Twice Loved (2 page)

Those moments by Steve‘s gravesite cross my mind, I let myself bask in the warmth, and comfort the memory of his arms brought me. I try not to let myself remember how he makes me feel now is not the time or place. I should have stayed at home where I belonged all those months ago. I lost two men I loved in less than a year.

“Call him mom.” Olivia’s voice breaks through.

“Call who honey?” I ask trying to play off what my own daughter is telling me to do.

“You know who! Don’t let Grandma Mae’s attitude keep you from another chance at happiness.” Her body heaves with a giant sigh “Daddy wouldn’t want you miserable. Daddy loved you and he wanted you happy.”

“It’s not that easy baby.” My eyes scan my children’s faces. Both of them are in agreement that I should call him. My time came and went for that to happen. It is my fate in life to be alone.

Steve’s illness and death plus giving up another chance of love in this life had me feeling loss in a way I never thought I would. No one understands this feeling deep inside me. It takes a much stronger woman to love two men then you can ever imagine. There are parts still eating me alive with guilt that I went on to live my life while my husband was at home sick. I tried to keep the kids’ lives as normal as possible. Olivia with cheerleading and Noah with football. I stayed at my teaching job up until the last three months of Steve’s life.

A year ago everything changed even more in my life…

My girlfriend Haley and I began going out once a week. It was a way for me to relax and unwind. Steve’s decline was hard on each of us. It was hard watching the man I love disappear day by day. One night we found ourselves in a small bar on the edge of town. It was a Friday night, and the place was full. Haley and I had been shooting pool when four men came into the bar. There was one guy with brown hair and almost silver eyes that caught my attention. He strutted into the bar like he owned the place. Hell for all I knew he did own the place. He and his friends all wore uniforms from a garage nearby. It was obvious they were here to begin their weekend. I blame Haley to some degree that I even met the Silver Stud. He had a buddy who Haley kept flirting with from across the room. After half an hour of smiles, winks, and stolen glances, the blonde haired man came to our table.

“Hey beautiful.”

Haley swooned. I rolled my eyes. How much more cheesy could the guy be in trying to pick up my friend?

“Would you beauties like to join my friends and me for some drinks?”

Haley’s brown eyes turned toward me and I see the plea in them she wants to go but she would turn him down if I said no. I sigh. I give her a tight smile my signal to say we could do it. That was my first mistake.

“I’m Jake.”

“Haley and this is my friend Lori.”

Haley introduces us while standing up moving close to Jake. I stand up grabbing my rum and coke as I follow behind them. The other three men are watching us as we cross the room. I admit I’m slightly nervous by the whole thing. I’m a married woman with two teenage children and a dying husband at home. Should I really be sitting at a table with a group of strange men in a bar?

It doesn’t matter once we reach the table. Silver Stud, as I was calling him for now, stands up and beams a gorgeous smile at me. He blinds me. I am unsettled by it. He makes me nervous.

“Jake how did you manage to score the hot chicks?” This comes from a bald headed portly man who is the jokester of the group it’s easy to see that.

Pulling a chair out Silver Stud motions for me to have a seat. I’m taken back by his manners. They seem out of place.

“Please have a seat. I’m Tate.”

I can’t stop the smile that crosses my face. “Lori.”

“It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

The other guys introduce themselves to Haley and I and that’s how we meet Jake, Pete, Mike and Tate. It was the beginning of something I just didn’t know it until later.

Hearing Olivia’s voice brings me out of the memory of that night.

“Mom call him. What were you thinking about? It made you smile.”

“Honey I know you mean well. I love your daddy and I miss him so much. I’m not ready to be with someone new.”

“He’s not someone new!” This time it’s Noah speaking up.

I don’t understand my children. When they first found out about Tate I was their least favorite person. To find out their mom wasn’t perfect hurt them more than anything. It was a shock to everyone when I came out about my relationship with Tate.

