True L̶o̶v̶e̶ Story (39 page)

The moon streaks lines of light through the room, casting strange shadows. Ian and I are in the middle of one, our skin highlighted by the moon. Ian sits up beside me and crushes me to his chest.

“I’m so sorry, Sparrow. I know it will never be enough, but I am. You were more than enough for me. I didn’t think I could ever deserve you. With every
ounce
of breath in me, I wish I could go back and make it right. I would run from Laila. I would tell you every single self-doubt and insecurity and fear. I would break all my bad habits and never be far from you again. When we were together, I could almost dare to hope that I could have you, but when we were apart, I was tormented, knowing I would never be good enough. For a long time, I tried to prove that theory right. But I did stop. You know when it was? Not long before that week I came to you—you were so worried about me that week, saying I wasn’t myself. But we were engaged and it had hit me that I might really be able to be happy. I never believed that before. I thought I was stuck…” He leans back and looks at me, pushing back the hair that’s sticking to my face.

“Tell me again, how did it all … start?” I ask. “I know we’ve hashed and rehashed, but I just need to hear one more time.”

“Not long after our day in San Francisco, I flew to L.A. and stayed in their house. I was sleeping one night and Laila came in. I thought I was dreaming about you, to be honest. I was still high on our date, but she’d told me how young you were. She knew I didn’t think I had a real, lasting chance with you and played on that, and on all my craziness. I woke up and she had me in her mo—” He shakes his head. “I’m sorry. You don’t need to hear this again.”

“I do need to hear. I know you’ve tried to tell me many times, and I haven’t been able to fully hear it all.”

“I could have stopped it. I can’t blame her for all of it. I can’t. I should have cut off all ties with her…”

We talk until the sun comes up, and our stomachs are growling. Neither of us move from the bed. I listen—it’s all things he told me from the moment I found out, but the details are finally clicking into place, and I’m finally able to register all of it. The ache doesn’t go away; it still hurts like hell. There are some pieces I will never understand, ever. And a lot that I do understand.

I take deep breaths and slowly start to feel calmer. “What made you believe in us finally? And would it have lasted? It was seven months that you weren’t with her, but if I hadn’t found out, would it have happened again? And if not her, with someone else?”

“No, I really don’t think I ever would have again, Sparrow, even if you had never known. What I do know without a doubt, though, is that after the truth came out and I realized what I’d risked and the agony of knowing the hurt I caused you—” a ragged sigh comes out of him and he angrily swipes the tears off his face, “—I changed. For good. You did that. I know it was too late, but I vowed to be the man you thought I was. I have never been the same, thanks to you. Even though I should have already been that man when we met, you’re the one who made me finally grow up.” He shrugs. “None of it sounds significant enough when I say it, but it’s still the truth.”

I look at him and really see, maybe for the first time in all these years, the truth in his words. I run my hand along his cheek. “I believe you,” I whisper.

His breath hitches and he rubs his eyes before looking at me, his expression haunted. “Thank you,” he whispers back.

We sit there longer still, our limbs tangled under the sheets, not saying anything else, but feeling as if a lot is being said.

Finally I speak up. “You haven’t had sex since you were with me? What about your 9-month relationship? I find that hard to believe.”

“It’s true. Tara would be glad to confirm,” he laughs softly. “I feel bad for hurting her. We were friends, but she had feelings. She knew I wasn’t over you, but she wanted to try to help me forget. And at that point, I knew I was losing my mind, so I agreed to try to have a relationship with her. I just couldn’t get past you.”

I can relate to that. I also feel guilt for the guys who wanted to help me forget. Why did I put them through that?

“We kissed, but every time it got to a certain point, I stopped. I felt like I was betraying you. I was such a mess. One night, Tara was watching her niece and Beauty and the Beast was playing. I saw Belle in the library with all those books—she even
looked
like you—and I fuckin’ lost it.” He leans down and kisses my hair. “All the crying is also thanks to you. I’m kind of ready for the tears to go back inside now,” he confesses. “A few degrees back from wussdom would be appreciated.” His mouth quirks up slightly at the corners.

