Trapper and Emmeline (24 page)

back is strong. You love me, don’t you?”

I had never told her I loved her, so of course she already knew. But I didn’t just want to coast through this.

“Emmeline, I love you with every cel in my body.”

She nodded quickly, her eyes flooding.

“You have the worst job in the world,” she said, and gave a sad, watery laugh. “I talk crazy, I fuck around on you, and I’m a disease magnet. I attract al sorts of men who want to take me away from you. On top of al that I might die when the cancer comes back. What’s not to love?”

I thought about that. It sounded vaguely like an insult, like I was some pathetic sad sack who had to settle for sticking his dick in crazy. To feel better about himself, this sad sack version of Trapper whored out his girlfriend to other men and got validation from their desire for her.

I didn’t feel like that. Maybe I should have, but I didn’t. I felt
strong.
I had discovered a difficult trail to fol ow, and it was so chal enging I might not finish it, and it might break my heart. But it promised amazing adventures along the way. It boasted amazing views, and it was a path to complete fulfil ment. Most other men couldn’t hike it at al , and the rest turned around and ran the other direction. They didn’t have the strength, or the risk-taking courage, or the bottomless feeling of love for Emmeline. They couldn’t hold Emmeline’s hand and walk that trail. Trapper and Emmeline were crucial to each other. I could see it now.

“What’s not to love?” I answered. I was so wrapped up in my thoughts I didn’t register what I was saying. “What I love most is how you talk to me. You’re right
here.
Whatever else is going on, I always know you’re mine.”

She was silent beside me. I felt I needed to explain more.

“Emmy, you already know that it’s easy to fal in love with you. Men do it a hundred times an hour. Forget kissing them, al you need to do is ask what time it is and they are captivated. Your hair, your clothes, your smile. But they fal in love with a fantasy. Like you wrote in your emails—they fal for a vision of woman that you create for them. You become their fantasy, but they don’t know the real you, the
actual Emmeline.

“You like watching men act out their fantasies on you—because you can see in their eyes that they want more, even before they’re done. There’s always something more, something elusive they’l never get. That’s the part of life that goes past cancer, it can’t die. It’s spread through al of us.

“And that’s what I have, Emmy. I am the only man in existence who doesn’t need more, because I already have it. I have everything, and I know it. I’m the only man who has
you
.”

She was staring at me with a look I hadn’t seen before.

“Thank you, Trap,” she pecked me on the cheek. With al the deep kissing she was doing, the kiss on the cheek felt special. Something just for me. “I love you too. Don’t become nervous, but when you closed me out last week, I wanted the whole world to
die.
I only kept breathing because I hoped you would forgive me. I know I’m crazy. Stalker crazy.”

“Sorry about that. I’m surprised at how I reacted. I was jealous, and betrayed, and then that was
it.
No more thinking, no talking—weird. I’m disappointed in myself. I should have kept talking to you.”

“I’m not surprised. It’s almost exactly what I expected would happen. Boyfriends always get jealous, even the best ones.” She gave my shoulder a punch. “You immature asshole.”

We steadily slowed before the bank of elevators, taking smal er and smal er steps, lowering our voices so the waiting crowd of students wouldn’t overhear us.

We downshifted into smal talk.

“How is your day so far?”

“About like you saw,” she said. “I thought everything would be different after I threw out my panties. I can hardly tel the difference. Maybe I should wear shorter skirts?”

“Is that possible?”

Her perfume floated al around us. There was no way people could
not
notice her. We stood behind the waiting crowd, but slowly, one by one, they scented her and turned toward us. Then they noticed her and locked on to her. Emmeline was like one big invitation for the eyes and nose. She watched the process with a quiet smile. Before long, the whole crowd was aware of her standing there. The girls looked at her with venom, lust, or envy. The men were flustered.

“I liked watching al the guys go through you,” I told her.

She laughed. “The ends of my classes are slowly turning into gang-bangs.”

“That’s the plan for week eight,” I kidded.

“Did you see that guy al over my stomach?”

“Oh, yeah. Guido.”

Exasperated sigh. “I told you the Guido thing is real y rude.”

“You’re right, sorry. I give al your guys names in my head.”

That made her smirk. “Anyway, you were so right about him. I never realized. I ought to have been wearing half-shirts al the time.”

“You do look total y hot. Completely, inappropriately exposed.”

Our safe-for-public discussion was almost as bad as our private discussion, in terms of attracting interest. Men and women either stared at us openly, or stood stock-stil pretending not to listen. A few of the men watched Emmeline with dog-like longing on their faces. To glance over in a crowd and find Emmeline next to you was like a heart attack. Glossy legs, mythic breasts, giggly voice, and chatty talk about dirty topics. Al that and she would meet your eyes with a friendly smile too, and address you like an old friend. And if you knew her reputation, and if you could man up and say
hi
to her—

she would lean in and give you a kiss.

She didn’t care about people staring. She was immune to the low level of attention she provoked; it merely buoyed her up like the tide under a rowboat.

She said, “I have a few hours to kil until my next class. We could go to your apartment and have make-up sex. Or we could just walk around. You haven’t seen me without panties. It’s a windy day, and we can go window-shopping. Do you want to get me into trouble?”

In my peripheral vision, I saw a few men nodding unconsciously.

“Let’s take a walk,” I said.

