TVA BABY and Other Stories (10 page)

The next day Lou called in sick again. Then they went downtown and committed some crimes. They stole a box of nails at the hardware store and a thousand dollars at the Indian casino. Then they went back to their hideout and divided up the loot.

“That video camera is cool,” said the fat kid as they divided up the loot. “It’s like magic.”

“It’s apparently from another dimension,” said Lou.

“Dimension shimension,” said the little old lady. “It’s from the future if you ask me.”

“I got it on eBay,” said Lou. He was beginning to worry about the batteries.

The next day Lou called in sick again. “You don’t work here anymore,” said his boss. “So knock off the damn calling in.”

They went downtown and committed more crimes. Then they went back to their hideout and divided up the loot. Then Lou and the fat kid watched crime videos while the little old lady played with the cat.

Lou had $979.12 by now but he couldn’t get the pretty girl off his mind.

“Why the long face?” the fat kid asked.

“Fess up, Boss,” said the little old lady.

Lou showed them the crime video of the pretty girl at the mall. He told them everything but the truth: that he wanted her as his girlfriend. He had only just realized it himself.

“She’s a skillful one, that one,” said the little old lady.

“I’ll bet that Lexus is filled with socks!” said the fat kid. “We should ask her to join our criminal gang.”

“Hmmmm,” murmured Lou. He was beginning to come up with a plan.

The next day Lou called in sick again. He hung up as soon as his boss answered. Then they all went to mall together. They got there late. The pretty girl was already in the food court, having a taco salad.

Her tank top looked stuffed with socks.

“You again,” she said, when she looked up and saw Lou approaching, watching her on his tiny viewscreen. “You’re wasting your time. How can I commit a crime while I’m eating my lunch? Brunch. Whatever.”

It was
04/23/2008/10:09 a.m
. She didn’t see the little old lady and the fat kid sneaking up behind her. Lou pressed SHOOT and they immediately went to work kidnapping her. They duct taped her to her chair and gagged her so she couldn’t scream for help.

They carried her on the chair to Lou’s apartment, which was now their hideout.

“What’s the big idea?” she asked, as soon as the gag was removed.

Lou explained to her about the criminal gang. “We want you to join,” he said. He introduced his two partners. He didn’t use their real names, which he didn’t know anyway.

“You’re a natural,” said the little old lady. “We steal a lot more than socks,” said the fat kid.

“There is no way I’m joining your criminal gang,” the girl said, looking at Lou with scorn. “I already told you, I don’t like your style. And you’re not all that good looking. So untie me. Or untape me. Whatever.”

“Only if you will join our criminal gang,” said Lou. “Otherwise, you are a hostage. Your call,” he added.

Before she could reply yes or no, he got her in the viewscreen and pressed SHOOT.

“OK, I will join your criminal gang,” she said. “And I will be your girlfriend, too.” It was
04/23/2008/12:19 p.m
.

“What’s this about a girlfriend?” asked the little old lady.

“But my mother is picking me up in the mall parking lot at one o’clock,” the pretty girl added. “I have to tell her I won’t be coming home again or otherwise she will worry.”

“Fair enough,” said Lou.

“Don’t trust her!” said the fat kid.

But Lou was the boss. They carried her on the chair to the mall parking lot and untaped her just as her mother was pulling in. But instead of telling her mother that she was never coming home again, so she wouldn’t worry, the girl jumped into the Lexus and rolled down the power window.

“Fuck you and your criminal gang!” she shouted as they sped off.

Lou watched her depart with tears in his eyes. He didn’t even bother to shoot her departure.

“Told you,” said the fat kid.

“Why the two sad faucets?” asked the little old lady when they got back to the hideout. Lou was crying. “This kidnapping was a bust, but there are lots of other crimes waiting to be committed,” she said, trying to cheer him up.

“The day is yet young,” said the fat kid. “So ‘fess up, Boss, why the long face?”

In a sudden burst of honesty that surprised even himself, Lou explained that it wasn’t the crime of kidnapping that had interested him, but the victim herself—the pretty girl.

“I feel used,” said the little old lady, the cat on her lap.

The fat kid was crying himself. “What about our criminal gang?”

Lou confessed that it wasn’t the criminal gang he had wanted all along but a girlfriend. He didn’t give a damn about the criminal gang.

“You devious bastard!” said the fat kid. He went off on Lou. Then he reached into the little old lady’s shopping bag and pulled out the .44.

“Careful with that,” said the little old lady. “It’s a oneway ticket to Hell.”

“Good!” said the fat kid. He pointed the gun at Lou but he couldn’t pull the trigger no matter how hard he tried.

“I’ve got an idea,” said the little old lady. She grabbed the video camera from Lou and pointed it at the fat kid. She got him in the viewscreen and pressed SHOOT. “Try it again,” she said.

“No,” said Lou.

“Yes!” BLAM! The fat kid pulled the trigger and fired at Lou but missed, just barely. The bullet went through the cat and then demolished the computer at
04/23/2008/01:32 p.m
.

