Torn (Torn Heart) (21 page)

“So, what’s the plan?”

I look at Randa in confusion. “For?”

We walk past Victoria’s Secret, and I almost turn back and go in there. I love the panties and I’m in need of more thongs. Yes, I like thongs. I’ll admit it.

“For the holidays. Are you doing anything with your family?”

“Oh, yeah.
What kind of question is that? I don’t know if Brandon is gonna be part of it, but Jared said something about us getting together.” I didn’t ask if Jackson would be there. Wouldn’t he? It is Christmas after all.

“Cool. We’re spending it with his family.
” Randa grabs Ian’s hand. “I’m pretty excited.”

“Can we stop at VS before we leave?” I ask her quietly.

Randa casually says, “Yes, we can stop at Victoria’s Secret on the way out. No problem, Sky.” She winks at me.

My face warms, I bump her shoulder. “Thanks for the subtleness. I was trying to be discreet.” She just laughs; telling me shopping for lingerie is nothing to be ashamed of.

We stop at a game store and a few other stores, including Victoria’s Secret. We leave the mall.

“So we should shoot some pool at the place Jackson took us to.” I nod in agreement.

We get in Ian’s Corolla, and nonchalantly, I check my phone, not expecting anything, but I can’t help but wish I’d get a surprise message from a certain someone. Wishful thinking. I toss it back into my purse and sigh. “Sure, sounds great. I could go for some nachos.” I smile at the memory of our first date and how I pigged out on Jackson’s. They were so cheesy and filling, smothered with jalapenos. I lick my lips and watch the road fly by in a dark blur.

We spend the next hour bowling, the game distracts me and I find myself having fun and even throwing in some humor about my granny-style moves. I watch other people bowl and think about joining a league. That’d be fun.

Chapter 25

Jackson

Work’s been kicking my ass. I’m trying hard to save up for an apartment. I work as much as
Mick’ll let me. Though he doesn’t ask what my motives are, he’s just happy to let me help around the shop. He’s even offered to train me as management. I turned it down though. I’d rather be outside and working on the cars, getting my hands dirty than cooped up in the office all day, doing paper work. I’m not even sure how long I plan to work here; this is just to get my foot in the door. But hey, maybe it’ll turn into something long-term. It is a major step down from my original football career I was planning.

But then again, life does always throw a curve ball when we least expect it.
I just have to embrace it.

“Jackson.” I look up as Mick comes outside. I’m putting the tools away and cut myself on a screw. He watches me. “You’re free to go. You’ve worked hard today.”

“Thanks, Mick.” I wash my hands and apply pressure to my finger. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He turns to leave, but then turns back to me. “Tell that son of mine he better be at Christmas dinner.” I nod, “And you’re welcome to join us too.
If you want.”

I’m not sure what to say, so I just mumble a ‘thanks’ and clock out of my shift before heading to the parking lot. I light a cigarette and get behind the wheel.

My phone beeps right away and I snatch it off the dash and check the message.

Jake: Are you off yet? Come by the house, we’ve got a party going on.

Am I in the mood for a party? Not tonight.

Me: Another night, I’m exhausted and in need of a shower.

Jake: Cool. Check ya later.

Me: Your dad said your ass better be at Christmas dinner.

Jake: Yeah yeah, we’ll be there.

I put my phone in the center console and take off for home.
I consider stopping at Skylar’s house, but I’m not ready to see her. It’s not that I’m mad at her; I just need to get over my insecurities before we talk. I miss her like fucking crazy, but my stubborn asshole isn’t ready to confront her.

I’m being irrational, and I know it. It’s just the fact that she didn’t trust me enough to tell me about New York when she had the chance. I wouldn’t have made her choose; I knew she’d get great opportunities and she deserves it. But then why’d she feel the need to keep it from me? Was she afraid I’d be unsupportive?
Never. Still, the abandonment issues I’ve suffered over the years play a part in not letting anyone in. I just didn’t expect to have to really worry about Skylar doing it to me.

