Tough Love (10 page)

“Everything is great. Absolutely great.” I thought of Micah sitting in the other room. “Really.”

“I’m glad.” He sounded sincere, but at the same time, there was that almost intimate quality to his voice that drew me back, threatened to seduce me.

“Well, listen, I’ve got to go.” I wanted to ask how he was doing, where he was, but on the other hand, I didn’t want to know. “I’ve got, um, company.”

“Okay. Take care.” He didn’t hang up, and I had to force myself to speak again.

“You, too. Bye.” I ended the call, but the turmoil it caused within me was just beginning.

I went back to where Micah was sitting on the couch, and he asked where I’d been. I sighed and tried to smile, grabbing his hand and pulling him up with me.

“We need to talk. C’mon.”

I led him up the steps to my bedroom and continued to hold his hand while he sat down. I was already in tears, the guilt and shame spilling over. I knew that it was time to tell him everything about Brendan; even if he didn’t need to hear it, I needed to say it.

I felt so relieved, getting all of the emotion and constant worry off my shoulders. Micah sat and listened, never letting go of my hand. When I was finished, he asked if Brendan was out of my life for good.

“I think so. Well, I thought so, until he called today. I mean, he’s still in Florida living with the two guys he left me for, so yeah, I guess.”

Micah nodded. “Okay. That’s good because you’re with me now, and I want it to stay that way.”

“Really?” I was so relieved. “I didn’t think you would want to still be my boyfriend after you knew about him. I mean, I was practically engaged to a gay man, for God’s sake! But I’m not going to question you, I’m just going to be happy about it.”

I gave him a hug and kiss, shaking my head as I thought about how lucky I was to have another chance at loving someone. I was only 16 years old, but my time with Brendan had done so much damage that I wasn’t sure anyone else would want to be with me. Each day I spent with Micah was another chance for my self-esteem to heal, to build.

Since we’d spent most of Thanksgiving Day at my house, I told Micah we should spend Christmas at his. I had a wonderful morning with my family before Mom drove me over to his place for lunch. When I walked in to the little house that Micah shared with his mom and brother, I noticed there was a two-person table set up in his bedroom for us to eat. It was not fancy, but it was very charming and we had a wonderful time.

“Are you ready to open your presents?” he asked when we’d finished eating.

I couldn’t hide my excitement. “Yes!”

Micah went to their tree and picked up a small package wrapped in red paper with pictures of Rudolph and Santa on it. He returned, beaming with anticipation. I could see the eagerness on his face while I opened the little box. I gasped; it was a stunning pearl and white gold ring.

“Micah, oh my gosh. This is so beautiful!”

“I’m glad you like it,” he responded, lifting the ring out of the box and placing it in the palm of my hand. “I’m not going to put it on you because I don’t want you to think that I have any ideas, but I wanted you to have it as my promise that I’m not going anywhere.” He lifted my chin to look me straight in the eye. “I will not leave you like he did. You have my word.”

With tears in my eyes and shaking hands, I picked up the ring and placed it on the ring finger of my right hand. I almost felt guilty. I did not want to mislead him in any way. I was not ready for anything more than a high school romance, and it was important to me that Micah understood that. But the commitment we were making at this moment was important as well: that we would stay together unless one of us felt we were not meant to be.

I met his eyes and leaned in to kiss him deeply. “Thank you, Micah. I really love it!”

The rest of Christmas Day was lovely, having fun and laughing together. We went outside in the Ohio cold for a snowball fight, then came in dripping and freezing for some delicious hot chocolate. Before I left that night, Micah’s mom, Lora, pulled me aside to tell me more about my ring.

“This was my ring when I was with Micah’s father, and although we aren’t together anymore, the ring still means a lot to me. Be good to it, Janessa.”

“I will. Thank you for trusting me with it.”

“You’re welcome. The only thing that I ask is that if for some reason you don’t become my daughter-in-law, Micah gets it back.”

I smiled at her. “I can live with that.”