I spent a year of my life with Tate. I loved Steve with my whole heart. I wouldn’t leave him for anything but I needed what Tate gave me during that time. He gave me freedom from responsibility. He gave me fun and laughter. The good times to balance the bad ones. The sex was an added bonus. Oh who am I kidding that man made my panties melt with just a few words. It was like that from the beginning.

“I love y’all and I appreciate what you are saying to me. It’s just not meant to be. It should have never happened.”

“Mom! Seriously? I hated what was going on with Tate and I wasn’t kind to you in the beginning but Tate and you had something special. It’s different from what you had with daddy but Tate made you happy too.” My daughter’s words hit me hard. Tears well up in my eyes. I love that my daughter is not afraid to speak to me openly.

“He did make me happy. It’s just not happening.”

“You are stubborn and punishing yourself for no reason.” My daughters parting words stick with me. Was she right? Was I punishing myself?

Was the guilt of loving Tate while I still loved Steve what kept me from letting myself find happiness again? Plus there was no guarantee that Tate would even talk to me again. I hurt him when I left him. He made it clear if I walked out the door that last night to not expect him to chase me. Nor would he be waiting for me to come to my senses.

Tate had an uncanny ability to turn off his emotions at the drop of a hat. It was one of his most annoying traits. Time after time during our relationship I questioned how real his feelings for me were. If he was angry he would turn his emotions off and effectively punish me. He pushed me away time and time again in this manner. However it never failed he always came back around and always made me feel as if I was special. He would apologize for pushing me away. His childhood and past relationships had turned him into this person but it was not something I understood at all. I never understood why I kept going back to him.

“Mom don’t be stupid. Find a way to talk to him make sure it’s over before you say it’s over.”

“Noah,” I sigh. My kids are ganging up on me and I wasn’t sure what to do with it. The fact they are willing to entertain seeing me happy with Tate is heartwarming but I wasn’t sure I deserved that happiness anymore.

“Think about it mom before it really is too late it’s been six months already.”

“I am aware of how long it’s been.”

Not that my children would know it but Lelo, the king of vibrators, was getting used more and more at night after I went to bed. Often times with memories of what Tate could do to my body fueling my orgasms. I mentally shake myself from those thoughts they do me no good.

My kids never letting it go that I should try to find my happiness where it lies. They didn’t bring up Tate’s name again for which I was very thankful.

Chapter Two

Monday morning, I open my email to find my new first grade class list waiting for me. I scan the list of names excited that in just over a month I would be working with another group of bright eager learners. I loved my job. I loved getting to know each child and helping them grow throughout the school year.

Each school year I used a different theme for the whole year. Last year it was Space. This year I planned on using a jungle theme and especially monkeys because my classroom was usually full of little monkeys. I began making a list of things I would need as I had not used this theme before in my classroom. It meant a run to the teacher supply store in town. I was excited for something for the first time since losing Steve. I was looking forward to getting back in the classroom.

Driving toward Teacher’s Tools I was singing along with Flo Rida on the radio damn my teenagers for making me like this song. I was going on forty and rapping like I was fifteen.

“I know what you came here to see if you’re a freak then ya coming home with me”

I belt this out before finding myself laughing. I’m sure if someone was looking in my car they would think I had gone crazy. Hell I am crazy if the parents of my students only knew what it was like living in my brain or what I have done behind closed doors they would be horrified. I snicker one more time before sobering up. It’s good that I can laugh at myself. To be comfortable with myself again. It’s been far too long since I was genuinely happy.

I smile as the sun beats through the windshield. I am driving along peace encompassing me. It doesn’t hurt any less that Steve is gone but each day step by step I’m moving forward. I still can’t believe my kids encouraged me to call Tate what were they thinking? I swear I wondered if Haley had been talking to them. My friend was always encouraging me to call Tate it didn’t help that she was still seeing his coworker and friend Jake. So even though I had not seen or talked to the man in over six months I still knew what was going on with him.

