Tragic Love (10 page)

The one person who has surprised me in this entire fucked up mess is Jake. I was really worried. I assumed once he found out that I was trying to have an abortion he would never let me live it down and pass his judgmental opinion, but it’s the exact opposite. From what Delilah says, he would have supported whatever decision I would have made. He said it’s my life and I should choose to live it how I see fit. I really don’t know where this side of Jake has been living, though I kind of like it.

He and Delilah have been spending a lot of time together this summer and I’m grateful. I’ve been a mess with everything that’s been going on and I’ve left her out on her own. After her Mini Cooper was smashed to hell by some local bastards, Jake has been more than willing to give her rides to her internship and keeps her entertained. I find their relationship funny. One moment they are laughing and having a gay ole time, then the next they are screaming at each other. I don’t pretend to understand their friendship. Delilah says he’s the most frustrating person she’s ever met, yet he also understands her more than anyone she’s ever met. If anything does happen between the two of them before she leaves next week it will be earth shattering and I’m not sure if it will be in a good way.

Delilah has a boyfriend she’s been with for the last nine months and, according to her, he’s the perfect guy. I don’t buy it, but to each their own. Like the way things initially happened between Drake and me. I honestly think Jake’s being so affectionate towards Delilah because he thinks he can charm her virginity away, but little does he know Delilah is just as stubborn as he is. She simply has a more dignified way of showing it.

Jeremy was the last person to know and I’m assuming Drake said something to him while they were working in the garage. Yet, in true Jeremy fashion, he just shrugged it off and kept any emotion he had hidden inside. I don’t understand him at all, and the more I try to study him,the more he confuses me. All he seems to care about is cars, drag racing—which is in full swing—and whomever he’s texting on his phone.

If he’s not under the hood of some car, he’s got his cell phone planted in front of his face talking to someone. In the almost three years of knowing him, I’ve never seen him with a girl or with anyone other than the members of his family. He has a few acquaintances through drag racing, but no one significant. It just baffles me.

***

Another three weeks have passed by.

Delilah is gone and I never thought I would feel as alone as I do now. She’s gone back to Memphis and there are now fourteen hours between her and I. Not that I confided in her too much with my latest demons, but she’s always had a way of reading the true me. I am sad she’s gone because she is full of life and fun, but I’m glad I don’t have to live under her scrutiny anymore.

The bigger I get, the more depressed I feel. I look like an alien is protruding from my stomach, and now I’m starting to feel the thing move inside of me. Drake and I are still in the same place we were a few weeks ago, only talking about the baby. He has yet to move past any other paths of communication, and I don’t want to upset the delicate balance of conversation we already have. Where his touches once were my lifeline, his voice soon replaced that because it’s been months since he’s touched me. I will take anything he is willing to give. I don’t want something as stupid as my fears taking that away from me.

Today we have our ultrasound appointment. Drake has not attended a doctor’s visit since the first because of work, but he refused to miss this one. As much as I want him there to see the little monster growing inside of me, I don’t know if I can see it. I don’t have any love for it and I can’t let that show in front of Drake.

I am sitting on the bed in what has become my room. It’s my old room. Since Delilah left, the room has taken an institutional like affect. The walls are stark white, bedding is a pale blue comforter with very little stuffing inside and there is nothing indicating someone sleeps here. Yet, this is where I’ve spent the last several weeks of my life, staring at the blankness of the walls, getting an eerie look into my future.

Will the fear I’m harboring inside myself send me to an institution? Will Drake put me there once I deliver the baby? Maybe it’s best for everyone if I lock myself up and keep the poisonous thoughts away from the ones I love.

A light knock sounds from the other side of the door before Drake cracks it open, looking amazing as usual. His blackish-brown hair is cut very short to his head and he is now growing a beard across his jaw. He looks very rugged, sexy and unbelievably perfect. The dark jeans hang low on his hips and underneath the gray, long sleeve t-shirt lives the sexiest set of abs in creation. God, it’s been so long since I’ve touched his skin, felt the warmth of his hands glide down my body and the wetness of his kisses. I let out deep sigh as the hormones start to rage, sending a direct current of heat to my core.

