Total Control (19 page)

My phone beeped. It was a text from Dana asking if I was okay. I told her I was great and they should stay as long as they want
ed to. Then I heard a light knocking on the door. I hesitantly walked toward it. I looked out the peephole. It was Sean giving me a goofy face.

“Who is it?” I asked, smiling.

“You know who it is. You’ve already seen me through the peephole.” He chuckled.

“I saw someone,” I said
. “But I don’t know if I should open my door to someone with crossed eyes and their tongue sticking out.”

“I have pizza and ice cream.”

I swung the door open. “Why didn’t you say so?” We laughed.

He held them up
. “Girls in the movies always want Ben & Jerry’s when they’re upset.”

He was so sweet. “What about the pizza?” I asked.

“I was hungry, and I hate eating alone.”

I let him in and got him a soda. “I hope you’re planning on sharing that pizza with me.” I sat down on the floor in front of the coffee table where he’d set it.

He laughed. “You seem to be in a better mood. I’m glad. I was worried about you.”

“You’re sweet, thank you. Yes, I’m in a much better mood. It’s funny how you can think about something all day and never quite see the whole picture.” I took a big bite of pizza.

“Sometimes we only see what we want to see.” He took a big bite of his and it reminded me of watching Ethan eat pizza as we sat on his countertops.

“How old are you?” He seemed wise beyond his years.

“Why?” he asked.

“
Just curious.” I shrugged my shoulders and took another big bite. “You don’t have to tell me, it doesn’t matter.”

“I’m twenty-nine. How old are you
?” He was older than I’d thought. Of course, I’d never been good at guessing people’s ages.

“Why?” I raised my eyebrow and took another big bite. I was really hungry for some reason.

“I’m just wondering at what age your senses come back to life after sex.” I about choked on my pizza. He took another bite of his, trying to act serious, but I could tell he was amused with himself.

I recovered from what could’ve been an embarrassing situation, and took a drink. “Well, in my case, it took until I was forty. Why
? Are you worried that your senses are, how should I say it, prematurely aging?”

He laughed
. “Don’t worry, Gia. I know the Heimlich maneuver. Maybe you should take smaller bites. No, my senses are fine. It must be a woman thing, maybe pre-menopausal?” My mouth dropped open and I threw my crust at him. I loved that kid. He was funny, not to mention, brave.

“
Well played. I guess I’ll need to watch my punches around you, you jab back!” I laughed and reached for the ice cream.

He reached into his back pocket, pulled out a plastic spoon in cellophane, and tossed it to me. “I knew we’d have fun hanging out,” he said. “You’re always so full of it on the elevator and I can’t jab back, so this is great.”

“I think I like you better when you have to keep your mouth shut. Where’s your spoon?”

He laughed. “I know you do, and that’s just playing dirty. I just brought the ice cream for you,” he said. “Of course, if I would’ve known you were going to eat half my pizza, I would’ve brought two spoons.”

I shook my head. “Just like a man, waving something you want right under your nose, just tempting you to take it, but when you do, he bitches about it. Here, I’ll share my spoon with you.”

He took the spoon and scooped up a bite. “Just like a woman,
taking shit that doesn’t belong to her, like you owe her or something. Mmm, that’s good, no wonder all the broken hearted women eat it.”

“You watch a lot of romantic comedies, don’t you? Yes, this is good
—it probably could heal a broken heart.” I picked it up and looked at the nutrition label.

“Yeah, I do
. So what? I don’t think you want to read that.”

“Shit! Look at that.” I h
anded it to him. “Four servings, my ass. So, let’s hear it.”

“Those broken hearted women must really work out.” He set it back down between us. “Hear what?”

“The story about the woman or man who broke your heart so badly that you had to turn to sarcasm, spite, romantic comedies, and Ben & Jerry.”

“What do you mean, ‘or man’
? Do you think I’m gay?”

“It doesn’t matter, I don’t judge. Just call the person who broke your heart ‘Pat’
—that could be either or.” He threw his wadded up napkin at me and I fell against the floor laughing at his expression.

He just shook his head at me. “Her name was Gretchen,” he said. I could tell he was about to tell me what had happened, so I sat back up and gave him my full attention. He told me all about her, the way she looked, smelled, kissed
, and loved. He made her sound perfect, because that’s exactly how he saw her. I could tell he loved her with his whole heart and it sounded like she felt the same for him. His eyes welled up with tears a couple of times as he told me how they’d met and the things they’d planned to do in the future. He’d proposed to her on Christmas morning, which was her favorite holiday, in front of the Christmas tree. They were late getting to dinner at her parents’ house that day because they made love right there in front of the tree for two hours after she’d said yes.

“My life was perfect,” Sean said
. “Until New Year’s Eve. We had plans to go skiing in Colorado. Gretchen had to work in the morning, so we booked an afternoon flight. We’d be there by evening and planned to watch fireworks from the slopes at midnight.” He hesitated and my eyes filled with tears as I felt his world about to crumble. “Gretchen was on her way home from work. I’d just talked to her and she was giddy with excitement for the trip. While she was stopped at a light, she was hit from behind by a semi. The driver had apparently lost consciousness because of an unknown medical condition and Gretchen didn’t stand a chance. In an instant I lost my everything.”

“Oh my god, Sean
—I’m so sorry.” I had tears running down my face as I reached across the table for his hand. He took it and gave me a little smile.

“Thanks, Gia. It’s been almost five years since I lost her. I’ll never be the same, but I think I may be getting close to being human again. I was
n’t a fun person to be around for about three years. I actually considered suicide on several occasions, but I’ve been through some pretty intense therapy, and here I am. Life is happening all around me, and I don’t want to miss any more of it.” He looked at me curiously. “Gia, are you okay?”

