Authors: Ellen Hopkins
Still the men beat her. Kick her. Stomp
on her. Goddamn it! “Hey, assholes!
You like beating up girls?” They
straighten, turn toward me.
This ain't no girl, dickwad,
says one.
Besides, what business is it of yours?
“She happens to be my friend.
But even if she wasn't, I'd have
to kick your ass.” Two against one.
Bad odds. But I have no choice,
so I wade in, hoping they don't rob
me when they're finished wasting me.
I hold my own for a while, and
barely feel the blows that connect.
Luck is with me in a couple of ways.
One, neither man seems to have
a weapon. And two, by the time
I'm actually losing the battle, a siren
is closing in. A huge set of knuckles
opens my forehead just above my left
eyebrow. The dudes take off running
as I drop to my knees, blood dripping.
I crawl over to Pippa, pull her skirt
down over her exposed crotch
before the cop can see it. She's
unconscious, breathing shallowly,
and bleeding a lot worse than I am.
I'm glad she can't see her face.
Son of a bitch! The cruiser pulls up
parallel to the sidewalk, and an officer
gets out, strolls over to take a peek.
You call this in? What happened?
“Can you, like, possibly arrange
for an ambulance or something?
In case you haven't noticed, they
messed her up pretty good.”
He actually bends over to check her pulse
and see if she's breathing.
I probably
should. You stay right here. I'll need
you to give me a statement, okay?
He sauntersâyeah, that's the wordâ
back to his car. I sit, pull Pippa's face
off the sidewalk and into my lap,
try to stroke her hair smooth. I know
she'd be mortified for anyone to see
her like this. “It's okay, lady,” I soothe.
“You're safe now.” She moans softly,
so maybe she hears me. Suddenly,
I remember the bottle in my sock.
The cop is busy reaching for something
so I take the opportunity to remove it
and roll it off to one side. Just in case.
To be a wise move. When the EMTs
arrive, one of them takes a look at
my face and decides I should go in
for stitches, which means I get to ride
with Pippa in the ambulance. They haul
her into the emergency room immediately.
I, on the other hand, get to wait for a while,
filling out paperwork, both for the hospital
and for the cop who impatiently followed
to bug me for that statement. Pretty
sure he thinks I was more involved with
the incident than happening onto it
by accident, but tough. What I write
is a truthful account of the facts as I know
them. By the time I finally arrive home,
forehead sewn back together and bandaged,
it's almost three in the morning. I expected
David to be worried. But he's fast asleep.
I, on the other hand, won't sleep tonight.
I go outside, call Micah, disturb his dreams.
That's what everyone
called me when I was a kid,
and truth is, they were
right
though they didn't know
just how screwed up I was.
I believe the correct word
is sociopath. I was born in the
wrong
century. Ancient Rome
would've been perfect for me,
as long as my circumstances
were royal. I mean,
who
wouldn't celebrate having sex
with any number of slaves,
then trading them in
for newer models as soon
as boredom sets in? I
really
wish I'd been born into
money, instead of having
to create an income stream.
Think of the opportunities, no
cares
in the world except having
an exceptional time just being
alive and getting laid by pretty
young girls like Whitney.
I'm plugged into my computer,
where online learning is boring
me to tears. Yes, I've got lots of
catching up to do, if I'm to start
school again after the winter break
and reintegrate with my classmates,
now halfway through their junior year.
But even if I log in hours upon
hours, read every entry, learn
every math trick, pass every test,
how do I manage going back there?
What's the point? To pretend
I'm a regular kid again?
Even trying to reconnect
with Paige has been strange.
Yes, because she's friends
with Skylar, and that bitch
hasn't changed one little bit.
But it's more than that. For
as much as Paige has altered
her appearance, dropping
poundage and tinting her spiky
hair pink, once you get past
the Skylar-inspired conceit,
she's still the same inside as
before I left. Goofy. Girly.
She likes shopping. Texting.
Dreaming about the perfect guy.
But me? Oh, I'm different.
Once you've immersed yourself
in ugliness, wallowed in it,
sponged it up and internalized
it, you can't cough it back up
and spit it out. It becomes hard
to find beauty in anything.
No matter where I look, I find
evil lurking. A monster sleeps
inside every man. Cop. Mechanic.
Minister. It doesn't matter. I can
see the beast he hides. I won't let
one of them sneak up on me again.
How am I supposed to sit in
a classroom, hurry through
the hallways, change for PE?
How am I supposed to have
fun goofing around with friends
who have no concept of reality?
How am I supposed to stay clean
when the truth of what I've done
closes in around me, squeezing
hideous memories from the deep
recesses of my brain, and what
I really want is the kind of sleep
only the Lady can provide?
How am I supposed to trust
enough to fall in love, knowing
every guy is defective?
