TROUBLE, A New Adult Romance Novel (The Rebel Series) (25 page)

I snap back to reality.
 
“Maybe she would have gone with you.
 
Or maybe she would have said, ‘No thanks, Colin, but I’m going to ride with him instead.’”

He shakes his head.
 
“She wouldn’t have said that.”
 
His voice is missing some of its earlier conviction.

“Says you.
 
But you can’t possibly know that.
 
No one could.
 
Life rolls out the way it does either by grand design or by fate or by chance, but you only have control over yourself.
 
You cannot take responsibility or credit for someone else’s choices.
 
You are
not
God.
 
And even if you were, you wouldn’t be able to take credit for anyone’s choices anyway because we’re supposed to have free will.”

He stares at the floor for a long time, his mouth twisted up into a half-scowl, half-smile.
 
After wiping off the tears that have made it to his jawline, he looks up at me again.
 
“How’d you get so smart?”

The icy hand that was gripping my heart loosens just a little.
 
“I guess I just live and learn.
 
Or try to learn, anyway.
 
It’s not easy.
 
Some of the lessons are very hard to take.”

“Painful,” he says, his voice still raspy.

I nod.
 
“Very.”

He holds out his hands and tilts his head up to look at me.

I’m drawn to him like a magnet.
 
I don’t stop until I’m standing in front of him and we’re holding hands.
 
My giant belly rests between us and my baby is flipping all over the place. She’s apparently very excited about what’s happening.

“Will you please tell me why Randy came here to threaten you?” he asks in a gentle tone.

I swallow three times; once to keep the tears away, once to keep the vomit in my stomach, and once to get up the nerve to finally give a voice to the nightmares that have been haunting me for months.

“Yes.
 
I’ll tell you.
 
If you promise not to tell anyone else for as long as you live.”

He nods once.

“I need to hear you say it out loud.
 
Promise on your life.”

His jaw muscles bounce out a few times as if he’s about to resist, but then he speaks.
 
“I promise not to tell anyone what you’re about to tell me for as long as I live.”

A giant sigh escapes me, like it’s been pent up in my lungs for days and days and days.
 
“Okay, then.
 
But first I have to tell you about Charlie…”

CHAPTER THIRTY

I GET BACK UP ON my stool so I can tell my story without suffering from my aching ankles.

“Charlie was my first real boyfriend.
 
We started dating almost two years ago.”

“He go to school with you?”

“Yes. We met during rush week our second year. He was … I guess you could say … hazing some students rushing his fraternity, and I was at one of their parties.
 
I wasn’t in a sorority because I was afraid all the activities would interfere with my studies, but occasionally I went to different parties when I could afford a break.”

He nods to encourage me.

“I can’t believe what a dork I was.
 
I had such a crystal clear vision of how I was getting from Point A to Point B back then.”

“Don’t be mean to yourself. Just tell me what happened.”

I nod. It’s too late for regret.
 
It’s just going to muddy the story anyway, so I steel myself for the reality that is my life and continue.

“After we met, we started seeing each other around a lot.
 
I got the impression that he was making some of those meetings happen on purpose.
 
I was very flattered.”
 
My face turns pink.
 
“He’s very good-looking.
 
His family is wealthy.
 
He drives a Porche and owns a boat.
 
He could date anyone, but he was choosing me.”

Colin doesn’t say anything to that, but it doesn’t stop me from feeling ashamed that those things meant so much to me.
 
I never considered myself a gold digger until those words came out of my mouth.

“He went to a fancy prep school before college, so he was a little older.
 
He was on the crew team.
 
He had a lot of friends who had families in Congress and other high places.
 
One of them is a heart surgeon up in San Francisco.
 
Charlie’s father and mother are both lawyers.
 
It was all a very big deal for me.
 
My family is very religious and set in their ways.
 
They believe it’s important to make the right connections and follow a certain path towards success. They were impressed by Charlie’s family and background.”

“And that path they wanted you to follow included this Charlie person?”

“Yes, but not just as a means to an end.
 
I mean, not really.
 
I loved him.
 
Or I thought I loved him.”
 
I sigh with the memory. “Or maybe I didn’t. I don’t know.
 
It’s hard to remember any good feelings where he’s concerned these days.”

“How does Randy figure into this?” Colin takes one of my hands and laces his fingers in with mine.
 
I don’t fight him, instead enjoying the feeling of closeness it brings.

“Randy is Charlie’s best friend.
 
He was always around.
 
Sometimes I thought he was jealous that we were together, and other times I thought he encouraged it.
 
I found out later that Charlie used to date Randy’s sister and that their families had vacationed together a lot growing up.”

“So Randy was jealous?”

“I don’t know.
 
But whatever it was, it made him kind of angry.
 
He was rude sometimes, but usually not when Charlie was around.
 
And he’d say things that could be taken different ways, so I was never sure if he meant them in a nasty way or was just being funny.”

“Give me an example.”

I shrug, feeling uncomfortable as Randy’s words come back to me in bits and pieces.
 
“One time we went to the beach together and I wore my favorite bathing suit.
 
Randy took one look at me and said something like I must not get out much.”

“Get out much?
 
What’s that supposed to mean?”

I shake my head, trying to rid it of the memories. I can still feel the burning pain of embarrassment.
 
“Oh, I don’t know.
 
Maybe that my suit was out of style. It definitely was more conservative than the ones their other friends were wearing. But he laughed it off like he was just commenting on my lack of a tan.
 
It was just … uncomfortable.”

