Two To The Fifth (24 page)

“That's the problem,” D Kay said. “Something has gone desperately wrong.”

“What has gone wrong, Dara Demoness?” he demanded even more grumpily.

“Everything,” Kay said grimly. She was very good at looking grim. Her costume and makeup concealed the fact that she was a zombie, but an impression leaked through.

Piper read from her script. “All of Xanth is up in a heaval.”

“That's a different story, MareAnn. I can't be bothered with Xanth when my five and a half wives don't know their places. Who is responsible for this?”

“We don't know,” the Gorgon said. “That's part of the problem.”

Humfrey sighed grumpily. “Then I will just have to research it and find out.” He tramped offstage.

Xina, as the Maiden Taiwan, shook her head, “He's not going to find it in his Book of Answers. It's a recent phenomenon.”

“So what are we going to do?” the Witch (Gorgon) asked. “We'll never get along with all of us here at once. He's going to get five and a half times as grumpy as usual.”

“We shall just have to solve the problem ourselves,” Rose (Acro Nymph) said.

“And exactly how do we do that?” Sofia (Dusti) demanded. “We're not great at solving magical riddles. We're wives.”

“We can get outside and survey the situation,” Rose said, “Maybe we'll be able to make some sense of it.”

A glance circled around the group, Kay (Dara) looked up from her script and nodded. “At least it will get us out of the castle for a while.”

“We'd better tell Humfrey,” MareAnn (Piper) said.

“Why?” the Gorgon demanded. “He'll only grump at us.”

Now understanding laughter circulated. “We're better off on our own,” Dara agreed.

The scene ended, “That's good,” Cyrus said. “Next time we'll work on more feeling. You are all rivals for the Good Magician's attention, after all; you will tend to be waspish to each other. That's one reason you have to take monthly turns with him.”

“We'll make it crackle,” the Witch said with relish. “I love a mean-spirited role.”

“MareAnn's not mean-spirited,” Piper protested, “She's a nice person.”

“That's why she's only half a wife,” the Witch said. “Full wives are faceted.”

“I like this part,” Gnonentity said, “Great minds are grumpy.”

“We could ruin that mood,” Dusti said mischievously.

“I'd like to see you try.”

Dusti glanced around. “He just invited me, didn't he?”

“He did,” the Witch agreed. “Go ahead and ungrump him.”

“It was a figure of speech.” Gnonentity said, getting nervous.

Dusti dissolved into a whirl of dust. It swirled around the gnome. In a moment the woman re-formed, her arms wrapped around him. She kissed him on the nose. “Are you still grumpy?”

“Of course,” he said.

She kissed him on the cheek. “How about now?”

“Yes. I—”

She kissed him on the mouth. Little hearts swirled around his head. “Now?” she inquired with half a hint of malice.

He tried to rally. “You shouldn't be making such a scene.”

“But I'm your wife, Magician. Your most useful, sock-sorting one. It's part of the play.” She kissed him again. More hearts swirled.

Finally he kissed her back. “You win, minx.”

“Second scene is outside,” Cyrus said before the other mischievous women could get into the act. They had a new challenge, and soon enough one or more of them would be tempting the gnome in bed, “While still on stage, of course. Take a break while we get the props changed.”

The rehearsal continued, as the women discovered the weird changes occurring in the Xanth of the play. Centaurs were having offspring that were either human or equine, not both. Harpies had straight bird and straight human children. Chimeras had triplets: lion, goat, snake. On the other hand, humans were having crossbreed children, such as one with the body of a human and the head of a fish: a maidmer. Chaos was developing.

Soon assorted magical creatures were coming to the Good Magician for Answers about this chaos. He could no longer ignore the crisis. He had to go out and find the origin of the problem. The five and a half wives insisted on going with him.

After seeing many weird things, they concluded that the problem was with the Demon Xanth, the source of all the magic of Xanth. That magic was just from the leakage from his body, a trace amount of his power. Decades before, when the Demon had departed on business of his own, most of the magic had dissipated, leading to the awful Time of No Magic. Later the Demon, on a Demon bet, had assumed the form of Nimby, a donkey-headed dragon, and taken up with a mortal girl, Chlorine. But that was another mere personification, only a tiny fragment of the larger Demon. Now the magic remained, but was imperfect.

