Trials (Rock Bottom) (7 page)

She pauses to let me reflect. It makes me think about the time leading up to our breakup. The way we had come together to get him through detox; that was amazing. I think, in a way, we were stronger for it. But, then there were the trust issues. Although, was that really fair of me? I mean, did I give him enough of a chance to prove he could stay clean?

“But right or wrong, you did break up,” Dr. Spritz interrupts my thoughts. “Did you truly believe it was a break and not a breakup? Did you feel you would get back together?”

“Yes,” I say confidently. “Before he stopped talking to me, it didn’t even seem like an option that we would be apart forever.”

“So, he’s telling you that he was wrong and he wants to be with you. What’s different now?”

“Scott.”

“Other than him,” Dr. Spritz continues. “Boyfriends come and go, even if you love them. You’re not engaged or married. So
, is their another reason?”

I think about it for a few moments, searching myself for what could be an underlying reas
on. “He scares me. He’s still this… enigma to me and I don’t know what to expect from him. I don’t understand him. How can I build a life with someone who I can’t predict?”

She nods and smiles at me, as if she’s proud of my realization.

I hadn’t realized I felt that way about him. But I don’t really understand anything he does. Why does he feel he needs the drugs? Why doesn’t he talk to his mother? What really happened with his Dad? How could he be so in love with me one minute and fall off the Earth the next? If I don’t understand him, then I can’t be with him. I’d live in fear our entire relationship.

His past is a story I’ve tried to pry
from him before. He’s given me pieces but never the whole story. He’s never totally let me in. If he didn’t let me in back then, I don’t ever see it happening. If he never lets anyone in, his emotions are just going to bottle up again and he’s going to go looking for something to release them. And to me, that’s reason enough to avoid getting sucked back into him again.

The night flies by in a flash. I am only able to see Scott briefly after I get home from my session. I tell him about the affidavit interview, and he seems happy wi
th the way it went. I leave out the conversation that occurred when the legal team left the room, and I definitely don’t tell him about going to Jeremy’s apartment. So for all he knows, Jeremy was briefly interviewed and has to come back for a second round.

I convince myself that I’m not
lying, I’m just omitting as to not hurt his feelings or make him worried. Especially when he has nothing to worry about. Right?

When I wake up, my heart immediately flutters in high speed. It’s not in a good way, either- it’s in an anxious way.
In spite of my seemingly convincing disguise, I could still be caught by the press at any moment. Or someone in the office could recognize me and spill the beans. Hell, just knowing I have to see Jeremy again makes me want to vomit. No matter how I feel when I’m around him, he just makes everything more complicated. It would have been better if we had never met again.

I don’t really believe that.

I mentally tell myself to shut up and play along before I crawl out of bed and get dressed. After I’m ready to leave, I kiss a sleeping Scott on the forehead, trying to fill my memory with how I feel right now. I love him so much. Around Jeremy, though, it’s hard for me to remember my name…much less how much I love my boyfriend.

Outside of the office building downtown, I’m
only mildly surprised to see press here today. He was only originally scheduled to come yesterday, and I didn’t think anyone would have known he is coming back today. Although, in my limited experience the press seem to know about everything. It’s creepy.

I follow
the same routine as yesterday, walking past them to the side entrance. I’m successful in getting by unrecognized. I’m glad I won’t have to deal with them tomorrow and, if the case plays out right, ever again.

I don’t even have time to sit my bag down on my desk before Steven is approaching me. “Dylan, he’ll be here in 15 minutes,” he says. He smiles and walks past me.

My stomach is killing me. It takes everything in me not to double over. I’m still nervous to see him but I’m also scared that today will go as bad as yesterday in the questioning room. He comes off so…suspicious. If I didn’t know him better, I might think he were actually guilty.

I gather my things and walk to the room. When I enter,
I see Mr. Current already there working on some paperwork. “Ms. Ackhart,” he acknowledges me, not looking up from his work. I say a quick “hello” and sit in the chair next to him.

I don’t have much time to settle myself before there is a knock on the door. Mr. Current stands and opens the door, greeting Jeremy’s legal team who enter the room first. I stand and they kindly shake my hand before making their way around the table to sit. And then, he enters.

His flawless face and hopeful eyes look straight towards me the second he walks in. He gives me a shy smile before greeting Mr. Current. He walks up to me slowly, slinking as if he’s gotten some of his swagger back. “Ms. Ackhart,” he says, low and hungry. He shakes my hand.

