Trade Winds (Choc Lit) (33 page)

‘Lord gi’ me patience,’ Adair muttered. ‘She’s wi’ child. Your wife’s havin’ a bairn.’

‘What?’ Killian sat down abruptly on his own bunk and blinked. He was completely pole-axed and his brain couldn’t seem to take in what Adair had said. A child? How was that possible? No, it couldn’t be. He wanted to protest that they’d only made love once and surely that wasn’t enough, but he knew it was a ridiculous argument. It was perfectly feasible and he remembered now he hadn’t been as careful as he’d intended to be. At the time, he’d been completely carried away by the wonder of finally making Jessamijn his.

He looked at Jess, but she was still studying the ceiling while fiddling with a tress of blonde hair as if she couldn’t quite keep still.

‘Adair, I think you’d better go,’ she said, her voice quivering slightly.

Adair ducked out the door without another word, leaving them in an uncomfortable silence. Killian didn’t know what to say and Jess seemed just as lost for words. The enormity of the situation hit him with full force and he felt as if someone had punched him in the gut, knocking all the wind out of him.

‘Dear God, why didn’t you say something?’ he exclaimed at last.

She sat up and sent him a wary glance from under her eyelashes. He could see she was trembling with emotion now and he had a sudden urge to take her into his arms to reassure her. She looked away and murmured, ‘I wasn’t sure until recently and it didn’t really make a difference anyway.’

‘Of course it bloody makes a difference! If I’d known, I’d have …’

‘What?’ She faced him with a frown. ‘You think you would have found me passage back to Sweden more easily if you’d known?’

‘Yes! No, I mean … damn it all, woman, what do we do now?’

To his utter amazement Jess smiled at him ruefully. ‘I imagine we wait for the birth of our child, just like everyone else. There’s really nothing else we
can
do, is there? Nature will take its course.’ She sent him a pleading glance. ‘Please don’t be angry. I was going to tell you, you know, but sometimes things go wrong in the first few months and I didn’t want to scare you for nothing.’

‘I’m not angry, b
ut Jessamijn − we’re going to China!’

She shrugged again, some colour returning to her cheeks. ‘Women have babies all the time, even in China, I suppose. I just hope the poor mite isn’t born here on the ship.’ She counted quietly on her fingers. ‘I’m guess
ing it will be a September baby. Will we have reached our destination by then, do you think?’

‘I have no idea. Good Lord, this is a disaster.’

Killian tried not to think of all the implications – a pregnant woman travelling thousands of leagues across the oceans, possibly giving birth in a ship full of men who would have no idea what to do. Then the baby, small and vulnerable – his imagination ran riot and supplied him with images of suffering he didn’t want to see. He shuddered. So much could go wrong, it didn’t bear thinking of. There was also the fact that they couldn’t possibly continue to pretend Jess was a boy.

‘You don’t want to be a father? Well, you should have thought of that before our wedding night,’ Jess replied sharply, misunderstanding his words.

‘No, it’s not that. I’m just thinking of everything that can happen. How can you be so calm?’ Killian was sure that in her shoes, he’d have been terrified. In fact, he was petrified now, on her behalf.

‘Babies don’t scare me. My mother has given birth to at least eight children that I know of, and she never had any problems birthing them. There’s no reason I should either. And I know how to look after little ones, I’ve had plenty of practice. Besides, if something’s going to go wrong, it would do so on land as well. It is God’s will, isn’t it? I mean, look what happened to poor little James …’ She blinked away sudden tears, then shook her head. ‘But we mustn’t think like that. We have to be positive.’

Killian closed his eyes and tried to think logically. Of course she was right. He had just been thrown off balance by the surprise. If she wasn’t frightened herself, there was no reason why he should be either. Except for the fact that this was a huge responsibility, which he wasn’t sure he was prepared for. He was going to be a father.
Dear God in heaven
…

Looking at his wife, he was suddenly flooded by feelings of protectiveness. He had to keep her safe, and the child too, his little son or daughter. He went over to sit on her bunk and put a hand on her arm. ‘Do you … can you feel it?’ he asked, glancing towards her belly which was hidden from view by the waistcoat. It seemed no different than before.