“The Demon is distracted by something,” the Good Magician pronounced, “I must go and undistract him.”

“And what do we do while you're gone?” the Gorgon demanded. “Pull each other's hair out?”

Humfrey glanced at her. Her hair consisted of little writhing snakes framing her veil. “That might not be a bad idea.”

For a moment her hand went to her veil, as if to lift it away and stone him with her gaze. Then she thought of a better way to get back at him. “We shouldn't stay home quarreling. We should go with you, to help you.”

“Hear hear!” Rose agreed, “We hate being cooped up in the castle with no one to smooch except the moat monster.” There was a murmur of agreement among the Wives; it seemed that the reference was not entirely fanciful.

“Absolutely not!” Humfrey said grumpily, but perhaps not quite as grumpily as in the first scene. For some reason he seemed to have lost his edge. Perhaps not all of the smooching had been imposed on the moat monster.

“If you go alone, who will tend your socks?” Sofia demanded. He had after all married her when his socks got out of hand, as it were.

That made him pause, visibly. Obviously he was incompetent to tend them himself.

“And who will keep you properly dressed?” Rose asked. She was the one who normally handled that, being very costume conscious.

“And who will protect you from stray monsters?” the Gorgon asked, touching her veil again. Normally she stoned any creature who threatened him.

“And who will find you a horse to ride?” MareAnn asked. Her talent had been to summon equines, until she lost her innocence in Hell, but she still got along well with them.

“And who will pop ahead to spy out the route for you?” Dara asked. As a demoness she was good at that.

“And who will make your bed?” the Maiden Taiwan asked. She was excellent at maid services.

Humfrey realized that he needed them after all, “Then come along if you insist,” he said grumpily.

They all clustered around him, bestowing kisses wherever they could reach, mainly the top of his head.

“Enough, you disreputable wenches,” he protested. He seemed to have almost run out of grumpiness at the moment.

That completed a scene. “Very good,” Cyrus said. “Take a break while we get Don costumed for the next scene, Humfrey will ride, the Wives will walk, of course.”

“Of course,” the Wives chorused, amused.

The rehearsals worked out well, and in due course they were ready to take the troupe on tour. The new actors fit right in, and Gnonentity Gnome had turned out to be ideal for the role. One might possibly have suspected that the grumpy gnome almost liked being the constant center of attention by six appealing women, even if only onstage.

They skipped Shaunna's unfriendly village and went on to Zombie, where Kay had not quite fit in. They used the Seldom Scene to set up, then presented it.

It started well. Then Kay, as Dara Demoness, was so nervous she forgot her opening line.

“That's the problem,” Kadence said, as prompter.

“It's a problem all right,” Kay muttered under her breath. “I forgot my line.” Then she did a double take, “Oh—that is my line,” She faced Magician Humfrey. “That's the problem.”

“What has gone wrong, Dara Demoness?” Humfrey demanded grumpily.

She opened her mouth—and forgot again.

“Everything,” Kadence said.

“Everything,” she echoed gratefully.

Then it was Piper's turn, as MareAnn, and Kay was able to relax. Not only had the audience not realized that she forgot her lines, they had not caught on to her identity. Her costume and makeup were so thorough, thanks to Guise's magic and the Witch's expertise with paints, that she did not look at all like herself.

Of course zombies were not noted for the quality of their observation, so maybe it wouldn't have mattered. They did seem to like the play, and applauded with much sloughing off of flesh.

Only “The Riddle” was presented here, because Cyrus had wanted to see how Kay and the other new actors did before a noncritical audience. They stayed three nights, and presented it three times, and the zombies liked it better each time as they picked up more of its nuances. That also enabled the actors to gain experience and competence.

Next on the itinerary was the robot village. Here they presented all three plays, “The Curse,” “The Dream,” and “The Riddle.” The robots had trouble seeing the magic auras, but related well to Crabapple's pincers, which resembled mechanical extremities. They liked the romantic theme, as wild romance was part of their programming. They had trouble understanding the second play, because robots didn't dream. But the intellectual conclusion of the third play thrilled them, as they were good at cold logic. They also appreciated the fact that the Good Magician rode a robot donkey; for this audience Cyrus had elected not to conceal Don's nature.

