Torn (21 page)

"You know what, let me get the fuck up outta here before I end up cussing all y'all the fuck out! 'Cause bottom line, that was still my daughter and you still my wife! Period! Unless you want to tell me something different!" Quan questioned, shooting daggers at Mo with his eyes. Not knowing how she felt, Mo stayed silent.

"A'ight, I guess that answers my question. So when it's time for you to be discharged, you be ready by the time I get here." Quan stormed out the room. Mrs. Mitchell followed behind him.

"Get yo' ass back here!" she hissed.

"What mama, damn?!"

"Who in the hell you think you hollering at?" she questioned, poking him in the chest.

"Man, I ain't got time for this. I'm up."

"Not until you answer my damn question you ain't. Now what is going between you and Mo and where were you today?"

"I was out."

"Out ... where?!"

"I was at Sherry's house."

"You still messing with that girl?" Mrs. Mitchell whispered, surprised.

"Mama, it's complicated."

"Complicated my ass! I ain't raise no hoe-ass nigga, Quan!" she snapped through clenched teeth.

"Look, I got a baby wit her, a'ight." Stunned by her son's confession, Mrs. Mitchell took her hand and slapped the shit of Quan.

"What you hit me for?" he barked, holding his cheek.

"I can't believe you, Quan. You got a baby with this girl?

What the hell is wrong wit you?"

"I got caught up."

"You got caught up, a'ight. And while you running around here claiming it's yours, you better get a blood test done!"

"It is mine. He looks just like me."

"And what does Mo think about all of this?" Mrs. Mitchell stood back on one leg and folded her arms.

"She don't think nothing 'cause she don't know and I plan on keepin' it that way."

"You mean to tell me that girl don't know you got a baby on her?"

"No."

"Oh and I guess I'm supposed to keep my mouth shut." She rolled her neck.

"That's the plan."

"So this is the bullshit you got that girl going through at home? You over there having babies on her and shit!"

"Here you go," Quan shot sarcastically.

"You damn right here I go! I can't believe you, Quan. So what is it, a boy or a girl?"

"A boy."

"What's his name?"

"Jayquan Junior."

"And how old is he?"

"Nine months."

"Nine months?" Mrs. Mitchell shook her head. "So you have kept this baby a secret for almost a year and ain't told nobody?"

"Diggy and Cam know."

"Diggy? Cam? Who in the hell are they? They ain't no goddamn body!"

"But mama--"

"Don't but mama me! See what happen when yo' dumb ass try to be slick? You sittin' up here lying and cheatin' and for what? You ain't hurtin' me. I ain't got to deal wit the baby. The only person you're hurting is yo'self and that girl in there in that room, 'cause when she finds out, she's gonna be devas-tated. But you gon' have to deal with the outcome of your actions. Just like you had to deal with them today," Mrs.

Mitchell shot with disgust in her eyes, before walking away and leaving Quan there to digest her words.

Back inside the room, Mo asked Mina, "Is my daddy here?"

"No, sweetie. He said ... he wasn't coming."

"Oh, ok," Mo nodded, pursing her lips together so she wouldn't scream.

"Are you gon' be okay?" Mina questioned, sincerely worried about her friend.

"Yeah, I'm gon' be alright. Look, can you just give me a minute alone please."

"Sure, sweetie. I need to call and check on Victor and the kids anyway."

Once Mina was gone, Mo looked up at the ceiling and took a long deep breath. It was taking everything in her not to belt out and scream. She wanted so bad to hoop and holler and ask God why, but since a child she was taught not to question God.
Whatever happens in your life has already been prede-termined,
she could vividly hear her mother say.

But right now, Mo needed answers and the one person who held all the answers was God. She knew that the saying goes: time heals all wounds and forgiveness is the key, but right now Mo was mad as hell and she wasn't ready to make nice. Right now she wanted to kick and scream. She needed to feel alive again because the moment the words
she didn't make it
escaped Quan's lips, she felt as if she'd been swallowed up into a bottomless pit and spit back out.

As she lay back and rubbed her belly, trying desperately to feel the sensation of her daughter kicking, Mo realized that life as she knew it would probably never be the same. By losing her baby she had paid the ultimate price and she wasn't sure if she wanted to go on or not. No one would be able to understand her pain anyway. Everyone would assume that after a while she was supposed to move on and be over it. But what they wouldn't understand was that her heart felt as if it had been ripped from her chest and splattered onto the cold linoleum floor. They wouldn't understand that the one person she relied on the most had let her down in the worst possible way.

They wouldn't understand that the moment she learned her baby died, her soul went right along with her. They wouldn't understand that no matter how many "Sorry for Your Loss" cards she received that nothing, absolutely nothing in the world, would mend the crack in her heart.

It was discharge day and Quan was on the way to the hos- pital to get Mo. Bumping Jay-Z's "
Song Cry
" he tried his best to not be upset, but found it very hard not to be. The past two days had been nothing but pure hell for him. Not only had he lost his baby girl but Mo was giving him the silent treatment.

If that wasn't bad enough, the words she'd spewed at him the day before were stuck in his head like a song stuck on repeat.

It's your fault my baby's dead! Ask Quan why Heaven is
dead!
Quan shook his head and bit into his bottom lip to stop himself from exploding. He knew he had fucked up, but for Mo to place all the blame on him for their baby's death was past being hurtful, it was cruel. He would give anything to rewind time and to do things differently, but what was done was done. There was no turning back. And as cruel as it might seem, the death of their baby had to be put in the past.

