Touching Stars (45 page)

Carin bubbled over. “He’s going to move to the Stephens City office, and we’ll live somewhere between our jobs. Probably Middletown. We’re house hunting.”

“I’m delighted for you.” Gayle squeezed Carin’s hand. “And I’m glad the school won’t be losing you.”

She glanced up at Travis, who just smiled. She narrowed her eyes. He hadn’t done one thing to correct her impression that he was in love with Carin.

There was no time to confront him, though. He took Carin’s arm, and they moved on. A stream of well-wishers approached. Gayle’s mother moved away, and Eric took Phyllis’s place.

“You doing okay?” he asked.

“It’s a wonderful party.” And it was, only she would have enjoyed it a lot more on another day and in another person’s honor. Still, her annoyance with Eric had melted. He had arranged this for her. He might not understand what made her tick, but he did care.

“I’m glad you think so,” he said. “Putting it together on short notice was a challenge.”

“You like challenges.”

“Particularly when they turn out so well.”

The guests moved in, and Gayle thanked them for coming. Her sons had skirted the edges since the party had begun, but now Dillon tackled her for a hug.

“You’re not mad?” he whispered, glancing at his father, who was talking to Sam and Elisa.

She hugged him again, then released him. “No. It’s a lovely party.”

Dillon didn’t look convinced. “We tried to tell him. He doesn’t
tell
very well.”

She laughed. “He definitely has a mind of his own.”

“Yeah, kind of like me.”

That might be true, Gayle thought, but even thirteen-year-old Dillon had realized this event wouldn’t make his mother happy.

As if to prove her point, he added, “Jared’s going to make your favorite spaghetti next week, and I’m going to bake you a cake, and Noah’s going to make that salad with the marinated vegetables. Just for us.”

“I can’t wait.”

Noah was the next son to approach. “You’re holding up?”

“Uh-huh. Wasn’t the jambalaya great?”

“I’m going to try making it. The caterer said it wasn’t that hard.” He glanced at his father. “He really wanted to do this, Mom.”

She was glad to see Noah acting protective of Eric for a change. “And he did a walloping good job of it, too.”

Noah looked relieved. He left to talk to Helen Henry about the Touching Stars quilt. She had come with Cissy and her family.

And finally Jared arrived. She thought he looked wonderful and grown up in a black T-shirt and khaki blazer. He had Lisa and Cray with him, but Brandy was noticeably absent. Gayle was glad his friends had come to keep him company.

Eric finished talking to the Kinkades and joined them. The others wandered away, and the family, along with Jared’s two friends, formed a tight knot to one side. “Great party, huh kids?”

Jared’s gaze flicked to his mother’s. He looked sympathetic. “I don’t know how you did it, Dad.”

Eric turned his attention to Cray. “So I hear you’re heading off to the marines?”

“Yes, sir.”

“That’s a big step.”

“I thought about it a lot.”

“I know you must have. You and Jared have been best friends forever, haven’t you? I bet it’s going to feel strange not to be together next year.”

“Well, they’ve promised us we will be, once his enlistment is—” Cray came to an abrupt halt.

Gayle had been half listening, but now the silence was louder than the conversation had been.

She leaned forward. “I missed something. What’s this about enlisting?”

Jared’s eyes were blazing. “You’re an idiot,” he said fiercely, directing the insult at Cray.

Cray looked as if he wanted to crawl into a hole.

“No, Jared, it’s my fault. I just wasn’t listening very closely,” Gayle said. “I must have misunderstood.”

Eric put his hand on his son’s shoulder. And not gently. “Exactly what did Cray mean, Jared?”

Jared shrugged off his father’s hand, although it couldn’t have been easy. “This isn’t the right place to discuss it.”

“I think the discussion has already begun,” Eric said.

“We’d better go.” Cray took Lisa by the elbow, and steered her away and into the crowd. In a moment only Jared, Gayle and Eric were left.

Jared chewed his lip, then turned up his hands in disgust. “Okay. I was going to tell you once Mom’s birthday was all over. I didn’t want to spoil it, but Cray’s never been able to keep a secret. I should have known.”

“Tell us what?” Gayle’s hands were suddenly cold, although the room was warm. She rubbed them together, but that didn’t seem to help.

“I’m joining the Marines, Mom. I’ve already finished the preliminaries, and I’m signed up to go to Richmond on Wednesday for my physical and enlistment. They have a buddy system. Cray and I will be going to Parris Island together in the fall.”

