Twelve Red Herrings (20 page)

But on this
occasion he didn’t require a week to consider his reply even if he couldn’t
quite bring himself to admit that although he’d heard of St George’s, he
certainly couldn’t have located it on a map.

Once he’d caught
his breath, he simply said, “Thank you, Prime Minister. I’d be honoured.”
During the weeks that followed Sir Ted paid several visits to the Foreign and
Colonial Office to receive briefings on various aspects of his appointment.
Thereafter he assiduously read every book, pamphlet and government paper the
mandarins supplied.

After a few
weeks of boning up on his new subject, the Governor-in-waiting had discovered
that St George’s was a tiny group of islands in the middle of the North
Atlantic. It been colonised by the British in 643, and thereafter had a long
history of imperial rule, the islanders having scorned every offer of
independence. They were one of Her Majesty’s sovereign colonies, and that was
how they wished to remain.

Even before he
set out on his adventure, Ted had become used to being addressed as “Your
Excellency’. But after being fitted up by Alan Bennett of Savile Row with two
different full dress uniforms, Ted feared that he looked – what was that modern
expression? – O.T.T. In winter he was expected to wear an outfit of dark blue
doeskin with scarlet collar and cuffs embroidered with silver oakleaves, while
in the summer he was to be adorned in white cotton drill with a
gold-embroidered collar and gold shoulder cords. The sight of him in either
uniform caused Hazel to laugh out loud.

Ted didn’t laugh
when the tailors sent him the bill, especially after he learned that he would
be unlikely to wear either uniform more than twice a year. “Still, think what a
hit you’ll be at fancy dress parties once you’ve retired,” was Hazel’s only
comment.

The
newly-appointed Governor and Commander-in-Chief of St George’s and his lady
flew out to take up their post on x2

January 97. They
were greeted by the Prime Minister, as the colony’s first citizen, and the
Chief Justice, as the legal representative of the Queen. After the new Governor
had taken the salute from six off-duty policemen standing vaguely to attention,
the town band gave a rendering of the national anthem. The Union Jack was
raised on the roof of the airport terminal and a light splattering of applause
broke out from the assembled gathering of twenty or thirty local dignitaries.

Sir Ted and Lady
Barker were then driven to the official residence in a spacious but ageing
Rover that had already served the two previous Governors. When they reached
Government House, the driver brought the car to a halt and leaped out to open
the gates. As they continued up the drive, Ted and Hazel saw their new home for
the first time.

The colonial mansion
was magnificent by any standards. Obviously built at the height of the British
Empire, it was vastly out of proportion to either the importance of the island
or Britain’s current position in the real world. But size, as the Governor and
his wife were quickly to discover, didn’t necessarily equate with efficiency or
comfort.

The air
conditioning didn’t work, the plumbing was unreliable, Mrs.

Rogers, the
daily help, was regularly off sick, and the only thing Ted’s predecessor had
left behind was an elderly black
labrador
.

Worse, the
Foreign Office had no funds available to deal with any of these problems, and
whenever Ted mentioned them in dispatches, he was met only with suggestions for
cutbacks.

After a few
weeks, Ted and Hazel began to think of St George’s as being rather like a great
big parliamentary constituency, split into several islands, the two largest
being Suffolk and Edward Island. This heartened Ted, who even wondered if that
was what had given the Prime Minister the idea of offering him the post in the
first place.

The Governor’s
duties could hardly have been described as onerous: he and Hazel spent most of
their time visiting hospitals, delivering speeches at school prize-givings and
judging flower shows. The highlight of the year was undoubtedly the Queen’s
official birthday in June, when the Governor held a garden party for local
dignitaries at Government House and Suffolk played Edward Island at cricket –
an opportunity for most of the colony’s citizens to spend two days getting
thoroughly drunk.

Ted and Hazel
accepted the local realpolitik and settled down for five years of relaxed
diplomacy among delightful people in a heavenly climate, seeing no cloud on the
horizon that could disturb their blissful existence. Until the phone call came.

It was a
Thursday morning, and the Governor was in his study with that Monday’s Times.
He was putting off reading a long article on the summit meeting taking place in
Washington until he had finished the crossword, and was just about to fill in
the answer to 2 across Erring herd twists to create this diversion (3,6) – when
his private secretary, Charles Roberts, came rushing into his office without
knocking.

Ted realised it
had to be something important, because he had never known Charles to rush
anywhere, and certainly he had never known him to enter the study without the
courtesy of a knock.

“It’s
Mounthatten on the line,” Charles blurted out. He could hardly have looked more
anxious had he been reporting that the Germans were about to land on the north
shore of the island.

The Governor
raised an eyebrow. “Admiral of the Fleet Earl Mounthatten of Burma,” said
Charles, as if Ted hadn’t understood.

“Then put him
through,” said Ted quietly, folding up his copy of The Times and placing it on
the desk in front of him. He had met Mounthatten three times over the past
twenty years, but doubted if the great man would recall any of these
encounters.

Indeed, on the
third occasion Ted had found it necessary to slip out of the function the
Admiral was addressing, as he was feeling a little queasy. He couldn’t imagine
what Mounthatten would want to speak to him about, and he had no time to
consider the problem, as the phone on his desk was already ringing.

As Ted picked up
the receiver he was still wondering whether to call Mounthatten “My Lord’ as he
was an Earl, “Commander-inchief’, as he was a former Chief of the Defence
Staff, or “Admiral’, as Admiral of the Fleet is a life appointment. He settled
for “Good morning, sir.”

“Good morning,
Your
Excellency. I hope I find you well?”