Besides, the doctors told him that high blood pressure and stress is what caused the miscarriage. Quan was confused. He and his mother had been preparing all of Mo's meals, and yes they'd had a few arguments here and there, but that couldn't have caused her that much stress. The shit just wasn't adding up so Quan did some digging.

While Mo was in the hospital, he searched the house. He found a boat load of snacks in Mo's closet. He was so disappointed in her. Everything in him wanted to go off on her like she'd done him, but two wrongs wouldn't make a right. Now wasn't the time anyway. Blaming each other would only make the situation worse.

As he pulled up to the hospital's entranceway, Mo was dressed and ready to go just as he'd asked her to be. Since she was still a little weak from the cesarean section, she was accompanied by a nurse's aide in a wheelchair. Quan wasn't even out of the car yet and all eyes were on him. Every chick in the waiting room couldn't wait to see who was driving the tricked out white on white Navigator.

All were pleased to see a six foot two caramel thug, donned in a black Yankee fitted cap, black goose down coat with fur around the hood, black thermal, Evisu jeans and Tims hop out. A platinum chain with an iced-out Jesus piece hung from his neck. Disgusted, Mo simply shook her head and thought,
if they only knew
. Strutting into the hospital looking like a ghetto superstar, Quan stopped and gave Mo a light kiss on the cheek. Mo wiped her face feeling as if she'd been given the kiss of the death.

"You ready?" he asked, disregarding her response to his subtle embrace.

"Yeah," she replied, dryly rolling her eyes.

After signing her discharge papers, Quan, along with the nurse's aid, escorted Mo outside to the truck. Once she was inside and safe and secure, Quan hopped in and sped off. The entire ride home was quiet, despite the few times he'd tried to make small talk.

"You want something to eat?" he asked.

"No thank you."

"You sure, 'cause we can stop at McDonald's on the way home."

"I said no thank you," Mo snapped.

Tired of trying to be nice, Quan gave up. If Mo wanted to act silly then that was her business. He didn't have time for her dramatic bullshit.

Caught up in her thoughts, Mo sadly gazed out the window and admired the snow-covered ground. Everything outside looked so peaceful and serene. Mo wished with all her might that she could feel the same way, but deep down inside she knew that probably would never come true.

Before either of them knew it, they were home. Mo needed help, so Quan helped her up the steps. He knew that she wouldn't want to sleep in their bed any time soon, so he escorted her into one of the guest rooms and tucked her snug-ly into bed. Ironically, it was the room right next to Heaven's.

The fireplace was on and crackling, giving the room a warm and toasty feel.

Once she was good and comfortable, he asked, "You gon' be a'ight?"

"Yeah, could you turn off the light for me?" she replied, gloomily gazing at the wall.

Doing as he was asked, Quan quietly turned off the lamp on the nightstand and climbed into bed with her. For a while they just lay there in silence. Neither of them could think of anything to say, even though so much needed to be said.

Then, finally, Quan reached out his hand for Mo.

She wanted to put up a fight and resist, but once her face was rested on his chest she was instantly reminded of home, and tears began to pour from her eyes. Each drop landed on his shirt as Quan pulled Mo up and onto his body. Face to face, he used his fingers to push a few strands of hair that was covering her eyes away. Mo's entire body was shaking, she was so upset.

With her face in his hands, Quan gazed into her red, swollen eyes. For the first time he saw just how miserable she was.

Unable to look at him without thinking of the loss of their baby and all those other women, Mo closed her eyes. She couldn't bear the thought of forgiving him so soon, even though her heart was desperately begging her to.

Sensing her hesitancy to let him in, Quan gently kissed her forehead, eyes, nose and cheek. He had to make her see that despite the hardship they were facing, everything would be alright. He had to make her see that he would never leave her side. He had to make her understand that there would never be a day where he wanted or needed to be without her by his side.

"I
love
you," he confessed. "I love you so fuckin' much sometimes it hurts."

Overwhelmed with emotion, Mo lay still and continued to cry. She wanted to speak but found it hard to find the right words to convey what she really felt.

"You are my life. I can't even see me living on this earth without you. But all this blaming me for the baby's death ain't cool."

"I know," she whispered, barely able to speak. Her face was soaking wet with tears. Snot oozed from her nose. Mo could hardly breathe. "But where were you, Quan? I needed you. I needed you and you wasn't there." She sobbed.

"A nigga just caught up, ma."

"Caught up doing what? I needed you!"

"I know you did, and I'm sorry." He caressed her cheek.

"I called and called but you wouldn't answer," she sniffed, wiping the snot from her nose.

"Look, ma ... what's done is done. I can't go back and change time and neither can you. I understand that you're hurting, but you gotta let this shit go before you kill yourself.

I mean, look at you. You got snot coming out your nose and everything," he joked, trying to make her laugh.

"Stop. It's not funny." She hit him in the chest. "You really hurt me."

"I know I did, but we gotta move on."

"It just hurts so bad."

"I know it do, but just let me be there for you. Let me take all the pain away."

Physically drained, Mo stopped questioning things and decided to let everything go. Besides, Quan was right. Heaven was gone and there was nothing he or she could do to bring her back. Plus, she was tired of arguing and fighting. She knew his excuse for not being there was a lie, but Mo pushed that aside. She couldn't deal with that right now. Right now she had to focus on getting her strength up and getting her life back on track, so in her mind to live with a lie felt far better than to die from knowing the truth.

10

The Way I Do

To Mo's surprise, since coming from the hospital, Quan
had been nothing but a perfect angel.
When he wasn't taking care of business, he was at home waiting on her hand and foot.