Trust (15 page)

        Her voice sounded hoarse and wracked with emotion. I hated it when she cried. `Look,’ I sighed, `I’m sorry.’ `What?’

        I cleared my throat and prepared to apologise again. Christ alone knows what I thought I was apologising for. `I said I’m sorry,’ I repeated. `Do you want me to come over?’

        Silence.

        Then she spoke. `I just don’t believe you,’ she said, her voice little more than a whisper. `Shall I come over?’ `Just leave me alone. Just fuck off and leave me alone.’

        She slammed down the phone.

        What had just happened? I couldn’t get my head around any of it. I stood there for a while, just staring at the phone. When I’d said goodbye to Siobhan on Wednesday we’d kissed more passionately than ever. So passionately, in fact, that we almost ended up making love on her doorstep. And now, just a few days later, the same girl had accused me of cheating on her without having any evidence or any reason to doubt me. I couldn’t believe that Siobhan - the one dependable and stable influence that there had been in my life recently - had turned on me like this. She had been friends with Clare for almost as long as I had and I found her sudden lack of faith in either of us incredible and painfully hard to comprehend.

        As far as I was aware, save for the unforgivable crime of not being at home to answer the telephone, I hadn’t done anything wrong. Last Wednesday night had been perfect. We’d left the pub hand in hand and had walked back to her house in the cool moonlight. With the distant satellite’s silvery rays dancing and playing on the rippling waves of the ocean she had been the one who had commented on how perfect and romantic our evening had been. There hadn’t been any indication of the venom and hostility so evident in her voice now. `Everything okay?’ Rob asked, startling me. `I heard you shouting. Was that Siobhan?’

        I nodded and pushed past him and headed for the living room. `I didn’t realise you two were having problems,’ he said, following close behind. `Neither did I,’ I grunted angrily. I was in no mood to talk.

        I walked into the living room where the alien was stood at the bay window, looking down on the dark village below. I had forgotten he was there. He was the last person I wanted to see, certainly the last person I wanted to speak to. I was about to turn and go to my bedroom when I stopped myself. No, I thought.

        This is my house. The living room was the warmest, most comfortable room and it was where I wanted to be. Why the hell should I go anywhere else?

        The alien turned round and looked at me before turning back to look out of the window again. `So what’s wrong?’ Rob asked with genuine concern in his voice. `What’s happened?’

        I didn’t answer immediately. I didn’t want to talk with the alien in the room. I wasn’t even prepared to talk about the weather in his company and I was not about to share my private and personal problems while he was there. But at the same time there was no way I could avoid talking to Rob. It was obvious that he was worried. `I don’t know,’ I mumbled. `Haven’t got a clue.’ `So what did she say?’

        I shrugged my shoulders. `She’s decided that I’m having an affair.’ `An affair? Who with?’ `Clare.’ `Clare!’ he exclaimed, surprised. `Bloody hell, that’s ridiculous. For Christ’s sake, the way she feels about men at the moment is enough to put anyone off.’ `Not according to Siobhan it’s not.’

        `But you and Clare are just friends, same as me and Clare, same as Siobhan and Clare and me and Siobhan for that matter.

        So why does…?’ `We’re more than just friends, we’re good, close friends. And when a good friend of mine is hurting I want to do something about it. So I did something today.’ `Why today?’ `Penny’s birthday, isn’t it,’ I said, my voice still quiet so our eavesdropping alien guest couldn’t hear. `Her ex let her down.

        Couldn’t be bothered to turn up for his only daughter’s birthday.’ `She’s better off without him.’ `That’s not the point.’ `You see, this is one of the things that I really have trouble understanding,’ the alien said suddenly. I was angry that he’d dared to listen to and then interrupt our private conversation.

        Rob, on the other hand, was encouraging him to join in. `What don’t you understand?’ he wondered. `How you could even consider changing from one partner to another. Back home it just wouldn’t happen, not even if our partner died. There’s never any question of…’ `I wish you’d just fuck off home,’ I spat, incensed. `You come here with your bloody holier-than-thou attitude and then stick your nose into my business uninvited. Do yourself a favour and do me a favour and fuck off!’ `Tom,’ Rob protested uselessly. `Come on, he was only…’

        I stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind me.

        All I wanted was an explanation. I felt empty and hollow. I loved Siobhan. I would have done anything for her. Christ, I would have taken a bullet for her. I thought she knew just how much she meant to me and I thought she knew how I felt. So why was she so hostile towards me? Had it really been that insensitive of me to have taken Clare and Penny out?

        I sat alone in the darkest, quietest corner I could find and listened to the silence.

        I loved her and I wanted her close.

21

        I woke up early next morning. It was still pitch-black and silent outside. After a few sleepy and blissfully ignorant moments had passed I quickly remembered all that had happened yesterday. I was immediately consumed by a heavy melancholy and bitter, desperate sadness again. The night just ending had been long, dark and lonely. I could still smell Siobhan’s perfume on the bedclothes and that added to my wanting. Maybe I would try and phone her later. Perhaps I’d even pluck up the courage to go round and see her. But then again perhaps I wouldn’t bother. It hurt not being with her but I knew it would hurt much, much more if she rejected me again.

        For a while I lay in my bed and stared out at the sleeping world through a narrow gap in the curtains. The sky was dark - a deep, ruddy purple - but the darkness was very gradually being eaten away by the first distant glow of the orange light of dawn.

        The tops of the trees I could see were perfectly still. The only movement was that of an occasional bird darting across the morning sky in silhouette.

