Twisted (4 page)

I was trying to figure out what to fix for dinner. It was my turn to cook. I figured I’d go the easy route and take Mike out to dinner. I was certain he’d be HIV negative, so we could celebrate. Today was our day off from working out or skiing, and I was looking forward to a relaxing evening with Mike. I knew that those were gonna be few and pretty far in between once the dudes started coming.

I had my head in the freezer when I heard someone knocking at the door. That was unusual. Normally the folks who visit the ranch would just poke their heads in the back door and yell hello. I walked over to the door. A man was standing there. He seemed to be in his fifties, with dark brown hair, brown eyes, and a few inches shorter than my six feet. I opened the door and greeted him.

“Hi, what can I do for you?”

“Hello, I was looking for Mike Guidry. Is he here?” When he spoke, it was a peculiar accent, kind of like a mix of the South and Brooklyn.

“He had some business to attend to in Wenatchee. I don’t expect him back for a couple of hours. I’m Jeff Connelly, Mike’s partner. Can I help you?” There was something familiar about him, but I couldn’t place it.

“I really need to speak with Mike. I’m his father.” My mouth must have dropped open. I know I was surprised. Normally I can be pretty poker faced, but seeing Mike’s father here after hearing so many horrible things about him really threw me for a loop.

“To be real frank with ya, I’m not sure if he’ll want to speak with you.”

“He must have told you about me.” He smiled a humorless, sad smile. “I can understand why he wouldn’t. I really need to tell him I’m sorry for what I did to him.”

That wasn’t what I expected to hear at all. I also didn’t know what to do. Mike had told me about the nightmare of his teen years and how his father had mistreated him. But the man was here and wanting to apologize to Mike. I wanted to protect my buddy, but if he did want to talk with his father, I’d support him. If he wanted to kick the shit outta him, I’d support him in that too.

“Yeah, he did tell me about you. If he wants to speak with you, it’s his business. I reckon you might as well come in and have a cup of coffee and wait for him.”

“Thank you, Jeff.” He walked in and stuck out his hand. I hesitated but then shook it.

“Have a seat, and I’ll make some coffee.” He took off his coat and hung it on the back of one of the chairs at the kitchen table. I put the coffeepot on.

“I read about you in one of the magazine articles. If he told you about me, I would guess what he said wasn’t flattering. It’s true, also. What I did to Mike was one of the most horrible things anyone could ever have done. I don’t think a day has gone by that I haven’t regretted it. I just want to tell him I’m sorry.” I stared at him. I could see his resemblance to Mike.

“I don’t know that he’ll even listen, but I reckon it wouldn’t hurt for ya to try.”

“How long have the two of you been together?”

“About three months now.”

“I saw the pictures of you two in the magazine articles and in the co-op in town. You both look very happy.”

“We are. My dad said we’re two sides to the same coin. Mike and I just hit it off when we met. He’s not only my partner, but he’s my best friend.”

“I can see that, Jeff. When you speak about him, your face just lights up. I’m glad to see that he’s found someone special. No one should have to be alone.”

“It don’t bother you that he’s with another man?”

He smiled that sad, humorless smile again. “No. What I did to Mike was horrible. It was way beyond horrible. It took my doing something that low and cruel to show me that I was wrong. There’s not been a day that’s gone by I haven’t tortured myself over it, and I deserve that torture. I’ve come to realize that love in any form is truly a gift from God. How did you and Mike meet?”

“I came back here for my dad’s funeral. Dad had hired Mike as one of our stockmen. He also kind of took Mike under his wing. I’ve been out to Dad since I was sixteen. He’d always been supportive. Mike and I reckon that he hoped we’d get together from things he’d said and things he’d told some of our friends.” I got up and added coffee to the water boiling on the stove.

“I wish I had been as wise as your father, Jeff.”

“I was lucky. Dad spent a lot of time readin’ and researchin’ gay folks. He realized it’s not a choice. When I told him about the hand life dealt me, he had my back a hundred percent. We were pretty close, and I reckon he knew before I even told him. He got close to Mike, too. He was probably the first person who did.”

“Is Mike happy? I guess what I’m asking is, is he okay? No one should have to go through what I put him through. Even if he never forgives me, I hope he’s well-adjusted, happy, and not damaged by the hateful beliefs I had at that time.”