Just then I heard the honk of Mom’s car, so I gave Lora a hug, kissed Micah goodbye and headed out the door. I hopped in the car, welcoming the warmth of the heater on my cold fingertips. I wasn't quite ready to show the ring to my mom, so I conveniently hid my right hand under my thigh while we talked about my evening.

As we chatted, I couldn't help but think of Brendan. It was Christmas Day, after all, and I wondered what he was doing at that moment. Was he at a party or a club with his new friends? Were he, Justin, and Greg exchanging gifts the way lovers do? I felt guilty for even thinking of him when I had Micah’s ring on my finger…

That night I dreamed of Brendan placing an engagement ring on my finger, with my smiling family surrounding us. It was perfect, and that's how I knew it would never come true.

Micah and I were having so much fun being a couple. Time was going fast, and it wasn’t long before we were thinking about prom and preparing for finals. We had decided several months earlier that we would attend his prom, since it was his senior year; I still had the next year to enjoy my senior prom. I continued to proudly wear the ring he had given me for Christmas on my right hand. I liked for others to know that I was his, but I still wasn’t ready for anything more than a high school romance.

Every now and then, Brendan called from Florida. It was always a shock to my system when I picked up the phone and heard his voice on the other end. At the same time, I was always happy to hear from him. Sure, it made the ache of his leaving worse, but there was something there that I still needed. It was almost like I had an affinity for the pain; I had to hold onto him somehow, and if reliving the hurt was the only way it would happen, then so be it.

Sometime around March, I asked Mom her thoughts on me wearing a dress I already owned to Micah’s prom. After thinking it over for a few minutes, she said that a good seamstress would be able to think of something new that could be done with the old dress. We found a pattern that would be both beautiful and flattering and took it with us to the dress shop.

The seamstress looked over what we brought and said I’d made a great choice. She took out her measuring tape and pincushion, and began to work her magic while I stood on the pedestal and tried to imagine what I would look like on prom night with Micah by my side.

I was at the prom sitting under the thousands of lights that had been strung up. My date had gone to get us something to drink because “dancing makes me thirsty,” I’d said. I closed my eyes and swayed to the soft music of Boyz II Men singing
End of the Road
. I felt someone touch my elbow and looked up into Brendan’s deep brown eyes. As if it were the most natural thing in the world, I reached up to take his out stretched hand. He pulled me onto the dance floor, and we stood in an embrace as we swayed back and forth to the music.

“Janessa!” my mother hollered, breaking me from the amazing vision. “You’re going to get stuck with a pin if you don’t hold still. What were you doing anyway? I called your name three times.”

“Did you? Sorry. I was just dreaming about prom with Micah,” I lied.

Even though I felt a pang of betrayal, I allowed my mind to wander back to the daydream I’d been having. Careful not to move with the music this time, I thought of another portion of the evening. Brendan and I were outside on the balcony, enjoying the sunset over the Maumee River. We could hear the music in the background, but we seemed to be in our own world, laughing at words I could not hear. But I didn’t need to hear them; I could tell that we were together and we were happy. As much as I wanted to be, I wasn’t sure that I was happy with Micah. He was a great guy, and my family liked him a lot but there was just something missing.

We finished up at the dress shop and headed home. I put the thoughts of Brendan out of my mind for the time being. What was I doing anyway? Pretending that he still loved me? He had left me for two other people, two
men
. He had made his choice, and I had to live with that.

I planned every detail and was ready to go when Micah arrived at my house on prom night. He looked so handsome in his traditional black tuxedo and fresh haircut.

“You look amazing!” I told him with a smile.

“And you are beautiful tonight.” He leaned in to give me a welcoming kiss. He opened a box to reveal a beautiful wrist corsage with two peach roses and five white carnations. I was beaming when he placed it on my right arm. Then I took the matching boutonnière and placed it on his left lapel.

I led him into the house where my parents were waiting with the camera. We spent about thirty minutes taking all of the traditional pictures at my house before heading to his place to do the same. Then we were off to dinner.

We headed to Mancy’s for dinner. The atmosphere was so nice – soft Italian music playing, lights down low and candles everywhere.

