Twisted Agendas (17 page)

She realised she couldn’t blame the hang-up on anything physical, certainly not penises. That body bit induced neither curiosity nor repulsion. Piper didn’t especially desire or
loathe touching them during foreplay, whether flaccid or rigid. Nor could she blame her inability with Todd on the pressures of taking final examinations. They were over and all that remained was
her dissertation
Ireland at another Crossroads…
which she’d already provisionally outlined.

Todd was a great guy, intellectual without being boring, funny and he had a nice body. He didn’t snore. Her father would approve of him. She passed her index finger over his cheek. To her
surprise, he responded, touching her thigh.

“I didn’t mean to wake you.”

He yawned. “How long have I been sleeping?”

“Half-an-hour.”

“What’s up, hon?”

“I’m thinking of when I go back home… seeing my dad again and stuff.”

“When
we
go back, you mean?”

“That’s what I meant.”

He turned on his side and kissed the top of her shoulder. It was a gentle kiss. Without expectation. A car drove by on the street below, followed moments later by another. The silence closed in
again. She listened to the tick of the clock on the bedside table.

“Can I ask you something?” she said.

“Sure.”

She closed her eyes and parted her lips to speak but then clamped them shut again.

“I’m waiting.”

“When we… when we make love… how do you feel?”

He reflected a moment. “Are you serious?”

“I wanna know.”

“I feel good.”

“Why?”

“Because I enjoy it.” He kissed her shoulder again.

“Is it enjoyable every time?”

“Why are you askin’?”

Her skin felt cold on the place where his mouth had kissed her shoulder. “No reason.” She faked a yawn.

“Hey listen… ” He reached out and put his hand on her cheek, turning her face gently toward him so she could see his. “No complaints here.”

She turned away and stared blankly at the window. The bed felt suddenly vast. The clock’s tick irritated her.

“You awake still?” he asked.

“No.”

“What’s the matter?”

“Sleep tight.”

Two weeks after her final exam, a group of them including Todd, met at the library to do research for their dissertations. Afterwards they’d gone out to the Three Tuns because the booze at
the student pub was cheaper and then to a club. He’d insisted on spending the night at her place. But rather than go directly to bed, he’d wanted to drink coffee and talk. The subject
of her future plans came round. She’d known it would, just hadn’t expected it that night. While Todd knew she intended to return to London after her visit home, (they planned to travel
together to New York where he’d stay for a few days before continuing on to his folks in San Francisco) he needed to know if her plans included him, and whether they were officially ‘an
item’. If they were, he told her he’d also return to England (a month or so after her) because he’d found out it wasn’t in any way detrimental to start his career in Mergers
and Acquisitions with a US subsidiary in London, as opposed to the main New York or San Francisco office.

As she’d listened, Piper wondered how he could be so certain about them. Had her mother been as certain when she got involved with her father? She also wished she could be as sure as he
about what she wanted to do with her life. Soon, she’d graduate from the LSE and yet was still as uncertain as she’d been at NYU about a career. A cornucopia of possibilities daily ran
through her mind: work at a bank just like Todd, analyst with a brokerage house or one of the start-ups on the web, some kind of political research, a position with the European Commission given
her dual citizenship. All these possibilities were open. And then there were the alternatives, enticingly offbeat, even ironic alternatives like writing the great American novel while living in
London or the biographies of famous American politicians she admired. She could become a reporter for a serious magazine or national newspaper. Maybe even try her hand at acting while she was young
enough. A Masters in History of International Relations mattered little with these options and every time she considered them, the realisation she’d have to find a good paying job with
flexibility and minimum stress to pay the bills and loans became more pressing.

A growing draw toward the offbeat choices was fuelled in part by the high she’d experienced during her unsuccessful attempt to interview Paisley at Westminster and partly by irritation
arising out of the content of her mother’s email. Especially its opening paragraph, where she’d asked what Piper intended to do after she graduated, and then answered it by expressing a
hope it’d be something ‘useful connected to her diploma.’

