True Control (6 page)

Chapter 15 HIM

It’s drizzling out. Everyone’s crowded under the awning of my building. Eve assures me that the address of the building won’t show on TV. The press know where I live, but that doesn’t mean I want every rubber-necked freak out there to know. The ones who can’t turn away from an accident on the side of the road. They always slow down to watch.

It’s cold, but I left my jacket upstairs. Liz huddles next to Paul to my right side. I look at Lucy’s smiling face in my hands. I’ll find you, baby.

Eve gives me a nod, all the lights and cameras and microphones are aimed at me. I hold up the picture.

I say what Eve told me to say. I talk about Lucy. I choke on the words “pregnant” and “medical care” but I get it out. “Lucy is a sweet girl. She’s never hurt anyone. She should be home with me now. Please.”

I have to swallow several times before I can continue in a stronger voice. My usual commanding voice. “Please, if you have any information about Lucy’s disappearance. Call the hotline.” I pause. This is all I’m supposed to say. The cameras start to dip even. “Lucy. Baby. If you see this. Know that I’m
going
to find you. I’ll have you back where you
belong
soon, baby.”

The reporters start shooting questions at me. I ignore them.

I turn and walk back into my building before anyone can stop me. I don’t want to hear Eve talk more about the hotline or Lucy.

Chapter 15 HER

I read once that the brain is an amazing computer. Capable of processing all sorts of valuable information in the blink of an eye. And the greatest mysteries are locked deep inside us, as memories. The key to unlocking them can be as simple as a hint in the air.

I blink my one good eye. I don’t want him to think I tricked him. If I have any hope of him keeping his deal. It’s only a small hope anyway…but it’s all I have.

“It’s not Bill.”

“Is that your first question?” His laugh still in his voice. I can see that he’s still hard. I look away. I look down.
Concentrate
.

“No.” I swallow. “I’m just going over what I
do
know about you all ready.”

He laughs. I clench my jaw, but this causes my left eye to hurt, so I stop. I need to focus. “Take your time. I got all day.” Arrogant asshole. I haven’t cursed this much, even to myself in months. I feel numb with thinking this.
Focus!

“You met my husband before you met me.” He nods. He’s enjoying feeling superior. He drops the rope and leans back on his palms. I keep my eyes focused up to his to avoid looking forward, avoid seeing his dick.

“This obviously isn’t the city.” He nods again. “So we didn’t meet near my home.” He nods slowly, licking his lips.

“Did I meet you while on vacation?”

He grins. “Yes.”

I know the answer all ready. “In Wisconsin?”

He chuckles, “No.”

“Where are we?”

His look darkens. “That’s cheating and your last question.” It was a risk. I was hoping he was so full of himself that he’d give me this information. That he would think it wouldn’t matter. But he’s not that dumb.

“We met in Rome.” I say this with a stab of pain at the memory. I was happy in Rome, with Max. Our honeymoon. A time when everything seemed good and possible. When I was confident in my place with Max, in his love for me.

He smiles, it spreads across his features. It’s a genuine, bright smile. A nice smile. I’m thrown off balance and sit back on my heels. His face is almost movie star pretty, softer. Dimples playing peek-a-boo.

“What’s my name, Lucy?”

“Ben.” This is the man I met briefly in the hotel bar with Max. I slapped his hand when he touched my leg. He has the same candle. The one the hotel gave as a gift. My bathroom at home smells just like his…just like the hotel’s.

The brain’s a crazy computer. It can hold onto the smallest details for so long. That was over six months ago. But I remembered his name.

Chapter 16 HIM

Upstairs, I head into our bedroom and quietly close the door. I need a minute away from everyone’s eyes. I can hear the hushed words. Everyone asking Eve how she thought the press meeting went, if she thinks it will help, how soon we should do another one with Lucy’s parents this time…it goes on.

I walk into our closet. I like it in here. I leave the light off and breathe. Lucy’s smell is here. Her sweet, orange blossom scent. It clings to her robe, to some of her clothes, sweaters. I turn and close the closet door to be surrounded by her. I feel the leather belt on the back of the door as it swings against my hand. Where it always is unless I’m using it on her.

This makes me think about Jake again. How could she keep a secret from me?! That she feared how I would raise our child? I hold my head in the dark and fight the tears. I
can’t
believe that.

Lucy feared me. Feared my anger. Sure. I even told her once that I
wanted
her to fear me. That it would help her. To not mess up, to not break my rules.

But it was more than that. I liked that she feared me. I liked seeing it in her eyes every now and then.

And I know that she liked it too. She did. She told me she did. In the dark, after a spanking. She would tell me that she liked how we were, that she loved me. I would hold her and she always said she felt so safe and secure. Especially after a punishment.