‘No, it’s probably too soon. Perhaps in another few months.’ She swung her legs over the side and sat up next to him, leaning her head on his shoulder for a moment. Without thinking, he put his arm around her and pulled her close. It felt good to hold her and for once she wasn’t bristling at him but accepted his touch as if she needed to depend on him. He realised that was what he wanted, frightening though it was.

‘You will tell me, won’t you?’ he said. ‘I mean, I’d like to be a part of this, somehow.’

She smiled up at him. ‘Yes, of course I will.’

‘And if there’s anything you need, you’ve only to say.’

She raised her eyebrows at him. ‘Now don’t go too soft on me, or I won’t recognise the man I married,’ she teased.

He smiled back. ‘Don’t worry, I’m going to be very stern with you and to begin with, I’m ordering you to rest this morning. No more writing, do you hear?’

‘I’m not sick, you know. The queasiness will pass by lunchtime, like Adair said.’

‘Maybe so, but I won’t have you over-tiring yourself. Now lie down, please, or I’ll have to push you down myself.’

‘Aye, aye, sir, anything you say.’

Killian left her to rest, still feeling as if someone had punched him too hard, but he couldn’t help a silly grin from spreading across his features.

He was going to be a father.

The following morning Jess was surprised to be woken rather later than usual, and by Killian instead of Adair. He put a plate of bread and cheese on the sea chest between their bunks, then produced a napkin containing a bunch of grapes from one pocket.

‘Good morning,’ he said. ‘Has the nausea passed yet or
would your rather I put this somewhere out of sight for now?’

‘Uhm, no, I’m fine thank you, but … where did you get those?’ She nodded towards the grapes.

Killian winked at her. ‘A leftover from the captain’s table which just happened to disappear.’

‘Killian! You didn’t steal them?’ She sat up and stared at him.

‘I wouldn’t call it that exactly. Don’t worry, no one will miss them and I thought they might be lighter on your stomach.’

Jess felt a warm glow spreading inside her at his thoughtfulness. ‘Well, thank you, but I don’t want to get you into any trouble.’

‘You won’t, trust me.’

He surprised her again by not leaving immediately. Instead he sat down on his bunk and pulled a handkerchief out of his other pocket. It seemed to be tied up and Jess watched with interest as he undid the knots.

‘I, uhm, believe I owe you something,’ he said with a little cough of embarrassment that was most unlike him.

‘You do?’

‘Yes. I promised you this, but never had the opportunity to give it to you. Besides, I wasn’t sure you still wanted it.’ He pulled out a small gold ring made of several strands twisted together in an intricate pattern which made it shimmer. Holding it out to her, he added, ‘But since there’s no going back now, I thought perhaps you’d like to have it. Am I right?’

Jess’ mouth fell open and she had to make a conscious effort to close it. ‘Killian! I … I don’t know what to say. It’s beautiful, thank you.’ She took it from him and put it on after first pulling off his signet ring. ‘Here, you’d better take this back.’

‘Yes, thank you. Are you sure you like it? If not, we can always get another.’

‘No, it’s perfect.’ Jess swallowed several times to stop the tears that welled up. ‘Thank you.’

He smiled and stood up. ‘My pleasure.’ He took her hands and pulled her to her feet so that she stood chest to chest with him. ‘Truce then?’

Jess could feel his heart beating, almost as fast as her own, and nodded. ‘Yes, absolutely.’

He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and left the cabin. Jess stood where he’d left her and put a hand up to the spot his lips had touched. She wondered whether his peace offering had been made just because of the baby, but either way, it made her happy that they were definitely not at odds with each other any longer. Friendship was better than nothing.

Jess could only marvel at the difference in Killian’s attitude towards her from that day onwards. As they continued towards the Canary Islands, he spent all his free time with her, talking, playing cards or reading out loud while she rested on her bunk. He managed to cajole or bribe the captain’s cook into giving him all sorts of tasty treats for her, such as fruit or newly grilled fish. In short, he seemed like a different man, but he still kept his distance physically.

