Turn The Page (Kissed by A Muse Book 2) (11 page)

‘Ryan…’ she pressed her lips together, then remembered that she was wearing lipstick, and bundled up the coat and toffee apple in her lap instead for a team huddle. ‘I’m not following. I- I owe you the apology, not the other way around.’

Ryan’s fingers slid from her hair and rested on his right knee, so that his nails bumped against the edge of her left knee, making it her new favourite body part. ‘For what?’ he asked softly, frowning but in a thoughtful manner, not an angry one. ‘You’ve done nothing but try to clue me in on my own existence since we met.’

‘Maybe. But I was thoughtless- asking for you to keep me in the loop like it was some roller-coaster I had stowed away on, not your life.’ She glanced down at his fingers again, hyper-aware of the fact that all four tips were as laudable as the rest of him. ‘I don’t blame you for being-’

‘Hush.’ Ryan pressed his finger to her lips and Leigh buzzed as electricity travelled through her, making her curl her fingers in her coat.  ‘Leigh I came here to ask if I could see you again before you go- not to give you a hard time.’ He leaned onto his elbow, cradling his jaw, but moved his free hand to rest on top of her knee where the last had been and squeeze gently- purposefully- making her insides melt and then clench tightly. ‘And that’s what I was trying to work up the nerve to do, when you bailed on me with a ‘see yah later rather than sooner’ kind of vibe that may have wounded my pride… just a lot.’

Caps lock! CAPS LOCK!!!

Leigh knew she would have floated up into the pitched rafters of the lobby if Ryan’s hand hadn’t been keeping her pressed into the sofa.  He was angry because she hadn’t seemed affected by fare welling him? It had taken every ounce of strength she had to get out of his car! ‘Are… are you asking me out?’ she stammered, gob-smacked and knowing that if he answered yes, she’d have to run from the room holding her vagina for the greater good. But a shadow passed behind Ryan’s eyes, and suddenly, she was sinking back down to earth.

‘Not exactly, like… not a date, per se. Because well…’ he removed his hand from her knee and raked his fingers through his hair, looking away and incredibly uncomfortable. ‘I…’

Leigh wanted to die. Had she really just said that? What a girl thing to assume! ‘Sorry,’ she said quickly, shifting back on the couch as far as she could go. ‘I didn’t mean it like that. I mean- I don’t want you to ask me out so-’

‘You don’t? Why?’ Ryan inclined his head and narrowed those eyes at her, burning through her like lasers. ‘Because of the suicide thing?’

‘No! Not at all! I’d take you any-’ she clamped her mouth shut on the words as Ryan’s eyebrows lifted, lightening his entire expression and the grin made her ovaries spin in dizzying circles, and Leigh wished that she had a book to bop him with again and end the mind fucking before he’d completely ravaged her and left her with nothing. ‘God Ryan, what’s wrong with you?’ she could hear the shameful tears in her voice. ‘You flirt one minute and yell the next and then act all confused when I-’

‘That’s because I don’t know what I want,’ Ryan said quickly, resting his hand on hers. It was as warm as though he’d held it in front of the car heater the whole way there, and the touch sent a shudder of reassurance through her that he was not to be feared even though her heart knew otherwise. Who cared if his name was Ryan Weaver, or Macaulay Culkin? A rose by any other name would still make her gasp for oxygen so long as that face remained the same! And what a face! Everything that wasn’t attached to him was negative space and ugly, even the gorgeous, gold wallpaper behind his head and the framed photograph of the rainbow-washed falls above them.

‘I’m not following,’ Leigh whispered. The conversation was like a game of keep-away with her self-confidence, like he’d offered the toffee apple, and then yanked it back. Then repeat.

