Turning the Tables: From Housewife to Inmate and Back Again (2 page)

We entered the building and were met by two officers inside a sterile, white entryway, lined with pictures of President Obama, government officials, and the warden. They greeted us and talked to Jim while I stood quietly next to him, wishing I were anywhere but there at that moment. When it was time for me to go with the officers, I handed Jim my coat and my cell phone before saying goodbye to him and Mike. As I headed toward the area where I would be processed, I turned around one last time and said to Jim, “Tell Joe and the girls I’ll be fine and that I love them very much. Tell them not to worry. I’ll be okay . . .”

O
nce Jim and Mike were gone, a female guard guided me past a male officer sitting behind a formica desk and through a metal detector attached to it. It reminded me of the kind of setup I had seen at the airport and in the federal courthouse in Newark, New Jersey, where Joe and I were sentenced three months earlier. She led me down a long, dirty hallway, into what looked like a dingy shower stall, with no curtain, and handed me my “greens”—my prison uniform.

I’m glad I like green. At least my uniform wasn’t neon orange . . .

“Change into this,” she said, before giving me a white bra, white granny panties, and a pair of white tube socks. While these were new, the pants and shirt had been worn by many, many inmates before me. I took them from her, reluctantly. I couldn’t believe that now, here I was, about to live in a prison with more than two hundred other women, potentially getting a job cleaning toilets or washing windows—while wearing clothes that other inmates before me had worn. I tried not to think about the faint stains I saw on the pants the guard had given me, and I couldn’t help wondering how the hell I was going to be able to put them on.

This was not happening.

“Before you change,” the guard said, “you have to go through a strip search.”

The strip search.

I had been told that prisoners had to do a “squat and cough” during processing, to make sure they weren’t holding any contraband in any of their body cavities. I had heard that prisoners had tried to hide drugs, knives, phones, headphones, lighters, paperwork, and even guns inside their you-know-whats. Knives? Phones? Guns? You gotta be kidding me.
Oh, Madonna mia . . .
Honest to God, the last thing on earth I would ever think about doing is hiding something in my
chuckalina
. All of this was new to me. This was a long way from Jersey—and a really long way from the life I led on
Real Housewives . . .

I was still wearing the clothes I had on when I left my house—my black velour, rhinestone-emblazoned Fabellini jacket (made for the launch of my line of cocktails), my black Skinny Italian tank top (named after my cookbooks, of course), black leggings, and running shoes. I hadn’t thought twice when I was getting dressed for prison a few hours earlier—I just wanted to wear something comfortable for the long ride from my house to my new “home away from home.”

In the mere minutes that I had been in prison, I was already looking at things differently: I laughed when I realized what I was wearing. In my real life, I wore this outfit all the time because it was so easy. I threw it on when I was running the girls to school, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, helping with homework, or doing whatever the day had in store for me. And now, I was wearing this outfit—remnants of my family, my home, my successes—in
prison
. I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb, but at the same time, in that moment, I was still me—rhinestones and all.

The guard watched while I stripped down to nothing and stood there completely naked.

“Turn around, face the wall, squat down, and cough,” she said.

I wanted to die.

“Open your mouth and stick your tongue out when you cough,” she ordered.

I felt sick to my stomach. I was embarrassed and humiliated. I had never felt more vulnerable in my life.

I turned around and did what she said. I thanked God that this was happening in the middle of the night, when no other inmates were there—just this one guard. I did not want an audience watching this—or someone leaking a picture of this mortifying moment to the tabloids. My God . . . that’s all I needed.

When that was done, she watched while I put on the uniform she had given me—a V-neck shirt and pants. When I handed her my own clothes, I felt like I was giving her a piece of my soul—things I loved that were almost like a security blanket to me at that point. Now I had nothing else with me that reminded me of home or happier times except a rosary and religious medals Jim had given me before I left for prison, which were among the few things I was allowed to bring with me. The guard also gave me a pair of clunky, black, steel-toed boots to wear. (I had never worn boots like that in my life . . . I’m a high heel girl . . .) Who knew what had happened to the women who wore these things before me? Now here I was, the next inmate adding to their history.

After I got dressed, it was time for my prison photo shoot. For a moment, this reminded me of the many photographs I had posed for in magazines and promos for the show. But here I was, getting my mug shot. Me? Getting a mug shot? Oh my God. I felt numb at this point, so I just stared at the camera. I don’t think I even thought of smiling. Everything was really just a blur by then.

Next, I was fingerprinted—something else I had never done in my life. A counselor who was very nice to me placed her hand over mine as she pressed my fingertips onto an old-fashioned ink pad and then onto a white card. I was still feeling out of it, like this was a bad dream, so I was going through the motions at this point, just doing what she told me to do. I was trying not to think about anything that was happening to me.

I was given an ID card that had my picture, name, and registration number on it. I was told that we inmates had to carry it with us everywhere, especially during head count, when the guards would make sure none of us had escaped. After taking a look at the razors on that barbed wire fence and seeing a couple of intimidating- looking guards standing on a hill watching over the property, I wondered who would even try.

I glanced at my picture on the card. This was not my best photo, since it was taken at almost four in the morning. But it wasn’t the worst, either. I wondered if someone would try to smuggle that picture of me out of the prison, to give to the tabloids. I had heard that the prison couldn’t do that, but after seeing what the media was capable of in the past six years? Nothing would surprise me. (Someone did end up releasing it to the media later on, but I didn’t care because I thought it was a good picture.)

After we were done with processing, which they call R&D (for Receiving and Discharge), the female guard led me down another hallway to a dark, dank cell with bars. I sat down on a steel bench. I shivered because it was so cold in there. After the echoes of her steps faded away, I realized just how quiet and how dark a room (if you can call a barred cell a room) could be. It was terrifying in there. I shivered again, more out of fear than from being cold. Thank God she didn’t lock me in there, though. She left the cell door open.

