Twins for the Bull Rider (12 page)

“Stop it,” he demanded.

“I wish I could. But you weren't there, Jason.” Her vision blurred. She blinked furiously, forcing back the tears. “You weren't even there at the end. When she needed you the mos—”

“Stop,” Jason choked, pressing a fist to his mouth and staggering to the window. He dragged his hands through his hair and gripped the back of his neck. “You're so damned judgmental. So unforgiving.” He jerked back to face her, his voice hoarse. “Did it ever occur to you that it was too hard for me? That it was too much to just sit there and watch her...” He swallowed hard. “Not everyone's as strong as you, Cissy. I loved her more than I've loved anyone in my life but I couldn't do that. I couldn't watch her day in and day out getting weaker and weaker. Or stay in that hospital. The smell of death everywhere—” His voice broke. “I tried. God knows I tried. But she knew. And she asked me not to come anymore.” His eyes blazed. “And damn you for interfering in what we had. What was private. You had no place in it.”

Heat suffused Cissy's face. She'd let her prejudice and ill will for him override her compassion. Not once had she given a thought to how difficult Crystal's illness must have been for him. All else aside, Jason had always been honest about his love for Crystal.

She bit her lip and dropped her head, wishing she could crawl right under the wood planks of the floor and disappear into the dark.

Clearing her throat, she said, “I'm sorry.” She forced herself to meet his eyes and gestured helplessly. “I didn't know. She never told me. And I'm sure it was as difficult for you as it was for me. I know you loved her,” she added softly. “She never doubted that.”

Jason's shoulders dropped. He dragged his palms over his face, then muttered, “So spell it out. What exactly are you planning?”

“I'm going to give them security and a good home. And I'll make sure they grow up happy and provided for,” she said in a soft voice. “They'll know they're wanted.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw.

Cissy continued gently, “You were ready to give them over to someone you didn't know. Why not give them to me?”

“Why not?” He opened his eyes and smiled sadly. “Because we're cut from the same cloth. We were born scrapping for every damn thing. Things don't just happen for people like us.” His lip curled. “And you think you can just step in and make everything good? That my boys would be better off with you? You know enough about how the world works. You and I both know the score.”

Cissy flinched. Jason was so blunt. He never shied away from calling things the way he saw them. She couldn't fault him for his honesty.

He was right. Nothing had ever come to her easily. She'd had to scrape and scrounge for what little she had. It was a good rule of thumb to keep expectations low. She'd learned to never hope for better. To never trust others. And never take risks.

She'd lived alone. That way no one could disappoint her. And she couldn't disappoint them.

Jason shoved his hands into his pockets, dragging out a cigarette pack and lighter. His hands trembled and he turned each item over and over in his palms as if seeking something to hold on to.

He looked up at her then. His eyes weak and empty.

Her heart bled for him, her body sagging. That was the choice she faced. An independent life void of complications or obligations. A life of meaningless days and nights with no one to share them and no one to love.

Or a life full of responsibilities and challenges, but at the same time, delightful surprises. Laughter. And more love than she'd ever known.

“You're right,” Cissy conceded. “I lived like that for a long time. Accepting just what I was given, not expecting anything better. But I no longer want to live like that. I want the boys to have the best. I love them. And I'll make sure they feel loved. I can take care of them and do right by them. If you'll give me the chance.”

“How will you do that, Cissy? You've got no money, no home.” Jason jerked his chin toward Dominic. “Unless you plan on taking charity here indefinitely.”

“When have you ever known me to do that? I've worked hard over the past couple of months. I know what needs to be done and I'm doing it. I've even been thinking about going back to school so I can earn better money. Have other options.”

Jason scoffed. “That'd be hard enough on your own. Forget doing it with two kids.”

“Lots of people do it every day. Why not me? Being a parent isn't the end of the world.”

Cissy's muscles relaxed. She paused, surprised by the sweep of pride that moved through her. Before, she'd had to reason that argument out. Had to talk herself into believing it. Now it was a comforting truth.