My body tightens everywhere. I try to go back to that place in my mind where I filed my feelings for Scott
earlier in the morning. I try to go back to the memories of when he cut me out and how it felt. But when he looks at me as if he’s stalking his prey, and I’m the one he’s hungry for, I can’t remember anything outside of this moment.

He lets go
of my hand far too soon and takes his seat across the table from me. Steven is the last to enter. He shuts the door and we all get settled before the questioning begins.

Mr. Current welcomes the legal team back, and they look much more relaxed today. I wonder if that’s just a front and they’re really scared shitless. I would be if I were in their position.
Unless, something major has changed within the last twenty-four hours.

Mr. Current clears his throat. “Alright, Mr. Mason, so let’s jump right into it, should we?”

Jeremy nods.

“So, let’s start from where we ended. You and Ms. Carter were seen walking up the stairs. And then she entered your room with you?”

Jeremy sighs heavily. “Yes. She came in my room with me. I didn’t even know her name. She saw me at the party and literally walked up to me and started kissing me. Then she asked if I wanted to take her upstairs.”

“Weren’t you concerned you didn’t know how old she was?” Mr. Current raises an eyebrow.

“Honestly, no. Everyone at my parties is carded before they walk in.” Jeremy seems confident in that.

“But not this time.”

Jeremy shrugs. “She had a fake ID. That’s what my guard told me and I believe him.”

“The only ID found on Ms. Carter was the one saying she was seventeen.”

Everyone’s silent. Jeremy swallows. “Regardless, I had reason enough to believe she was twenty-one. If he wasn’t doing his job, that’s his negligence.”

Mr. Current and Jeremy make eye contact with each other, staring each other down. Mr. Current is the first to speak. “I’m having a hard time understanding, Mr. Mason,
how someone could be so indifferent towards the victim when he was physically and sexually abused as a child himself.”

Luckily, my gasp is hidden under the uproar from his legal team. Jeremy’s face goes white and his jaw tightens in anger.

Oh my God, it must be true.

“That has no bearing on this case,” one of his lawyers spit towards us.

Jeremy looks away from Mr. Current to look at me. His eyes well with tears. He looks embarrassed and ashamed. I give him a concerned look.

“All I’m saying,” Mr. Current argues, “is that he was sexually abused as a child by his manager, right? And severely physically abused by his parents?
I was simply making a point that it’s unusual.”

It really has no bearing on this case, of that I’m sure. Mr. Current is using it as a tactic to shake up Jeremy, to spread his emotions thin so that he’ll admit to things he might not otherwise.
The moment Jeremy’s tears start to fall down his face, I know Mr. Current has won. And it’s painful to watch. My heart is breaking.

I catch the end of the conversation between the teams. A man from Jeremy’s team stands and starts packing away his paperwork.
“We’re no longer cooperating with this case, Mr. Current. Without a court order, my client won’t be returning.”

“Oh, I think we have enough evidence to obtain what we need. We’ll be seeing him again,” Steven says in a smug tone.

Jeremy is looking away from everyone as his tears continue to fall. After his team collects their papers, one of them leans towards him and says, “Let’s go, Mr. Mason.” Jeremy stands and starts to walk out of the room, his head hanging down, avoiding staring at anything but his feet.

I have to swallow a million
times so that I don’t burst into tears. How could I not have known this?
Oh my God, poor Jeremy.

The entire day, my head is filled with nothing but him. I leave my office fifteen minutes early, sneaking out wordlessly. I get into my red car and drive towards his new apartment. I’m not even sure how I remember how to get there- but I do. It’s almost like I’m being pulled to him. I know I need to go to him.

I don’t think of our past, our present, the situations surrounding us, or even Scott. I only think about how much he must need me, and how much I need to be there for him.

When I pull into
the parking lot, I notice his Honda. I’m hoping that means he’s home. I run up the stairs all the way to the top, desperate to see him and know he’s alright. He looked so broken when he left. My heart constricts at the thought of it.

I finally rea
ch his door and knock hard. I stand, breathing heavily and shaking, praying he’ll answer. I hear someone a moment later walk up to the door. The doorknob turns and the door slowly opens. I see Jeremy’s face appear first, red and puffy from crying. He looks surprised to see me standing there. I know I must look crazy because I feel crazy right now, letting everything go and thinking of nothing but this moment.