I know my girl. She didn’t know her submissive side when I met her. I saw it in her. I recognized the signs, saw what she could be for me. I didn’t go slow. I didn’t have patience. I didn’t ease her into anything.

I broke her and made her mine quickly. I forced her to submit to me completely. I gave her only one choice. One chance to back away from her destiny with me. I smile thinking about that night. She was so scared. And so yielding.

She always is when she see my anger. She always knows just what I need. Her.

She can’t be lost. I need her. Here with me.

I can’t believe anything else. I have to hold onto two things.

I will find her.

And when I do…I’ll straighten out this mess of keeping secrets.

Chapter 16 HER

He claps his hands and I jump at the loud noise in front of my face. “So you figured it out finally?”

I nod. “You’ve been stalking me all this time?”

He chuckles. “Don’t flatter yourself!” He sits up and walks to an open closet. I watch from the floor. I can’t move with his dog right next to me. He comes back wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. He throws a sweatshirt at me and I quickly put this on, grateful to be covered.

He’s going to keep his promise, his end of the deal?! I almost laugh and cry with relief, but keep myself in check.

“I checked you out. It was easy to get info on your husband. I saw a few online posts with your pictures at events over the months, but I didn’t stalk you.” He picks up the rope and tugs me to stand. I do.

We walk with him leading and the dog trailing behind me into the kitchen. I can feel Bitch’s breath on my legs.

He nods to the stove and I take this as direction. Plus I’m hungry. He drops the rope and gives me free range around the kitchen to make us food. He’s gone for only a second to open the door for the dog. Not long enough to do anything, but I do take note of several large knives on a stand near the stove.

I have to roll the sleeves of the sweatshirt up, but I’m glad that it’s so big. It falls to just above my knees.

He talks while I make us scrambled eggs and toast. I have to hold back tears remembering this with Max. Our mornings together. I loved cooking for him.

He keeps a close eye on me whenever I’m near the stove. “I won the money for that trip. I’ve never won anything before, but hit the jackpot on an Indian res near here. I promised myself that I’d take a trip of a lifetime with it. I guess I got the jackpot again right here.” He laughs and slaps my ass hard. I try to move away from him a little.

“I found out your address and went there a couple of times, to see how easy it would be to get in. Figured I would be spotted if I tried it there.” He laughs and reaches for the rope giving it one hard tug, causing me to choke and cough. “Better not burn my eggs, bitch!” Still coughing I move the pan off the flame. “I thought your husband kept you on a shorter leash than this.” He’s still laughing.

“I even came back and waited one whole week for you once to come out of that building once. When you finally did, you had that driver right there waiting for you. I gave up, figured I would never get near you again.”

In the beginning, Max didn’t allow me out much…especially after I messed up that night with Rich. I shake my head thinking about this.
Better to not think about anything but right here, right now, baby.

I hold both plates and follow him into the living room. He makes me sit at his feet and eat off the coffee table. He sits on the end of the rope. Between bites, he continues. He certainly does love to talk…or at least hear his own voice.  But I need to know this…it might help. “And then. Yesterday. My lucky day again.” He laughs at the frown I give in return to this. “You all by your lonesome. I told myself that I was going to try one more time. I deserved another chance. And I had business near the city, so it worked out.”

He takes my unfinished breakfast away from me. And makes me crawl with him over to the door, opening it for the dog. I watch as he puts the plate on the floor and lets the dog eat my food.

He walks me back on my hands and knees to sit in front of him again. “I couldn’t believe how lucky I was. I got there just in time to see your husband leave. It was easy to follow your cab downtown. It was easy to nab you right off the street.” He snaps his fingers right in front of my face. “Just like that.”

He laughs watching me try not to cry. “Oh, go ahead…have a good cry, girl. I don’t mind.” He yanks on the rope and I choke again, crying a yelp out loud. The dog comes over and snarls at me. “Down, Bitch.” Me or the dog? Bitch heels, but keeps an eye on me. “The hardest part was finding a deserted spot off the Skyway to move you to the trunk and tie you up.” He laughs a little.

He said skyway…that means we’re in Indiana? And I remember something else about him… He said he was from Michigan. I glance out the window at the woods still spindly without leaves or buds. This could be Michigan. I keep my eyes down to hide how I feel. It’s not much, but I know sort of where I am at least. And it’s not far.

Max…please, find me! Please hurry!

Chapter 17 HIM

“You have to eat something…” Mom is pushing my plate back towards me. It’s leftover roast from yesterday.

“Eat what your Mom’s made for you, son.” I lift my eyes to Dad. He has The Look going. I’ve been living off of coffee and scotch for four days, only taking a few bites of all the food Mom has made for everyone. I know what I look like. I’m numb from bad dreams, little sleep, little food, little control. But I still respond to him. I still do as I’m told. I pick up my fork and don’t taste what I chew.

