Totaled (8 page)

“It’s amazing.”

We sat on the beach for a while as the sun rose higher and higher, lighting up the world all around us. We watched dolphins swim around right in front of us, pretty close to the shoreline, some even jumping out of the water as they played with their dolphin friends. We saw shrimp boats in the distance starting to cast their nets and get their daily catch working. I felt insignificant and overwhelmed all at once. I started to get teary and was unable to stop it before it was too late. Sue noticed right away that I was crying and put her arm around my shoulders in a side hug.

“I’m so sorry, Bree. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“No, no. It’s not you. If anything, you were right. I just…I’m just… Ugh. I’m just so
tired
of my life. I know I should be thankful and grateful for everything that I have, it’s just that it’s not enough anymore. I just want to be normal. I want to be twenty-two. I want to be careless and irresponsible. I want to have crushes and fall in love and get my heart broken. I want to have random make out sessions. I want to not have to take care of my family. I want my brother to not need me so much. I want my father to appreciate all that I do for him and the business. I want to go to college and not have to hide it out of fear that my father won’t approve. I want my mother back. I need more than this life. I’m sick of being stuck.”

“Wow. That’s quite a lot you have on your mind.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I just needed to vent, I guess.”

“I think you should sit down with your dad and with Liam, together or separately, whichever you think would be better, and just talk to them. Tell them how you feel. Get un-stuck. You can’t continue to be so unhappy. If you let it build up inside and fester, sooner or later, it just going to burst. Your dad will eventually understand and come around—he’ll have to. You do so much for him and the family, and he’ll realize it if you point it out to him. For all intensive purposes, he can’t survive without you, so he’ll have no choice but to accept that things need to be a little different.”

I just laughed. I laughed out loud, hard. I laughed like I hadn’t laughed in forever. Sue stared at me like I had smacked her in the face.

“What?”

“It’s intents and purposes.”

“What?”

“You said for all intensive purposes. It’s intents
and
purposes. Oh my God, that might be the best one yet!”

“Whatever!”

We walked back over the dune, me still laughing, her rolling her eyes at my joking at her expense, and entered the woods to return to the car. Opting to just walk back, Sue took the opportunity to chastise me for coming out here alone.

“So speaking of being gang banged, I can’t believe you jog out here in the middle of the woods to a deserted beach all by yourself. Not exactly a smart decision,” she teased.

“Oh, it’s fine. I’ve never ever felt uneasy or nervous about being out here. I always carry pepper spray in my sports bra and I’m comfortable defending myself if need be. Those self-defense classes at the gym I’ve taken for years have got to come in handy at some point.”

“If you say so. Just don’t ever drag my ass out here again.”

“Listen, Sue, don’t think I didn’t notice how well you were keeping up with me. An average observer would never know that you’re not a runner.”

“Okay, I confess. It actually felt pretty good to go jogging. Maybe I’ll even consider joining you for more runs soon. Preferably not at four in the morning and not through the swampy woods of North Fernandina, though.”

“Done. I’ll pick a normal, flat terrain, and a more reasonable time of day jog for you to join me on. It’ll be fun,” I assured her.

When we got back into the car, I asked her to drop me off at the gym so I could start my day. I would just have to catch a ride home with Liam or something. She obliged, yawning something about getting home to sleep all day as she pulled away. I watched her car disappear down the street and thought to myself that I truly have the very best friend in the history of best friends.

My day was uneventful. Boring, in fact. My father said fewer than five words to me all day, just “What’s for dinner tonight?” I wanted to reply, “Whatever you want to cook, that’s what!” Instead, I grinned with tight lips and no teeth and replied, “Meatloaf.”