The party continued around them, but Gayle only heard the silence that followed Jared’s announcement. She remembered afternoons after Eric’s arrival when Jared had disappeared for long periods, as well as the day last week when he had asked Noah to cover for him. She had just assumed he was with Brandy, but now she knew better. She couldn’t believe she had been so easily fooled. They had always been close. She couldn’t believe he’d made this decision without her.

“You’re joking,” Eric said at last.

Jared stood a little taller. “Why? Would it be worth a laugh? I’ve thought about it a lot. All the time, since back in the spring when Cray told me that’s what he was planning to do.”

“But what about your scholarship?” Gayle asked. “Jared, you worked so hard to get into MIT.”

“I’ve talked to the admissions office. There’s a good chance the scholarship will be waiting when I get out. And the school promised to defer my admission. I have it in writing. But who knows what I’ll want by then? I mean, there’s a whole world out there I’ve never seen. Every time I thought about sitting in a classroom for four more years, I felt awful. I
have
worked hard, you’re right, but school’s not real life.”

Eric waved away the rest of Jared’s speech. “You can’t do this. We’re not going to let you.”

“I don’t need your permission.” Jared was polite enough, but there was a note of defiance in his voice. “And my decision is made.”

“Jared! How could you get this far without even talking to us?” Gayle demanded. “Why?”

“Why? To avoid this kind of scene. This was my decision, not yours or Dad’s. And I already knew what you’d say.”

“Yet you went ahead?” Eric was furious. Gayle put her hand on his arm, but he shook it off, the way Jared had shaken off his. “You think being a marine is just hanging out with a bunch of guys, drinking beer and seeing the world? Do you know how many are dying in the Mideast every single day?”

Jared stepped forward so he and Eric were face-to-face. “Yeah? Well, do you know that while you were in Afghanistan reporting the news, you were almost killed? I realized then that a lot of soldiers have to go over there and put their lives on the line so we can make peace and stop trying to kill each other. I might as well be one of them.”

“It’s a lot more complicated than that!”

“It wasn’t so complicated when you were out on that ledge, was it, Dad? And where would
you
be right now if soldiers hadn’t been there to rescue you? I know you and Mom don’t like this war. I’m not stupid, I know it’s a difficult situation. But I also know there are people living in Iraq and Afghanistan who need good soldiers trying to protect them. And I’m going to be a damn fine marine!”

“Jared, you’re not going! I don’t care what arrangements you’ve made. It’s not too late to back out.”

“My mind is made up.”

“Do you have any idea what this will do to your family?”

Jared just stared at him. Then he smiled, although the smile never reached his eyes.

“Better than most people, Dad. Because I spent my whole childhood wondering what was happening to
you.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not joining up to get back at you, but for once it looks like you’re going to understand what you put us through. And I guess that’s the only thing I’m sorry about. Because I know from experience, you’re not going to like it.”

B
y midnight another storm howled outside the windows of the carriage house. Unable to sleep, Gayle sat alone on the sofa, sipping herbal tea. She was alone in the house. To avoid further recriminations, Jared had gone home from the party with Cray, and as they sometimes did when Jared and Leon were away, Dillon and Noah were sleeping in the room above the garage.

Usually the younger boys slept in Jared’s room because he had a television and VCR, and no mother just yards away to police bedtime. Tonight, Gayle thought that her younger sons wanted to ground themselves in Jared’s personal space. Neither seemed to know how he felt about Jared’s plan to enlist in the marines. Sleeping in his room was a form of mourning.

Despite the storm, the guests seemed contented. Nobody had been up when she’d done her final sweep of the inn. Now that there was no surprise to spoil, her parents were comfortably settled in the Seven Sisters room, although when Gayle looked in on them, her mother had provided a page of notes suggesting improvements in lighting and the better placement of towel racks.

Eric’s light had been off.

Eric had improved so steadily since arriving in Toms Brook that Gayle took his better health for granted. But after Jared’s announcement, he had looked tired and pale again, hearkening back to the man who had first returned from Afghanistan. This, she thought, would be another night filled with bad dreams.

Tonight had been filled with so many surprises. The party itself. Carin’s engagement to someone other than Travis.

And, most of all, Jared.

Her eyes filled with tears. She had never felt like such a failure as a mother.
Not
because her son was entering military service, but because he hadn’t discussed his decision with her.

She understood why. Almost since the Iraq war’s beginning, she had been concerned, and she’d grown more outspoken as months had passed. But the boys knew they could disagree with her stands on national issues, and Jared’s decision to join the marines was not about politics but about a need to serve and protect, as well as a need to prove himself.