Good! Then stop trying to follow whatever his train of thought is before you derail! You can’t have this one, Leigh! This is lust, and lust leads to pre-marital sex and I really don’t see this guy waving off the amnesia and the true love he’s lost to make an honest woman out of you when he inevitable knocks you up! And he WILL knock you up, he’s got ‘breeder’ written all over him! Look at those ferns next to him- wasn’t there just one before? My god if he doesn’t stop looking at you like that you’re gonna stand up and a litter of kittens are gonna fall out...

‘I just want to spend time with you,’ Ryan went on, apparently unaware of the fact that she was beginning to hyperventilate. ‘And I definitely want you to want to spend more time with me.’ He rubbed his thumb over the back of her sweaty hand and held her in place with his eyes. ‘And I want to read this book in your company, because I’m scared to do it alone, and I’m pretty sure that if all of this comes to pass, then I’m going to end up trying to take you to bed because you’re stunning and sexy and-’

Ahhhhhhhhh... !!!!!

‘Guys? Leigh? Ry?’

The voice should have jolted her from her alexithymia, but Leigh was fairly certain that there wasn’t a sound in the world that could have shocked her enough to tear her eyes away from Ryan’s handsome face or dragged words from her throat. He really did want her! He found her attractive! That should have been thrilling and it was (the entire litter of kittens were performing acrobatics in celebration within her womb) but all of the good emotions were being suffocated by the more ominous ones- like paranoia, fear and loss. Yes, she already felt loss for the proposition Ryan had just levelled her with because she knew straight away, that none of that was going to be able to come to pass. It was too risky, and the risk was all on her side.

Besides, as she sat there, gaping at him, Ryan turned away from her and smiled lazily over her shoulder- moved, blinked breathed- because he could. Unlike her, he was perfectly at ease- supremely confident even, and only just moved enough by her to sort of ask her out, while Leigh suspected that with the crook of one finger, she’d climb onto his lap and do whatever he asked of her.

Because he’s in love with someone else, and so am I. the difference is- he’d a dead ringer for what I can never have, and I’m nothing like the woman he craves. Get up Leigh! Get up and walk away before you’re crawling headfirst into the gorge!

‘Hey… Bruce y-boy!’ Ryan whistled. ‘Lookin’ good fella! Got a hot date?’

Leigh’s tummy clenched as she realised just how close Ryan was sitting to her, and how bad that must have looked. ‘He does,’ she said tightly, standing on her gooey muscles and giving Ryan a pointed look. ‘An actual date, with me.’

Ryan had the audacity to look hurt and surprised. And Leigh had the audacity to turn her back on him and not care. But when she looked up and saw Bruce striding toward her, dressed in an incredible suit and carrying an arrangement of red roses the size of an actual rosebush, her heart sank.

She wanted the toffee apple a hell of a lot more than the gorgeous young man who was about to take her out.

Ten

Ryan

‘Y
ou guys are going out?’ Ryan demanded, getting to his feet and picking up Leigh’s coat and toffee apple. The jealousy churning the beer inside his belly was inexplicably rough. Realizing that Gilbert Blythe was a fictional character had made him cocky enough to go out on a limb, but now that he knew that Bruce had been scaling the tree while he’d been waffling around the roots, he was annoyed.

‘You’re here again?’ Bruce asked the question lightly, but there was annoyance colouring his tone. Not his eyes though- his eyes were centred on Leigh and warming. ‘You look amazing! Red’s your colour!’

‘You mean, like my face?’ Leigh sounded as bewildered as Ryan felt. ‘Oh my gosh Bruce, where are we going? I’m so underdressed compared to you.’

‘Maybe just a smidgen. But don’t be embarrassed, that’s my fault. I ought to have given you a heads up.’ Bruce handed Leigh the flowers and smoothed his tie nervously. ‘I have reservations for us at Skylon, the revolving restaurant…’

Ryan snorted gently. He’d eaten at Skylon a handful of times, and had never crossed paths with anyone wearing a suit there before. ‘What she’s wearing is fine for that,’ he said, stepping forward and holding Leigh’s coat more tightly. ‘Don’t worry honey, you’ll blend in fine- its Bruce here that’s gone a little-’

‘That’s not the only plan we have,’ Bruce said, shooting Ryan a look over Leigh’s shoulder. He then wrapped his arm around Leigh and turned her toward the lobby doors to where the white stretch limo was waiting on the other side of the sparkling glass. ‘I um… had this whole champagne, fall lights thing organised first so… I thought the suit matched the car.’