I get home and it’s quiet, which is a relief when you’re constantly around noise. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t ready to go back to school now.

I hop in the shower and do my business without interruptions of my thoughts. I dry off, get dressed and decide to take a nap. It’s too cold, so a trip to the park is out of the question for me.

Later that night, I end up at Jared’s apartment for burgers and hot dogs. His girlfriend went out with friends, so it’s just us. Sitting on the couch, flipping through Netflix, I consider my plans for Christmas. I’ve no idea what’s going on but I may go to dinner with Jake and Monica.

Jared clears his throat, grabbing my attention. “How’s work?”

“Fine, busy, tiring.” I answer.

“You get enough money for an apartment yet?”

“No, I suppose in a month I will. I wanna save enough for at least 3 months’ rent.” I pick up my plate and lick the mayo dripping from the sides of my burger. He watches me, studiously.  “What?” I ask, annoyed.

Looking away he mutters, “Nothing.” And he continues his own dinner.
We sit in silence, watching Rocky.

Jared sets his plate on his coffee table and leans back, glancing at me. “So, when are you
gonna quit being so stubborn?”

I should’ve known this would come up sooner or later. I shrug in response, dipping my fry in ketchup.

“Come on, Jackson. You know you’re being unreasonable.”

I drop my head back and rub the sides of my head, annoyed. “I don’t
wanna talk about this with you.” I clench my hands, desperate for control.

“So
talk to Skylar about it. You owe it to her to listen. She didn’t do it to hurt you.” I sit in silence. He gets up to put his dishes away and cleans up the kitchen. “For God sakes’, you’re punishing her for what mom did. She’s not like that and you know it.” Why’d I bother coming here when all I hear is my brother lecturing me? I still take in his words because all he’s doing is speaking the truth.

I make an effort not to lash out at him for the remainder of the visit. I know he means well, it’s just my stubbornness that screws me over. I know I’m wrong,
yet I hate admitting it.

Later that night, I can’t sleep. I lie in the dark, thinking about my mother’s last words when she left;
mommy’s going away for a little while. Don’t wait up for me.

I was six. I cried for days, waiting by the door, hoping she’d return. I never saw her again; until I was at the same store she happened to be two towns over. I was fifteen. I confronted her and denied knowing who I was. I could see the recognition in her eyes, though. A mother never forgets their children, even if they abandon them. I went home and burned all the pictures I had of her.

How could a parent abandon their child? Don’t they know how much it affects them in the long run? How every time another family gets together, that child is left wondering why they couldn’t have that too? What makes them less deserving of a mother
and
father?

I kick my blanket off and sit up, rubbing my eyes. I check the time on my clock; 3:30.
Too late to go to Jake’s. Or too early.

I take another shower and head to the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee.

I startle when my dad pads in. He looks up, surprised to see me up at this hour. “Do I have the clock set wrong?”

I shrug, “Can’t sleep.”

He points to the pot. “Pour me a cup, would you?” I do. And we sit at the table in silence. “What are your plans for Christmas dinner?”

Remorsefully
I say, “Going to Jake’s, probably.”

He nods as though he expected that kind of answer, which makes me feel like
shit for bailing on the family. But they’d be better off without me.

“Look, how about we go fishing after the holidays.
Just you and me.”

He taps his finger on the table and perks up a bit. “Okay, we can do that.” He sips on his drink and looks up. “How’s work?”

“It’s work.”

“Welcome to the real world, son.” He smiles, “I’m proud of you. Things look gray right now, but they’ll brighten eventually. Have faith.”

I try to smile, I really do. But it looks like my face is deformed, so I relax my mouth and take another sip. But then I ask, “Do you ever think about mom anymore?”

My dad appears stunned by my question, but he thinks about it for a second. He sighs and says, “It’s been years now. But I can’t say I haven’t hoped she’s okay, happy even.”

I raise a brow, incredulous. “Why would you wish that for her?” My voice comes out gruff, that’s an appalling statement to hear coming from the man who was left behind.

