Toward the Sound of Chaos (11 page)

“Brought
you some soup and biscuits,” I say cheerily.

He
sighs and then mumbles with a deep, croaking voice, “What’re you still doing
here?”

“They
breed those hoity-toity bitches tough in Charleston,” I say, drawing the
burgundy leather wingback chair closer to the bed. It was heavier than it
looked, but I wasn’t about to show him that. “So if you wanna get rid of me,
you’re gonna have to try harder.”

“I’m
a piece of shit, Elle. You shouldn’t be wasting your time on me.”

“Why?
Because you’re here and they ain’t?”

“I
bet you could start a fight in an empty house, couldn’t ya?” He grits his
teeth, and I can see I’ve hit a nerve. “You don’t know shit about it.”

“You’re
right, I don’t, because you won’t let me in unless you’re as drunk as Cooter
Brown. I know you don’t wanna relive it, and you probably don’t want to hear
what I’m going to say, but as the woman who just cleaned your puke up off the
floor, I think I have a right to be heard. You ain’t broken, and you ain’t
alone. Me and Spence ain’t goin’ anywhere. So you can say as many ugly things
as that beautiful brain of yours can come up with, but you can’t scare me away.
I got your number, Jake Tucker. And I’m warnin’ you now, I don’t give up on the
people I care about.”

“Do
you know what my granddaddy told me when I deployed after being promoted to
Staff Sergeant? He said, ‘You got five men under your command, Sergeant; you
make sure you bring ’em all home.’ Do you know how many I brought home?” A
bitter laugh fills the space between us. “None. I didn’t even come home. I left
a piece of myself back there in that desert and I can’t ever get it back. So
you best let go of the idea that you can fix me, because this is all that’s
left. War raped me in the ass with a fucking AK47, and I’m riddled with too
many holes to tape a Band-Aid over. I got nothin’ left worth saving.”

“I
don’t believe that.”

“You
don’t?” he says gruffly. I suspect he’s still a little drunk, and he’s
definitely still angry. Maybe he’s pissed at me for callin’ him out, maybe he’s
angry with himself, and maybe he has a right to be. But he also has a right to
live and not feel guilty because of it.

“Nope,
I don’t.” I sit forward, grab the spoon from the tray, and fill it with chicken
noodle broth.

“I
don’t need you to feed me, Elle. I’m not a fucking kid,” he snaps, turning his
head away just like Spence used to as a baby.

“You
got somethin’ against my cookin’?”

“It’s
emasculating.”

“My
cooking? Or having someone look after you?” I ask, and he scowls. I set the
spoon down. “I feel sorry for you, Jake. You’ve spent so long building that
wall around yourself that you don’t even know that every day since we met I’ve
been chipping away at that thing and I finally made a hole. I let the light
back in.”

He
swallows hard, and I know he knows it’s true. He won’t admit to it though, so I
get to my feet and walk to the door. Jake won’t listen to reason tonight, and I
have another man to tend to. I’ve never missed a tuck-in yet, and I don’t plan
on missing one now.

 
“If you were smart, you’d stay away,”
he warns, quietly.

“If
you were smart, you’d beg me not to,” I say from the doorway. “Finish that
broth and take your dog out. I’ll see you in the morning, Jake.”

I
collect my keys and purse, and the extra soup I packed up for my dinner from
the dining table on my way out. In truth, I’m not so sure about leaving him by
himself, but my son needs me. I can’t do any more for Jake than what I’ve already
done.

I
just hope it’s enough.

Jake

E
llie
hasn’t been by in two days. Not at the park, and not at my front door. I know I
don’t deserve her kindness after being so cruel, but it’s making me crazy not
being able to see her right now.

Everything
she’d said was right. She has been chipping away at those walls and she’s broken
through, and I should have begged her to stay. I thought she’d meant it when
she’d said she’d be back to check on me the next day, and though I didn’t
deserve it, I’d been gutted when she hadn’t shown. I’ve found a woman who understands
me, who doesn’t care if I am damaged or scarred, and I’ve found a kid who makes
me feel like I have a reason for sticking around. It doesn’t matter that I
won’t take those steps to make Ellie mine, even though I want to, because
neither one of them looks at me like I am damaged goods.

There
isn’t a single person in this town who looks at me and doesn’t see a fucked up
POW. Somehow though, when Ellie and Spencer look, they just see me.

But
I’ve gone and cocked it all up. I can’t just go over there. If she wanted me in
their lives, she’d have come to see me. She’s been hurt before, that much was
clear from day one, and she has her son to think about. I don’t blame her for
changing her mind where I’m concerned.

I
gotta get out of here. Take a walk and clear my head.

My
body aches today. My whole left side feels like a live wire, and the shrapnel
embedded in my leg feels like it’s on the move again, so as much as I ache and
my muscles protest, I get up from my chair and fix Nuke’s lead to his collar
and we head out.