I hadn’t been handcuffed yet, either, thank goodness. I thought the guards would clamp them on my wrists as soon as I set foot inside the prison, but they didn’t. I was actually never handcuffed the whole time I was there, which still surprises me. No “clink, clink” as someone on the show once said. Believe me, I’m not complaining. There was something weirdly freeing about being in prison without being physically constrained. I thanked God many times for that.

I was so tired at this point and wanted to lean up against the wall to rest, but it looked so filthy that I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. So I just sat on the edge of the bench, trying hard to keep from crying and to stop my legs from shaking.

I looked around the holding cell at the concrete walls and floor, feeling very alone. That first bout of true silence was paralyzing. I’ll never forget it. That’s when it truly hit me:
I am really here. I am in prison.

I began to get emotional, thinking about Joe and the girls back home and what life would be like for them without me there. Gia knew I was going to prison, but at that point, the younger girls did not. I had told Gabriella and Milania I had to go away to work on writing a book about prison, and that to do that, I had to live there. (I told Audriana I was writing a book but didn’t say I had to live in a prison to write it because she wouldn’t even know what that was.) When I started feeling like I was going to cry, I thought:
OK. I’m here now. I have to do this. What choice do I have?

My stomach started churning when I began to think about what was going to happen to me—or what could happen to me—in the next twenty-four hours and beyond. Would I get beaten up? Bullied? Would people shout nasty things at me? Could I go to sleep knowing no one was going to hurt me? I had seen so many movies and TV shows about what a horror show life in prison could be. My mind started racing as I ran through all the possibilities, with images I had seen on TV and stories I had read in the news popping into my head, over and over. Then I stopped myself.

I am going to do this. I am going to be strong—stronger than I’ve ever been in my life. I have to be strong for Joe and the girls. I’m going to learn from this experience, make the best of it and come out a better person. At the end of the day, I’m still the headstrong person I’ve always been. I’ve got to keep it together.

I have to . . .

The guard returned to the cell. “Let’s go,” she said.

“Um, where are we going?” I asked.

“To the camp, up the hill.”

Up the hill? What? I thought I was going to have serve my sentence in that scary building with its barred windows and cells and that barbed wire surrounding it, which reminded me of the kind of maximum security prison in the movie
The Green Mile
.

Another guard, who had a huge scar on her neck, led me out of the cell and down a hallway, where she opened a giant, heavy metal door with an old-fashioned skeleton key, the kind I imagined my great-grandmother used in Italy to lock a chest or armoire. It seemed odd to me that they used keys like this, but then again, everything there seemed strange to me at that point.

She led me outside into a small area inside that huge fence. I couldn’t take my eyes off that sharp barbed wire. It looked like it would cut you so deep that you would bleed forever and die if you got caught on it. But it felt so good to breathe in fresh air. When I’d walked into that first building, I thought I was going to be locked inside the bowels of that concrete fortress for months, behind bars in a cement cell with a metal toilet and a sink. But I would now be locked up inside a camp, whatever that was. I took as many deep breaths as I could, as though they were my last, thinking about how claustrophobic I would feel for months on end in there.

A few minutes later, an inmate they called the “town driver” pulled up in a small car, like a Toyota Corolla or something. I don’t remember. I slid into the backseat and we drove up a big hill to the women’s minimum-security satellite camp at FCI Danbury, where I would be spending the next year of my life. It was still so dark and cold and eerily quiet. It wouldn’t stay that way for long. Just as I was about to go to sleep, the women in the prison were about to wake up.

The town driver pulled up to a long two-story building that looked like an old elementary school. It reminded me of a rambling cheerleading camp in Pennsylvania that I had brought Gia to the summer before. I was shocked that the building had no fence and no barbed wire around it at all. I was even more surprised when a guard opened the door right up. She didn’t even need a key. It was unlocked. That thirty-foot fence surrounding the building I had just left, which I found out later on was a men’s prison, had looked so intimidating to me. I thought the prison would batten down every hatch to make sure no one could get in or get out.

OK . . .

The counselor met me inside and led me through a set of double doors and down some stairs, to a long hallway where my room was located. I would be in Room 9. (Piper Kerman, I later learned, was in Room 6 when she first got there.) The counselor handed me some sheets so I could make my bed, which was on a top bunk. A few of the other inmates in there—my new roommates—woke up when we got there, and helped me make my bed, which surprised me. It was so nice of them, especially so early in the morning. I almost gagged, though, when I saw stains on my mattress. Was that urine? Dried blood? Or something else?

I can do this.

I was so exhausted, though, that I didn’t even care
what
I was lying on at that point, but I was grateful for that sheet. I put my head down on the flat, mushy pillow and pulled a scratchy, beige blanket over me. I shut my eyes and literally crashed. I had been running on adrenaline this whole time. I had been up since the morning before, when Joe and I took the girls to church on our last Sunday together. I was totally drained.

I have to be strong . . .

Right before I passed out, I stared up at the exposed, moldy pipes, covered in about an inch of dust, in the ceiling right above my head. Spiderwebs knotted the space in between them, and I thought I saw something move . . .

How did I end up here?

W
hen I was little, I wanted to be a movie star or an entertainer. That’s all I could think about. I wanted to be just like Cher.

Every week, my parents and I gathered in the living room of our five-room apartment to watch
The Sonny and Cher Comedy Hour
. I could barely wait until it was on each week. My father, Giacinto Gorga, sat on our green couch with my mother, Antonia, while I lay on the floor, right in front of the only TV set we had in the house at the time. It had a twelve-inch screen and dials to turn up the volume. We didn’t have remotes back then and we only had thirteen channels or something.