Torn (25 page)

And then a new photo comes up. This one stays on the screens. This one breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces.

Jack and Tara. Their arms slung loosely around each other’s shoulders, laughing. They look like twins.

The band come onstage to cheers and applause. Jack’s eyes seek out mine. He waves at me and I wave back. It takes him a few seconds to notice the screens, but when he does he stops in his tracks. I want to go to him, hold him, touch him, tell him everything will be OK. Tell him I’m sorry.

His hands are shaking as he plugs in his guitar and fiddles about with some pedals at his feet. It looks like he’s muttering to himself, trying to pull himself together.

Dave’s drums kick in and people surge towards the stage. I can’t take my eyes off Jack. He’s on autopilot for the first couple of songs. He barely looks up from his guitar and I know it’s not because he needs to concentrate.

It was Jack’s idea to start with a couple of cover versions. Clearly a stroke of genius – loads of
people are dancing like crazy. There are still a few people (me included) standing or sitting around the edges of the dance floor. Cass is leaning against the wall by the door, still watching. It’s getting creepy.

A few songs in and Jack’s loosening up, starting to enjoy himself. He looks so bloody good up there. He’s sweating and his hair is sticking to his forehead. The muscles on his forearms are taut. His fingers move up and down the frets almost faster than I can see. I want to eat him up. Or tear his clothes off.

We make eye contact and there’s something different there. Something powerful and raw. I’m surprised no one else can feel it.

The end of the set comes round too quickly and there’s no avoiding what’s next. Jack steps up to the microphone and I brace myself for a big, emotional speech.

‘This one’s for my sister.’ That’s all he says. It’s enough though. The mood in the room shifts. People are suddenly still.

The song is even more haunting than the first time I heard it. Jack’s eyes are closed and his voice is surprisingly rich and strong – different from before. I look around to see that everyone’s eyes are on Jack. Even Cass has stopped staring at me for a little while.
Gemma and Sam are right at the front, their elbows resting on the stage. Gemma could probably reach out and touch Jack if she wanted to. She’d better not. The teachers are all grouped at the back of the room. Mr Miles has his hand on Daley’s shoulder. She’s crying in great big heaving sobs.

Daley’s the only one crying at first, but somehow the tears infect the room, and by the time Jack gets to the really quiet bit at the end of the song I’d guess that a good half of the girls in the room are crying. As far as I can see, none of the boys have succumbed. A few of them are awkwardly patting the shoulders of the girls they’re with. Probably working out if this heightened emotional state increases (or decreases) their chances of getting some action tonight.

Jack sings the last line and this time his voice doesn’t crack and I’m glad for him. He bows his head for a second or two and I wonder if he’s praying. It takes a few seconds for the crowd to shake off their stupor and begin to clap. The applause is quiet and respectful at first, but it soon builds and builds and some cheers and whistles are added into the mix. It goes on and on. Jack’s embarrassed. He keeps ducking his head and acknowledging the reaction with a half-raised hand. Spike isn’t so modest: he bows theatrically again and again. Jenks and
Dave are loving it too. They’ve obviously never had a reception like this before. The biggest gig they’ve played before now was some crappy under-eighteens night at a club in Camden. Apparently it did
not
go well.

The band disappear offstage and emerge ten minutes later. Spike is acting like some kind of minor celebrity. He even manages to work in a few high-fives on his way through the crowd.

Jack looks exhausted and I wrap my arms around him. ‘You were amazing,’ I whisper into his ear.

‘Really?’ he whispers back.

‘Yes, really … and you looked ridiculously good up there.’

He squeezes me a little tighter. ‘Oh yeah? You like the whole Rock God thing then?’

I kiss his neck, surprising myself. Public displays of affection seem to be my new thing. ‘I like it a lot.’

We kiss properly and Spike asks if I’m willing to congratulate all the band members in the same way. We ignore him and kiss some more.

Jack pulls away too soon. ‘Um … maybe we should stop?’ he murmurs. He doesn’t sound sure, so I choose to ignore him.

