TouchStone for giving (The Story of Us Trilogy) (2 page)

would find you way into my heart?” I cannot conceal my astonishment. I try again to pull away from

him. “Ayden, you’re a fool. I was lying
for
you not
to
you. You should be with your fucking mistress

right now, not with me. Can’t you see that?”

I’m beating my fists against his chest and he’s letting me, taking the brunt of my desolation. Only

when I have exhausted myself does he fix me to the spot with a terrified stare and grip my clenched

hands.

“Then punish me …”

“What?” My mouth is agape and my eyes wild with horror.

“Punish me. Go ahead, hit me.” He’s unbuckling his belt and sliding it out. “Here use this.”

Just when I think I cannot be more mortified, he comes up with
this
?

“Take it.”

He’s placing it in my right hand, pulling off his sweater, lifting off his T-shirt
.

Dear God, no!

“What I’ve put you through, that’s a punishable offence. I made you feel cheap and hurt you when I

should have been protecting you.”

“I don’t want to punish you Ayden.” I throw the belt to the floor and hold onto his T-shirt, keeping

it on his body. “You didn’t hurt me.”

“Not even after I made you spread your legs. Not even then?”

“Stop trying to provoke me. You didn’t make me. I don’t want to punish you.”

He’s reaching for the belt. “But I deserve it.”

“No, you don’t.” I must look mortified, because that’s how I feel.

“But I need you to Beth, because I feel so bad. It’s the thought of losing you. Physical pain I can

handle but this, it’s too much ...”

Oh, my poor broken boy.

“Stop! Ayden, stop!” I reach up to his partially lifted T-shirt and forcefully pull it down over his

back and across his abdomen. “I’m not going to punish you.” I rest my open hands on his pectoral

muscles and leave them there, easing his breathing. “Calm down.”

“I’ve been bad, I deserve it,” he says, totally convinced, seeming like an errant child. “That’s the

way it works.”

Where the hell is all this coming from?

“No it isn’t Ayden.” I take his face in my hands. “People who love you forgive you.”

He kisses me tenderly, softening each kiss with his tears. “I don’t deserve you.”

“That’s not true, I forgive you. We can work this out, but I won’t take this kind of crap off you, not

when you’re so much better than this.” I mean every word.

He closes his eyes, struggling to accept my assertion. “That’s all down to you Beth. You make me a

better person, and I swear to God I’ll learn how to take better care of you. I promise I will.”

So fervent is his assurance I feel my heart breaking into a thousand pieces, and every single piece

belongs to him. “You already do Ayden. You go out of your way to spoil me and make me feel

cherished; you think I take everything you do for me in my stride, when really I’m awe struck and

blinded by your brilliance and your beauty.” I pull his hands from around my waist but he’s still

reluctant to let go, perhaps fearing I will run away. “I made you the very same promise the first night

we kissed, remember?”

He’s nodding. “Not a day goes by when I don’t.”

“Well then ...”

He takes a life affirming breath. “Please understand … my whole life I’ve only had to look out for

me, no-one else; no brothers or sisters, not even a fucking dog. I was a rotten kid in so many ways and

I didn’t know what it was to be part of a family until I was 12 and, believe me, I had to deal with a lot

of shit in those 12 years.” He looks around my tiny apartment, words leaving his mouth like a tidal

wave. “I never felt safe or settled. This place, it feels like home and that’s because you’re here. So

caring for anyone, caring for you doesn’t come easy, but …”

“… I get it Ayden.” I rest the fingers of my right hand over his mouth. “I get it. You panicked and

assumed I was abandoning you, after you’d done all you could to make everything perfect for us.” I

take hold of his hands and hold them to my chest, preparing to ask him the question that troubles me

the most. “But you have to tell me. Would you have stopped if I hadn’t used the safe word?”

I wait.

He takes a couple of seconds to consider his answer. “I don’t think so,” he confesses honestly,

chilling me to the bone. “I had to know the truth. I’m sorry.”