About a week after they left Spain, the Canary Islands came into view and that evening Killian brought her up on deck for her usual outing. They stood side by side, leaning on the railing and looked at the dark smudge of the islands as they sailed past. There was no one else about and the only sound to be heard was the shushing noise of the waves as the prow pushed its way through the water and the flapping of sails above them.

Jess fanned herself with her hand. ‘It’s getting much warmer now, isn’t it? Adair said one of the sailors told him it will be almost unbearable soon.’

‘Yes, that’s what I heard too. The cabin will be stifling, but I don’t know what we can do about it.’

‘I’ll just have to wedge the door open a little and keep the porthole uncovered. Perhaps that will give me a slight breeze?’

Jess was very aware of Killian’s forearm, which was resting next to hers on the railing, his warm skin touching hers. A frisson ran through her as he moved a fraction, and she had to curb a sudden impulse to reach out and run her hand along the hard muscle of his arm. Breathing in the warm, sultry air, filled with the scents of fresh greenery, lemon trees and habitation, she felt at peace, standing there with her husband, their child growing inside her.

Suddenly a light appeared in the sky like fire, and they both gasped in unison.

‘What was that?’

‘I don’t know, but I did hear someone say there’s a volcano on one of the islands, so perhaps that’s it.’

‘You don’t think it will erupt, do you?’ Jess had just been reading Pliny the Younger’s account of the eruption of Mount Vesuvius when it destroyed the towns of Pompei and Herculaneum. The horrors of that were fresh in her mind.

‘No, and even if it did, I don’t think it could reach us here.’

‘I wouldn’t be too sure of that.’

‘Don’t worry.’ Killian moved behind her and put both arms around her in a protective gesture. ‘We’ll soon be gone from here, the wind is strong.’

Jess leaned back against him before she’d even had time to think about it. It felt so right, as if that was where she belonged. She had an urge to turn around in his arms and simply give herself up to his embrace. If he had moved then, kissed the top of her head or even nuzzled her neck, the way he used to do at Askeberga, she would have dragged him back to their cabin by force and begged him to make love to her again. He didn’t. Instead, he just continued to hold her without moving, as if he were made of stone. Jess wasn’t sure what to make of that, so she stood still too, confused and longing for more, but afraid of being the first one to make a move.

The truth was, she had no idea how to entice her husband into bed. She wasn’t even sure if he’d want her again. After all, that wasn’t why he had married her. He was probably only being nice to her now because she was pregnant, but at least he wasn’t angry with her any more, which was a relief.

She had to be happy with that.

Killian breathed in the scent of Jessamijn, who felt tiny and fragile in his arms. A bolt of desire shot through him and he would have liked nothing better than to make love to her right here, under the deep blue night sky, but he knew this wasn’t the time. He was very tempted to at least kiss her, but he couldn’t trust himself not to take it further if he did. It was better to resist altogether.

For one thing, she wasn’t supposed to be a woman, although he was pretty sure there were quite a few people who suspected as much by now. And if they did know, he couldn’t be seen to be enjoying her body when everyone else had to go without. It simply wasn’t fair and would cause no end of trouble. Cabin walls were thin and no doubt any lovemaking, however furtive, would be noticed by someone. It wasn’t an option.

Another problem was that he didn’t want to jeopardise the baby. He had come to realise how precious this new life was to him – and his wife too for that matter. There was no way he would risk either in any way. If anything should happen to them because of his own base desires, he would never forgive himself. It was as simple as that.

He had to admit that God’s ways really were mysterious. When the ship left Cadiz, he had decided to put the long months at sea to good use and try to woo his wife properly so that their marriage was no longer a sham when they returned to Gothenburg. Although the pregnancy had stopped his plans to drive her wild with desire for him, he now found himself courting her in a much more gentle manner, which she seemed to like. Obviously, this was God’s way of showing him he had been going about it all wrong.