Fall lights tour? Limo? You got champagne and rose petals in there too bud? Ugh! What a sex trap! Tell me she’s not going to get turned on by such a cliché date!

‘Oh my gosh,’ Leigh squeaked, ‘I had no idea…’

‘Like I said- that’s my bad.’ Bruce turned the gaping Leigh to face him and smiled in his charming, boyish way that Ryan knew was every bit as predatory as Ryan’s own. Bruce Carter was a top bloke and Ryan had never had an issue with him- but Ryan also knew that he’d been looking for a rebound fling for three weeks, since he’d broken up with his flaky girlfriend Paisley. ‘But what you’re wearing is perfectly okay for all of that, Leigh, I promise. I’ll just lose the jacket and tie...’

‘N-no, I don’t want to get into a limo in jeans.’ Leigh stepped back from Bruce. ‘I have a dress- I even have heels. That is, if you don’t mind waiting three minutes-’

‘Go for it,’ Bruce grinned at her, looking relieved. ‘But don’t feel the need to rush, okay? We’ve got hours until dinner.’

‘Oh? Okay great um… I’ll be right back then.’ Leigh hoisted her handbag onto her shoulder and lifted the flowers, practically vanishing behind the obscenely large bouquet. Her eyes met Ryan’s over the top of the flowers as she turned, and though he may have heard her clear her throat, the sound was muffled by foliage. ‘Excuse me Ryan, but I’ve gotta…’ she turned and scampered toward the lift doors, looking like a beauty queen who’d come runner-up thanks to an evening wear misfire and was eager to flee the scene of the fashion faux pas.

She was fucking fascinating- and he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he didn’t at least try.

‘Oh! Leigh, wait…’ Ryan ran after her, waving the toffee apple. ‘You might want to take this up too, huh? With your flowers?’

Leigh was already backing into the elevator, and the doors were closing. Throwing caution to the wind, he slid through the narrowing gap and caught only a brief glimpse of Bruce’s incensed expression before the doors clicked shut between them.

Sorry Bruce, but I saw her first, and if she doesn’t want me as anything but a friend then I have to know before I let her go anywhere with you.

‘Ryan!’ Leigh squeaked, stepping towards the door as though she were going to attempt to dart back out. ‘What in hell? Do you know what he’s going to think?’ The elevator chimed and she groaned while he gloated, watching her turn and scan the panel on the wall for a button. ‘Shit! How do I stop this thing?’

Ryan stepped up behind her and with a pounding heart, reached around her and pressed down on her hand. The walls inside the elevator were made from a combination of stainless steel panels, gold handrails and a mirrored wall, so no matter where he looked, he could see the way her eyes closed and her head bowed while her lips parted around an agonised pant.

‘I don’t think you could if you tried...’ he pulled her back against his chest and leaned down to plant a gentle kiss on the curve of her shoulder, breathing in her aroma- the heavy, bath oil variety that made his cock flex. The tiny space was filled with the sound of their heavy breathing and the heat emanating off both of them. ‘But hey… just out of curiosity….’ He ran his lips up the soft skin of her neck. ‘Say ‘when’ and I’ll make it stop.’

‘Ryan…please...’ Leigh panted, and her chest expanded under his arm as her head fell back- and that was all the button-pushing Ryan needed. He turned her in his arms, and the roses, candy-apple and jacket fell from their hands and landed on their feet. Leigh’s eyes fluttered open, and though there was alarm within them, the green was so deep that it drew him in until his lips were against hers and her sweet sigh in his exhalation.