“Are you ready?” His tone is stoic and quiet.

I only nod. I can’t seem to keep my emotions under control anymore, and if I say something, the tears will surely follow. I stand from the bed and pull down my oversized t-shirt. I grab a hoodie from the closet then follow Drake down the hall and out the back door. The cool fall air brushes against my cheeks and I see the leaves are starting to change.

The enormous oaks towering in the backyard are my favorite part of this house. They are so full of life, changing with every season. I’m envious of the trees because each year they shed the baggage that’s been weighing the limbs down, forgetting the tiniest imperfections. Then, in the spring, the trees start over from the beginning, filled with new life and blooming possibilities. I only wish I could have started fresh after my time living with Robert Stein, then maybe I would see the good in the world instead of the horror.

As we plod down the steps, Drake comes around to the passenger side of the Chevelle and opens the door for me; a gesture that’s been forgotten since this entire mess started. I feel the flutter in my heart and my hope is soon dashed when the thing inside me moves. He is only doing this because I’m pregnant, not because he wants to rectify our situation.

When we walk into the doctor’s office, it’s the same as any other physician’s office. A reception’s desk located just inside the main glass door, fake plants hanging from the ceiling, pictures of landscapes covering the walls, and of course, the most uncomfortable plastic chairs ever made.

I walk up to the desk and alert the receptionist about our appointment. She has me fill out a form and sends me to the waiting area where I find Drake sitting with his hands folded in his lap and his eyes fixed to the carpet. The office is empty today, which differs from the last couple of times I was here. The only patient is a very pregnant woman sitting across from us, reading a magazine as nurses laugh behind the reception area. I fill out the form and walk it back up to the desk.

Drake meets my eyes for the first time in what feels like centuries, giving me a half smile. It fills me with so much love and breaks my heart all at the same time. The tears begin to pool in my eyes, but I shut them down. I can’t break down here.

Drake turns his head to the side as I sit next to him. He is studying me with his eyes, moving them over my body, focusing on my stomach. Then, as he moves them up, they stop on my eyes. My breath hitches because this is the first time he’s given me any attention since I tried to abort the thing in my stomach. His mouth opens like he’s trying to speak, however he is soon interrupted by the sound of a nurse calling my name.

I scream internally in my head,
nice timing, skank
. Then get up and follow her down the hall. After she takes my weight, I pee in a cup and then shuffle myself into the dark room where Drake is waiting. I’m getting anxious about everything that is going to happen. Drake is sitting in the chair next to the bed, staring at the odd looking machine with a wand and tiny screen affixed to it. He doesn’t say anything, just keeps his eyes ahead, never meeting mine.

Just as I’m going to break the silence, the doctor comes in with a huge grin on his face. I fucking hate him, no one should be that happy. God! I just want to leave. Please let this be over with soon. I can’t bear being this close to Drake and not touching him.

“Okay, are you ready to see your baby?” Drake and I both glance at each other and nod. Neither one of us shows any excitement or emotion for our situation.

The doctor stands to my side and rolls up the hem of my shirt exposing my growing belly then tucks it under my bra. Next, he slides the top of my yoga pants down and my entire midsection is naked and covered in goose bumps from the cold air. Drake looks at my bump and his eyes grow wide with amazement.

Dr. Kohen is squirting warm jelly on my stomach and then starts punching keys on the ultrasound machine. “Okay, here we go. Let’s see how your little one is doing.” The screen comes to life. The wand is swiping back and forth as he explains what we are seeing on the screen. Then, he punches more buttons, printing pictures as he goes. “Presley, Drake, do you want to know the sex of your baby?”

I am completely unprepared for this question. Do I want to know what kind of thing I’m having? It will only make this entire situation that much more real. I still haven’t accepted it yet and I don’t know if I ever want to. If we name it, then it’s real. Panic rises in my chest and bile is pushing its way up my throat. My eyes start to prick with tears and I blink frantically to keep them from falling.