Once we’d ordered and the waitress had brought our drinks and salads, I sat there wondering if I was ever going to be able to fall completely in love with him. I could keep this charade up for quite a while, but the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. I knew the longer this lasted, the more it would hurt when I told him the truth. I simply didn’t have the heart to love him, but I couldn’t hurt him either. Of course, none of that mattered tonight anyway. This was the night of Micah’s Senior Prom and it was going to be perfect.

And it was. We danced to several songs, watched as two of his friends were crowned King and Queen, and took traditional prom photos.

After having a snack and a few more dances, we decided that it was time to leave. We found Micah’s friends to tell them all goodbye and headed out into the warm spring evening.

“This wind feels good on my face,” I told Micah. “With all those people dancing, it got so hot in there.” I was sure glad I’d worn flats and not heels. “Where to now?”

We were already to the car, where Micah leaned me up against the door. With a gleam in his eye he said, “I’ll tell you, but it’ll cost ya.”

I felt little flutterings in my stomach. “Really? Okay, what’s my fee?” We were both smiling.

Micah grabbed my other hand in his so that we were palm to palm and pressed himself further into me.

“It’s…”
kiss
“not…”
kiss
“much…”
kiss
. With that, he kissed me deeply, turning the flutterings into full-fledged butterflies. I found it so easy to kiss him, to love him, even though I wasn’t
in love
with him. Again, I felt bad for leading him on when I was dying inside for someone else.

Once the kiss was over I said, “Well?”

“I thought we’d go downtown and just walk around. We can find some cool spots to take pictures by the river. You know, just hang out together. How’s that sound?”

“That sounds really nice, Micah.”

It was only about 30 minutes before we both started to show signs of fatigue. The excitement of the day, not to mention all of the dancing, had taken its toll, and we were exhausted.

As we sat on a wooden bench looking over the water I said, “As much as I don’t want tonight to end, I’m getting very tired.”

Micah sighed. “Me too. I guess I’d better get you home so we can both get some sleep.”

Micah and I stayed together for the rest of my junior year, even as I continued to struggle with thoughts of Brendan.

Deep down I knew that I was using Micah to fight my fear of being alone, but the day-to-day relationship that we were building was important to me. I did love him, but Micah’s actions and words were a constant reminder that his feelings for me were much stronger than mine.

I also realized Micah was not maturing as quickly as I was. I blew it off at first; after all, girls naturally matured faster. It could have just been my brain looking for another excuse to focus on Brendan. I was already being so unfair to Micah that giving it my all was the least I could do.

I was by Micah’s side for his graduation party, where we had a great time, laughing with his family. When the party was over and the cleanup was finished, Micah and I went to his room to relax and watch some TV.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I am exhausted,” I said with a sigh as I flopped down onto Micah’s bed.

“Yes, I am, too, but I can’t wait to spend my graduation money!”

I could understand how Micah felt. Getting his own money, and a lot of it, was something special for a teenager. Most of our friends had thought for months about how they would spend their graduation funds. Of course, if they were going to college, their parents usually made them save it. But Micah did not have any imminent plans, so his money was “meant to be spent” as he liked to say.

He sat on the bed next to me and leaned down for a kiss. “Thanks for all of your help today. I don’t think that I would have made it through the day without you.”

“Sure you would have,” I smiled. “It wouldn’t have been as much fun, but you would have survived.”

“Aren’t you just full of yourself this evening?” Micah shifted his weight on the bed so that we were side by side. “In all seriousness, I’m glad that you were able to come today. I love showing you off.” It had been a long time since I’d felt the warmth of a blush run through my cheeks. “Do you know how much I love you?”

Of all the questions that he could have asked me… what was I supposed to do now? I could have lied and acted like I didn’t know what was going on. Then again, I could – oh, who was I kidding? Either way I went about it, a lie was going to be involved. I knew he loved me but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell him the honest truth about the way I felt.

“Yes, Micah, I know, and I love you too. You’ve been so good to me since we started dating. I wasn’t sure that I would be okay, but you’ve made me believe in myself again. It’s been hard for me to come up with a way to thank you, but I think I’ve figured it out.”