Chapter Eight

DREW

The following day was ordinary and amazing at the same time. Mick and I managed to repair all of the gaps in his fence line and even reinforced some weak spots. We replaced one of his side gates that he’d been putting off simply because he didn’t have the strength to lift it on his own and hadn’t gotten around to impose on anyone else to come over and help him. I was happy to do it. The manual labor was actually relaxing and bonding with Mick all day was better than any therapy I could’ve paid for. For the first time in my life, I felt like I had a father figure to respect and look up to. Joan was great too. The love she showed Mick was inspiring. They took such good care of each other and truly seemed like best friends. I couldn’t help but notice the pang in my heart at wanting that kind of marriage someday. This was what a healthy, happy relationship looked like; it was incredible to witness. Knowing Mick and Joan made me want to be a better man. I had already resolved myself to a new start in life, now I just had to live it the right way. I was determined to make good choices and feel proud about where I was going and proud of the man I would become.

I didn’t have any more nightmares while staying with Joan and Mick. I slept more solid than I had in months. My muscles were sore and my body stiff from all of the hard labor around the yard, but it felt good. It was a different kind of soreness than I was accustomed to. It felt satisfying to push my body to new limits. I lay in the guest bed, comfortable under my quilt, winding down by thinking of ways I could incorporate some of the movements I’d just spent the day mastering into my training regimen—throwing heavy bags of feed, hammering nails, hauling planks of lumber—they were all totally Mr. Miyagi wax-on-wax-off style exercises. I loved it. Anything to mix it up and confuse the body would be beneficial in the octagon. Mixed martial arts was unpredictable. You had to condition your body to be ready to respond to anything, and quickly.

As I was coming down the stairs to enter the kitchen, I slowed my pace, overhearing Mick talking on the phone.

“I’m sending you a great guy, Pat. I don’t know him that good yet, but he’s already like a son to me. He’s been through some awful stuff, most of which I don’t even know about, so y’all need to be careful with pushing him too hard, too fast, you hear? But he has a good heart. He’s determined to make something of himself as a fighter and he’s certainly got the body for it. I can’t wait for you to see him. Gigantic! His truck should be fixed today or tomorrow and then he’ll be headed your way. Thanks, man. I really appreciate it… Yeah… Of course you will. You know I don’t ever miss the shrimp festival. Yes-siree. I’ll see ya in a couple weeks.”

I rounded the corner at the conclusion of his conversation and sat down at the table. Joan wasn’t in the kitchen, but coffee was made and there were blueberry muffins set out for breakfast.

“Good morning,” I said with a smile. “Listen, Mick, I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I caught a little bit of your conversation just now and I want you to know that I won’t disappoint you. I really appreciate everything that you both have done for me. You couldn’t have come into my life at a better time and I’m so thankful. These past two days have meant more to me than you can possibly know. I’m going to go meet Pat and check out your hometown. I hope everything falls into place, but if it isn’t a good fit, I won’t embarrass you,” I assured him, making sure I maintained eye contact as I said it. I took a nervous breath and continued. “I know you’re putting your name out there, so to speak, to vouch for me, and I won’t let you down. I promise.”

“Son, I’m not worried about that a bit. I trust my gut and it hasn’t ever failed me yet,” he quickly replied patting my upper back with reassurance. “How about we lay off of the chores today and have some fun?”

“What did you have in mind?” I questioned, apprehensive as I buttered my muffin, still warm from the oven.

“I thought I might try to get you up on one of my babies,” he proposed.

“One of your babies? As in, a horse? Uhh…I don’t know about that, sir. I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“Malarkey! Just try it. I’m not gonna let anything bad happen to ya. Scout’s honor,” he responded, holding up the Boy Scout hand gesture. “We’ll get you up on Ginger. She’s the most mild-mannered one. You’ll do fine.”

My stomach instantly cramped up, a feeling of nausea creeping up my throat. My palms were sweaty. My heart rate increased. I walked over to the sink and poured out the remainder of my coffee, thinking it wasn’t going to help my stomach or my heart rate.

“I’ll try anything once, I guess,” I agreed. “But when I’ve had enough, you have to let me stop, okay?”

“Well, how the hell am I supposed to make you do anything? You’ve got a good five or six inches on me and at least sixty five pounds. Quit worryin’ so much. You might just have some fun ya know?” he teased.