        I dragged myself out of bed a little after half-past five. There didn’t seem to be any point in lying there and festering when there was virtually no chance of being able to get back to sleep again. Dark, depressing thoughts were already beginning to run around my mind at a thousand miles a second and I stumbled into the living room in search of distractions. I collapsed on the sofa and reached for the remote control. I hadn’t been up at this hour of the day for a long, long time. I sat down and watched few seconds of a ridiculously bright breakfast television programme on the TV. The pictures on the screen provided a stark contrast to the cold, grey shadows in the gloom all around me.

        I didn’t want to be without Siobhan.

***

        I ended up at the farm. In the car on the way there I had been looking forward to some company and conversation. Within minutes of arriving there, however, I found that I wanted to be alone. I had a quiet word with Joe Porter and he seemed to understand. He found me a job in one of the fields furthest from the farm house. Something that would last for a while and keep my mind and body fully occupied.

        And the therapy seemed to work. After venting my anger and taking out my frustration on a stretch of weather-beaten fence which Joe wanted replaced, I began to feel slightly better. Even though nothing made any more sense than it had done last night, I had at least managed to put everything into some kind of perspective. I gradually managed to convince myself that I had been right all along and that it was Siobhan who had the problem. I hadn’t done anything wrong. I didn’t have to take the kind of crap that she’d hurled in my direction. I loved her and I was there for her and, as far as I was concerned, that would always be the case. So what had happened in her life to change things? Why had her opinion of me suddenly changed so drastically?

        The dilapidated fence that I was replacing separated a recently ploughed field from a rough pasture where Joe’s sheep often grazed. As I worked the sheep became used to my presence and slowly got closer. I found that the harder I concentrated on the job, the easier it was for me to switch off from my problems, but I was distracted when the nearby sheep suddenly scattered.

        There was a tractor approaching.

        I thought at first that there was an emergency, such was the speed that it came towards me. The huge, heavy wheels churned up the pasture and sent the sheep running in all directions, many into the ploughed field through gaps where the fence was still down. I stared at the driver and saw that it was Joe Porter himself. I immediately knew that something was wrong. He would never normally have driven with such disregard for his land or his livestock.

        He stopped the tractor alongside me. `What the hell you doing?’ he yelled over the deafening din of the engine.

        `Fixing the fence,’ was my obvious reply. `Just doing what you asked me to do.’

        For a second I wondered whether I was fixing the right fence.

        Joe looked ready to explode. `I can see that,’ he snapped as he jumped down from his seat. `I ain’t stupid. I know what I asked you to do.’

        The engine was still running and I watched as thick clouds of oily exhaust fumes spewed into the air. `So what’s the problem?’ I wondered. `Problem is that you were supposed to be fixing the fence this morning. I can’t wait all bloody day for you to finish a job.’ `It’s taking longer than I thought. I’m on my own here and…’ `I need it finished.’ `I should be done in a couple of…’ `I want it done in the hour. If you’re going to work for me, then you’re going to work how I want you to. If I give you something to do, you bloody well do it quickly.’

        This was not the Joe Porter I was used to seeing. His familiar wrinkled smile had disappeared and his face was flushed red with anger. I had never seen him like this. Something must have happened. Surely the fact that I was still working couldn’t have been the only reason for his frustration? Christ, this was the man who hadn’t even raised his voice when he’d lost virtually an entire herd of cattle in a flash-flood earlier this year. `Listen Joe,’ I protested, looking him straight in the eye, `I work here because I want to help. You don’t pay me for what I do and I don’t think you’re in any position to criticise. I’m working as fast as I can. If you don’t want me to help then I’ll just go…’ `Finish the job you started,’ he said, `then go.’

        With that he turned his back on me and climbed back into the tractor. I still couldn’t help thinking that this whole conversation didn’t make any sense. Something else must have happened. `Look,’ I said, trying a different tack, `what’s the problem?

        I’m doing what you asked me to…’

        Porter just scowled at me and shook his head before putting his foot down and driving away again, carving yet another set of deep, muddy furrows in his precious green field. I watched him disappear in disbelief.

        Determined not to give him any more reasons to be angry with me, I decided to finish the job before leaving for home.

        First Siobhan and now the farmer, what the hell was going on? I began smashing down a wooden fence post with a lump hammer, beating out my frustrations.

        I didn’t want revenge or retributions. I wanted explanations.

22

        Clare telephoned me later.

        I was sitting alone in the house again and I was glad of the interruption. I had been dragging myself down again, thinking dark, pointless thoughts when the call had come. I was sitting next to the telephone contemplating calling Siobhan. Clare provided me with the perfect excuse not to. `You okay?’ I asked. `I’m okay,’ she replied softly. She didn’t sound too good, but at least she, unlike just about everyone else I knew, wasn’t yelling groundless accusations at me. Yet. `Penny enjoy her burger yesterday?’ `Yes,’ she said quickly. `Yes, she really did. Didn’t stop talking about it all night…’ `But…?’ I pushed, sensing that there was more she wasn’t telling me. `But what?’ `I don’t know, you tell me. You sound distant. Is everything all right? Has Penny’s dad done something else that’s…’ `No, I haven’t heard from him.’ `Then what is it?’

        Clare was silent. The longer the silence lasted, the more uneasy and worried I began to feel. `Are you still there?’ I asked cautiously. `I’m here.’ `So what’s up? Is it something I’ve done?’ I asked anxiously.

        It was beginning to feel like I was gradually turning everyone else against me. It was logical to assume that Clare might also have turned too. `Christ, no,’ she replied, her voice suddenly a little louder and more confident. `You haven’t done anything.’ `What is it then?’

        I hated playing games and being messed around. In my current state of mind I considered telling her as much. `Bloody hell, you’re going to think I’m off my head,’ she eventually said. `Try me.’

        I heard her take a deep breath. `It’s Penny,’ she quietly admitted. `What about her?’ `She fucking hates me.’ `What?’