Piper knew decisions had to be made now. It was only fair to Todd. She feigned tiredness to spurn his advances when he awoke next morning. After he left, she called her next-door neighbour Sonia
Berg at the hospital and they arranged to meet when the doctor was next free.

When Sonia Berg answered the door she was dressed in a cream-coloured dressing gown which had ‘SB’ monogrammed in royal blue and an embroidered sunflower on each
sleeve. There was also a palpable stink in the house that grew more intense as Piper drew near the staircase, parma violet or lavender combined with something clinical.

“What’s that smell?”

“My birth oil.” Sonia’s eyebrows lifted in positive anticipation. “You like?”

“What did you say?”

“I am a Leo and this is the essential oil of my birth. Whenever I have a crazy day, I put it in my bath water because it soothes.”

“That’s why you’re in your robe. Would you rather I come back another time?”

“Now is fine.”

After offering Piper a choice of German wheat beer or wine, the doctor told her where she’d find the red bottle, asked her to pour a glass for her too and went upstairs to change. While
she waited in the living room, Piper leafed through a copy of
Stern
magazine.

Sonia returned dressed in jeans, short-sleeved cotton top that ended mid-thigh and sporting a necklace of large multicoloured wooden beads. After lighting a thick candle perched on a brass
stand, she put on the CD player and strains of Enya’s ethereal music began to languidly unfurl and co-mingle with the molecules of floating birth oil. As she watched Sonia assume the lotus
position on a corduroy beanbag-cum-sofa across from hers, Piper considered whether she should launch immediately into the problem or engage in small talk first.

As if reading her mind, Doctor Berg said, “What is the little problem you wish to discuss?”

“I’m feeling stressed out.”

“Is it worries about your examination performances?”

Piper regarded the ceiling as she tried to formulate the right words. “Remember the night Todd cooked for all of us?”

“The delicious sour bread from San Francisco.”

“Sourdough bread,” said Piper. “Danny was talking about Julia and you said something that night about how you’ve helped women back in Germany with certain intimacy
problems.”

“Ah, it is an intimacy problem.” Sonia eased forward in the beanbag sofa. “A sexual problem can be mental or physical and is something I work with,
ja
.”

“When Todd and I are making out, I just can’t get into it much. That’s my problem. It bothers me.”

“How much is this not much?”

“I’ve always found sex, um, not that interesting.”

“You have never enjoyed love-making?”

“I haven’t, no.”

“I must ask these next personal questions because it is necessary for me to narrow things.”

Piper sat up.

“Does it cause you pain?”

“For sure.”

“Then something may be deficient with your anatomy. This is physiological and I am not… ”

“There’s nothing wrong with my vagina. It’s not that kinda pain. I just can’t get into the mindset is what I meant.”

“There is no physical problem?”

“No pain.”

Sonia sat back and picked up her wine glass. “Tell me how you feel when you make sex.”

After Piper finished, Sonia didn’t speak. The song
Book of Days
wafted from the CD player. Until this moment, Piper hadn’t realised how artificially perfect, how manipulated,
how laughably sentimental New Age music was. She hoped Sonia was silent because she was considering an appropriate medication. Or did her quiet stare mean she regarded Piper as a failure in this
part of her life. A freak? Incurable?

“What’s your diagnosis?”

“There is no great anxiety and you are able to function normal in the other parts of your life. This is good.”

“Is there a pill?”

“This is always the American way.” Sonia’s smiled indulgently. “You do not need medications. There is a blockage and this is more a question for therapy. I believe I am
the right person to help.”

“I’ll pay, of course.”

“This is also wery American,” said Sonia. “We can talk about the payments another time. For now, I have some additional questions. Do you have a better relationship with your
father or mother?”

“Dad, definitely.”

Sonia’s brow creased and she looked disappointed. “What is your relationship with your mother like now?”

“Almost non-existent.”

“And when you were a child?”