“As a matter of fact,” she continued, “it's a beginning.” Her neck warmed—in the exact spots where Kayden and Jayden always placed their small hands when hugging her. “The best kind of beginning.”

Jason examined her, his expression inscrutable.

“Please,” Cissy pleaded. “I swear I won't let them down. Please give me the chance I wasn't willing to give you.”

His hands tightened, fisting at his sides. Light glinted over the moisture in his eyes. He jerked his head with a nod, then took rough steps toward the door.

Cissy breathed a soft sigh of relief. She wrapped her fingers around Jason's arm as he passed, stilling him and seeking out his eyes. “Thank you, Jason.”

He pulled away, opening the door and disappearing around the corner.

Cissy took a step forward, wanting to follow and offer him something more. Comfort...gratitude...
something
.

Dominic blocked her path, his big body brushing hers. “I'll see him out.” He hovered on the threshold, dark eyes lingering on her, then turned and left.

Cissy's stomach dropped, her relief dissipating. Dominic had never looked at her that way before. There was something behind his eyes. Something she couldn't place but felt all the same.

She turned to find Logan staring at the empty doorway. His gaze shifted then, and he caught her trying to read his expression. He dropped his head and shuffled a few papers around on the desk.

At her refusal to look away, he sighed, leaning into his palms and facing her head-on. “It's late, Cissy. The boys will be looking for you.”

“It had to be done.”

“Yeah. It did.” He smiled. Gentle and sad. “And it took a lot of guts. It's a difficult situation on all sides. Those boys are lucky to have you.”

She nodded. There was no question she'd done the right thing for the boys. Her steps slowed at the door, her mind turning over the look Dominic had given her, testing it from different angles. Her throat tightened on the question rising from her chest but it managed to escape.

“Will he stay?”

“You made things plain,” Logan said. “Everything's settled. There's no reason for him to unless he wants to see the boys one last time.”

“No.” She should stop now. While she was ahead. “I meant Dominic. Do you think he'll stay?”

Logan hesitated. “I don't know.” His tone turned apologetic. “But I've learned not to expect it.”

Cissy stilled. “That's a good rule of thumb,” she whispered.

“What?”

“Nothing,” she muttered.

Cissy shook her head and crossed the threshold to make her way to her room. She'd think about that later. Right now, she needed to talk to the boys and begin preparations for their future. She just hoped Dominic wanted to be a part of it.

* * *

“M
IND
IF
I have a smoke before I leave?”

Dominic eased the screen door shut behind him with his heel. Jason leaned on the white porch rail, staring at the ground below. He didn't look up to see Dominic's nod but proceeded to dig a cigarette out of the pack in his hand all the same. His hands trembled as he lit it, snapping the lighter's wheel several times before it sparked and issued a flame.

Jason took a deep pull before finally glancing at him from the corner of his eye. He exhaled a curl of smoke and held the cigarettes out. Dominic shook his head. Jason dropped the pack to his side. The hum of crickets and cicadas hung on the night air wrapping around them.

“This your ranch?”

Still silent, Dominic nodded. He couldn't, for the life of him, find any words that fit the occasion.

“You're that bull rider, yeah?” Jason shoved the lighter and cigarette pack into his pocket. “The one that got World past four years. Up for it again this year. Dom Slade, right?”

“Yeah.” Dominic maintained his stance a few feet away.

Jason laughed. It was weak and short-lived. “That's some crazy shit y'all do, man. Never met anyone before that actually did it.” He straightened from the rail and turned. “Course, not a lot of people really get what I do, either. Cissy tell you?”

“No.”

He took another pull on his cigarette. “Didn't think so. Probably never talks about me.” Ashes flicked as his fingers thumped with nervous motions. “I'm a drummer and a singer. Spend most of my time traveling for gigs and what's left looking for them. Wake up in one state and go to sleep in another. Don't know which end is up some days.”

“That I can understand,” Dominic said.