Then they went to Gnobody Village, All three plays were well received, because the gnomes liked the fact that a woman with pincers for hands, a sure nonentity, finally won acceptance and love. They also liked the way a dragon found true love with a man; if a dragon could do it, maybe so could a gnome.

But the major event was the third play. They were rapt the moment Gnonentity came onstage as Good Magician Humfrey, They knew him, of course, and now they could plainly see the importance of his role. When Humfrey solved the Demon Xanth's problem they applauded wildly. Indeed, he had become famous!

A gnomide approached him after the show, Gnomides tended to be quite petite and pretty, and this one was typical, “I did not properly appreciate you, Gnonentity, before,” she said dulcetly. “But now that you are famous—”

“I regret my interest is elsewhere, Gneiss,” he said.

The others were amazed. He was turning down what promised to be a very nice liaison?

“Oh?” she said, surprised, “May I inquire who?”

He fidgeted. “I'm not sure I should say. It's a private matter.”

“I think I have the right to know who has preempted me,” Gneiss said. It was evident that she was not accustomed to being turned down.

“I can't say,” he repeated.

Then Lady Bug flew to him. She landed and folded her wings. “It is time to become open,” she said. “I am the one.” She kissed Gnonentity on the cheek.

Several jaws dropped among the cast. No one had known of this. Lady Bug had joined the troupe, hoping to be an actress. She had not yet acquired a role, but was a general-purpose substitute, ready to fill in where needed. Petite and beautiful, she was utterly unlike the gnome. Yet it seemed that opposites had attracted.

“Thank you,” Gneiss said stonily, and retreated.

When the troupe was alone, the actresses clustered around them. “Why didn't you tell us?” the Witch demanded.

“We weren't sure it would work out,” Lady Bug said. “But after seeing how well the Dragon Lady did in her play, it seemed more likely.” This time she kissed Gnonentity on the mouth, and winged hearts radiated out from them. There was no doubt of their mutual devotion.

“Well, we softened him up for her,” Dusti said, a bit grumpily.

Cyrus wondered how they would react to the truth about him and Rhythm.

They went on from village to village on the itinerary, and were generally well received. The actors became sharper with each repetition, and the plays were quite effective.

But the most critical presentation was the last: at the residence of the Curse Friends. This made even Curtis nervous. “My whole future career as a Producer rests on our performance there,” he said.

Cyrus knew it was true. The Curse Friends knew more about putting on plays than anyone else in Xanth. Curtis himself had been invaluable, keeping the troupe organized. Without his supervision they would have messed it up badly. But what was very good for amateurs might be weak for the professionals.

Soon enough they found themselves in the Curse Friends' fabulous palace under the water of Lake Ogre-Chobee. They set up in a huge theater. Could there possibly be an audience to fill this place?

“Oh, yes,” Rhythm assured him privately. “I have seen some of their plays, when I was a Princess. They take them very seriously.”

“How do we compare?”

“We're not in their league,” she said. “But they know that Curtis is working with amateurs, and will make allowances. We'll just have to do our best, and hope for the best.”

“Actually, it is beside the point,” he said, “It is a different audience we are trying for.”

“Which has shown no interest so far,” she said. “That worries me.”

“The whole mission worries me,” he said.

She looked around, “Do we dare do anything here? The Curse Friends are extremely observant.”

“We don't.” he agreed. “You must not do any Sorceress magic here.”

“Yes.” He knew she was as regretful as he was.

Cyrus warned the troupe: “This is apt to be a larger but extremely critical audience. Do not expect much applause. Just do your best.”

“Is this the end?” the Witch asked. “No more performances after this?”

Cyrus smiled reassuringly. “This is the conclusion of the initial tour. If we receive the Curse Friends' stamp of approval, that should enhance our reputation, and more villages will ask for us. We will continue as long as it seems worthwhile.” He couldn't say that what they were trying for was a far more dangerous audience.

“That's a relief,” Crabapple said, “This troupe has become my home. I don't ever want to give it up.”