“It was pretty normal. She loved me. I loved her. She liked to bake cookies. I liked to eat ’em. We argued. We made up. We weren’t a touchy-feely family. Then she had my
brother… ” Piper’s gaze fell to the floor and she stopped talking for a moment. “I morphed into the angry teenager and became a real bitch. I smoked dope and did ecstasy.
You know how it goes. It’s the same in Germany, right?”

“Did your mother punish you often as a child?”

“I was sometimes smacked with a paddle, but mostly I was grounded.”

“What is this ‘grounded’?”

“I was sent to my bedroom and forbidden to come out. She’d even lock me inside if I refused to stay there.”

“These are wery important things you are telling me, Piper. Continue, please.”

“There’s not a lot more to tell.”

“Did you often feel unloved by your mother?”

“All kids think their parents are mean sometimes. Teenagers do all the time. I hated Mom and Dad a lot, but I got over it.”

“Do you know if your mother experienced large difficulties when you were being borned?”

“I was a big baby.” Piper chuckled. “I remember her telling me she thought I’d never come out. She said it was like I didn’t want to be born.”

“This is most interesting.” Sonia rose, fetched a notebook and pen from a drawer in the coffee table and began to write prodigiously. “Was your brother borned with such
difficulties also?”

“Nah. He just about slipped out.”

“Did she treat him the same as you when he was a child?”

The corners of Piper’s mouth trembled. “Rory was only ever a child.”

“I am sorry. I forgot this.”

“Mom always wanted a boy so she fussed over him a lot. Hey, so did I.”

“Did it make you jealous to watch this behaviour by your mother?”

“I had my friends and school stuff by then.”

“And you loved your brother?”

“I still do.”

The questions continued, questions about her family circumstances and her parent’s separation, questions delving into Piper’s relationship with her father in the past and today,
about her past friendships with both females and males, questions about sexual experiences at high school and university.

“Have you ever been abused sexually by any persons?” Sonia asked.

“God, no.”

Sonia raised her hand. “Take your time to think.”

Piper tilted her head back and regarded the ceiling. “Some boys touched me when I was about nine. Maybe ten. I can’t remember.”

“
Ach so
.”

“But it wasn’t abuse,” said Piper. “It was more kind of, ‘you show me yours and I’ll show you mine’ kinda stuff.”

“No male or female adults touched you?”

“Zilch.”

Sonia consulted her notes for a minute. “You do not need my services as a psychiatrist. But I can help you in my role as a psychotherapist. For many peoples, I believe a lot of pain begins
during the birthing. They can be starved of oxygen for a time and this causes trauma. Other sources of pain feeds silently off this primal pain. For example, if we feel rejected or unloved by our
parents. These traumas can become neuroses and result in many dysfunctions including sexual.”

Piper leaned toward the doctor. “You think my not getting turned on comes from feelings I had as a kid?”

“Possible. Here is my plan, which has two prongs. First, you will have a rebirth.”

“A what?”

“I have my patients experience a rebirth during which they confront the primal pain. Once this basic pain has been acknowledged, the patient can begin to move on. It is a simple process.
You are wrapped so you experience being again in the womb. But I do not practice it in the way many therapists do. These therapists keep the person bound in this womb for many hours and have many
sessions of confronting this pain. That is not my method.” She shook her head as if she were indignant. “For me, the objective is to get rid of the primal pain in the birthing and move
quickly to the counseling prong in order to confront the other psychological pain that is giving rise to the problems. All goes in order.” She looked at Piper. “You understand,
ja
?”

“Yeah.”

“As we move deeper into your adult blockage, Todd would have to be present for some sessions.”

“Not happening, Sonia.”

The doctor looked nonplussed. “This is wery important.”

“Not happening.”

“The two of you must do exercises together as part of the therapy.”

“What
kind
of exercises?”

“First would be simple kissing. The next is hugging. Then intimate touching without sexual intercourse so you do not feel any pressure. There would be no complete sex until I tell you that
you are ready.”

As she listened to Sonia explain her plan, Piper subconsciously placed two fingers on her front teeth and began to tap.