Only
the second my shoes hit the pavement that nice, relaxing walk is all but
forgotten. We start out jogging, but it’s an all-out run before I’ve cleared
the driveway. Nuke keeps up with me and before long I’m pushing through the
pain and picking up even more speed. I follow the same route I take every day,
only this time I run right past North Beach Park and keep on runnin’ until we
reach the end of the pier, then we both come to a gasping, halting stop. A
couple of locals enjoying the warmth of the late afternoon sun on the pier give
me strange looks, but that’s not unusual.

We
pant, me doubled over and Nuke lying down on the salt-ravaged pier, his large
tongue lolling out the side of his mouth. I reach over and scratch his ear
while I catch my breath for several beats. Every part of me hurts. I think I
moved all the damn shrapnel in my left side. I laugh as I imagine it all
shiftin’ around like little staples in a box. Or magnets, all ripping through
my muscles to join together. I stare out at Mobile Bay and take a few deep
breaths, wanting a long soak in Epsom salts to ease the aches and pains, but
I’ll likely shower and fall asleep on the couch.

After
pushing myself like that, the part I loathe is the walk home. I look down at
Nuke. “Come on, buddy.”

He
seems as impressed with this idea as I am, but if we don’t go while my muscles
are still warm, we might be spending the night on this pier or sleeping beneath
it. I tend to seize up after a hard run. That don’t stop me doing it from time
to time.

Instead
of going back the way we came, I head toward the center of town. I don’t know
why. Something just tells me to go that way. I’m approaching the bank on S
Section Street, across from the French Quarter, when I spot Elle, withdrawing
money from the ATM. I slow and yank on Nuke’s collar for him to stop. She isn’t
alone. Spencer sits in the back seat of her car parked at the curb, waiting,
and a man with tattoos, a ripped T-shirt, and a shaved head crowds her in as he
leans his arm against the wall. She hands him the wad of bills, and he sneers
and spits on the ground beside her. A muscle in my cheek twitches. He grabs her
arm and leads her to the car, and in three seconds flat I find myself standing
behind them both.

“Elle?”
I say. She don’t turn around. In fact, she reaches for the car’s door handle,
but he’s blocking her way. “You okay here?”

“She’s
fine. Fuck off,” the guy says, stepping out around her.

“Just
leave it, Jake.” Ellie turns and meets my gaze for only a second, and then she
glances at the ground, pulling her purse up on her shoulder as tears roll down
her face. She’s sportin’ one hell of a black eye and a puffy cheek.

“Son-of-a-bitch,”
I hiss and move toward him. No one should get to lay a hand on a woman and not
get their ass beaten for it.

Ellie
steps in front of me. “No, Jake, just walk away. Please.”

“He
did this to you?”

“Yeah,
I did it,” he snarls. “Imagine my surprise when I get out of prison, finally
track down my wife two states over, and see she’s been fuckin’ some freak soldier
boy while I been locked away up in Estill.”

My
gaze cuts to Ellie. “Wife?”

“Jake,”
she sobs. “I can explain.”

“I
can explain,” he mocks in a high-pitched voice. “You gonna explain to me,
darlin’, why you were letting another man fuck you in front of my kid? Even if
he is a fuckin’ little retard, you got everythin’ that was comin’ to you.”

I
shift my weight onto my left foot and slam my fist into the side of his face
with a clean upper-cut. He rocks back with the blow and drops like a sack of
shit, and then I lay into him with my foot to his gut, his ribs, and his face,
until I know that asshole is out cold and ain’t going nowhere. Behind me, Elle
screams. Nuke nudges my side in an attempt to bring me back, and Spencer wails
from the backseat.

I’m
breathing hard, and I have to wrestle with my head that’s tellin’ me to finish
him, but I turn and see the fear on their faces and the fight to come back from
that darkness, that place where I become machine trained by the United States
Marines and no longer man, just vanishes. I’m shakin’, not from the adrenaline
or the fight, but from their reaction to the monster inside me. I scan the
street. Everyone is watching. I swallow hard and walk towards Ellie. She gasps,
placing her hand over her mouth to hide her shock.

“Get
in the car.”

Her
eyes grow wide as dinner plates, and her whole body trembles. “You can’t just
leave him there like that.”

I
move closer and she shrinks back against the passenger-side door. “Give me the
keys, Elle, and get in the car.”

Her
eyes dart back to her husband on the ground. I know he hasn’t gotten up yet. No
one ever got up that quick after a KO. “Jake.”

“Get
in the goddamn car!”

With
shaking hands, she holds out the keys for me and climbs in the passenger side.
I open the door to the back seat and order Nuke to jump up, and then I round
the car and climb into the driver’s seat and start the ignition. No one utters
a word as we drive, though Ellie and Spencer both quietly sob’. I pull the car
to a stop outside of the Fairhope Police Department.

“What
are we doing here?” Ellie says, fishing a Kleenex out of her purse.

I
shut off the car and pull the keys from the ignition. “You’re filing a
restraining order.”

“No,
Jake,” she says. “Just take us home.”

“He
hit you before?” I ask. She nods. “He ever hit Spence?

“No.”

“He
will. You stay with him, you do nothing about this, and he’ll just keep coming.
He’ll keep lashing out with his fists until he kills you both.”

“Jake,”
she warns, turning to check on Spencer, who is snuggled up to Nuke’s fur and
cryin’ softly.