“I want to get a picture of me kissing your cheek at Astor Place,” she said. “Do you think my skirt can blow completely over my hips?”

We rode the elevator to street level. There was a brisk wind blowing, but Emmeline stepped into it without reservation.

“That guy in the cap, who came up to you in the hal ? With the friend? What’s his name?”

“Seth,” she said, after a moment’s thought.

“I overheard him talking to his friend. He wants to fuck you.”

“I’l bet,” she snorted.

“According to The Rules, you need to start having make-out sessions with men.”

“Real y?” she glanced at me. “Him?”

“Not your type?”

“Too much of a frat boy.”

“But make out with him anyway, wil you? For me? Just lead him around a corner sometime, and make out with him. I swear this isn’t some kind of commitment test.”

She gave me a long look. I’d never explicitly asked her to pleasure another guy. And I’d never specified
which
guy.

Those things were always her decision, which guy and how far she would go at that moment. Giving her instructions made her into something a little like a whore, and we both sensed it.

Regardless, she said, “Okay. He’s in. I owe you one.”

“You wanted someone else?”

She nodded. “The Guido who likes my stomach. He real y wants to—he said—
play
with me. He wants it a lot. It kil s me to say no. He wants me so much.”

Our hands clenched tightly. We were back in contested territory. I knew she was wondering when my jealousy would return. When would I close down and lock her out again?

Instead, I made it easy on her: “You can have them both.”

She stopped and spun me around, her eyes watering up. “Oh, Trapper. You’re the best! You’re sure, both?”

I almost laughed. “Just this week, you can have two. You can have the Guido guy, if you do Seth for me.”

“Okay, sweetie.” She said, she gave me a deep kiss. “Using the word ‘Guido’ is impolite.”

She was hot in my arms, breathing heavily. We’d just negotiated not one, but two make-out sessions for her. I knew that no matter what the rules said, we would not go back to one make-out session next week. We were accelerating. Next week it would be two or more. I had no idea how this would stop. Or if it could.

We kissed deeply. She was energy and joy in my arms. The future would be fine, I told myself.

The future would take care of itself.

After a long day where we skipped classes and Emmeline broke Manhattan’s heart simply by walking its sidewalks with the happiest smile it had ever seen—we retired to my apartment for some record-breaking make-up sex. Even my roommates, who were saturated with the porn playing 24/7 on our TV, complained about the noise. They screamed at us through the wal s as Emmeline came loudly and flopped to the bed.

I jumped out of bed and ran up the hal .

“I can’t help it if my dick is named Zeus!” I yel ed at them. “Get ear-plugs if you can’t handle a god-dick in the apartment.”

I gave them the finger and sprinted away, but not before Andy beaned me in the back with his can of beer.

Emmeline touched my spinal bruise and was mystified.

“We real y don’t like each other,” I explained. “We’re only united by our mutual interests.”

“I’m more concerned about this new Zeus thing.”

Later, during pil ow talk, she mentioned that a high school friend would be visiting her next week. A male friend.

“He’s going to stay at my house, Trapper. I hope you’re okay with that.”

“I’m okay with it. How frail do you think I am?”

“You’re pretty goddamn frail sometimes.”

“Are… are you going to fuck him?”

She put her cheek on her hand and watched me. “Wel , let’s think this through, Trapper. I think he might have to fuck me. I mean, he can’t see you and me and the rest of our crazy world, and then not be part of it. That would be strange.”

“We wouldn’t want to seem strange to him.”

She searched my face. “Are you being angry?”

Shit, she was so precious. How could I withhold from her?

“I feel worried al the time,” I confessed. “But it’s just me. I wil never close you out again. I promise.”

“Thank you, sweetheart,” she murmured.

“I have a new rule,” I said.

“Yeah?” Her cheek lifted off her hand.

“When you have a male guest in your house—if it’s at al possible—you have to fuck his brains out. You give him the whole Emmeline Experience. You ruin him for other men. You run every experiment, practice every trick and technique.

You—”

She blocked the rest with a kiss.

“You’re sure you’re okay with this?”

“Yes!” I cried.

I was not sure. But I knew it would make her happy.

She rol ed back and smiled at the ceiling. “The next few days are shaping up to be pretty interesting. My high school friend. Guido. Cap. Lots of men for me.
Lots.
I feel weird thinking about them.”

“Me too.” I was staring at the same ceiling she was, imagining the same adventures for Emmeline. I was feeling a little overwhelmed. “Do you think you can handle them?”

“Try to stop me.” She had a pert smile on her lips. “Try to even slow me down.”

“Wel , okay then.” I hated the uncertainty in my voice.

She gave me a rough hug, and shook me. “Don’t worry, Trap! I know this is just the first time I’l be getting serious with other guys. Wel , except for fucking my dad’s construction friends, of course.”

I gave her a smile that I knew looked forced.

“Seriously, Trapper! I’l tel you al about it. I need you to be strong for me. I need to know you’re getting off on this.” To keep another doubtful message from coming out of me, she grabbed a handful of my cock. “Trapper, we’ve settled our problems and it’s clear flying ahead. We are going to be crazy! You’re going to love it. Let’s ask what Zeus thinks.”

She gave it a wag. My cock was not uncertain at al . It was ready for the next step with Emmeline. Zeus never thought ahead.