Torn Between Two Lovers (17 page)

I could hardly put one foot in front of the other as I headed for the elevator. I needed to get the hell out of that intensive care unit before I lost my mind. Ever since the doctor told me how bad it was looking for Leon, I felt like I was holding on to my sanity by a thread. How in the world was I supposed to deal with the possibility that they might pull the plug and Leon would be gone? And if he did survive, was I really prepared for the round-the-clock care he would need? The worst part of all was the realization that Michael was the shooter—Michael, who never would have done this if I hadn't invited him back into my life. Why hadn't I left him alone? More importantly, why hadn't I taken his stalking more seriously? I should have known he could become dangerous.

I was exhausted, both physically and mentally. I paced outside the hospital entrance for a while, hoping the fresh air would clear my mind, but it did no good. Maybe some caffeine would help. Even an artificial boost would be welcome right now.

I headed back inside to find the cafeteria but remembered that I'd left my wallet upstairs. Reluctantly, I got back on the elevator, feeling no better than before. Little did I know, I was about to feel even worse.

I saw Jerome sitting in a chair next to the bed, talking to Leon. It actually warmed my heart to see it, because the two of them had never really gotten along in the past. Leon was always so darn homophobic, and Jerome knew it. Add to that all the times I'd cried on Jerome's shoulder when Leon and I fought, and it was no wonder they didn't like each other. One day I would still have to address the whole idea that Jerome had tried to make me believe Leon was cheating, but that could wait. Right now, I had to give Jerome a whole lot of credit. He looked genuinely emotional as he sat there talking to my husband in that hospital bed.

I decided to hang back in the doorway so that Jerome could make his peace with Leon.

“I will make you this one promise, though, because I know in your heart that you really love Loraine. In spite of everything, I know you've always loved her.”

I was moved by his words. He sounded like he finally understood what I'd been trying to tell him all along. We'd had our share of fights, but Leon wasn't a bad man, and our marriage was meant to be.

“No matter what happens, you don't have to worry about her,” Jerome continued. “I'll take care of her for you. And if by chance another man comes into the picture, I'll make it my personal responsibility to make sure he does her no harm.”

I smiled. That might have been the single sweetest thing I'd ever heard. Any hard feelings that might have lingered between me and Jerome were now one hundred percent gone. I was about to walk into that room and wrap my arms around my friend, but I got only one foot inside the door before his next statement stopped me in my tracks.

“I only wish things could have been different between us.”

Something about the way he said it confused me. I mean, I knew he was hurt that Leon made fun of his homosexuality, but “different between us” sounded more personal somehow. He still hadn't sensed my presence. I waited to hear what he would say next.

“I wish you could have loved me the way you loved her.” I watched in shocked silence as Jerome bent down and kissed Leon's hand. “I could have been such a good man to you.”

For a second I thought maybe I was misinterpreting things, but there was no other explanation. It appeared that Jerome had had feelings for my husband. This was almost too much to comprehend. My best friend had had a crush on my husband. Was that the real reason he'd tried to break us up? Maybe Leon had sensed this all along, and that's why he had such a problem with Jerome.

“I still can't believe what the doctors are saying. You have to get through this. I want to hear you tell me again that you love me.”

What the…? I have to be hallucinating,
I thought.

But no, it was real. It was slowly dawning on me that this was much deeper than just some crush he had on Leon. This was something the two of them shared, and what Jerome said next confirmed it in the worst possible way.

“I know I should have reciprocated and told you how much I loved you the last time you were at the house, and I'm sorry.” He wiped away tears. “But I'll always have my memories, and you will always be my Big Poppa. I love you, Leon. I'll never forget the time we spent together.”

“You motherfucker!” I screamed as I pounced on Jerome's back, punching his head and shoulders.

“Oh, shit!” He managed to shove me off long enough to get out of the chair and away from Leon's bed.

“How could you?” I cried, chasing him into a corner of the room.