I shook my head and followed him out onto the back deck, excited but borderline panicking. He led me over to the stables and showed me how to prepare Ginger for riding. I brushed her, letting her feel, smell, and hear me. I made sure all of the hairs were laying down flat. I stroked her belly and made sure she was comfortable with me. With Mick’s guidance, I eased on the halter of the bridle over her head and spread a small, padded blanket over her back for the saddle to rest on top of. Mick showed me how to slowly set the saddle on top of the blanket carefully, so as to not spook her. We checked for wrinkles and gaps in the padding and proceeded to cinch the straps under her belly and on the sides of her body. He looked at the stirrups and double checked all of the straps before handing me the rope that was attached to her bridle. I walked her over to the water trough and encouraged her to drink. I talked to her like I was talking to a human. I don’t know if it helped her or me, but I was becoming slightly less anxious as we went along. She seemed to be at ease with me. While I was talking to her and continuing to pet her, Mick had already saddled and bridled Freckles, leading her over to where we were standing.

“You ready, city boy?”

“I guess as ready as I’m going to get, country hick!”

Mick laughed deep from his belly and came over to show me how to get on. He first climbed on Freckles, explaining where to put each foot and where to place my hands to hold on. Then, he dismounted and stood right next to me to help if I needed it. I climbed on just as I’d seen him do. Wobbling a little, I willed my body to propel up, knowing that just a slight hesitation would make me fall on my ass and potentially get a hoof in the mouth. Before I knew it, I was sitting on the saddle. It felt incredibly powerful. I was high above the ground and comfortable. I bent over to stroke Ginger’s head between her ears, thanking her for taking it easy on me. She snorted and shook her head. I worried about my heavy weight on her, but she didn’t seem bothered at all. She stood completely still and waited for my direction. Mick mounted Freckles again and started to turn her and walk away.

“Wait! What do I do now? How do I make her go? How do I steer this thing?” I yelled to him.

Mick turned his head to look behind me and made that clicking sound with his mouth. Ginger started to walk towards him and I was thrown off balance with her sudden movement.

“Do what you think you should do,” he directed. “Follow your gut. Quit thinking ‘bout it so much and just feel her.”

I readjusted myself and did as he instructed. I had never felt such a conflicting mixture of emotions all at once. I was excited but also scared as hell, empowered but cautious, confident but insecure. Once I allowed myself to relax and trust that Mick wasn’t going to put me in danger, it was crazy and awesome and I loved every second of it. We rode the horses at a leisurely walk all the way to the back of the property, which extended even farther back than I originally thought. Mick hopped off of Freckles to unlatch a gate and opened it wide. He led Freckles through by hand and waited for us to pass through before shutting and securing the gate closed.

“Where are we going?” I asked, suddenly impatient and nervous.

“I wanna show you somethin’ back here.”

I followed his lead and the horses both climbed a small hill of grass. Over the hill was a huge field of land that seemed to go on for miles. It was covered in wildflowers of every color imaginable. It was so beautiful that it almost looked fake, like a photograph or something. Mick looked over at me, smiled a shit-eating grin, and without saying a word, took off on Freckles, galloping away. Not having the slightest idea what to do next, I imitated what I had seen him just do and dug my right heel into Ginger’s side with a little kick. Sure enough, she started off trotting right away and broke into a full gallop. I held on for dear life.

After a few moments, it went from scary as shit to invigorating. I have no idea how fast we were going, but I might as well have been in a racecar. I leaned into turns and squeezed my thighs together to grip her body. I could feel every powerful muscle contract and relax as she galloped and almost could sense what she was going to do next. I’d never had such a strong connection with anyone or anything before. I was hooked.

We must have ridden for hours, exploring the entire field, stopping at a small stream for the horses to drink, and then crossing it to walk through roughly-made paths in the woods. I got off at one point to pee and the second I dismounted, I knew my thighs and ass were going to be screaming the following day. Mick and I talked about a lot. He told me all about his family, and growing up in Fernandina, and what to expect of his hometown. He told me the story of when he first met Joan and how he was instantly in love with her but it took over two years for them to finally get together. He insisted that I not be scared of love, telling me that there isn’t one single feeling that even comes close to be as good as being in love and being loved in return.