He’s quiet for a minute, studying me. Maybe I should’ve kept my mouth shut. I seem to speak without much thought on feelings involved.

He carefully says. “I may have been hurt and confused in the beginning, but I’m not completely heartless. Sometimes things don’t work out and we have to accept them. Even if they suck. But hey, you boys turned out just fine.”

Maybe I’m just heartless then because I’d never wish for her to be okay. She destroyed our family
, left my dad alone, and left two kids without a mother. Why should she get to be okay when we’re left in the dust?

“Jackson, your mother leaving has nothing to do with what’s happened between you and Skylar, right?”

I bite my bottom lip and look away. “You mean mom’s leaving has nothing to do with why I have trust issues and worry about others letting me down? No, not at all.”

“Jackson.” His warning tone does nothing to quell my anger, but I shove it down as deep as I can, for his sake. He’s not the one I’m mad at, but it’s not like I
can yell and curse at the woman responsible. “You know she’s not like that. Skylar loves you, she’d never hurt you purposely.”

“I’m just ready to be over this stupid holiday and get back to school.” I get up and wash my cup. “I’m
gonna go out for a run.” Even though it’s freezing outside, maybe it’ll numb my irritation. I throw on my coat and gloves in hopes I can clear my head of all motherly thoughts.

I just need to get through this weekend.

Chapter 26

Skylar

“Okay, so did you find Clay’s actions understandable?” Sitting in IHOP for our book discussion, Monica and I sip on coffee.
Okay, I sip on coffee, while she drinks her tea. Since she couldn’t be around Starbucks coffee beans, this is the next best thing.

I order an omelet; she orders a chicken Caesar salad.

Folding my hands on top of the table, I force my eyes to stay on hers, instead of straying to her baby bump that is now more noticeable. It’s super cute. “I don’t know what it’s like to suffer PTSD, so honestly, I find it very heartbreaking. For both of them. Maggie for being dragged into such a downward spiral mess, but Clay for having no one to give him the proper support or love he deserves. Ah, I hated his parents.”

Just thinking about it makes me sad. How could parents treat their child’s illness as a curse instead of helping them through it? It’s not their fault. I dab at my eye with my finger and my tears, which suddenly fall one by
one have nothing to do with the book anymore.

Monica just stares at me, uncertainly. “Are you okay?”

I nod my head, “Yeah, sorry. I’m just emotional. Stupid girl problems.” I take a sip of my coffee, but it’s a bitter taste as it’s now cold. “Bleh. Cold coffee, I hate cold coffee.”

“You should come to the house.” I look up and open my mouth to decline but she rushes in and says, “He won’t be there.”

I sit back and think about it for a minute as the waitress returns with more coffee. Thank God. I smile and thank her before she walks away.

“Come on, we can take you to see lights in our neighborhood, they’re so beautiful.” She smiles, wiggling her eye brows. I laugh at her efforts. “You know you
wanna go with us.”

“Alright,” I relent. “Fine, I’ll go. But only because I
wanna go, not because you looked too cute begging.”

She smiles, satisfied. “Good, it’ll be great.”

We finish our food, pay and leave.

Once we’re at their house, we pile into Jake’s corolla and take a ride around the neighborhood. He blasts the music for the first twenty minutes of the ride, but it’s okay because the lights weren’t that exciting, until we get to this neighborhood that’s all decked out in decorations and lights. It’s like they all banned together and fixed up their house for a competition. I have the sudden urge to get out and take a gander up close.

I tap on Monica’s shoulder and say, “I
wanna get out and walk around.”

She looks to Jake and shakes her head. “Yeah, can we get out for a little bit, babe?”

“Sure.” He finds a place to park on the street and we get out.

I grip my coat around me tighter. I forgot gloves so I
have to keep my hands inside the pockets, but I did bring a hat, so at least my ears will stay warm.

