing to take that risk.'

Jess was not deflected by his attempt to lighten the moment. ‘So, how long? If you gave me and you a fortnight … how long do you give Danny and me?'

James took a deep breath, switched on the indicator and they made the turn for Warford. ‘Ten years?' he said, at length. ‘But an amicable parting.'

‘Thanks for that.'

‘And then, if you're lucky, I might still be around, gently breathing on the embers.'

‘Mummy! Mummy!' Rory came charging towards her at full tilt and flung himself into her arms. ‘Mummy, why were you kissing Sasha's daddy?'

‘Hello, darling! I want a kiss from you now. Mwah. I kissed Sasha's daddy because he's a nice man and I like him.' As the car had pulled up, Gilda too came out into the courtyard to welcome Jessica and her son home. A gratified smile suffused her face when, before anything else, Jessica hugged James and kissed him soundly on the mouth. But immediately afterwards he turned away abruptly and strode directly into the house, hand raised, as if to shade his eyes. He either ignored or didn't hear his mother's greeting. Her smile faded to a perplexed frown. She turned and followed him inside.

‘Did you have a nice time?' Jessica asked Rory.

‘I was bored! You were gone a long time!'

It seemed a long time even to her, but as far as he was concerned she'd only been absent since he came out of school at lunch time yesterday.

‘Did Gilda take you to school this morning or did you sneak a day off?'

‘We had the day off! But Mummy, Danny wasn't here! I don't like it so much when Danny's not here. It's boring. I thought we could go and look for wooden enemies in the woods again.'

‘I'm sorry, sweetheart. And it was raining, wasn't it? That's what made it boring, you couldn't play outside. But even if Danny had been around, I've got a feeling those wood anemones aren't up there any more. It's the wrong time of year. Perhaps we can find some toadstools next time we go for a walk. Now, I've just got to go and say goodbye. But then, would you like to go home straight away? Just you and me?'

‘Yea-eah! Can we play
Toy Story
and have soup?'

‘Good idea.'

A year is a long time in the life of a young child. That evening, as she was putting her son to bed, Jessica reflected on his growing maturity since they'd left London. Even so, she couldn't predict how he would respond to the question she was about to ask.

‘Rory, you know we've talked about moving to a new house? And me starting work as a teacher?'

‘Mmmm.'

‘Well … there's a chance we might live in a house a little bit like Sasha's. A house with chickens outside, and a horse. And perhaps some sheep. Would you like to live in a house like that?'

‘Mmmm.'

‘And if there was one person in the world you would like to live with us in the new house, who would it be?' She half expected him to say Sasha, or ‘Violent', or even – her gut sank at the thought – ‘Rawn', though he had barely been mentioned since the surprise visit. The cheap plastic car was in bits and forgotten at the bottom of Rory's car box.

A row of toys, only slightly out of favour, were lined up along a shelf above the bed head. Those completely beyond the pale had been consigned to a black plastic sack in the loft cupboard and were even now probably being eaten by mice. Only his new favourite nestled on the pillow beside his face. Rory moved the character's arms up and down and made the kind of noises only small boys can, as if the plastic cowboy were engaged in a shoot-out with an imaginary foe.

‘Rory? I asked you a question.' His attention had clearly wandered and if he answered her question at all, she would not have been surprised by the answer ‘Woody'.

‘I'd like to live with Danny,' Rory said, after agonising moments had passed. ‘I love Danny.'

On her way downstairs she considered the reactions of her two female friends. Gilda would be utterly dumbfounded. Such a possibility was beyond the realms of her imaginative capacity. And Sheila? Whatever would she make of the decision?

It was only after she felt the tightening in her cheeks that Jessica realised she was grinning. She picked up the phone with a shaking hand.
Please, just let him have his mobile switched on.

Women's Contemporary Fiction

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Published by Accent Press Ltd 2014

ISBN 9781783756872

Copyright ©
Gilli Allan
2014

The right of
Gilli Allan
to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by the author in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

The story contained within this book is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author's imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, electrostatic, magnetic tape, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the written permission of the publishers: Accent Press Ltd, Ty Cynon House, Navigation Park, Abercynon, CF45 4SN