Trusting Bull: Savage Brothers MC (46 page)

The only moment of indecision I have is dressing. Jacob made a comment about my jeans yesterday. I think he liked them and I do love being on his bike. Still, dresses are who I am and they are comfortable. Plus, I don’t know, maybe it’s good to have something loose against my stomach? I have no idea. I make a note to stop by the bookstore in town on the way and grab that pregnancy book the doctor recommended.

I finally decide to put on my sage green sundress with the little pink roses on it. Jacob likes it. Well, he liked taking it off of me the last time I wore it.

I make it to the club around noon and head straight for the garage that Jacob has been working in. Freak is standing out front talking with Nikki and Frog.

“Hey, Red. What are you doing here looking so gorgeous? Dancer ever drops the ball baby you’re going to have to give me a chance,” Frog says with this big smile. I shake my head at his words, but laugh when Freak slaps him on the back of the head.

“Ignore him Red, he forgot his brains in his ass. You lookin’ for Dance?”

“Yeah I thought I might steal him away for lunch.”

“He just took a break from work. You can catch him in the club though.”

I smile, trying to hold on to the courage that brought me here. Nikki might have seen I was wavering, even if she didn’t know what was going on, because she grabs my hand.

“We’ll go in together. I need to check with Nicole on something.”

Freak pulls her back to him before we can leave and slams his lips against hers in a kiss that is so intense and carnal you can feel the heat just from watching it.

“Behave yourself, stud,” Nikki breathes against his lips when they break apart.

“Remember my promise, woman.”

Nikki licks her lips, but doesn’t say anything else. I bite my tongue to keep from asking what the promise was!

Then she grabs my hand and pulls me along to the club.

“Things seem to be going good with Freak.”

“Girl, you have no idea. I’ll tell you some time though, just bring a fan,” she says with a laugh, wiggling her eyebrows in mock suggestion. We’re both laughing as we open the doors.

It takes a minute for my eyes to adjust from the bright sunshine to the darkness of the room. When it does, the laughter clogs in my throat.

Jacob is sitting at the bar with Tash, a club Twinkie in his lap. They’re laughing. Her hand is playing with his hair while she drags a finger down the side of his face teasing his lips. She’s dressed like the Twinkies always are, almost naked. Today though her white, see-through shirt and clearly no bra or panties, seems worse. It is worse, because she’s in the lap of my man. She’s in his lap and he’s not pushing her away. Instead his hand is on her thigh. Sure the shirt is between his touch and her skin, but he is holding her thigh! He is letting her sit in his lap! He is…laughing with her! I thought I was the only one who made him laugh! I thought I was…the only one.

Something inside of me screams, no and then I hear his words. I hear him talking about something that should be private. I hear him talking about me, about us. I hear him and just like that my new found will to face things head on and be stronger crumbles around me.

Dancer

(Just before Carrie’s arrival)

I
’m exhausted and
I keep messing shit up. I’ve been trying to get a fucking spring in a fucking carburetor for the last fucking hour! I can rebuild those son of a bitches with my eyes closed I’ve done so many of them and yet, I’m so tired I can’t concentrate. I don’t want to be here. The men are talking and laughing so loud my head feels like it is being bombarded. There’s people everywhere and it’s unreasonable, it’s completely unreasonable, because truly it’s the same bunch who are always here and not even as many as normal. Still, it is making my skin feel as if it is trying to crawl off my body. The faces and the voices all mix into one blurring roar in my head. It’s like they are all on a carousel that spins around so fast and quick that I just catch images of them flashing in my head. Then they spin again with a whirl. Their combined voices are like a strange sadistic music and blends until all I can hear is gibberish. Gibberish but with mocking laughter in the background. My heart drums a million beats a minute and jars my body with its force.

Panic attack. I’m having a fucking panic attack in broad daylight. Each person that comes up to me is hidden by unseen arms, unseen hands reaching out to grab me. Reaching out to grab me and pull me down into the darkness. My hands shake, a cold sweat breaks out over my skin. I’m dizzy. I’m going to fucking lose it in front of my brothers. NO! I CAN’T!! I throw the parts down on the work bench and stomp out of the garage.