I walk ahead of Jake and Monica; I can hear him singing Christmas carols, to the baby I’m assuming. I smile to myself, humming along with him. My dad and I loved singing Christmas carols together.

“You doing okay up there, Sky?”

“I’m great, Jake.
Just admiring your singing.”

He chuckles. “You should hear me in the shower.”

“Be glad you don’t hear him in the shower.” Monica chimes in with a laugh.

“Hey! I love my voice, thank you very much.”

I continue listening to their bickering, staying out of it. He’s not tone deaf, but he’s definitely no Jared Leto or Adam Levine either. Still, it’s sweet to hear him sing to his unborn baby.

It’s suddenly too cold to continue this walk. We’ve seen some great lit up houses, but I’m ready for warmth again. I turn back and ask if we can head back to the car and drive around some more. They agree.

When Monica’s securely inside the car, Jake stops me before I open the door. He runs a hand through his hair, nervously.

“Are you okay?” He finally asks when he stops his pacing.

“I should be asking you that question.” My teeth chatter from the cold but I ignore it. “Yes, I’m okay. I just miss my dad this time of year.”

“I’m sorry. It must be hard.” He leans his side against the door.

“You’ve no idea.” I glance in the car but Monica’s not paying attention to us. “How’ve you been with the pregnancy?”

He shifts his gaze to where mine just was and smiles. “I’m good. Nervous as shit about being a father, but I know we’ll get through it somehow.” He looks back at me, “Just like you Jackson will.”

I shift from one foot to the other, putting some circulation in my body for warmth. I don’t say anything, just smile and hope that he’s right.

Finally we get back in and the rest of the drive we’re quiet. Every now and again, I’ll catch his eye in the mirror. I’m glad I have friends who care.

“Hey Sky?” I lean in close to the seat and look at Monica. “Would you like to come shopping with me sometime soon? I’m in need of maternity clothes and I’d love your company.”

“I’d love to come. Just don’t ask me for fashion advice. Now
Randa on the other hand, she’d be perfect for that.”

“Awesome. I’ll invite her too, then.”

We talk about making plans soon as we pull up to my house. I hope out of the car and lean into her window. “Thanks for inviting me out tonight guys. I had fun.”

“Don’t be a stranger, Skylar.” Jake shakes a finger at me, in a non-threatening way of course. “You’re still our friend, no matter what. Come over any time.”

“Thanks.” I wave to them and head up the porch steps as I get my house key out. I pop the door open and walk into the living room where my mom and Brandon are on the couch watching a movie.

“How were the lights, honey?” My mom asks.

I plop down next to her and lay my head on her shoulder. “They were great. I had fun.” I look to Brandon, “What are you guys doing?”

He grins and says, “Your mother here hasn’t seen Star Wars, so I brought the first three movies over so she could see what she was missing.”

I chuckle. “Nice. Yeah, she doesn’t watch a lot of movies. And definitely not the greater ones.” I catch her frown, “Speaking of which, I’m retreating to my room to watch Christmas Vacation.” I kiss her cheek and get up. “Have nice night.”

“Jared and Paul will be here tomorrow for lunch and dinner.” Giving her the thumbs up, I ascend the stairs to my room. After I’ve got my DVD player ready, I climb into bed wearing my fuzzy wool socks and pull the covers to my chin, watching my favorite movie until I fall asleep.

For lunch we ordered pizza.
It’s the perfect weather for that too, because it’s been raining off and on all day. It’s very cold rain too, and they call for snow, which would be the best Christmas dream come true ever. White Christmas? Yes please. I’m only missing one thing to complete this day.

Sitting on my bed with Jared, we go through my yearbooks and point out old crushes. He shows me the ones he was close to and where they’ve all gone now. Hannah was his girlfriend during their sophomore and junior year, but then her family uprooted to Tennessee.

“She hated it there. They lived in a smaller town than we do. So as soon as she saved up some money, she quickly got the hell out of there.” He tells me stories from when they dated back then. I love hearing it all.