“Uh-huh. You probably do your share of traveling, too.” Jason hesitated, chewing on his lower lip. “My boys doing good?”

Dominic peered into the darkness beyond the house. “They're doing great.”

Jason bobbed his head several times before scrubbing the toe of his shoe over the porch floor. “I shouldn't say that.” He looked up. “
My
boys
. They're not mine anymore.”

Dominic reluctantly faced him. “Cissy will take good care of them. They're happy with her.”

Jason leaned back on the porch rail with his elbows, splaying his hands out almost as if to steady them and studying the red glow of his cigarette. “Think I'm a loser, Dom?”

Dominic's chest swelled with sympathy. At the same time, his shoulders stiffened. It was obvious Jason cared about his sons. But he was still willing to walk away from his own flesh and blood. That he couldn't understand. He couldn't wrap his head around that bit.

“Think I'm worthless because I don't want my kids?” Jason's eyes narrowed, his expression guarded.

“No one's saying that.”

“Cissy's saying it,” Jason shot back. “Doing more than saying it. She's acting on it.”

“She loves those boys. She's just doing what she thinks is best for them.”

“So she says,” Jason grunted. “I tell you, it'd be a hell of a lot easier to hand them over to someone else. A stranger. Someone I didn't know. Hell, anyone else. Just as long as it wasn't Cissy.” His lip curled. “That's a damned blow to a man's pride, you know? A woman doing what you can't. Making something out of nothing. Not even needing you.”

Dominic froze.

Bye, Dominic
.

Dominic spun, gripping the screen door's handle. “I don't think I'm the best one to talk to about this—”

“Why?” Jason stepped forward, flicking the tip of his cigarette again. A spray of red ash hit the porch. “Thought you'd be the one to understand. Career minded. A fellow nomad. Don't think I'm proud of leaving them. I'm not. Wish I felt differently about it. But the bitch of it all is, I never chose this life. It just chose me. You can't change who you are. You're not meant to.”

A queasiness settled in Dominic's gut. How many times had he consoled himself with that same argument when he'd left the ranch for another rodeo? When he'd wished he was more like Logan? Solid and stable?

The black handle of the screen door slipped from his grip.

“And what's wrong with that?” Jason continued. “When you're honest about it? I told Crystal that in the very beginning. Told her putting down roots wasn't for everyone. Wasn't even the life for her. But she tried anyway. Every time I came back to her, I told her—must've been a thousand times—that she was going against the grain. Turning on her God-given nature. She wasn't cut out to be a mom any more than I was to be a dad. I think the boys even knew it.”

He scoffed, pausing to take another deep drag. “That's why Cissy and I always fought like hell. Always knew Cissy was worth more to those boys than me. Hell, Crystal and I put it together, even.” His face scrunched with disgust. “I couldn't stomach the thought of her having my boys. Showin' me up. But I never really had a chance to begin with. I loved Crystal. God knows I did. And I loved those boys, too. It's just, some men aren't built for it. At least I'm man enough to admit that.”

Every muscle in Dominic's body seized.

A good man
.

Cissy's words returned. Though, this time, they came without the usual rush of pride and pleasure. They seemed foreign. Incomprehensible and unattainable.

Jason's cynical laugh drew his attention once more. “Maybe you don't want to talk because you got your own dealings with Cissy.”

Jason waited for a response. When he didn't receive one, he took one last pull on the cigarette, stubbed it out on the porch rail and threw the butt into the grass. He worked his way down the steps, pausing at the bottom and turning back.

“I'm not a bad guy, Dom. I just have other ambitions.” He smiled then. Wide and genuine. “Good luck with Cissy and those high standards of hers. Because you're damn sure gonna need it.”

Dominic watched him stroll to his car, slide in and pull off. He kept watching until the red taillights faded into dots then disappeared into the night.

It was late. Cissy would be inside waiting for him. The boys, too. Waiting for a last bit of fun with him before being sent to bed. He should make his way back in.