As I move into the right lane to turn on to Main Street I notice there is a little play in my steering wheel. It doesn’t feel right but I shake it off as a little glitch. I pull to a stop at the red light flipping my turn signal and as I make the turn on Main Street I can tell this is no glitch. My power steering is completely out, this is not good. It’s weird because my car worked just fine when I ran up to the grocery store yesterday. No one had driven it since. I begin scanning the area around me for a place to pull over.

Panic hits me when I see that just five hundred feet ahead is Busted Nuts Auto Repair. The smart thing would be to pull in there and have them look at my car. My heart begins beating an upbeat or was it an uptight rhythm. Maybe I would luck out and Tate would be off today. Who the fuck am I kidding it’s a fucking Monday he isn’t off. As the owner he was never off but especially not on Monday the busiest morning of the week. It really sucks I remember everything about him.

I turn into the lot of the shop ignoring the memories it brings rushing back in. Mike is standing close to the open bay door instant recognition dawns in his eyes at seeing my car. I take a few calming breaths before pulling to a stop and turning my car off. I get out of the car, my stomach has jumping jelly beans in it as I walk toward Mike pretending I’m calm.

“Lori, what can we do for you?” His easy greeting makes me smile. I am as familiar with these guys as I am the teachers at school. It’s like returning to a place of comfort.

“Mike long time, it seems that I’m having some kind of issue with my power steering.”

“We can take a look it’ll be about fifteen minutes before we can get to you.”

The other guys have stopped what they are doing and are watching Mike and I talk. I keep the smile plastered on my face as Tate rounds the corner from his office.

He hasn’t changed in the time since I saw him last. His 6’ frame is lean and fit. His brown hair spiked as sexy as ever on top of his head. I glimpse those tattoos I’m intimately familiar with peeking from the sleeve of his work shirt and my body heats up.

I shouldn’t have pulled in here; this was a mistake. Did I really think I could see Tate and not feel the pull like always? The connection we had from the beginning was electrifying. We were drawn together like magnets.

When we first hooked up I remember we were both just looking for a little release. I had Steve at home dying and I needed something that would help me forget. He was engaged to a crazy chick. I mean literally crazy she was bi polar, a narcissist, and I wasn’t too sure schizo all rolled into one. I was in love with Steve and had no plans to leave him. He stayed with LuAnn for reasons only he understood. We needed something stress free with no strings attached. I struggle to keep myself from snorting out loud.
No strings? Right!
That’s why I am standing here a hot mess.

Tate has frozen in his spot. His eyes are boring into me. I stand tall though. I’m determined Tate will not figure out how much of an affect he still has on me. Mike is moving his head slightly left and right as he watches the interaction between Tate and me.

“This is going to be interesting! I’ll go start a ticket for you Lori.” Mike walks toward the counter and begins typing into the computer.

Tate moves next to Jake. His eyes are still on me. Jake glances in my direction and waves. I wave back. Jake often attends Sunday dinners at my house with Haley. It’s not unusual for us to be friendly with one another. Tate speaks to Jake, who nods his head at whatever Tate says to him. Jake gives me a smile before turning back to work on the car in front of him.

Tate moves away from Jake my eyes follow him closely. I can’t help myself. The urge to wrap myself up in Tate is strong. Yet I made the right decision when I ended things between us. It hadn’t been easy. There was no denying that after a year of being with my so called stunt cock, I was falling in love fast and hard. You know that saying shit happens? Yea well shit happened with Tate and I. The more time we spent together the more we wanted to be together. However when Steve took that turn at the end I knew my place was by my husband’s side.

He begins walking toward me. His trademark smirk on his face.
What an asshole!
Yet I still love him. I won’t lie to myself time apart has not diminished what I feel for the man currently making his way toward me.

“Lori…” His voice still has that charming lilt that I love hearing. I swallow. Reply brain.

“Tate how are you?” Whew I manage to speak to him and sound normal. I mentally high five myself.