She understood the latter perfectly. Although she had coached their soccer teams, and made sure they were active in Boy Scouts and Little League, she hadn’t been able to teach them what it meant to be men. There had been men in their lives, and Eric had been on and off the scene, but they had missed a father in residence. Now Jared needed to prove his masculinity in an institution that prided itself on machismo, courage and honor.

Even though she understood these things, she was still brokenhearted. Her son was about to place himself in harm’s way. Willingly, even enthusiastically. She knew only too well what that could mean. Someday she might find a notification officer and a chaplain standing on the other side of her front door with the worst news a mother could hear.

Almost as if she had conjured the image, someone knocked. Before she could answer, the door opened and Eric stepped into the entryway, shaking one of the inn’s umbrellas behind him.

“I saw your light. I’ll go if you want me to,” he said.

She motioned him all the way inside, then got up to head for the bathroom. “There’s not a lot of sleeping going on in here anyway.”

“The boys in bed?”

Back, she tossed him one of the inn’s many guest towels and watched him bury his face inside it. “I don’t know. They’re staying in Jared’s room tonight.”

She went back to the sofa, and when he was more or less dry, he stopped in the kitchen. She heard the refrigerator open. “What can I get you?” he called.

“Not a thing.” She didn’t tell him to help himself. Clearly that was already in progress.

Empty-handed, he crossed the room and plopped down beside her, propping his feet on the coffee table as if he did it every night.

She abandoned her empty tea cup. “I’m sorry there’s no beer. I don’t see any point in tempting the boys and their friends.”

“You don’t think Jared drinks?”

“Silly you. He’s an eighteen-year-old boy—” Her eyes filled with tears again. “Man,” she said softly.

“Gayle, what are we going to do about him?”

She closed her eyes and rested her head against the back of the sofa. “What did your father do when you told him you had plans for your life that weren’t the ones
he
had for you?”

“He told me I would do what he said or be damned. When I refused, he told me I wasn’t welcome in my own house. And he meant it.”

“So you see how much good it does to make decisions for a grown son?”

“Jared is not grown! He just graduated from high school.”

“He’s grown enough to sign his name on enlistment papers without our permission. He’s grown enough to put his life on the line for his country, like a lot of young men and women whose parents had other plans for them.”

She opened her eyes. He had turned and was looking straight at her. “Don’t tell me you agree with this?” he asked.

“With what? His decision—or his right to make it?”

“Maybe you don’t understand what could happen.”

She was amazed he could even form those words. Anger flared.

“I understand perfectly, but let me introduce you to your son. This is the young man who always wanted to be in the color guard in Boy Scouts. He didn’t want the troop flag or the state flag. Jared was only happy when he was carrying the American flag. If he hadn’t had so many other leadership responsibilities, he would have made it all the way to Eagle Scout. Your son believes in God, country and honor, and he’s exactly the kind of recruit the marines are looking for.”

“I should have provided some balance.”

She searched his face. “Which of those things would you prefer he not believe in?”

His shoulders drooped. “It’s what he’s doing with them.”

The drooping shoulders pricked a hole in her defenses. She lowered her voice.

“I don’t want him to enlist, either. What mother does? But when you sat down, you asked a question, so here’s what I think. Tomorrow we’re going to talk to Jared calmly and sensibly, tell him we want to be sure he’s not making a mistake. Then we’re going to drive to Richmond on Wednesday and watch his enlistment ceremony.”

“You can go, but I won’t be there.”

She tried to absorb this. Eric’s response sounded all too familiar, although this time it was out in the open instead of hidden under an excuse. He was going to let her make that difficult trip alone, just as he had left her to do so many unpleasant parenting tasks by herself.

“Do you think that’s fair?” she asked. “To me or to him?”

“How can I go to Richmond feeling the way I do?”

She remembered all the times in the lives of their children when
she
had wanted to be elsewhere. When she’d been tired, sick, overwhelmed. When the boys had needed stitches or booster shots. When she’d had to give them bad news or confront them about bad behavior. But she had never been able to leave, because no one had been there to fill in. Eric had never been home for the dirty work.

Of course she’d had resentments. Of course she’d gone to bed angry at her ex-husband, who was off pursuing his career while she raised his children. But now, as if those days had been lived in black and white and
this
moment was in Technicolor, she saw how unfair Eric’s behavior had always been and how, by silence and forbearance, she had allowed it to go on.

She had followed behind Eric, making excuses, cleaning up and filling in for him, and why? Because that had been easier than demanding he do his job.