“You don’t have those same beliefs?”

“It took what I did to Mike to show me how hateful and hypocritical I was. I’ve realized that what I believed was wrong. God doesn’t hate. He loves, and he made Mike and you the way you are.”

“In answer to your question, he is happy now. He still has some hang-ups and issues that are a direct result of all your shit, but he’s amazin’ for havin’ gone through all that and bein’ as well-adjusted as he is. I will tell you one thing. I love Mike more than words can tell, and I don’t want to see him hurt again.” I didn’t realize until I said that the depth of the threat implied in my words. I would do just about anything to keep Mike from getting hurt further. “Mike’s decided to take his GED exam. After that, he wants to take some classes at the community college in Wenatchee for hotel and restaurant management, to help out with the dude ranch. From what he tells me, for the first time in a long while he feels like he has friends, is okay with who he is, and feels loved. If he tells you to get the hell outta here, I’ll back him completely.”

“I understand.” The coffee was ready, so I took it off the stove and threw a cup of cold water in the pot to settle the grounds. I poured a couple of mugs and put out the sugar bowl and a carton of cream.

“Jeff, I appreciate your even letting me in the house. I don’t want to do anything to hurt Mike anymore. I just want him to know how sorry I am for what I did.”

“Hopefully, your sayin’ you’re sorry will help heal some of the wounds you gave him, or at least help the healin’ process along. I will tell ya though, when he mentions you, he gets riled up somethin’ fierce. I wouldn’t be surprised if he took a swing at you.”

“I deserve that. I wouldn’t fight back.”

“That’s between you and Mike. He’s gotta deal with you and figure out just what to do. I’ll support whatever decision he makes.”

“That’s fair enough. You mentioned that Mike’s your best friend as well as your partner. Does Mike have any hobbies? How does he pass his spare time? I really would like to know.”

“We both like the outdoors, so we cross-country ski quite a bit. We work out together almost every day. We’ve gone huntin’, fishin’, campin’, and snowshoein’. We cook for each other, and we have a lot of friends we get together with. I never realized it, but we do just about everythin’ together. I never get tired, bein’ with Mike.”

He smiled, this time a genuine smile. “I’m glad to hear that. Mike was lucky to have found you.”

“I’m the lucky one. Are you still a preacher?”

“Not exactly. I’m a chaplain for various groups, and I have a ministry visiting gay and lesbian prisoners. I also work for an organization called PFLAG, Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. I also volunteer in several shelters for gay youth. After leaving the church I had in Nebraska, I got a degree in psychology and became a licensed counselor.”

“And this turn around was due to your guilt over your abuse of Mike?”

“Yes, it was. I may never be able to make it right with Mike, but I can help others who are treated as badly as Mike was.”

“He’s pretty bitter about religion.”

“I would expect that. Do you believe in any religion?”

“I can’t really subscribe to Christianity. The message is beautiful, but I don’t see the people deliverin’ that message livin’ up to it. It seems to me they go against it. I do believe in a higher power, an energy or force. It encompasses the entire earth and all of us. Mike and I have a friend who’s a witch, a Wiccan. What she believes makes sense to me.” It always strikes me that for a community who has been ostracized so much by organized religion, just how spiritual most gay folks are.

“Jeff, I want to thank you for talking with me. Even if Mike refuses to listen to me, I can see he’s in a good place with a good man. I can’t tell you how much that means to me.”

“No problem. I just want what’s best for Mike.”

“We both do.”

“He has mentioned his sister and brother a few times. I know he’ll be happy to hear about them.”

“Actually they’ll be very happy to hear Mike’s okay. I’ve been looking for Mike for almost the entire eight years he’s been out on his own. When we saw the articles about the two of you, I decided I had to come out here. I live in San Francisco now, where I’d sent Mike. It’s very hard to trace a minor who’s been on their own.”

I really didn’t know what to say to Mike’s dad. He was being nice, polite, seemingly accepting of me, and me and Mike. I knew though of the hell he’d put Mike through, and it was hard to reconcile the two.

W
E
MUST
have had about two hours of stilted conversation when I heard the door open and shut.