“We went to a movie another time, and the actress had hair similar to yours. I started in again with the crying jag,” he shakes his head, “so fucked up. Tara got me out of the theater and we fought about it. She said you were never coming back. I told her I knew that even if you weren’t, I’d never stop waiting and hoping for you. We broke up then and actually stayed friends. She’s dating someone else now and is a lot happier.”

I think this through and realize my shakes are long gone. I look over at Ian and he’s watching me tentatively, looking almost scared to breathe.

“I’ve never gotten over you either, Ian. I’ve gone from one relationship to the next, trying to fill the void you left. The night before I left to come here, I was still crying over you, looking at old pictures and missing you…” I look at him and bite my lip. “I
have
had a lot of sex—” I feel his body cringe next to mine. “I’m sorry.” I scrunch up my nose and keep going. “I have. And none of it has made me feel loved or cherished like I did last night … even though I had the breakdown after…” I end awkwardly and take a gulping breath. “After everything, I still know that you’re the only one for me…”

Ian kisses my hand and rubs it along his cheek. “Every day that I wake up, I think about you,” he says. “When I go to sleep at night … you. The other day when I got ready to leave for the airport, I wondered what you would think of my shirt, if you would still like to look at me,” he says shyly. “I think about what you’re doing and who you’re laughing with—it has
killed
me that you might be happy without me, and yet, I’ve wanted you to be happy more than I’ve wanted to
live
.” He turns to face me, lightly running his fingers across my shoulders. “To have this time to talk to you and hear what you’re thinking—it’s all I’ve ever hoped for. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to go about it the right way. That first year, I just—I lost it. I apparently have some stalkerish tendencies when it comes to you. I just couldn’t NOT try to tell you everything that was in my heart and mind. Maybe if I had just let you think it through for a while and quietly proven myself … I don’t know … I just didn’t know what to do.”

“We can’t go back. To be honest, I don’t know
what
I even want right at this moment, but I’m so glad we’ve had this time.” I lean over and kiss him.

This time when we make love, we take our time. And when he whispers that he loves me, I whisper it back.

“Sparrow?” he says softly when we’re catching our breath. “If you give me another chance, I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you. There will never be a doubt, I promise you.”

When I leave his room to go to mine, it’s early afternoon. I have some explaining to do with Tessa. I’ve texted her a few times, but she will want details. I lightly rap on the door, and she opens it immediately, pulling me inside. She can’t stop smiling and I can’t stop smiling back at her.

“Tell me everything.”

So I do.

That night, Tessa and I have dinner with her parents, Jared, and his parents. We discuss a few details of what needs to be done for the rehearsal dinner the next night, but other than that, we simply catch up with one another. It’s a lovely night. I feel like a huge weight has lifted off of me. I’ve been dragging a big boulder around, trying to live with the heaviness for so long, that I don’t even know what to do with this airy feeling. My emotions are all over the place, but in the best of ways.

I finally gave Ian my phone number, and he calls as we’re riding back to the hotel.

“Hi, Sparrow,” he says tentatively.

“Hello,” I say softly.

“I’m just finishing up with J and thought I’d give you a call. Have you had a good time?”

“It’s been great.” Tessa’s dad is driving, and Tessa and I are in the backseat. I smile over at her. She’s watching me like a hawk and smiles back with relief.

“Well, I won’t keep you. Just wanted to say—if you feel like seeing me later—I hear there are really good desserts in the lounge…”

“Hmm, well, I’ll give it some thought,” I say slyly. “We’ll see if fate allows…”

Ian groans and laughs. “Okay…”

Tessa motions to the phone and mouths, ‘Can I?’ I nod and tell Ian to hold on while I hand the phone to her.