“Me too. If I’d thought for one minute you finding out about an innocent lie would drive you to

that, I wouldn’t have told it. But I did and look what happened.” I shake my head from left to right,

still coming to terms with the outcome.

“You did if for the right reasons, but Jay, he should have known better … I’ll set him straight when

I see him.” He scowls and purses his lips angrily. “He told me about his other impromptu visit.” His

jaw clenches at the thought. “I know why he came here. He told me he tried to buy you off and you

told him, in no uncertain terms, what to do with his money.” He pauses to consider his words

carefully. “I don’t like it when people go behind my back …”

I’ve heard enough. I fix him with a serious stare. “… People! Jake isn’t
people
Ayden, he’s like

family to you. It took a lot for him to come here, to face me like he did.”

“It was business Beth.”

“Bullshit!”

“Excuse me …”

“You heard. When are you going to let people who care about you
do
just that Ayden? When?”

He looks ahead dejectedly, unwilling or unable to meet my eyes. “I don’t know the answer to that

Beth.”

“I do. It’s right now. Don’t be hard on him Ayden, he needs you out there and you’ve been working

part time on a fulltime project …

He’s flinching. “Did he tell you that?”

“No, but I’ve got eyes. You’ve been dealing with serious problems at night when you should have

been sleeping, rather than leave me during the day. But that’s one of the reasons I lied. To get you

back to work, to wean you off me. It’s time to hand you back.”

He sneers ruefully. “It’s been a while since I heard
that
…”

I realise the implications of my words, I’ve unwittingly stumbled across another emotional scar. I

watch him drift off to a distant place where rejection cuts into him, leaving an open wound.

“I lost count of the times I was
handed back
. I wouldn’t let anyone get close to me. They said I was

unlovable.”

I swallow hard and hold back tears. What kind of monster would say such a thing to a child? “Well

they
were wrong Ayden.” I stand on my tiptoes and wrap my arms around his neck. “I won’t lie to you

ever again, you’ll get 100% honesty from me and I expect it in return. That’s fair isn’t it?”

“Totally.”

I lower myself so my feet are flat on the carpet and begin arranging his T-shirt and his hair. “So, I

want you to leave me now and go back to your bachelor pad and pack. No argument.” I brush away the

streaks from his cheeks with the tips of my fingers. “Take the next flight out to Hong Kong, sleep on

the plane and go be my Mr. P. Are you alright with that?”

“No, but I’ll go because you ask me to,” he concedes, scraping my hair back off my face and

brushing my cheek with his thumbs.

“Good. Then go.” Reluctantly, I drop my hands from his chest and hand him his sweater from the

floor.

He manages to construct an amiable smile. “You can throw me out, but you know I’ll just come

back.”

“I’m counting on it,” I answer, trying to rediscover some of the light-heartedness we love so much.

“… but I’d rather stay here with you.” He’s still shaken and unsure of himself.

I raise an eyebrow. “And I’d rather you were here too, but your mistress needs you now and we both

can be very demanding. I’ll keep myself busy, don’t worry.”

“I’ll try not to, but call me okay, if anything, I mean anything, happens or even if you want to talk.”

The warmth is returning to his face and I sense he’s finding his feet. “Remember, if you catch me in a

meeting, you’ll probably be on speaker phone. I’m just saying ...”

“Message understood.” He’s recalling our phone sex and so am I. That shared memory prompts two

weak smiles.

But that much needed smile fades too quickly, “Everything I’ve ever done, all my achievements

pale into insignificance compared to you. You’re my only true asset. If I don’t have you, then it’s all

been a fucking waste of time.”

He pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me so tightly I can feel his heart vibrating against

my shoulder. I want to absolve him of his sins, but we both have to learn from our mistakes or all this

heartache has been for nothing.