(Still logging those online learning
hours!) while surfing the Web for
more exciting discoveries
than what chemistry can offer.
My news feed is full of them,
and the first story that catches
my eye is about a teen prostitute
whose body turned up rotting
north of Las Vegas. You know,
that could have been me, except
Bryn wasn't exactly the murder-
his-girls type. He was more
the help-them-OD type. Guess
I got lucky. The word makes
me snort. Yeah. Lucky. That's me.
Wonder how many girls just
disappear, sucked into the life
one way or another, only to die
at the hands of a pimp or a john,
no one to mourn them, or if there
is, those people have no idea
that their loved one met death
in such a brutal way. Is anyone
mourning Shayleece Reynolds?
Did anyone mourn her mother?
If I would've died there on that
stinking carpet, wonder how long
my family would have mourned me.
In schoolwork. Blow through
English and American history,
which aren't as boring as chem.
Dad says homeschooling isn't
a good path to college, but I
can't think past today, let alone
start plotting my future.
Mom pops her head in once
in a while to make sure I'm
performing, and when I finish
she has a surprise for me.
You've been working so hard.
I thought you might like to go
to the boardwalk. The rides
are closed this time of year,
of course, but there's Neptune's
Kingdom and the big arcade
and tonight is the holiday lights
train. What do you think?
She's letting me escape
the house? Surely not without
supervision. “You mean, go
alone or with you or what?”
No fun to do it alone. Why
don't you call Paige and see
if she wants to go along?
I'm happy to spring for it.
Is right on the beach. In summer,
it's really fun, but during the winter
months the rides close down and
you're left with indoor amusements.
Still, there's music and food and
arcade games, which I used to love.
At this point they seem pretty silly.
So, of course, Paige wants to play
them. When I invite her to come,
I think for sure she'll turn me
down. Skylar, apparently, is tied
up elsewhere, however, because
Paige is quick to say okay.
Mom drops us off a little after
three. We watch her drive away.
“Before we go inside, can we take
a walk on the beach? My feet
haven't touched sand in months.”
Las Vegas has sand,
she whines,
but then agrees to a short stroll.
It's a crackling cool, clear blue
day, and the sound of waves in
the distance lifts a mist of nostalgia.
The last time I was near the surf
was the day Bryn took pictures
of me. How can I possibly miss him?
Paige must be psychic because
she chooses this moment to say,
So tell me about modeling. Did
you make bank, or what?
I'm good at off-the-cuff lying.
“Not really. I was still building
my portfolio by doing local shoots.
I was also partying a lot. It goes
with the territory.” That part, at
least, is accurate enough.
Skylar says you were probably
doing porn. You weren't, were you?
“Skylar's a jealous whore. Tell
her I said doing porn would be
preferable to listening to her rude,
nasty comments. You can also
tell her she couldn't qualify to do
porn. She couldn't pass an audition.”
I can't believe your mom would
let you go to Vegas with that guy.
“Mom's more open-minded
than you'd think. Okay, my feet
have touched the sand enough.
The train's at five. Let's get tickets.”
I'm finished talking about Vegas.
Except Mom was really clear
that it should be part of the evening.
I think it's her own nostalgia.
We used to ride it every year
when Kyra and I were little.
Dad used to come along, too.
“You don't mind riding the train,
do you? Pretty sure Mom would
be disappointed if we didn't.”
Are you kidding? Santa Claus
and candy canes are two of
my favorite things.
See?
That's the old Paige right there.
We have to wait almost an hour
to board. As daylight fails and
the lights glitter on, I start to feel
pretty good. Like maybe I don't
really need a romp with the Lady
after all. But soon enough, we run
into a few people I used to know
at school. They all ask where I've
been and I feed them the same
tired story I shared with Paige.
After a while I kind of want to tell
them I was doing porn, if only
to see the shock in their eyes and
determine the velocity of rumors.
Once the locomotive gets
rolling through town. It chugs
through neighborhoods
where many people have
decorated their homes to
the max for the enjoyment
of the entire city, including
us holiday train passengers.
It's fun to watch the children,
especially the young ones,
whose eyes grow wider and
wider as they wait for Santa
to vacate the caboose and make
an appearance in the cars. Funny,
but I've never even thought
about having kids of my own.
I'd probably be a crap mother,
but, hey, you never know.
Was that just me, thinking
I might be able to have
something approaching
a normal life, after only
a few hours ago being very
sure that wasn't possible,
because of a train ride?
Maybe my mom knows
a thing or two after all.
Is crowded with families
enjoying everything from
pool to bowling to pinball,
plus a huge variety of electronic
games. Christmas carols loop
in the background, and the whole
place is done up with ornaments
and tinsel. It's fake, fake, fake.
But still, it's very pretty. I think
I'm starting to define “bipolar.”
Before long, one thing starts to
stand out. I noticed it on the train,