‘Alice … people are staring.’ Who cares? But a quick look over his shoulder confirms he’s right. And
one person in particular is watching us closely. That does it for me.

‘Right, come with me.’ I pull Jack by his hand and he almost loses his balance. We head out into the foyer, passing my would-be stalker on the way. ‘Jack, could you wait here for a second? I’ll be right back.’ I give him a quick kiss and leave him looking puzzled.

I stomp back into the room and stop in front of Cass.

‘What is your problem?’

She smiles sweetly and tilts her head ‘Problem? I don’t have a problem. What makes you think I have a problem?’

‘Stop staring at me. I mean it, Cass.’

‘Oh, you
mean
it. That
must
be serious.’

‘Just … stop it.’ I’m so angry I can’t think of anything else to say.

‘Ah, but it’s so hard to resist watching love’s young dream. You two really are perfect for each other … What could
possibly
go wrong?’

‘Nothing’s going to go wrong.’

She’s glittering with malice now. ‘Hmm … you don’t sound so sure about that, do you? Aw, don’t look at me like that. I’m sure you two will be fine. I mean, it’s not like you’ve got some big, dark secret that would ruin everything, is it? Oh wait – you
do
. I
know
you, Alice. The guilt will eat away at you, more and more each day until you can’t take it any more. Until you tell him.’

‘For God’s sake! When are you going to start listening to me? I’m not going to tell Jack anything!’

‘Tell me what?’

It’s like something off a terrible daytime soap. I didn’t think things like this actually happened in real life. Turns out I was wrong.

Jack’s face is relaxed and open. Cass looks almost as freaked out as I feel.

‘I …’ That’s the best I can do. And here I was, thinking I was a good liar.

‘Tell you that she’s crazy about you,’ says Cass. ‘I said she should tell you how she feels, but she wanted to wait. Our Alice has always been shy when it comes to boys.’ She laughs and pats me on the cheek. She knows how much I hate that, but I’m so grateful for her quick thinking that I could forgive her anything right now.

I shrug and hopefully look just the right level of bashful.

‘Oh, right. Er … cool.’ The poor boy doesn’t
know where to look. ‘I’m Jack, by the way. I don’t think we’ve met?’

Cass sticks out her hand. ‘It’s nice to finally meet you, Jack. I’m Cass.’

They both look at me as if it’s my turn to speak. My heart still feels like it’s trying to burst out of my chest like some kind of alien.

I need to extract Jack from this situation as quickly and painlessly as possible. ‘Jack, do you want to come with me? There’s something I want to show you.’ Makes me sound like a paedophile …
Do you want to come and see some puppies?

‘Consider me intrigued … OK, let’s go.’

Jack and Cass say their goodbyes and I lead Jack away. I turn back to Cass as I steer Jack through the door. I mouth the words ‘thank you’ and she nods.

Jack and I walk through the deserted hallways. It’s dark and eerie, and I might be scared if I was on my own. But Jack’s hand in mine is all it takes for me to feel safe.

‘So what is it you wanted to show me? I bet it’s your locker, plastered with poems about me.’ Since when did he get so cocky? Oh yeah, probably since being told I’m
crazy
about him.

I refuse to rise to the bait. ‘You’ll see soon
enough,’ I say, aiming for sexy and mysterious. The truth is, there is nothing worth showing him in this place, unless you count Ernie the skeleton in the biology lab. He’s pretty special.

I stop when we’re far enough away from the main hall so we can’t hear the music any more. I peek in the window of a classroom I’ve never been in before.

‘In here. Follow me.’

‘Your wish is my command.’ He can be such a perfect geek sometimes.

Pale moonlight glances off the teacher’s desk. Jack moves to turn on the lights, but I stop him. I hop up onto the desk and swing my legs back and forth. Jack wanders round the room, eventually stopping in front of me.

‘Ah, so
this
is what you wanted to show me …’ He gestures to the whiteboard. ‘I can see why. I’ve always wanted to know more about the shanty towns of São Paulo. How did you know?!’ He laughs.

‘Shut up and kiss me.’