I want to fucking run. I want to run so fucking far that I can feel nothing but the burn of the air in my lungs. I can’t do that either. If I run they will all know, they will know and it will all crumble around me and I’ll lose Carrie. I make it to the back of the garage and lean against the block wall, slowly falling to my ass. I bring my knees up and put my head down and breathe deep.

This one might have been the worse yet. My hands are trembling. Hell, my whole body is shaking. I have been doing so well. I cope so much better when Carrie is with me. I’m a grown ass man, and I need a woman around to hold my hand. It pisses me off. I do not want to be weak. A weak man can’t take care of himself. He can’t defend himself. I do not want to be this person. I need to be different for Carrie. I just don’t know if that is possible.

I get a little control and decide on a couple of drinks before going to my old room to nap. I need Carrie. I need her so bad, it’s all I can do not to jump on my bike and head back to the house. Instead I pull myself up and go into the bar.

I down one shot after another. I’m on the fifth when Tash, a club Twinkie, comes over and slides on my lap. She feels wrong. She smells wrong.

“Dancer baby, I thought being in the joint might have changed you.”

My heart stalls. Is there talk? Does she know something? Did Dragon tell the men?

“What do you mean?” I ask my voice gruff. My hand grabs her leg tight. She doesn’t seem to notice. Hell, she probably thinks I want her there. Really I’m trying to keep the room from spinning and fighting back the traces of the panic attack that is still in my system.

“I was starting to think we had lost you to the land of soccer dads and minivans. Figured we wouldn’t see you around here until you had a ring through your nose and a couple of kids screaming for attention,” Tash laughs her fingers moving along the side of my face and moving close to my lip.

My emotions are all over the place. An image of Carrie with babies at her feet… but not just any babies, my babies flash in my head. Then I feel the sweat still popped out on my neck and the pounding beat of my heart from the earlier panic attack and immediately get jerked back into reality. I am not father material. I can’t even protect myself, how can I protect kids? Hell, I almost got Carrie killed if you get down to it.

“Fuck, if there is one thing I’m not cut out for girl, it’s being a dad. You won’t ever catch me with my balls cut off for some woman. You know me better than that shit. The only van you might catch me in, is one rockin’ if you get my meaning,” I say, giving a half-hearted attempt to laugh it all off.

She laughs and the noise is shrill and annoying. She bends down like she’s going to kiss me. Fuck, I don’t want that. I don’t want her anywhere near me. Her perfume is about to make me gag. I’m about to pull away when my world stops turning.

“You dildo, juggling, thunder cunt! What the hell Tash? Did you
NOT
learn to stay away from a brother who is spoken for?” Freak’s woman, Nikki demands. That isn’t what destroys me though. No, what does that is Carrie’s quiet gasp.

Fuck! I stand up, not caring one fucking bit that Tash falls to the ground. In the background Nikki and Tash start yelling, but it is Carrie standing in front of me that I concentrate on. I have to fix this. I need to fix this. I can’t lose Carrie.

“Carrie sweetheart, I can…it’s not what you think, Care Bear.”

She flinches like I hit her.

“Don’t. Oh, God Jacob, please don’t. Don’t you dare use that name on me, not now.”

She turns around and pushes through the front door before I can tell my fucking feet to move. I catch up with her seconds later outside.

“Carrie, I swear, nothing was happening. It wouldn’t. I have you, I don’t…”

“That’s just it, Jacob,” she says turning around, facing me and the sight of her tears is so hard to take, I almost wish she had kept her back to me. How many tears have I caused her? Why do I always hurt her? “You don’t have me. You’ve been pretending with me. I’m not what you want, not at all.”

“Bullshit. I’ve been showing you for months that you’re what I want.”

“Really, Jacob?”

“Damn it, you’ve been there in our house. You know! You get more of me than I’ve ever willingly given anyone.”

“Why do you refuse to sleep with me?”

“We fuck like bu….”

“I’m not talking sex Jacob, I mean sleep. Why can’t you sleep with me?”

“Now you’re talking crazy, Carrie. We sleep beside each other every night. C’mon baby, let’s go home,” I counter, her face looking even more shaken with my answer. I know I’m lying, but there’s no way she can. I need to get her home, calm her down. I can’t lose her. I start walking her towards her car.