‘Please what?’ he demanded, nudging her lips apart and groaning for want of her taste while her reluctant, yet easily given submission filled him with euphoria. ‘Please go?’ He gently pressed his upper lip to her lower one, letting his lower lip brush against her chin teasingly. ‘Or please kiss me?’

Leigh made a mewling sound and then to his shock- a sob. ‘Stop!’ Hands pressed firmly against his chest, but she then counteracted the dismissive gesture by sliding her hands down his arms in a wanton way. She groaned into the wall and then rolled to face it, and Ryan let her go. ‘Don’t, please Ry…’

Ry. The way she said his name like that bloomed tiny warm aches inside him like blossoming flowers. He let her go and she moaned and pressed her cheek against the wall, shielding her face from his, her breath misting the mirror- while he tried to roll his lust up like it was evidence that required destroying. And then he saw eyes in the mirror- equally distressed ones, not green though, but brown, and his recollection of making another woman cry doused his lust enough to drown him.

SHE had called him Ry too. He didn’t know how he knew it, but he knew it. Feelings rushed over Ryan as though the doors of the elevator had flown open and the falls were pouring inside. He wanted to comfort Leigh, but he barely had the wits to hold onto himself as the sparkling eyes blinked wetly at him on the boundary of his memory.

She had brown eyes, and she called me Ry. I made her cry too, but more than that. Leigh’s not really crying but SHE… she wept. She broke- I broke her, but why?

‘Did I like…?’ Ryan stuffed his hands into his pockets so he wouldn’t reach for her. He wasn’t sure exactly what was going on, but Leigh had curled into the corner of the lift like a small child afraid of the boogedy man and that was not how Ryan wanted her to react to him. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said quickly, leaning to pick up the roses, candy apple and coat, feeling like a heel with hands full of romance but empty arms and a leaden heart. ‘I completely misread this-’

‘No, you didn’t.’ Leigh pressed her forehead against the wall, and wavy, honey-blonde hair swished to hide her face from his probing gaze. ‘I wanted to kiss you- but I can’t.’

Yes! Okay, shit, but YES! She does want me. But… now what? And what the fuck do I want?

‘Because of Bruce?’ Ryan made himself ask, ordering himself to either just stop the elevator and exit the conversation, or push the brown eyes from his mind so he could be present in this moment. Damn his memory for flexing the ONE time he wanted to be no one, but the guy in the elevator with the beautiful blonde.

My past is gone, but it’s trying to take my present with it! That’s not fair!

Leigh stepped away from the walls and took the objects from his hand, staring down at the toffee apple and biting her lip. She seemed to be thinking something over, and the tiny dent that appeared between her brows was as adorable as the rest of her. ‘Look…’ she poked her glasses more firmly into her face, something she did a lot because clearly, they were too big for her. ‘I don’t kiss guys in elevators. I don’t accept candy from strangers, and I don’t… I don’t take myself lightly, or allow anyone else to treat me, as, well…’

‘As a what?’ he asked, genuinely confused as to when or how he’d mistreated her.

‘Like a sex object,’ she lifted her chin, and her lenses reflected the overhead lighting but not her eyes. ‘Like a fling. A one-night-stand. A good time…’ she turned her profile to his, and shook her head. ‘So if you only want to hang out with me because you think that’s going to lead to any of the above… you’re wasting your time.’

Ryan scratched his jaw, studying her quizzically. ‘You can’t have a boyfriend back home though, right? Or you wouldn’t be going out with Bruce…?’

So that’s it? She wants me to actually date her before I make a move? Hmm… I could do it, I guess, but it just feels so… orchestrated. Especially for a girl on holiday!

‘Right.’ Leigh looked down at the flowers. ‘But the roses and the limo and the seat aren’t going to lower my defences any more than your toffee apple will,’ she cleared her throat and then smiled wryly. ‘Bruce knows that, or says he does, but I get the impression that he thinks he’s the one who’s going to…’ she shook her head sadly. ‘Poor bloke is gonna be bankrupt and incredibly frustrated when I go home, if he keeps this pace going...’