He’s surprised at my forwardness, but he doesn’t mind. He is a boy after all. ‘Whatever you say.’

I kiss him hard. My tongue seeking out his with a new kind of desperation. My fingers run through his hair. His hands are on my waist, but I want them everywhere.

I pull him even closer to me so that he’s standing between my legs. My dress rides up my thighs and I don’t care.

After a few minutes he pulls away. ‘What if someone comes?’ The choice of words makes me giggle.

‘Who cares?’ I slip my hands up under his shirt and my fingers roam up his spine. ‘I just want you to kiss me and not ever stop.’ My mouth finds his and I feel out of control with lust.

My fingers find his belt buckle and get to work. I’m struggling with the zipper when Jack grabs hold of my hands. ‘What are you doing?’

I laugh. ‘What do you
think
I’m doing?’ My breathing is ragged. ‘I want you, Jack.’

‘You mean you want to …?
Here?
’ It’s funny how these things are so hard to talk about.

‘Yes, I want to. Don’t you?’

Jack sighs and winces. He leans towards me so our foreheads are touching. ‘Of course I want to. I’ve wanted this for longer than you can imagine. But not like this. Not here.’

‘Why not?’ I think I’m going to cry.

‘It doesn’t feel right, you know? And anyway, I don’t have any … um … condoms.’

I kiss him, biting his lip a little. ‘I don’t care.’
And that’s when I know I’ve lost my mind. What a monumentally stupid thing to say.

‘Alice! You don’t mean that.’

Of course I don’t. I’m not stupid – just horny. And embarrassed. My vision blurs with tears and I turn away, hoping Jack won’t see.

‘Hey, don’t cry … Come on, it’s OK.’ He puts his hands on my shoulders and tries to get me to look him in the eye.

‘I’m fine. Really. Let’s go back to the party.’ I hop down from the desk, straighten my dress and take a deep breath.

‘Are you … ? Are we OK? I don’t want you getting the wrong idea. I want this to happen, but I want it to be right.’ Isn’t it supposed to be the girl who says things like that?
I want my first time to be perfect.
He must think I’m a right slag. I can’t work out whether it’s better if he thinks I’m a slag or a virgin. Tough call.

‘We’re fine. I don’t know what I was thinking. This is really embarrassing.’

Jack puts his arms around me and kisses me on the forehead. ‘Don’t be embarrassed. I’m flattered. Oh God, that sounds really arrogant, doesn’t it? That’s not what I mean. What I’m trying to say is, I feel very lucky that you want to be with me.’

This makes me feel a bit better. ‘Sorry for throwing myself at you.’ I smile to make sure he knows everything’s fine.

He smiles back. ‘Next time I’ll be ready. I can promise you that.’

The rest of the night went quickly, thank God. I couldn’t quite manage to shake off the shame, but at least I managed to hide it from Jack. We danced and laughed and talked. I kept an eye out for Cass, but she must have left early. No such luck with Polly. She seemed to be everywhere I looked – to such an extent that I started to wonder if she was doing it on purpose. But that seemed like a weird thing to do, even for her.

When Jack and I said goodbye, he said one word: ‘Soon.’ And suddenly I felt terrified and not at all ready. This is all very confusing.

Dad picked me up and we stopped for doughnuts on the way home. I gave him a (very) edited version of the night’s events and he asked lots of questions without ever crossing the line into nosiness.

Of course Ghost Tara had a thing or two to say. She was disgusted at how prominent Polly had been in the proceedings. She was worried about Danni. And she called me a ‘right little minx’ for ‘trying to get in Jack’s pants’.

As I tried to sleep, all I could hear was Tara whispering in my ear. At least I think it was Tara. Sometimes I swear the voice is inside my head. And sometimes I swear the voice is mine.

You don’t deserve Jack.

You don’t deserve to sleep.

You don’t deserve to live.

I’ve been dreading Monday the whole weekend: the inevitable, interminable talk about the dance. I swear most people enjoy that bit more than the event itself. It’s all about who was wearing what, who was getting off with who and who was sick in the toilets.