“Try again,” said the little old lady. She pressed SHOOT again. But just as the fat kid was pulling the trigger, the viewscreen went blank.

She handed it back to Lou.

“The batteries are dead,” he said. He was sorry, yet relieved.

“Bummer,” said the little old lady. She took her .44 back and dropped it into her shopping bag. It wasn’t real anymore; it hardly weighed anything.

A silence fell over the hideout. The cat was bleeding to death.

“What now, boss?” asked the fat kid. Lou was in charge again.

They took the Crimestoppers™ video camera to Walgreens and showed it to the clerk.

“It takes Triple Es,” said the clerk. “The problem is, there’s no such thing. It must be from another galaxy or something.”

“Then I guess that’s it,” said the fat kid dejectedly. “That’s the end of our criminal gang.”

“I should have know it would never last,” said the little old lady. “I’m outa here.”

“You and me both,” said the fat kid, and they left, butnot together. Each went to his or her own home. The criminal gang was
kaput
.

“Good riddance,” murmured Lou. He wasn’t going to miss those two. But now he felt more alone than ever.

“Can I help you with something else?” asked the clerk.

Lou couldn’t think of anything so he just went home.

Lou called in sick the next day.

“I told you, you don’t work here anymore,” said his boss. “Quit calling.”

Lou went to the mall. There was the pretty girl again. She pretended to ignore him. He followed her up the escalator to Cinderella’s Slipper and watched her steal a pair of socks. Without the video camera, she got caught. Her father made her give them back. It turned out that he was the store owner. Lou went to the food court and waited for her to show up.

“I’m sorry about the kidnapping,” he said. “I just wanted a girlfriend. The criminal gang thing is over.
Kaput.”

“Too late,” she said. “I hated that tape.”

“You did say OK, you would be my girlfriend,” Lou reminded her.

“I don’t know what came over me,” she said with a mean smile. “That was on your Crimestoppers™ video and perps always lie.”

“How about I buy you lunch,” Lou suggested. He still had his $979.12. It was burning a hole in his pocket.

“If you insist,” she said. “You’re not all that bad looking.” Lou felt a momentary stirring of hope that perhapsthings were going to work out after all. She picked out a taco salad. It was only $6.25, but when Lou pulled out a twenty to pay, the cashier held it up to the light. “This is counterfeit,” he said. “I’m calling the police.”

“I should have known,” said the pretty girl.

“It’s the batteries,” said Lou, showing her the dead video camera. “Without them, crime doesn’t pay.”

“So, replace them,” she said.

Lou explained the problem. “It takes triple E’s,” he said, “and there’s no such thing.”

“It must be from some alien planet,” said the girl. “I never liked your style anyway.”

Then she walked away, prancing like a cat, leaving the unbought taco salad behind. Lou didn’t follow her. It was over, he could tell. He could hear sirens. He walked home alone.

His apartment was lonelier then ever. It felt more like a hideout than a home. Not only did Lou not have a girlfriend, he didn’t have a job anymore. His money was worthless. His Crimestoppers™ video camera was no good anymore and it was one to a customer. His computer was totally demolished and to top it all off, his cat was dead. That one shot had done it in.

The police were pulling up out front. The pretty girl was with them. She had apparently led them to his hideout.

Lou locked the door and sat with the dead cat on his lap. Its fur was still soft in places. Soon he felt better. “So what,” he murmured to himself. So what if he had failed, and he had to admit he had. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

04/24/2008/02:47 p.m
. The police were breaking down the door but Lou would never forget his adventures with the Crimestoppers™ video camera. And he had learned an invaluable life-lesson. Now at least he knew what the problem was.

It had something to do with his style.

T
he immense lobby was almost empty. It was a Monday, after all, not a big day for tourists.

“Oh, Honey, where did you get that?”

“I picked it, Mom. Isn’t it pretty?”

“Yes, but you aren’t supposed to pick them.”

“It’s OK,” said an older man in a full-dress fireman’s uniform, who was waiting for the elevator with them. “It’s a daisy.”

“Isn’t it pretty?”

“It’s a doozy of a daisy,” the fireman agreed with a sad smile.

“Please excuse her,” said the little girl’s mother. “We’re visiting from Indiana and this is our first trip to New York City.”

“Welcome, then. Ladies first!”

The doors opened and they all crowded into the car: a little girl and her mother in bright pastels, followed by a sad-faced fireman; then two young men in jeans, an older man in Arab dress, a Marine in uniform, and a lawyer in an Italian suit.

“Step to the rear of the car, folks,” said the elevator operator, a gray-haired woman of sixty-five.

The little girl stared at the Arab. “Why is he wearing a dress, Mom?”

“It’s not a dress, he’s a foreigner. Now hush!” “It’s OK.”

“You speak English?”

“I went to Indiana University.”

“No kidding! We’re from Indiana.”

“So I overheard. And since you were kind enough to ask, young lady, I’m wearing this dress because I’m an Imam. That’s an Islamic cleric.”

“Like a preacher?” asked the little girl.

“Bingo,” he said. “Very like.”