We stand still, staring at each other, saying nothing. Seeing him so broken like this, so vulnerable,
makes me weak in the knees. Finally, his bottom lip quivers and he turns himself away from me.

“Oh Jeremy,” I choke out. “I’m so sorry.”

“Dylan, I’m just really fucked up right now. I don’t want you to look at me.” His voice is rough and filled with self-disgust.

I take a step towards him. “Why?” I question.

“I’m terrified of what you think right now, okay? I’m…ashamed…”

I can’t stop the tears from
pouring over. “You don’t have to be ashamed. Why would you be ashamed?”

He shrugs. “Because…
of what you heard. What you know.”

“Jeremy, you were a victim…”

“I
let
him touch me. I let him do it for years, Dylan.”

My stomach rolls. I take another step closer to his back. “You were a child…”

“Doesn’t matter,” he cuts me off.

“Of course it matters!”

He puts his hands on his head, running his fingers roughly through his hair. “My parents knew about it, and they told me he was a good manager who would take me places. They told me to listen to everything he said. To do it and not talk about it.”

I am so close to vomiting I don’t know I
can hold it in. “You didn’t understand.”

His words spill out of him as if he can’t stop himself. “My parents were worse though. They used to beat me. Every time I got a note wrong or my fingers weren’t in the right position, anytime I messed up, they’d hit me.
With anything. A belt, yard stick, cane…over and over and over…”

I grab him a
round the waist, placing my cheek on his back. He stops his rant and his breathing as he tenses. He places his hands on top of mine.

“I didn’t want you to ever find out,” he whispers.

“But, I wanted to understand you, Jeremy. I wanted to understand what would have driven you to use like you were,” I mumble back.

“You would have if…” he trails off.

I nod against his back. “If I didn’t leave?”

He sobs harder.
“This, this is what the drugs kept away. I don’t like to think about it or talk about it. I don’t want to deal with it. Can’t you get that?”

Overcome with emo
tion, I walk around him, keeping my arms around his waist. I stop when I’m standing in front of him. I look up at him, his hands covering his face, until he drops them to his side. He looks down at me, his eyes deliciously exposed. I understand that this moment is another trial for me- one I’m about to fail.

I stand on m
y toes and kiss him passionately. I release his waist and place my hands in his hair. He tastes better than I could ever have remembered and when we connect, my entire body tingles. It’s like he is breathing life back into me.

He’s still for a moment, shocked into rigidness. As my mouth begins to move against his, he starts to move his lips in synchronization.
He wraps his arms delicately around me, but we’ve been apart too long for gentle. I push my mouth harder into his and wrap my fingers tighter in his hair.

His breathing increases and his mouth moves faster with m
ine. He grabs the back of my shirt roughly, flipping me around and slamming me back against the wall. I moan and wrap my legs around him. He drops his hands to hold me under my ass.

“Damn you, Dylan,” he says, growling the words in between kisses. “Damn you for making me love you so much. I need you. I need you now. I’ve never needed anything more in my
life than I need you right now.” His voice breaks.

I understand now, in a way, his addiction. I understand having the pull to something you know is probably bad for you. You know it will probably end horribly. But it makes you feel so good that how can you deny it? I guess that makes me an addict, too. Maybe not of drugs, but to something that has the potential to be just as damaging to me and
those around me.

The difference between Jeremy and I is that while he’s beating his addiction, I’m succumbing to mine.

I pull away from him, looking into his sparkling eyes. I lift my shirt and bra over my head, tossing them aside. I hear the intake of Jeremy’s breath as he eyes me in amazement. I grab his shirt and lift it over his head before running my hand down his strong chest. I set my legs down and undo my pants, letting them and my underwear fall to the floor. His eyes widen with wonder as I move to his buckle and his button. His jeans fall to the floor, leaving us both naked.

Dylan, what in the hell are you doing?

I look into his hopeful eyes again.

Dylan, stop. You have someone at home counting on you.

“I love you,” Jeremy whispers to me.

Damn it. But he needs me.
I need to help him. I need to.

I run my hand along his face.
“I’m going to make you feel so good,” I whisper, repeating his words back to him from what feels like another lifetime. His smile turns dangerous and he lifts my legs up again and wraps them around him, entering me at the same time.