Carrie

S
ometimes I think
if you lie to someone enough you can break them. It’s like you’re delicate hand-blown glass and all the lies you’ve swallowed bends you until you shatter, completely shatter. When Jacob stands in front of me and says he sleeps beside me every night, I shatter. At that moment I am a walking corpse. The hurt is too big to measure, the pain is too substantial and the fear, the fear of life without Jacob, without having a half of me, is too consuming.

Oddly enough, I believe him about Tash. I don’t know that probably makes me a fool. What we’ve been sharing is too beautiful. I can’t see him giving that to anyone else. Is that what every woman says though who gets cheated on? I have no idea, but I feel in my heart he’s telling the truth. He looks me in the eye when he talks about her. He couldn’t when he vowed he slept by me every night. Even in my current state, I can see that.

So I’m weak. I let him take me back to the vehicle. I let him usher me into the passenger seat. I let him drive me home. I let all this happen and don’t say one word. I watch as he grabs the basket of food and carries it inside with us when we get home. I watch all of it, like it’s not really happening to me. It happens in slow motion in my brain, and I can’t bring myself to say one word.

Jacob leads me into the bathroom and sits me on the toilet. I watch as he runs water, adding my favorite bubble bath. I’ve still not spoken. He keeps talking and it sounds like it’s coming at me from far off in the distance.

I’m like a marionette and he’s controlling the strings. I say nothing when he begins to undress me, just lifting my hands and doing as he says. I don’t even understand it. I should be mad, I should be screaming at him. I can’t. Something is broken inside of me. With his final lie to me, something severed. I don’t know how he hasn’t noticed.

He helps me get into the tub and the hot water does feel good. I close my eyes and let the heat invade my body and ignore the one lone tear that falls down my face. I feel Jacob get in behind me. His legs come around each side of mine and he wraps his arm around my waist and brings me back into him so my back is against his front. He urges my head to fall back against his chest and despite the heat of the water bringing me somewhat back to life, I go. I lay my head there and wait for his heat and that of the water to work magic and heal me. I’m so deadly cold. Yet, it is so deep inside I know nothing will penetrate it.

I lie against him, listening to his heartbeat and notice that he has stopped talking. He has turned the water off. Now there is just silence. How long has there been silence?

“Carrie, you have to believe me, baby. I wasn’t going to let her touch me. I wouldn’t do that to you. I just… my head is fucked up, Care Bea…”

I stiffen when he starts to use my nickname and he must have felt it. It seems I’m not so robotic after all.

“My head is fucked up Princess, it is just things… there’s things you don’t know Carrie, things I can’t share—not yet. Things that sneak up on me without me even realizing it. She said shit…and it’s not an excuse, sweetheart. It’s not, but I promise you I wasn’t doing what it looked like. You would have seen that a few minutes later, I promise.”

“You haven’t been going to therapy.”

“Carrie, I…”

“They called Jacob,” I stop him before he lies again, because that is what is wrong. When we talk about what is really wrong with him? When we talk about what is causing all the trouble? That is when he lies.

“I can’t talk about it, Carrie. Especially with some college idiot, with some initials after his name, who has no idea what I am feeling or what I am going through. There are things Princess that if you haven’t lived it, there is no way you can help someone else.

“Then find a support group, there are those around, Jacob.”

“I can’t Carrie, I can’t talk to strangers about…I can’t, not even for you.”

“Then talk to me, give it to me.”

“Damn it Carrie, I can’t tell you! I can’t go there, not right now—hell maybe not ever, you don’t know, Carrie. You can’t know…”

“I do know. I know it all, Jacob.”

He stops and his body goes hard like stone behind me.

“The night I came into your room, before you…before… You were dreaming. I heard, Jacob. I know,” I say quietly, praying I’m not doing this wrong.

I have been attending a Kentucky Rape Crisis Outreach support group with Nicole. We hadn’t told anyone, though I figure Dragon knows—I didn’t ask. I’ve only been to four meetings though and we’re mostly dealing with the effects rape has on friends and family members. What if I’m handling this all wrong? I don’t want to make things worse. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.