Drake doesn’t look at me as he answers the doctor’s question. “Yes.”

Smiling with a big grin, the doctor says, “It’s a girl. She is growing perfectly and her heartbeat is strong.”

A girl? Are you fucking kidding me? I already don’t know what the hell am I going to do with a baby, but a girl? They are emotionally impossible to deal with—case in point, me—and she will have Drake wrapped so tightly around his finger. He’s always had a weakness for girls—women—and now I’m growing one. This could not have gone worse if Satan planned it himself.

The doctor wipes the gel off my belly and disposes the towels in the trash. He says he will give us a minute and steps from the room. My shirt is still raised up. I don’t think I can move to pull it back down. I am completely shocked and disappointed and the weight of my disappointment is crushing down on me.

I turn my head to Drake to see he is staring at my stomach, just like he did when he first saw it. Then, he does something I’ve been craving for the last twenty weeks of my life, he touches me. I don’t realize when he stands up because all I care about is his warm skin on mine.

The tears I once held tightly in my eyes start to leak and run down the side of my face. Both of his hands cup the bump growing from my stomach and he palms it like it’s the most delicate thing in the world as well as the most precious.

Drake

I was feeling very nervous about seeing my child on the screen, but when Delilah informed me how important this appointment is, I practically begged my boss to have the afternoon off. Now I know exactly what Delilah was referring to because no words can describe how miraculous it is to see the child you created growing inside of the woman you love more than life itself.

It’s then I realize, I need to forgive Presley. What she did to me is fucked up beyond words, but we can’t survive this way forever; passing random glances and remaining cold and distant. Looking at her growing belly proves I’ve already missed so much of what she’s going through. I’m sure it hasn’t been easy with me acting like a childish dick for the last couple of months.

Reggie’s words come back to me and I know he’s right. I don’t want to live my life with regrets for the choices I’ve made. Presley is my soul and I’ve been damaged goods from the absence of her in my life.

The urge to feel my baby inside her belly takes over my hands, making them move on their own accord, and soon, I am cupping her soft skin and the hard bump of her stomach. It’s incredible. My emotions finally give way as my vision begins to blur from the water coating my eyes.

I stand over her, refusing to let go of the life inside her stomach and bend down to give my baby girl a kiss. I press my lips just below her belly button and allow the tears to drip onto her trembling skin. I want her to feel the emotion she stirs inside of me. I want her to know how much the last several weeks has taken its toll on my heart. I don’t want her to be alone in all of this. Twenty weeks is long enough to suffer in heartache and I can’t bear another second of it.

I look over to her and see what my touch has done to her. She’s broken and I need to put her back together. I need to make this okay because we can’t raise this baby without being together, acting like we are. I let go of her belly and cup her cheeks in my hands, wiping the stray tears with my thumbs.

When her eyes meet mine, I crumble and tell her what she’s needed to hear from the start of this mess, “I love you, Presley. And I’m so sorry. I promise I will always take care of you and our baby.” I place my lips to hers and the sparks of our love ignite, running warmth throughout my body.

She looks up into my eyes and through her sobs, she whimpers, “I’m sorry, too. I was just scared and I panicked. I knew keeping my pregnancy from you would hurt you, but I… I just freaked out.”

I have no more words to say. What I need to do is feel her. I press my lips to hers again, but I keep the kisses soft and sweet, gently moving my lips against hers, lightly brushing my tongue into her mouth.

Fueled by need, we quickly exit the room and walk to the desk to schedule the next appointment. I have not taken my hand from hers. The doctor gets our attention before we walk out the door, handing us an envelope with
Baby’s First Picture
written on the outside. I can’t help the joy from spreading across my face.

Once in the car, Presley slides as close as she can to me and I keep my hand tightly entwined with hers. It’s been so long since I felt her skin. I didn’t realize until now how painful it was to not have her next to me and in my arms.