I lie on my stomach, flipping through the pages. “I’m glad she came back,
Jare. But what’s in Tennessee? Besides country singers and such.”

He makes a face. “I’ve no idea, but please tell me you don’t
actually
listen to country music, Sky.” I don’t answer or look his way. “Sky! What happened to my Oldies freak?”

He bumps my arm with his foot. “Hey, I still listen to Oldies. But now, I’m more open when it comes to music. I listen to just about everything; except Jazz.” And I’ve tried listening to even that. Goodness, does that put me to sleep.

I watch as he gets off my bed and waltz over to my bookshelf, scanning my CD’s. I’ve got mostly alternative rock and some pop in there. I let him scrutinize my taste while I go back to looking through old photos. A picture of Amber and Jackson catches my eye; it was during our sophomore year and they were crowned for Homecoming court. He looked happier, she looks well, the same. At least her smile appears genuine.

“Really?”
I look up through my eyelashes when Jared holds up a CD. I squint to get a better look. “Counting Crows?”

I roll my eyes and glance down at the picture again. “I had a thing for Adam
Duritz. And his voice was angelic.”

Now Jared rolls his eyes but I ignore it. I’ll admit
, I had some questionable taste back in the day. But it can’t be worse than Justin Beiber; no offense to all the fans. Music just isn’t what it used to be.

I sigh loudly.
“He was happy playing at one time, wasn’t he?”

Jared sticks the CD back, digging through the next lot. “I imagine so; he’s making millions on tour.”

I tilt my head in confusion, “I was talking about your brother.”

He smiles embarrassingly, “Sorry. You didn’t specify. I thought you were still talking about Adam.” He scratches his head for a minute
. “He was once, happy to be playing. But the more he thought about what he wanted; it became more of filler for him, a temporary solution until he decided to let himself be happy with his own dreams. One of his dreams as a kid was a firefighter.”

Jared moves back to the bed, my CD assortment forgotten. “He used to dress up once a week for a month as his biggest dream job. And every week he was a firefighter.”

I lean back against my headboard, getting comfortable, enjoying the stories of the boy I didn’t always see.

He looks off, as if picturing his little brother saving lives. “I could see him fighting fires. He always did like playing with matches.”

I reach for his hand until he finally looks at me, “Thanks for sharing a side of Jackson I didn’t always get to see.”

He smiles sadly. “No problem. I just hope he doesn’t take up drugs or alcohol to numb the pain. That’s not a healthy solution.”

I shake my head, “I won’t let him. I’ll do what I can to help him realize that he’s still loved.” I can feel my eyes begin to water and I blink them back, but the tears fall anyway. Stupid tears.

He pulls his hand away and clears his throat. “Let’s go downstairs and see if our parents need any help.” He leaps off the bed and waits.

I stow away my yearbooks in the box I got them from and put them back in the closet before joining him.

In the kitchen, Paul and my mom finish preparing our turkey dinner.

I walk to the sink and wash my hands. “Do you need any help?” I peer out the window. “It’s snowing!” I beam. “It’s really snowing!” It’s not exactly sticking but snow is falling from the sky and that’s what matters to me.

My mom sets some food on the table. “We don’t need any help, sweetie. Dinner’s about done.” My mom kisses my cheek.
“Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.”
I reply.

We take our seats once the table is set. I inhale the scent of all the delicious food, wondering if I’m
gonna be able to eat dessert when I finish this. An idea pops into my head. “I’ll be right back.” I run to the living room and grab the remote, flipping through the channels until I find the Christmas tunes, but keep it on a low volume.

When I get back in, my mother smiles at me.
“Oh yes, great idea honey.”

Paul exhales a breath, “Alright everyone, let’s dig in.” He glances at me and smiles brightly.
I can’t help but smile back. I’m missing the two most important people in my life, but I’m also grateful for those I do have. I slide my gaze to Jared’s and he smiles too. I smile back at my best friend, thankful he’s always been there for me. And wherever Jackson may be, I hope he’s not alone.