“What are you talking about?” He shrugged his shoulders like he hadn't just been busted. Little did he know I'd tried that same shit two weeks ago on Leon. It didn't work then, and it damn sure wasn't working now. “I heard everything you said, you bastard. So don't even try to lie, because I know what the fuck I heard.”

He just stood there with a blank expression I wanted to slap right off his face. All the pain and suffering I'd been through—the fights with Leon, the time we broke up, even the fact that I'd started my ill-fated affair with Michael—it could all be traced back to one source. Jerome was to blame for all of it.

“Now I know why you never told me who Big Poppa was,” I said wryly, “and why you tried so hard to break Leon and me up. All the time I thought you cared about me, but I was just in the way, wasn't I?”

“No, Loraine, it's not like that. You're my friend. I love you.”

I slapped him so hard his neck snapped backward.

“Don't you dare tell me you love me. How could you be fucking my husband if you love me?”

Jerome stood up and faced me squarely. “Don't put your hands on me again,” he said. “Now, I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but I'm not going to lie about how I feel when the man I love is dying. Yes, we were together and we were in love, but not enough for him to leave you.”

After so many years fighting for my marriage to survive, then trying to fight my attraction to Michael, and now feeling like I would have to fight to keep my sanity, I had no more strength left to fight with Jerome. “How long?” I asked. “How long were you two fucking behind my back?”

He stood his ground, but tears were welling up in his eyes. “Six years,” he muttered.

“You fucking bastard.”

“Don't act like you're all innocent in this, Loraine. Not when it's your lover, Michael, who's responsible for all this.”

“Too bad he didn't finish the job!”

I glanced over at Leon, and even as he lay there wounded and helpless, all I could think of was how much I hated him at that moment. I was about two seconds away from ripping out all the tubes and knocking over all the machines he was hooked up to. Jerome must have sensed what I was thinking, because he moved between Leon and me.

A nurse walked into the room. It took her a few seconds, but she finally sensed the tension in the room and her eyes traveled between me and Jerome.

“Everything okay?” she asked warily. She had no idea how far from okay everything was.

I pointed at Jerome. “I'd like to introduce you to Leon's next of kin. He'll be making all the medical decisions for him from this point forward. My lawyers will have the papers to you Monday morning.” On that note, I walked out of the room, and hopefully out of both of their lives.

 

I ran out of the hospital more upset than when I'd gone in sixteen hours earlier, running behind the paramedics as they rushed Leon into the emergency room. I'd just found out that Leon and Jerome had been having a six-year affair, and the blow to my ego was ten times worse and a hundred times more devastating than any situation I'd ever been through in the past. Even more shocking was the way that son of a bitch stood his ground as he professed his love for my husband—no, his name is Leon. I will never call him my husband again.

My head was hurting me so bad I couldn't see straight as I stalked around the front of the hospital. I tried to calm myself, but my nerves were so bad I could hardly breathe. This was a woman's worst fear—to find out her husband was sleeping with someone else, and the pain was only intensified by the fact that the other person was a man. I had no idea how I was supposed to feel, but there was one thing I'd made up my mind about right away: I refused to be jealous.

Not of him,
I told myself.
Not of a man. Not of Jerome!

In this situation, jealousy would just be a waste of my emotional energy. I'd been around Jerome long enough to know that when it came to men sleeping with men, we women didn't have a chance anyway. If it had been another woman, I could compete. I could try harder, pay him more attention, make myself more attractive than the other woman, fuck him into submission. But with a man, there was just one simple fact: I had the wrong equipment. What good would it do me to be jealous of Jerome? If that's what Leon wanted, there was not a damn thing I would have been able to do to change it. Unless I found a way to grow a penis, and even if I could, I had no interest in doing that.

Now, don't get me wrong; I was angry. No, I was pissed the fuck off! But I wasn't going to be jealous. As sexy as Leon was, the fantasy was over. If he got up and walked out of that hospital bed right this minute, he would never get any of this ever again. Just the thought of sleeping with a man who slept with other men was just flat out disgusting if you ask me. I didn't even want to imagine what freakish acts they'd committed behind my back. Ugh!