“Yes, thank you,
sir,” replied Ted.

“Because if I
remember correctly, when we last met you were suffering from a tummy bug.”

“That’s right,
sir,” said the surprised Governor. He was reasonably confident that the purpose
of Mounthatten’s call wasn’t to enquire about his health after all these years.

“Governor, you
must be curious to know why I am calling.”

“Yes,
sir.”

“I am presently
in Washington attending the summit, and I had originally planned to return to
London tomorrow morning.”

“I understand,
sir,” said Ted, not understanding at all.

“But I thought I
might make a slight detour and drop in to see you. I do enjoy visiting our
colonies whenever I get the chance.

It gives me the
opportunity to brief Her Majesty on what’s happening. I hope that such a visit
would not be inconvenient.”

“Not at all,
sir,” said Ted. “We would be delighted to welcome you. ‘

“Good,” said
Mounthatten. “Then I would be obliged if you could warn the airport authorities
to expect my aircraft around four tomorrow afternoon. I would like to stay
overnight, but if I’m to keep to my schedule I will need to leave you fairly
early the following morning.’

“Of
course, sir.
Nothing could be easier. My wife and I will be at the airport to welcome you at
four o’clock tomorrow afternoon.”

“That’s kind of
you, Governor. By the way, I’d rather things were left fairly informal. Please
don’t put yourself to any trouble.” The line went dead.

Once he had
replaced the receiver, it was Ted’s turn to run for the first time in several
months. He found Charles striding down the long corridor towards him, having
obviously listened in on the extension.

“Find my wife
and get yourself a notepad – and then both of you join me in my office
immediately. Immediately,” Ted repeated as he scuttled back into his study.

Hazel arrived a
few minutes later, clutching a bunch of dahlias, followed by the breathless
private secretary.

“Why
the rush, Ted?
What’s the panic?”

“Mounthatten’s
coming.’

“When?”
Hazel asked
quietly.

“Tomorrow afternoon.
Four o’clock.”

“That is a good
reason to panic,” Hazel admitted. She dumped the flowers in a vase on the
windowsill and took a seat opposite her husband on the other side of his desk.
“Perhaps this isn’t the best time to let you know that Mrs.

Rogers is off
sick.”

“You have to
admire her timing,” said Ted.

“Right, we’ll
just have to bluff it.”

“What do you
mean, “bluff it”?’ asked Hazel.

“Well, don’t
let’s forget that Mounthatten’s a member of the Royal Family, a former Chief of
the Defence Staff and an Admiral of the Fleet. The last colonial post he held
was Viceroy of India with three regiments under his command and a personal
staff of over a thousand.

So I can’t
imagine what he’ll expect to find when he turns up here.’

“Then let’s
begin by making a list of things that will have to be done,” said Hazel
briskly.

Charles removed
a pen from his inside pocket, turned over the cover of his pad, and waited to
write down his master’s instructions.

“If he’s
arriving at the airport, the first thing he will expect is a red carpet,” said
Hazel.

“But we don’t
have a red carpet
,;
said Ted.

“Yes we do.
There’s the one that leads from the dining room to the drawing room. We’ll have
to use that, and hope we can get it back in place before he visits that part of
the house.

Charles.
you
will have to roll it up and take it to the airport’ –
she paused – ‘and then bring it back.” Charles scowled, but began writing
furiously.

“And Charles,
can you also see that it’s cleaned by tomorrow?’ interjected the Governor. “I
hadn’t even realised it was red.
Now, what about a guard of
honour?”

“We haven’t got
a guard of honour,” said Hazel. “If you remember, when we arrived on the island
we were met by the Prime Minister, the Chief Justice and six off-duty
policemen.’

“True,” said Ted.
“Then we’ll just have to rely on the Territorial Army.”

“You mean
Colonel Hodges and his band of hopeful warriors?

They don’t even
all have matching uniforms. And as for their rifles...”

“Hodges will
just have to get them into some sort of shape by four o’clock tomorrow
afternoon. Leave that one to me,” said Ted, making a note on his pad. “I’ll
phone him later this morning.

Now,
what about a band?”

“Well there’s
the town band,” said Charles.
“And, of course, the police
band.”

“On this
occasion they’ll have to combine,” said Hazel, ‘so we don’t offend either of
them.”

“But they only
know three tunes between them,” said Ted.

“They only need
to know one,” said Hazel.
“The national anthem.

^”

“Right,” said
the Governor. “As there are sure to be a lot of musical feathers that will need
unruffling, I’ll leave you to deal with them, Hazel. Our next problem is how we
transport him from the airport to Government House.”

“Certainly not
in the old Rover,” said Hazel.

“It’s broken
down three times in the last month, and it smells like a kennel.”

“Henry Bendall
has a Rolls-Royce,” said Ted. “We’ll just have to commandeer that.”

“As long as no
one tells Mounthatten that it’s owned by the local undertaker, and what it was
used for the morning before he arrived.”

“Mick Flaherty
also has
an old Rolls
,” piped up Charles. “A Silver
Shadow, if I remember correctly.”

“But he loathes
the British,” said Hazel.

“Agreed,” said
Ted, ‘but he’ll still want to have dinner at Government House when he discovers
the guest of honour is a member of the Royal Family.”

“Dinner?” said
Hazel, her voice rising in horror.

“Of course we
will have to give a dinner in his honour,” said Ted.

“And, worse,
everyone who is anyone will expect to be invited. How many can the dining room
hold?” He and Hazel turned to the private secretary.

“Sixty if
pushed,” replied Charles, looking up from his notes.

“We’re pushed,”
said Ted.