Transcendence (25 page)

I only want a taste.

I wait patiently until breakfast is cooked, and after we eat, Beh gathers up the bedding furs in a pile, along with the extra wrap I cut for her from the boar’s hide, and stacks it all by the cave entrance. She slings the carrying basket over her shoulder and wraps her feet up with the funny foot coverings. Realizing she is ready to work for the day, I grab my spear in hopes of finding a large animal that is maybe docile or hurt enough for me to kill it. I should dig another pit trap, but I think gathering the easier foods might be better for my mate in the long run than spending days trying to catch a large animal.

We could use the extra fur, but we also have enough to get by for the winter. Some of it will need to be replaced by spring or at least moved to the bottom of the pile in the sleeping area. Between the foods we have already gathered, the boar and antelope meat as well as the fish, we should have enough dried meat for the winter. I’ll just have to supplement it with some rabbits during the colder months.

While I fish at the lake, Beh washes the furs in the cold water. As I wait patiently for a fish to come close enough for me to spear it, I remember last night. I think about what it felt like to join with my mate. When I glance over at Beh, I see her kneeling by the edge of the water.

My mouth goes a little dry, and my penis immediately stands at attention. My spear and the fish forgotten, I am drawn to my mate. I loosen and remove my wrap as I near her, allowing it to fall to the ground as I keep going. Beh hears my approach and glances over her shoulder, and her smile quickly changes to wide, staring eyes that focus below my waist.

She makes some noises, but I do not hesitate. I drop to my knees behind her and pull her furs to the side. The little pink scrap of fabric is thankfully absent, and I barely register the same color out of the corner of my eye in a pile of things Beh has been washing, lying off to the side.

Trying to ignore the throbbing desire between my own legs, I remember my lesson from this morning and find her opening with my fingers first. I rub the spot she likes so much until she is gasping for breath, and I can feel moisture on my fingers. I slide one inside of her, move it in and out, and then add another. When she feels ready, I take my penis in my hand and position myself.

I hear Beh’s gasp as I push slowly inside of her for the second time today. She rocks back as I enter her, easing my journey deep inside. I close my eyes, and I can feel the velvety texture of her channel as it covers me and engulfs me. I hold her hips firmly as I begin to move in and out, trying not to give into the desire to move rapidly. Moving too fast is bound to make me fill her quickly, and I want this to last a little while.

I remember my promise to myself from this morning, and I lean over her with my chest to her back, reach around and find the swollen little nub right above where I’ve entered her. Beh cries out as soon as I run my finger over it, and I feel her internal muscles clench down around my penis.

I am not expecting that.

“
Hoh! Hoh!” I cry out as my hips rebel against my thoughts and thrust harder into her. A moment later, I empty myself deep inside her body.

With my forehead resting between her shoulder blades, I move slowly with shallow motions as I keep touching her spot. With my semen lubricating her inside, it is not difficult to keep thrusting inside of her, even though my penis isn’t very stiff anymore. Beh groans as she reaches back to grab the wrist of the hand that still grasps her hip. She pulls it up to her chest and pushes it firmly against her covered breast.

I’m not sure what she wants me to do, so I grip and rub her breast with the same rhythm as my fingers near her entrance. I soon feel her nipple harden through the leather and try to pull at it. Beh’s hand covers mine between her legs, and she pushes firmly against it as she pants my name-sound a few times before she hums and gasps.

Her legs shake as she cries out once more, and I release her breast so I can wrap my arm around her waist and keep her from falling to the ground. I want to do the same myself, really, but the rough sand near the lake isn’t the most comfortable place for a nap. Besides, even though I have slept in the open in the past, I have Beh to protect now. No mate of mine will ever sleep outside of our cave. It isn’t safe.

I help her stand on shaky legs and hold her tightly against me as she rests her head on my shoulder. My hands run over her back as her breathing slows. Once she has relaxed again, I help her gather up the wet furs, pick up my spear, and we head back to our cave.

As we walk across the field, still gathering the grains from the tall grasses and adding them to Beh’s shoulder basket as we go, I notice Beh seems to not be walking quite right. She is walking slower than she normally does, and looks like she is in pain as she takes a step.

I stop her in the middle of the field and look into her eyes. She is not crying and doesn’t appear upset at all. I drop the furs I am carrying and kneel down in front of her to pick up each of her feet. I can’t tell if they are injured or not with the foot coverings over them, but I poke at them anyway and watch for her reaction. She does not cry out or act as though she is in pain, though she puts her hands on her hips and starts making a lot of mouth sounds at me.

Her feet do not appear to bother her, so I move up her legs—examining them closely, but I find no injury. As I reach their apex, Beh’s noises become a little louder and she pushes my hand away. I look up to her eyes, and her head moves from side to side.

“
No,” she says.

I quickly move away.

Beh sighs and takes a step forward, holding out her hand. Tentative, I place mine in hers, and she pulls me close to her. With the side of her face placed against my chest, she makes soft sounds and hugs me against her. I don’t understand but decide to watch her closely as I follow her back to the cave. I hang the furs outside so the wind will blow them dry and then fill one of Beh’s cups with water so she has something to drink.

I’m still worried about her.

Beh tries to add some wood to the fire, but I take it away from her and push her back a little. I point to the grass mat and have her sit on it while I prepare food for her.

I make sure she rests for the remainder of the day. That night, I want to put a baby in her again, but Beh pushes my hands away from her. At first I think she is angry, and I try to figure out what I did to upset her, but she runs her hands over my beard and lets me hold her as she falls asleep.

She must not be
too
upset with me, but I am still confused.

And hard.