“Hi, Ian, it’s Tess. Sorry to interrupt your phone call. I just wanted to invite you to the rehearsal dinner tomorrow night and also the wedding on Saturday.” She looks at me and smiles. “Yes, I’ve already discussed it with Ro, and she is fine with it. Okay, I understand. Yes, I’ll leave it up to the two of you; just know you’re welcome to come. Jared and I would love to have you there.”

We pull up to the hotel and say goodnight to Tessa’s parents. Our arms are entwined and we’re laughing about something Jared’s dad said over dinner.

We’re about to open the door, when it’s opened for us. “Ladies, wow, what perfect timing. I’m just getting here myself. It’s almost as if
fate
designed it,” Ian says with a smile.

Tessa laughs and kisses me on the cheek and goes up to the room. Ian and I sit on a luxurious couch and a waiter comes and asks if we’d care for anything.

“I’m always up for crème brûlée,” I speak up.

“I’ll have the bananas foster,” Ian says.

After a sweet, brief time together, I chastely kiss him on the cheek and tell him I need sleep. He kisses both of my cheeks and walks me to my door.

The next two days are a flurry of bustling activity. The wedding is spectacular. Every detail—from the bridesmaids’ black calla lily and feather bouquets to the archways draped with rich, colorful material—is unique and completely Tessa. She looks stunning in her dress. Her hair is up, with loose curls. She has a peaceful glow about her that makes me happier than I can say.

As I listen to Tessa and Jared recite their vows, holding onto Tessa’s bouquet and mine, I glance out and find Ian. His eyes mesmerize me from across the room. And I know. I know I am ready to take the risk. I know we’ve already survived our worst. And I know we’re coming out of it like gold after it’s been through the refiner’s fire.

Epilogue

One year later

I haven’t regretted marrying Ian for a single second. When I said ‘I do’ seven months ago, I made heads spin with my decision.

The naysayers:

“You’re crazy!

“How can you be so stupid?

“You’re just asking to be hurt…”

“He doesn’t deserve you.”

“Once a cheater; always a cheater!”

“You’ll regret this!”

But there were also a few believers:

“I’ve never seen two people love each other more.”

“You were made for each other.”

“You’ve survived this; you’ll survive anything.”

“If you’re sure, I trust you…”

“I do believe he’s changed.”

And the middle-of-the-roaders:

“Ohhhkay … but if he hurts you, I will shove his freakin’ dick down his freakin’ throat. (Maybe this doesn’t really belong in the middle-of-the road category)

“I guess we’ll wait and see what happens.”

“I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“We’ll be here for you either way.”

Believe me, I thought long and hard about it. Anyone who knows me knows that I can’t make a decision without over-thinking it to death. And then some. It really came down to love.

Love
is
enough.

Love
does
conquer all.

Love really does always protect, trust, hope, persevere…

I’d even go as far as saying that love never fails. I finally believe that.

And once Ian and I made our vows before God and our friends and family on a beautiful beach in Maui, we certainly had a better understanding of true love. We both boohooed throughout the entire ceremony and haven’t cried since.

Until last night on our tour bus, when I did my hair up with pencils and gave Ian a present.

“Oh, baby, we get to play Librarian AND you’re giving me a present? What have I done to get such treatment?” He grabs my bum and presses against me.

I point at the present. “Open that first and then me…”

With that incentive, he takes the wrapping paper off a teensy bit faster than usual, but he still folds it so neatly.

“Hurry!” I lean against him and nuzzle his neck.

“You’re just messing with me now,” he mutters.

He lifts the top of the box and stares. Nestled in pretty tissue paper, so he doesn’t have to touch it, I have the pregnancy test laying face up. That plus sign might as well be blinking for how vivid it looks against the tissue.

Ian sets the box down and I look up to see his reaction. He looks stunned, and then he’s laughing and has tears running down his face at the same time. He grasps my face in both hands, kissing me hard. Then he kisses his way down to my stomach.

“Ianow Orvillate Sterling,” he whispers, grinning up at me, “you were made with love.”