“Jeffy, I’m negative, let’s head upstairs. I want you to fuck me raw, no more condoms….” He came around the corner and froze. He looked at his father and opened and closed his mouth a couple of times. He turned red and I could see the anger mounting in his eyes and by his body language. He was so upset he was trembling.

“What in the fuck are you doin’ here?” He glared at his father, fists clenched.

“Mike, I came to tell you how sorry I am.”

Mike continued to glare. “Okay, you said it. Now get your filthy, hypocritical ass outta here.” I moved toward Mike. He glared at me too.

“Why did you let that thing in here? Why didn’t you just kick the shit outta him like you’ve done with other guys who hate gays? Haven’t I told you enough what a despicable piece of shit he is? Don’t you even care enough about me to get rid of him before I got home?” He continued staring at me balefully.

“Buddy, what’s between you and him is between you and him. I care about you too much to make a decision on what to do for you. Whatever you decide, I’ll back you. I couldn’t tell him to get lost without runnin’ it by you first.” He scowled at me for another moment or so and then looked away.

“Sorry, Jeffy, you’re right. He just upsets me so much. He brings back a lot of hurt and pain.” I walked over to Mike and put my hand on his shoulder.

“I’m here for ya, buddy. We’re a team and you got a life here. What he did to you is water under the bridge. Mike, I think the sun rises and sets on you. You’re a different person than the trustin’, helpless boy he threw out.” Mike stepped forward and melted into my arms. He buried his face in my shoulder.

I whispered into his ear as he clung to me. “Don’t worry, buddy, you and me, we’re a family now. I ain’t gonna let him or anyone else hurt ya. Remember I went after Wayne, even though he had a gun, when he said he was gonna hurt you? I ain’t goin’ nowhere. Think of it, buddy, what you been through would’ve killed a lesser man. You got through it fine. Ya didn’t have to sell yourself. You grew into a wonderful man, and you came up here, met Dad and Sandy, and then me. Now we’re together, a family. Things worked out. It’s like the sayin’ you gotta go through hell to get to heaven. It’s okay, buddy.” I was rubbing his back. I knew we were in full sight of his father, who could hear every word I was saying, but I just didn’t care. He was unimportant. The man in my arms was the important one.

He said into my shoulder, “Thanks, Jeffy. I musta been a saint in a previous life to deserve you. You’re somethin’ else, you know. I love you. It’s just seein’ him brings up so much hurt and pain.”

“It’s okay, buddy, I understand.” Mike gave me a squeeze and began to pull away. I looked at Mike’s father. He had tears running down his face and was softly sobbing. Mike looked at him, surprise replacing disgust.

“I’m so sorry, Mike, so very sorry. I just want to tell you I’m sorry and apologize for being such a hateful, self-righteous hypocrite. If you want me to go after that, I’ll do what you want. If you want to beat me to a pulp, I won’t lift a hand against you, and I won’t file charges. Please son, just let me apologize.”

“How did you find me?”

“I’ve been looking since very shortly after I kicked you out. I realized I made a horrible mistake. It took a few years for me to find that you’d enrolled in a program for youth at risk, but once you turned eighteen, I couldn’t trace you. I kept looking and then saw the articles about you and Jeff. Your mother, sister, and brother agreed with me that I needed to come up here to apologize and see you, and if you’re willing to have them come up here to visit.”

“They didn’t come with you?”

“No, they understood how I need to apologize and let me come alone first.”

“Then tell me what you want to say.”

“Maybe, Mike, we could go someplace where we can talk.”

“Whatever you got to say, you can say in front of Jeffy. He’s the man that fucks me every night, my partner, and I ain’t got any secrets from him.”

“Mike, buddy, can I see ya in the mudroom for a minute.” I pulled him through the door.

“I know you’re upset and hurt, but please don’t throw our relationship at him to shock him. When you say, ‘this is the man who fucks me every night’, it sounds like I’m nothin’ more than a hard dick to you, or you’re nothin’ more than a hole for me to stick it in. Nothin’ could be further from the truth than that. When we play, it’s an expression of carin’ and commitment. Don’t use it to try and shock him.” He gave me a hurt look.

“I didn’t think, Jeffy. He really gets me upset. I wanna listen to what he says. Maybe it’ll help me deal with all the baggage I got from him, and because I wanna show I’m the bigger man.”