I break free. "See how special you are Ayden, when you speak from the heart?” I reach up to kiss

him and he tilts his head to meet me halfway. “How could I not love you?”

He steps back to take a last look. “I love you more.”

Now this really does feel like goodbye.

Walking and pulling on his sweater, he moves purposely from the centre of the room towards the

door, side stepping my cases. I follow closely behind, collecting the discarded belt off the floor and

handing it to him. I want to reach out, but doing so now would break his resolve. Instead I pull down

his sweater and flatten it against his firm back, making sure I only rest my hand there for a split

second struck by an impetuous thought. In this moment of candour, I have to test his willingness to be

truthful.

“Ayden …” He turns to face me, expressionless, pensive. “When we went out for the first time, to

the theatre to see Romeo and Juliet, you said you had a proposition for me, remember?”

A ghost of a smile appears. “Yes.”

“And you thought long and hard about it, even seemed to struggle with it, but you said you wanted

to be my submissive, remember that?”

He senses what is coming and the smile fades. “I do.”

I rest my hand on his heart for some reason, seeking total honesty. “But that’s not what you were

planning to say, was it?”

His eyes flicker nervously as he prepares to speak. “I … I changed my mind …”

“… at the last minute.”

“Yes, at the last minute.”

“Why?”

He takes my face in his hands, making me feel like a rose bud about to open on the first day of

spring. “Because, when I looked into your eyes, I was swept away. I knew I would do anything to keep

you. I had to behave differently with you.” He falters. “I… I wanted you to love me.”

A surge of pain finds its way to my heart. I pull my palms to my breasts; beneath them a once

frozen heart melts and a trickle of sheer adoration finds its way through every aching cell. “And I do”

His lip quivers a little. “Thank you.”

I cannot contain my tears; they are rolling down my face and dripping off my chin like raindrops.

“You’re welcome.”

After what feels like a lifetime, he kisses me through salty tears then stops, allowing our foreheads

to touch, giving us the time we need to let go. “I can’t go to Hong Kong Beth.”

What!

“Why? We’re good Ayden, everything’s okay between us. I promise … I’ll be right here waiting for

you.”

His hand brushes over my hair. “I’m glad about that, but the reason I can’t go is because you have

my passport.” He gives me one of his gotcha smiles and my voice dissolves into nervous laughter.

“Right. I’ll go get it. It’s in my bag.” I pull away and head over to the breakfast table, checking the

photos.

“You could still come with me.” He slips it into the back pocket of his jeans.

Silently I shake my head, leaving him to walk alone towards the front door, much too sluggishly.

It’s as if he can’t bear to turn around, as if actually saying goodbye is excruciatingly painful. He

hesitates then turns slowly to meet my flat smile. Only then do I grasp the magnitude of his love and

his overpowering loneliness. It hits me: I should be going with him, he needs me. I need
him.

“Ayden ... I have something quite important to tell you.”

His face is full of anticipation, holding onto the tiniest possibility that I’ll change my mind. He’s

motionless then fearful suddenly of what I’m about to say, biting his lip. I reach up to him and hold

his perfect face in my hands. “This is the last time you’ll be going anywhere on your own, so enjoy

your freedom. Like it or not, you’ve got yourself a very possessive fiancé.”

His head tips to the right and the look of love sweeps across his face like a transparent mask.

“What’s not to like? I’m
so
ready to be possessed by you.”

Unlike any other man on the planet, his feelings are revealed for all to see in the colour of his eyes;

emerald green for happiness, teal for turned-on and his signature, sapphire blue for pure lust. I live to

see the night sky in his eyes because then, and only then, I know he’s looking at me.

Right here, right now, they are the brightest, iridescent green; filled with pure delight and glossy

with tears. I am awe-struck. Even the skin above his cheekbones creases slightly to accommodate the

broadest of smiles, leaving little room for doubt; he’s overjoyed at the prospect of not having to fight

his battles single-handedly ever again. For what it’s worth, he will have me by his side.