“Mamma,”
he whimpers. “Is my daddy gonna kill us?”

“Shh,
Spencer, no,” she sobs. “He ain’t gonna hurt us again.”

I
clench my jaw so tight I hear my teeth groan. “I’m gonna take you in there.
You’ll file a report, and then you’ll come stay with me for a few days.”

“I
can’t do that. Spence has school. There’s a million things I have to do at
home.”

“I’m
ain’t giving you a choice, Elle.” I climb out of the car and walk around to the
passenger side. Opening her door, I wait for her to get out. She does,
reluctantly, and then she opens Spencer’s door. The kid gives me a wide birth
and surprises us both by grabbing onto his mother’s legs. I’ve scared the hell
out of them. I would have preferred that they never saw me that way, but I
can’t do nothin’ about it now. All I can do is try and make the violence right.
I can protect them from some douchebag ex-con, but it won’t do no good if she’s
dead. I don’t think a piece of paper is gonna do shit in the way of keepin’ her
safe, but her husband is a convicted felon, so it might mean the difference
between him being picked up or not.

One
by one, we file into the station, me with Nuke’s lead wrapped around my wrist,
my T-shirt spattered with blood, my knuckles busted up. Ellie’s beautiful face
is bruised black and blue, and Spencer clings to his mamma for dear life.

Sergeant
Murphy takes a statement from me and photographs of Elle’s face. When he asks
her if she has any concealed injuries she breaks down and a female officer I
don’t know ushers her into a private room alone to obtain evidence. I see red,
and I wish I’d continued beating that worthless motherfucker until his brains
painted the pavement. It takes everything I have not to get up and go find him
to finish the job, but Spencer would be all alone while he waited for his
mamma, and though he’s been giving me a wide berth, when a younger man with
tattoos and a buzz-cut, his wrists in cuffs, marches by with a police escort, Spencer
moves one seat closer to me. I don’t dare touch him for fear of frightening him
even more than I already have, but I order Nuke to sit by his feet, and the boy
gives me a gloomy smile.

Several
hours later, we leave exhausted and hungry and with an RO in Ellie’s
possession. It’s something that will stand up in court. If this asshole ever
tries to lay a finger on her again, he’ll be sent right back to lock-up where
he belongs.

I
drive back to my house and shut off the engine. Despite it not being his
regular routine, Spencer fell asleep in the car on the way home. The boy was
pretty shaken up, which makes me wonder what he saw these last two days while I
wasn’t around. I glance at Ellie, who’s staring out the window at my yard. The
weight of the silence between us presses down on my skin, suffocating me, and I
sigh. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”

She
doesn’t say anything; she just sits there staring up at my house. “I want to go
home.”

“I
can’t let you do that.”

“You
can’t stop me,” she sneers in a whispered hush, careful not to wake Spencer. I
just raise a brow. “So you’re going to keep us forever?”

Yes,
I think, and chide myself internally. She’s not mine to keep, but she’s
certainly not his either.

“Take
me home, Jake.”

“No.
Not until he’s no longer a threat to you or your boy.”

“He
got what he came for—practically cleaned out my savings account. I got no way
of paying my rent this month, but his bark is worse than his bite.”

“That
why your face is all banged up?” I slide the keys out of the ignition and tuck
them in my pocket. I ain’t giving them back to her until I know she ain’t gonna
run. “Where else did he hurt you?”

She
shakes her head and turns away from me and then her soft sobs fill the car. I
don’t touch her because I’m not sure she wants me to, but it takes everything I
have not to do it.

“Did
he—”

“No.
He tried, but he was so drunk he couldn’t keep it up long enough to do any damage.”

My
hands shake on the wheel, and guilt slides its ugly fingers around my throat
and squeezes. I’ve been such a bastard to her, drunk off my ass and spewin’
hurtful empty words, and then she was faced with a physically abusive drunk
when she returned home. I should have swallowed my stupid pride and checked in on
her. I could have stopped this before it even begun.

“Come
on, angel. Let’s go inside.”

She
nods, but doesn’t make a move to open her car door, so I slide from my seat and
do it for her. I let Nuke out, and then I lift Spence from his seat and carry
him upstairs into the spare room beside mine. I lay him gently on the bed and
I’m grateful he doesn’t wake, because the last thing Elle needs right now is a
meltdown.

Ellie
watches him for several moments before quietly exiting the room, and then she
just stands there, lookin’ lost. I reach out and place my hand on the back of
her head, pulling her into me, and she breaks down sobbing. She buries her head
in my chest, her tears soaking through the fabric of my shirt. I hold her. It
should feel awkward, I should want to pull away, but I don’t. It’s been so long
since I held a woman in my arms, I forgot what it felt like to comfort another
and find peace with someone so close. I kiss her hair and let her cry into my
chest, and the moment is as perfect as it is torturous. She looks up at me with
her tear-stained face and a beat passes where the breath between us mingles and
you could cut the tension with a knife. I take a step back, out of the warmth
of her embrace. I didn’t bring her here for that, and under no circumstances do
I want her to mistake my intentions.