‘Because you don’t like him enough to sleep with him?’ Ryan asked, his mood brightening.

‘No, I don’t think I do,’ Leigh smirked at him then. ‘But it wouldn’t matter if he had me falling asleep in the limo… or losing my fool mind in an elevator, Ryan… I’m a virgin- one who plans not only on wearing white at her wedding, but owning the colour, if you catch my drift?’

Ryan’s heart, mouth and testicles hit the floor. ‘No!’ he exploded the word, and when Leigh’s head snapped up, there was this horrible, awkward moment that was broken only by her giggle a few seconds later.

‘Well!’ she snorted another version of amusement, and when Ryan caught his reflection in the mirror, he laughed as well, as he was beet-red and bankrupt looking. ‘That was honest!’

‘I’m sorry,’ he said quickly, ‘that just took me by surprise.’

I may not know much about myself, but I know that I’m no virgin! And I really, REALLY don’t want you to be one!

But Leigh shook her head and laughed. ‘That’s okay. That reaction was actually pretty flattering… in a twisted way.’ She sighed and cocked her head. ‘I do mean it though. I’m not a prude or anything, or religious- it’s just something that’s important to my parents, and because it’s so important to them, it now matters to me.’

‘Really?’ Ryan couldn’t keep the scepticism out of his voice. A virgin! He couldn’t believe it! Was there a sexier, more frustrating and pointless word in the world? Especially when it was used to label a girl with an ass like hers?

‘Really.’ Leigh’s eyes flickered up to the counter above the lift doors, just as seven dimmed and eight lit up. ‘Mum wasn’t- she made a mistake and ended up, well, having to correct that mistake and it broke her.’

Ryan’s crushing disappointment turned to guilt. ‘The guy didn’t stick around?’

‘No. And it was a different time back then, so it was pretty scandalous. Dad married her when people started to speculate, and they went through the uh, procedure, together.’ She swallowed and eyed him. ‘Wait, are you okay hearing this?’

Ryan nodded. ‘I’m not religious either.’

Leigh smiled with relief, not happiness. ‘Okay good, because I want to explain so you don’t think I’m this… anyway…’ she rolled her eyes at herself. ‘Something went wrong, and so years later, when they tried for a baby of their own- they had all sorts of problems. She ended up having to pay for IVF and a surrogate, and I was the result of round five.’

‘Five?!’

‘Yeah.’ Leigh cringed. ‘Clearly that went well, but I’m a seventy-thousand dollar investment and because I’ve grown up knowing that, I’ve not only allowed them to treat me like an asset, but I’ve learned to treat myself like one.’ She smiled softly. ‘They are really the greatest parents in the world, and that’s no joke. I’ve never wanted for anything, and they don’t judge me, or try to control me or criticise me… but they do worry about me, more than what’s healthy and so, I try to live in a way that I’d want my kids to live, you know? I don’t smoke, I drink in moderation, I’ve never tried drugs, I don’t walk down dark alleys alone- and I don’t have casual sex.’ Her eyelashes lowered. ‘Regardless of how drunk I feel around certain people… I hold on to my sobriety, at least in that way.’

Ryan cleared his throat, wondering if the air vent in the elevator was broken. ‘And… and that’s me? I mean… I make you feel…?’

‘Like disappointing my parents. A lot. Right now.’ She sighed, her eyes drifting over him wistfully, but then lifted them back to his face and smiled softly. ‘But I don’t want to, Ryan- it would devastate me. And if you want to be my friend, you won’t try and make me, even though I both think we know that you could have me here and now if you pushed hard enough...’

The image of pushing himself hard- into her- made Ryan’s muscles melt. He went to lean back against the wall, and almost ended up on his ass when he realised that there was no wall there. Leigh laughed as his face flamed, but he shook himself off and smiled wryly at her. ‘I’m taking it well, really.’