She sat up straighter and jabbed a finger at his chest. “Running away would be just like you. You don’t like something, so you just don’t show up. Wet diapers, high fevers, angry teachers who want conferences? It was always too much trouble for you. Now this. Exactly why am I such a fool? I was beginning to believe you’d changed.”

“Well, one of us had to be less than perfect.”

When she could speak, her voice was shaking. “If I tried to be perfect, it was to make up for your lack of interest. I figured our sons needed one parent they could count on.”

“Is that it? Or maybe you liked casting me as the bad parent so you could be the good one, Gayle. How many times did you let me know I was needed?”

“Why weren’t you on the telephone asking questions? Why weren’t you flying here between assignments to see what your sons needed?”

“Maybe because you made it clear you had everything covered! Who needed
me?
And how was
I
going to compete?”

She started to get up, but he grabbed her hand and pulled her back to the sofa. “Gayle…” He shook his head; then his expression crumpled. “Don’t you get it? I…can’t watch. I just can’t go to Richmond and watch. Do you know the statistics?”

“Do you know your son?”

He squeezed his eyes shut. “I want to. I don’t want him dead in a roadside bombing.”

“You owe him your support and loyalty. We both do. And the way you show it is to drive down to Richmond with me.”

“This is our blond-haired baby boy. How can you be so strong?”

Strong? That word was the last straw. Fury turned to sorrow, and she began to cry. The tears had threatened since Jared’s announcement. Now they came in choking, uncontrollable waves.

“Gayle, I’m sorry….” Eric put his arms around her and pulled her resisting body to his chest.

“Let go…of me.”

He didn’t. He let her cry as he held her, slowly stroking her back. When the crying tapered off a little, he spoke softly.

“I’m so sorry. I really am. Of course I’ll go. I’m just so sick about this. I was spouting off, but I didn’t mean it. I’m not going to leave you alone.”

She tried to pull away, but he wouldn’t let her. “Shhh…I’m sorry, and I mean
that.
For everything. For tonight, for ever thinking I had what it took to be a husband and father.” His voice broke. “And I thought things were tough when the kids were little…”

She cried harder again, and he pulled her closer and rested his cheek against her hair. His arms were strong and comforting. Having them around her made her realize how much she had missed being held like this and how much she had missed being able to let someone else take charge, if only for moments.

The storm had nearly passed when he fished around on the end table, then handed her a tissue. “Jared wouldn’t be doing this if I’d been around.”

She sniffed and wiped her nose. “It’s not…that simple.”

“Maybe not, but it’s a big part of the equation. I wasn’t here to teach him what it means to be a man, so he’s going to figure out the final pieces in the marines.”

It was so close to what she’d been thinking before he’d come in that she didn’t know what to say. Then she realized that she did know, after all.

“Maybe that is a part of it.” She wiped her cheek with the back of her hand. “But the bigger part? He wants to fix what happened to you.”

“I know that, too.”

“He’s always been the son who…fixes things. The mender. The one who tries the hardest to put things right.”

“Will talking to him help? If we explain all that?”

“No. This isn’t out of the blue. The signs were already there. After 9/11, he even considered applying for a scholarship to Massanutten.”

“The military academy in Woodstock?”

She forced a laugh, but it was only a gulp. “Not the ski resort.”

“You never told me.”

“You were busy at the time. There…was a lot of news to report.”

She pushed away from him and tried to brush her hair off her wet cheeks, but he put his hands on her arms.

“It’s been too hard for you. I’m going to need tutoring, Gayle. This doesn’t come naturally to me.”

She wanted to stay angry. Being angry was so much easier than facing everything else tonight. But how could she stay angry when it was love for Jared that had motivated Eric’s outburst? This man loved their son as much as she did, perhaps differently, perhaps somewhat erratically, but Eric did love Jared. And his dreams for his son had been radically altered tonight.

His expression softened. “You’re a hard act to follow, but it’s my own fault I haven’t tried harder. You took care of things, and I just let you.”

She liked being held in place. She liked having him searching her face to see what she was feeling. So many times after Eric had left she had yearned for someone to share her life and burdens with. Someone to be with her when hard decisions had to be made. Someone to make them when she was overwhelmed. And tonight she was overwhelmed again.

But even as she realized how seductive it was to have Eric with her, to feel what strength he had to give her and absorb the companionship of another lonely soul, a warning voice sounded in her head.

“I loved you.” He stroked his thumbs up and down her arms as he held her there. “But I never, never appreciated you the way I should have.”

She knew how vulnerable she was. “This isn’t the right time for this.”

His smile was unsteady. “When would be a better one?”