“I’ll bet.”

“Charlie started asking to sleep with me - have sex - right from the beginning, but I wasn’t going to do that until I was married.”

Colin’s gaze drops to my belly, and I laugh bitterly.

“Yeah.
 
As you can see, that didn’t work out quite as I planned.”

“Stop,” Colin says, putting his free hand on my cheek, forcing me to look up at him.
 
“Just tell
your
story, not the story you think others are telling about you.”

My lips tremble over the loving feeling his statement creates in my heart.

“Okay.”
 
I take a deep breath and continue, pulling back a little so his hand falls away from my face.
 
“I always told him
no
, that I wasn’t ready.
 
He would press me pretty hard about it sometimes and then he would let off the pressure, like it didn’t matter and that he was willing to wait.”
 
I can’t look at Colin anymore, so my gaze shifts to his canvas. The angry black and red mirrors the emotions in my soul.

“It was my twenty-first birthday.
 
He told me he was going to take me to a party and then he had a very special gift for me, something to show his commitment to me.
 
I was so excited.”
 
A tear slips past my rapidly blinking eyes and slides down my cheek.
 
“I thought he was going to propose or something or maybe give me a promise ring.
 
We’re young for that kind of thing, but he fit so perfectly into my life.
 
He understood my drive to succeed and desire to move up the rungs of society.
 
He encouraged me to be better.”

“To be someone different, sounds like,” Colin says softly.

I shake my head but then realize he might be right.
 
Charlie was always telling me I could be a better person.
 
Before I saw it as encouragement.
 
Now I can see it as the demoralization that it was.

“Anyway, we went to this frat party and he brought me upstairs to one of the bedrooms.
 
He also brought champagne.
 
I thought we were just going to do a private toast and he was going to give me my present.
 
But Randy was up there too.” The memory comes back as clear as day, like I’m standing right there in the room again.
 
I shiver with fear.

“When I saw Randy in the room, I looked at Charlie and said, ‘Why is Randy here?’
 
And Charlie just smiled and said, ‘He’s bringing part of your present.’ Randy sneered at me. I remember that very clearly. Then he laughed, shook Charlie’s hand, and left.
 
I thought I saw him give something to Charlie in his hand, like a small piece of paper or something, but then when I looked at Charlie’s hand again, I saw nothing there.”

“Charlie poured me a drink, said a toast to us or something, I can’t remember, and I drank the bubbly champagne.
 
It was bitter, I remember that, but Charlie told me I had to drink the whole thing or the toast wouldn’t come true.
 
And I remember staring into Charlie’s eyes as he told me how much he’d been looking forward to my birthday, how we were going to celebrate it in style.”

I stand up, feeling agitated about being too still.
 
I want to run.
 
I haven’t thought about this night since it happened.
 
It’s like a heavy drape has been pulled across this stage, this scene in my life, so that I won’t have to look at it.
 
But now Colin is here and he’s told me to push the curtain aside so we can both watch the scene play out. My heart-rate picks up and my blood pressure goes through the attic roof as everything comes into view.

“I remember asking him… ‘Where’s the ring?’”
 
I laugh bitterly at my own naivety.
 
“I actually said that.
 
I’m such an idiot.”
 
Pain slices through my heart.
 
“He laughed at me.
 
He said, ‘What ring? You want me to wear a cock ring or something?’”
 

I look up at Colin. He’s furious. I’m afraid I’m going to vomit, my stomach is burning so much right now.
 
I rub my belly to try and calm it down.
 
My voice drops to a whisper because I no longer have the energy to speak like a normal person. “I didn’t even know what that was.
 
A cock ring.
 
I had to look it up online later. I don’t know why I remember that part of our night so clearly when so much more of it is a blurry mess.”

Colin stands up and grabs me into a fierce hug around my shoulders, causing my arms to flop out to the sides.
 
I can feel his muscles trembling around me, but it makes me feel safe because I know he’s not afraid.

He’s angry.
 
And I’m angry too.
 
For the first time in months, I am angry at Charlie instead of demolished by him.

“I don’t remember anything much after that. He pushed me onto the bed.
 
I remember his weight on me and telling him
no
.
 
I think I passed out.
 
I remember voices.
 
Laughing.
 
Sounds that don’t make any sense in my head right now.”

“Jesus Christ,” Colin says over my shoulder.
 
“Jesus Christ, God almighty…”

I’m on a roll now.
 
I can’t stop.
 
I just want to get the words out of my head, hoping once they’re gone that they’ll stay gone.
 
“I woke up in someone’s house with my pants off.
 
I couldn’t find my underwear anywhere.
 
I was sore … down there … and there was some blood. So I knew I’d had sex, even though I don’t remember it at all.
 
Charlie was gone.”

Colin pulls away, holding onto my shoulders and squeezing.
 
“Tell me you went to the police.”

My eyes go wide and panic takes hold.
 
“Of course I didn’t go to the police.
 
Are you kidding me?
 
I wanted the whole thing to just go away.”
 
Tears flood my eyes and the terror comes back.
 
“I couldn’t face anyone and tell them what happened to me.
 
My whole life …. everything … it was taken from me.
 
My choice was
taken
from me.
 
My plan to be a virgin on my wedding night was
taken
from me.
 
He
stole
my life away.
 
Nothing anyone said or did was going to change that.” I’m shaking and a couple of hot tears escape.

Colin shakes me once, not unkindly.
 
“But he’s a criminal.
 
He needs to be in jail.”