I walked over to the curb and vomited. I retched and I retched until my stomach emptied the little bit of food that was in it.

“Miss, are you okay?”

I snapped out of my fog and glanced in the direction of the voice. It was one of the hospital security guards. I'm sure I looked like a hot mess standing there with tears running down my face, walking around in a daze. To top it off, I was standing in the drop-off area to the hospital and didn't even realize it.

“Yes, I'm okay. Thanks.” I stepped back onto the curb.

“You sure?” He handed me a tissue and I wiped my face.

“I just got some really bad news.”

“I'm sorry to hear that.”

“So am I.” I reached into my bag and took out a stick of gum. Without another word, I popped the gum in my mouth and walked away from the guard.

I wandered toward the parking lot, trying to figure out my next move. It took me a minute to realize I wasn't going to find my car. I had traveled to the hospital in the ambulance with Leon, and now I was stuck. I thought about calling Egypt to come pick me up, but I really didn't want to see her right now. Oh, she'd be sympathetic and everything, but she was happily married, and as bitter as I was feeling, I couldn't stand to be around her at the moment. I cared about Egypt, but inside I was hating, big-time. Why couldn't it have been her man who'd been fucking Jerome?

With no other options, I started walking west toward the Marriott hotel, which I planned on making my new home. I refused to go home, not to that house, not the house I shared with him, at least not until I figured out my next move.

As I walked down Marshall Street toward the hotel, I passed the Richmond Police Station. It was kind of an eerie feeling to know that Michael was behind those walls. If I was honest with myself, I had to accept some of the blame for what he'd done. I should have left him alone after the first time we broke it off, but I was torn between two lovers. I wanted both men, and I never really gave much thought to how unfair that was to Michael. I knew how he felt about me, so the way I rejected him must have been devastating to him. I might as well have put the gun in his hand and pulled the trigger.

Just that thought gave me pause. Suddenly, I wanted to go inside and make sure he was okay. I stood on the sidewalk, looking up at the building for a minute, trying to decide if I was really going in. Then I came to my senses. Walking in there wasn't going to help Michael, and it damn sure wasn't going to help me. I could just imagine the headlines:
LOVE TRIANGLE
!
WIFE VISITS HUSBAND'S SHOOTER IN PRISON
. No, if I was going to help Michael, what I needed to do was get him a good lawyer and do it anonymously.

I turned to continue my journey to the Marriott, but I'd gone only a few steps before I heard Michael's voice calling out my name. He was coming down the precinct stairs.

“Michael…,” I said, and then I wasn't sure what else to say. After all, what does someone say to her ex-lover-turned-violent-offender? Then it finally dawned on me that in spite of his arrest, he was outside the prison walls, and now I was very confused. “I…you…What are you doing here? They told me they arrested you.”

“They did. They just let me go.” He sounded very happy, and he reached out to hug me, but I stepped back, looking at him warily.

“I didn't do it, Loraine,” he explained. “I'm innocent. They've dropped the charges against me. I wasn't anywhere near your house yesterday.”

I gasped. Was it possible that he was telling the truth? So many questions entered my mind at once, but I didn't even know where to start. “Please don't be lying to me, Michael. I couldn't take it if you were lying to me.”

“I'm not, Loraine. Do you really think they would have let me out if I did it?”

I stared at him and tried to process what he was saying. Yes, he was out of jail, but I still didn't understand what was going on. Who else hated Leon enough to shoot him? When the officer told me they'd arrested Michael, they seemed pretty sure that they had the right man. But then again, after what just happened at the hospital with Leon and Jerome, I realized that no one could really be sure of anything, could they?

“I didn't shoot Leon,” Michael said when he realized I was too stunned to say anything. He reached for me again, and this time I allowed him to wrap his arms around me. I collapsed against him and broke down in tears. Michael held me in his strong arms, and for that short period of time, I felt safe and loved.