Mom kisses my head and walks towards the guest room. They’ve stayed with me. Liz and Paul are in a hotel on the next block. We’ve all been holed up here in this apartment each day, waiting for any news, giving the press what they need to keep the story in the headlines, hopeful for any information. Nothing. Fucking nothing. No fingerprints, no calls, no demands for money, no leads on where she could be. My investigator, the police, no one has any fucking news.

I’ve avoided work, obligations. Dad’s taken care of what he can from here. Friends have been by, but I’ve even avoided that. I can’t deal with friendly right now. I can’t deal with forced niceness. Or repeating the inexplicably small amount of information I know.

Screaming. Hitting. Raging. That’s really what I want. What I need right now.

I pick up my plate and go to the kitchen with it. Mom has the house all in order. But each day I hear her crying softly, behind closed doors. Just like when I was a kid. Is that what Lucy does? Waits till I’m gone for the day and cries to herself? I try to imagine that.

I know I hurt her. There’s been times when I’ve allowed my anger to really show. If she’s talked back for the second time in a week or forgot how I like something to be done a little too soon after I’ve reminded her. I’d hurt her a little more than usual. Leave her with tears streaking her pretty face. I’d be rougher in bed with her. Slapping her around more.

But I always showed her my love and forgiveness afterwards. I’d always cradle her in my arms, soothe her tears away. I’d let her know that she was my good girl again. That she has all my love, no matter how many times I have to tell her a rule or show her how to please me.

And she’d always respond the same. More tears at first, begging my forgiveness, apologizing for whatever she did wrong. Sometimes it would take longer to soothe her, to get her to calm down and realize that I wasn’t mad at her anymore. She always thanked me for punishing her, just like I taught her.

I can’t imagine her crying the next day again. Maybe from pain… That one time…I know she cried from pain days afterwards. I would come home for lunch and see that she’d been crying. But she needed a reminder that lasted. She belongs to me. If she was in pain longer, it was because she deserved to be punished longer, to be reminded of that each day. She never said anything. Never complained about the pain.

She didn’t say anything about Jake coming over either though. I frown at this thought.

No. She was only needier. She needed my constant touch and affection. She was always this way after a punishment, but especially after a harsh one. She’d need to see a smile on my face after any little thing she did to please me. She’d get through most of her chores before I was even home for lunch, trying to show me her willingness to do exactly as I demand. I always made sure to be more attentive and loving to her. To give her the reassurance I knew she needed.

I remember Mom crying when she and Ron were first married. Jake doesn’t remember any of it. I would sneak towards their bedroom door and listen as he’d punish her. For every little thing. He didn’t give an inch. We all did exactly as we were told or faced his punishment. And Mom was the same as Lucy. She’d run around trying to be on her best behavior for Ron. Like a puppy needing a treat, she’d follow him around the house. And he was always so loving to her. He’d light up when he came home; she’d light up whenever he smiled at her.

Ron’s discipline gave my life stability. It saved us. Jake and me. From Mom. Saved her from herself.

And I give this same stability to Lucy. She knows what I expect, exactly what is expected of her. She knows what it takes to please me. Her complete obedience.

But I don’t kid myself. I need more than her obedience.

My dreams have been filled with punishing her. For not being here. My anger having nowhere to go. In my dreams, I give myself the release I need. I beat her. More than I ever have in reality. I use my belt, my fists. I hit her with the buckle. I watch her bleed under my hands. I choke her until her eyes are popping.

I wake from these dreams. Sweating, crying. Hard.

I wake myself before I cum. The monster in me, in my dreams, takes her every time. Takes her bleeding body, her beaten, broken body, takes what’s mine to take.

In my dreams, Lucy submits to whatever I do to her. She takes whatever I give. She’s the same as she is in real life. My obedient, submissive, sweet wife. Her screams fill my heart. And she gives them to me freely.

I don’t kid myself. I am a monster.

My Lucy is God knows where…and in my dreams, I torture her.

But every waking hour is torture for me. This complete feeling of uselessness, helplessness. I’ve never been powerless before. I’ve always known what to do to get something done. I’ve never let anything stand in my way.

But this…I have no choice. I have to let others take the lead. I have to sit back and wait. And there’s been nothing. No good news so far. No helpful information. Just more waiting.

I fill my dreams with the anger I can’t let out in the daylight. I have to hold it together for everyone watching.

I smile for a minute, indulging in a daydream. I picture Lucy here now, her little hand touching my cheek. She would know how to calm me. She would know how to reassure me.

I hope wherever you are, baby, you’re picturing me too. That you’re holding on…staying strong. Picture my arms around you, protecting you.

I can’t let myself think of any alternative…I will find her.