I consider using my hand to make my penis feel better, but I remember how Beh wanted the furs cleaned off when I spilled on them before, and I don’t want to upset her either with messy furs or by waking her up. So I just close my eyes and try not to inhale through my nose because she smells so good. Eventually, I fall asleep beside her.

The next day, Beh’s bleeding time starts. I’m pretty sure that means there isn’t a baby inside of her yet, since I remember women in my tribe didn’t have their bleeding times when their stomachs got bigger with a baby. I’m disappointed and want to try again, but Beh won’t let me. As soon as I remove my furs and approach her, she pushes me back and uses her no sound.

She doesn’t let me mate her at night when we go to bed either.

Or the next day.

In fact, she doesn’t let me try to put a baby in her again until her bleeding stops several days later. By then, I feel so tense, I only manage to thrust inside of her a few times before my seed empties into her.

I’m glad I made sure she felt good beforehand. As soon as I’m done, I fall asleep.

Beh is in good spirits the next day, and she tugs at my hand when we approach the lake. I try to stay away from the water’s edge because I have a sinking feeling she is not just planning on bathing herself, and the day is definitely a cold one. All I really want to do is take Beh back to the cave and try putting a baby in her again—I want to make it last longer this time—but she is intent on making a whole lot of noise with her mouth and washing every piece of clothing and fur she has touched in the last few days. When she is done with that, she lays the pieces out to dry and pulls my wrap from my shoulders.

I hold tight to it for a moment but then realize as long as she has my
wrap
in the cold water, she is not trying to wash
me
.

I should know better.

She lures me with her mouth and her hands to the water, and even though I know what she is doing, I can’t help myself. I try to get behind her, but she turns and moves me to the water instead. As I plead with my eyes, she makes me immerse myself, just as she has. I shiver and wonder what she will demand when there is a layer of ice near the shore. Will she still want me to get in the water?

Not a chance.

Not even for the opportunity to put a…

Well…

Maybe.

She wraps a clean piece of fur around my shoulders and gathers up the rest of the bedding she brought with us. My mate is thorough in her washing, and I realize she is planning on washing everything we have been sleeping on or wearing, regardless of the cold of the day. With a groan, I lie down on my side and cover up with a dry fur to rest.

Beh makes constant mouth-noises as we head back to the cave.

I’m exhausted from being cold and wet. I don’t know why, but resting near the water has made me more tired than I felt before. Beh, however, appears to be energized. I try to block out her sounds, but she doesn’t stop.

The furs are still damp, and they are cold and heavy on my shoulder. Beh is carrying all the grain we collected as well as some cattail roots, nutgrass, and puffball mushrooms. She has a handful of reeds as well, and I wonder if she is going to try to make another basket with them.

She makes more sounds. The noise is constant. She even waves her hands around a bit when she makes all that noise.

I blow a long breath out my mouth and look at her sideways. She glances over to me with a bit of a smile and continues with the noise. I don’t understand why she has to do that all the time. It’s annoying, and even though I would do anything to protect and provide for my mate, I can’t take any more of the noise.

I finally stop in my stride, drop the furs to the ground, and grab Beh by her arm. She halts in her tracks as I pull her beside me. I take my hand and place it over her mouth firmly as she looks at me with wide eyes. I growl low in my chest as I stare straight into her eyes. When I release her, her eyes narrow at me, and she huffs through her nose as she turns and starts back down the path to the cave. She is thankfully silent the remainder of the journey.

When we get to the cave, I drape all the furs that are still a little damp where they can dry before I tend to the fire. Once the fire is burning brightly, I sit in front of it to warm up and eat some of the grain and nut concoction Beh made for breakfast along with some of the dried antelope meat. I hold out some of the meat for Beh, but she doesn’t take it from me or look at my hand.

Actually, she turns away from me a little, tightening the fur wrapped around her shoulders.

“
Beh.”

She doesn’t look at me. In fact, she turns away a little more. I call out to her again, but she doesn’t respond at all. I crawl over to her and hold the meat right in front of her face, and she shifts to the side again, nearly turning her back to the fire…and me.

Maybe she just isn’t hungry.

I bring her water, but I get the same reaction from her. I bring her the wood carving for her hair, and she jerks away from me. Confused, I shift back on the dirt floor of the cave and away from her. I glance back up, and Beh opens her mouth briefly but then snaps it shut before she turns her back to me again without making any sounds at all.

I sit back on my heels and try to figure out just what is wrong, but I can’t think of anything. I reach out with one finger and poke her arm, and her eyes finally meet mine. They are blazing with anger. I quickly look back down and sit on the dirt floor. I pull my knees up to my chest, wrap my arms around them, and duck my head a little behind my legs.

I watch my mate, but she doesn’t move for a long time.

“
Beh?”

Nothing.

My legs bounce up and down a little, and I try to hold them still, but it isn’t really working. Why is she not acknowledging me? I don’t understand what I have done wrong. I went in the cold water and washed off like she wanted me to, and I carried the wet furs back to the cave.

I didn’t hunt today—was she upset all we had was dried meat to eat? I had not hunted or fished since before her bleeding time. Maybe she was tired of dried meat. I bring some of the grains to her; there is no meat in it at all, just some fat from the boar.

She still doesn’t look at me, so I sit back down and hug my legs again.

Is she upset I haven’t put a baby in her yet? Maybe if she put her mouth on mine, I can rub her with my fingers, and she will start getting wet. Once she is wet, I can make her feel good with my hands before I try to put a baby inside of her again.

“
Beh, khhisz?” I look to her as her head swivels around, and I am met with another icy stare.