I was still crying, silently. I’d been holding my breath without realizing it. I grabbed a napkin and took a deep breath while I wiped my eyes. “I’m okay, just very moved by your story.”
I could feel his pain as I’d listened to his story. It was similar to mine and hit close to home.

“No, I don’t buy it,” he said. “I watched your face go from sympathetic to shock to total meltdown. What’s your story?”

I took another deep breath. “I’ve had some loss also, and like you, it made me want to die.”

“Shit, Gia. Do you want to tell me about it?” He hadn’t expected that answer.

“Not really, but I’m starting a thirty day in-patient treatment program Monday morning. That’s actually the reason we’re in California.” I wasn’t as open with my past as he was. “Thank you for sharing your story with me. That takes a lot of courage, I know.”

He smiled
. “I’m so glad to hear that you’re going to get some help. Thirty day in-patient? That’s pretty intense. Good for you. Can I give you some advice?” I nodded.

“
Gia, don’t fight it while you’re there. Believe me, you’re going to want to. You’re going to want to tell them off every time they ask you how this or that made you feel. You’re going to want to quit and go home—don’t! In the end, when you start finding the answers, you’ll see yourself the way that your loved ones see you, and you won’t want to miss out on anymore of your life, either.” He was so passionate about what he’d just said. It gave me goose bumps as I listened to him.

I nodded my head
as I looked down at my hands. “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind.”

“No, Gia, do it! It
saved my life, and it’ll save yours too, if you let it.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it. “Look at me.” I looked at him. His face was full of hope and life. “Promise me you won’t give up; you won’t leave until you get it.”

It was hard not to want to be like him. “I promise.” It m
ade him beam.

“C’mon
. Grab a jacket and some shoes. I want to show you something.” He stood and started cleaning up our food. I looked at what I was wearing, which was basically my pajamas. “Don’t worry, we aren’t going far. Just grab a jacket and shoes, please.” He really wanted this.

“
You’re kinda bossy,” I called back as I went after them.

***

“Hey, Sean.” the guy in the elevator said when the doors opened.

“Hey, Carl, take us all the way up
,” Sean said.

“You got it
,” Carl said. He nodded and smiled at me. He was a short, stocky, gray-haired older gentleman. He reminded me of Dana’s dad, who I thought was adorable.

“Feel free to hit on her,
” Sean said. “She’s not my girlfriend. I’d never date someone who wore their pajamas out in public.” He was laughing and I punched him in the arm.

“You’re such a shit!” I told him.

“Don’t pay any attention to him,” Carl told me. “I think you look beautiful in your pajamas.”

“Thank you, Carl.” I stuck my tongue out at Sean. He stuck his ou
t at me.

We stepped out into a dark hall, but Sean ran ahead and opened an outside door which let some light in. I walked toward him. He was very excited
. I didn’t know what he was going to show me, but he was getting me fired up about it. I had to laugh. He reminded me of myself as I also had a hard time hiding my enthusiasm.

“C’mon, slowpoke!”
he said.

“Is the roof going somewhere?”

I got to the door and he reached out and took my hand. I followed him around a corner and he looked back to watch the reaction on my face. I stopped in my tracks and I’m pretty sure my mouth dropped open. My eyes grew wide as I took it all in. There, before me, was the most unbelievable view I’d ever seen. Buildings of all sizes were staggered for miles. Beams of light shone straight up into the dark sky. Colored lights from different sky bars throughout the city flashed and changed with every beat the DJ played. It went on as far as I could see.

Sean still had ahold of my hand and pulled me closer to the edge. I looked over the brick wall and saw the lights from the street below. We were so high up I couldn’t actually see people or vehicles, but I could make out movement on the street every so often. I watched the glass elevator on the building across the street travel up, almost to the top, and then back down again. I’d never been that high up, except on an airplane. I’d also nev
er been in a city as big as that one, and to see it from that spot was breathtaking.

“Pretty awesome, huh?” Sean asked me.

“Unbelievable,” I said, not taking my eyes off the massiveness that was before me.

“Do you feel small?”

“Tiny,” I answered.

“Good,” he said.
Huh?
I looked at him. “When you feel overwhelmed, like you want to quit or die or shut yourself off from the world, I want you to come here. Take it all in so you can close your eyes and be back here in an instant. Think about how tiny you feel, how tiny your problems are compared to the vastness of the world and all that is happening around you while you’re drowning in your tears. When something that seems huge happens in your tiny little world, all you have to do is come up here and throw it out. Watch it float away until you can’t see it anymore and be done with it. Open your eyes, move on, and live your life.” I could tell he used this method, and apparently it worked wonders for him.

“Thank you, Sean. Have you ever considered being a motivational speaker? You’re quite inspirational.”

He smiled at me. “Thanks, Gia. I appreciate that.”

I looked back out as far as I could see. I scanned east, then west
, and continued until my eyes had passed over everything they could. I’d likely never be in that spot again, and I didn’t want to miss a thing. I thought of my family, my childhood, my friends, Lex, my babies, my home, my job, and Ethan. I thought of Sean and what he’d been through, how he’d overcome it, and how I was meant to have run into him at that tiny speck of this huge world so he could push me in the right direction to take charge of my future.

I felt an arm around me. “Gia, I’ll bring you up here again if you want, but you’re shaking
. Let’s get you in so you can warm up.” His voice was very soft and soothing. I hadn’t noticed I was shivering, but I know I’d lost track of time while he waited ever so patiently behind me. I let my eyes take one last scan before I nodded and let him lead me back to the door.